As soon as our schedule finished we came back to the SM building to practise, as always. Ever since we released "Wolf" we've been working non-stop, always traveling from Korea to China and now since we finished our promotions, we were preparing for our concert in KCON America. Two hours passed and we were dancing non-stop, until our manager hyung appeared with food and told us to stop and rest for a while, everyone was starving except me, I wasn't hungry at all, specially today. I felt Chanyeol's eyes staring at me while the others were eating.

"Hyung are you sure you don't want to eat? It's the last one!" Chanyeol said while raising the last piece of chicken, "It's okay, you guys eat" I tried to say but my voice cracked in the middle of the sentence while i was trying to look okay.

After a while everyone was laying on the ground with a sleepy and tired face until Baekhyun strongly suggested "Let's play game!" and the practise room suddenly became chaotic when the youngest ones started to suggest possible games that we could play but without reaching an agreement, Kris suggested a kind of question/pointing game like 'who is the most this' or 'who became more that'. To be honest i didn't feel like playing but i didn't want to become an outsider so i joined them in the game.

"Okay so let's start! Who is the funniest one?" Kris asked and suddenly all the fingers pointed at Kyungsoo and Chanyeol.

"Who likes to go shopping the most?" Luhan asked and of course for everyone that answer was obvious, we pointed at Tao who looked at us with the most innocent eyes ever.

"It's not my fault i like to follow the trends but Kris hyung always comes with me" Tao complained and Kris retaliated "Yes i do but i don't spend a lot of money just in bags, i buy clothes", "Specially expensive ones" Xiumin said making everyone laugh. 

"Can we please keep playing?" Kyungsoo complained "Okay my turn, who already had a first love?", as soon as Kyungsoo asked that question i choked on my water and started coughing so hard that it call for everyone's attention and as soon as i stopped i felt all eyes on me.

"You know hyung... after that you became suspicious, is there anything you want to tell us?" Jongdae asked me in front of everyone, i gulped and paralysed when i heard that question, i didn't know what to do.

"You don't have to tell us if you don't want to" Lay told me while showing a caring smile, i looked at all of them and finally decided that it was time to tell them.

"I actually have something to tell you guys and... this isn't going to be easy but i hope you guys understand my thoughts and feelings because today isn't a good day for me" I said.

"Is it about your first love?" Kai asked and i nodded, I took a deep breath and prepared myself.

"One year ago you guys knew i was totally a different guy that i am now, i have a reason for that. You didn't know besides manager hyung but i actually had a girlfriend when we debuted. I was dating her for 4 years now, she is... i mean was my first love, i met her when i was 18. There was no other girl like her, she was really pretty in my eyes, she wasn't like the typical korean girl we're used to like, she was far from that, even though she was a pretty girl with white skin and long dark hair, her hair was curly and her personality was so funny and bright and not so shy. However she was weak, she had a weak body and she was really sensitive - i forced a smile - only god knows how many troubles i got with my words whenever i tried to talk to her. Her family situation wasn't good, her parents barely cared for her, she lived with her brother and only him would take care of her until she went to university, the same one I attend now. She moved alone and bought a house, she would study and work at the same time and i admired her for that, even though she was weak she did everything she could to survive and become someone with a good life."

"And...?" Tao asked looking impatient for the rest of the story and I smiled while looking at him, no matter how much i wanted to quickly finish this story, I realized that I still talk about her, a lot. 

I cleared my throat and continuated, "She wasn't my first girlfriend however yes, she was my first love. You guys aren't kids anymore so you realize I did everything with her for the first time, my first deep passionate kiss, the one i lost my ity with, the one who i grabbed hands and walked around, the one i did everything i could as her lover. We were really close and we lived for each other, there wasn't one day where i wouldn't call her or text her, even though i was busy training with you guys. But everything changed when we debuted..." I stopped talking and sobbed.

"You guys broke up?" Sehun asked, "Its possible since we got so busy right away" Baekhyun answered Sehun's question but I couldnt help to let a forced small laugh come out.  "C'mon guys let him finish" Kris said and made me a sign to proceed.

"Even though we debuted I would always come to get her at school and take her home, her classes would always end late and I didn't want her to go home alone, even when i would arrive late she would still be waiting for me with a smile on her face, she was comprehensive and she knew that no matter what i would always be there for her and most important of all she wasn't jealous of me being famous, she wanted me to be happy. However all this started to change when we started to travel in and out of the country, I started to drift away from her, meeting her or even being with her was getting really impossible because our schedules would end up late and i would always be tired, even though i was tired i would still meet her but she always got mad at me for that. 'Go home and sleep, i'll go by bus or taxi don't worry' she would always say." I sighed "The most amazing thing is that we never fought until one day I was really tired and yet i came to pick her up and she got mad at me for that and we fought... like we never did in 4 years; i got so mad at her that i left her there and went away... and we didn't talk for a whole month" 

"So did you guys broke up?" Sehun asked again.

"I would have prefered that way" I gulped as I tried to fight the tears that were appearing in my eyes "After one month of being mad at each other, her brother called me and asked me if i had been with her and obviously i told him no because i was busy and tired... do you know what did he say?" A tear fell from my eye "He called me ' immature rascal' and told me that she was a week after our fight and she had never left the house since then, he told me that she cried every single night in the shower and she wouldnt leave from that place. Do you know how i felt? My whole world fell apart. That day i didn't care about our schedules or about my future, i ran to her house, i ran like i would never see her again and when i arrived there...." Tears kept falling and it was getting hard to talk, I couldn't even look at my fellow members but i felt them crying with me as well "Once i arrived there i saw her weak little body in the ground surrounded by blood due the deep cuts in her little wrists. I fell on my knees and grabbed her bringing her close to my embrace, I cried my heart out and begged her to not leave me, It was my fault, it is my fault, for being weak and stupid and immature" 

"Don't tell me that...." Luhan said and i nodded and said "Today makes one year after she died..."

"Why didn't you told us that? That's why when we were preparing ourselves for the comeback you would barely leave this place?" Kris asked and I nodded.

 "Kim Joonmyun stop blaming yourself for that, i bet she is proud of you, it was a misunderstanding and i believe she wants you to be happy" Xiumin said and i smiled between tears.

"Wait a minute!" we looked at Kai "So that's why there's always a letter in your bag with your name on it, it's from her isnt it? She must have written before she..." suddenly Luhan glared at Kai and he became quiet, "Did you read it?" Chen asked, "No... I couldn't do it" I answered.

They all gave me a hug and we left for our dorm. The next morning while we were leaving for a schedule everyone was quiet, I felt sorry for that, I didn't want them to stay like that just because of a mistake, suddenly our manager stopped the car and everyone got out, I didn't know what was happening because this wasn't SBS building and when i realized we were at the cemitery. Suddenly i felt Xiumin's hand on my shoulder.

"Lead us to her grave please..." I looked shocked and surprised but i ended up doing as he asked.

They all bowed to her grave and i was standing there looking surprised with their actions when suddenly Kris approached me and handed me the letter.

"It's time to move on, you know you can count on us now, you have 11 brothers to support you no matter what. Take your time" As soon as he finished his sentence, they all left. I stood there with the letter on my hand as I looked at her grave, then i finally decided to take a sit.

"My guess is I’m sitting right in front of you right now, and you’re wondering why I don’t just talk to you. Well, the main reason is because I don’t want to mess this up. I’m afraid if I just talk, I’ll miss something and beat myself up on my way home for forgetting" I said " The letter you left me.... I will now read it".

I took a deep breath and opened the letter.