„So a comeback in October it is?” Jiyong smiled at me and nodded. “You know that are only two month? Why so sudden?” “We have a tour in November, forgotten?” Jiyong pouted. And I really had forgotten about the tour. Come on Choi Seunghyun don’t let him notice that you really forgot it. “Aniyoooo… of course I didn’t forget about the tour.” “Liar!” He laughed and snapped me against my forehead. “Ya, Jiyongah, why are you doing this to me?” “Because you were on your holiday, shopping tour, whatever it was and didn’t call me for four freaking weeks. You need to burn in hell.” Ah, dammit, he was really angry at me. I feared that beforehand. I knew I should call the leader at least once a week and even that is not enough, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get myself to call him. Something was strange about me lately. Right now I could feel it again. My tummy rumbled like crazy and my heart hurt and I ing didn’t know why. It drove me crazy. I thought some time away from Big Bang would help me with that problem, but no. I missed them like crazy and once I was back that freaking feeling was back as soon I was seeing them sitting all together in the conference room. At least we were all in here together, so it wasn’t that bad.

In the beginning I thought I was in love, although I didn’t know who I was in love with. But this feeling was so different from all the girls before so much so stronger. I don’t even know. And it kept growing and growing. I already feared to go to a doctor. It could be something like, I don’t know, a tumor. And I surely didn’t want that right now. I didn’t want ever to be quite honest. I looked up to face the others and they were all staring at me. Did they ask me something? Did I say something loud? Dammit. “What is it?” I asked nervously. “Seunghyun, could you pay attention to what I say only once?” Now Jiyong was really angry. He never calls me Seunghyun unless he’s angry or it’s for a show. Normally it’s Hyung or Hyunnie. I preferred both before my full name. “Sorry, Ji, I just have some tummy ache but it’s okay, I pay more attention now.” Jiyongs expression softens. “You have tummy ache? Shall I get you some tea?” Is he worried right now? Oh my god, that’s so cute. “It’s okay, it goes away soon.” “Here take one.” Seungri suddenly shoved me something into my hands. Some small pills. “They are against tummy ache, just take one.” Oh. “Okay. Thanks Ri.” He just smiled to me and nodded proudly as if he’d saved the freaking world. I know that those feelings won’t go away with some pills. I’ve already tried that. But I won’t make it worse either. So I just took one.

After six hours of talking about the new album we were done. And I was done with the world. I laid down onto the floor. Just because I could. I sat long enough on a chair today. My head was full of everything we talked about. Which songs are we going to promote? Should we write new songs? Or should we decide between those we already prepared? What should we use as a concept? Are we going to work together with someone? How are we going to promote? Too many questions and even more discussions about the answers. It was way too much. Now even my head hurt. But the strange feelings are not so strong right now. Wait. What am I saying they just got worse. What’s wrong with me? Suddenly I could feel Jiyong laying next to me. “Hyung, what are you doing?” “Laying on the floor.” What the hell, Ji, why are you asking me that isn’t that obvious? “I can see that Hyung, but why?” I turned my head to look at Jiyong. That seemed to be a mistake. As soon as I turned my head and looked in Jiyong hazel brown eyes which were looking at me the rumbling in my tummy got crazy. Now it even hurts to turn my head. Yeah, great, thanks. “It feels good after sitting so long.” I explained. “Ah.” Jiyong smiled at me. Other people would maybe call me crazy, but Ji knows me well enough to know that it’s normal for me. “We need to write a few new songs then, Hyung.” “I know, but not today, I’m freaking tired.” And I would only be able to write songs about strange feelings today anyway. “Let’s meet tomorrow. You should take some rest as well. You just ended your tour and look at your eyes. They are becoming all panda. You could be Seungri right now.” I chuckled. Then I noticed my finger. It softly laid on Jiyongs face right below his eyes. What the hell am I doing? When did I put my finger there? But damn, Jiyong got some soft chin. Slowly I his face with my thumb. What the hell am I doing? The panic was all over me. This felt so awkward. This atmosphere. That was so strange. But why did it felt so good, so right, to Jiyongs face. To look into his eyes. To see the lightly red shimmer on his cheeks. To smile at him. Choi Seunghyun, get a grip on yourself. Suddenly I took my hand back and sat up abruptly. “Sorry.” I murmured. But Jiyong didn’t say a word. He silently touched the part of the face were my hand had him. Aish. Why had this touch felt so different from all the other touches before? Jiyong sat up a short amount of time after me. “Yeah. Let’s meet tomorrow.” He whispered. Why did he whisper? Did I shock him? This was driving me crazy. Why was I behaving like this?

We went out of the YG building together. To calm me down a bit I lightened a cigarette and lightened one for Jiyong as well. There was a short comfortable silence before I raised my voice. “Where do we want to meet together tomorrow, to write the song and when?” Jiyong looked up at me and seemed to think a little bit. “Our place in the park as always and late evening?” I looked at my clock. It was now 3AM so late evening sounded great. “Alright. See you then Ji.” He smiled at me and waved. “Good night, Hyunnie.” He turned around to walk to his car. “Good night, Ji.” I called after him. “Ah and Ji.” I didn’t know what made me say that. I really didn’t know. Jiyong turned around frowning at me. “I’m sorry I didn’t called you when I was gone.” He smiled at me. A soft, lovely smile on his lips. “It’s okay, Hyung. I was just worried. Don’t do something like that again.” I nodded. “I promise!” And I really did. I’ll never stop calling him from now on. I just realized how much I missed the younger one. How much he actually meant to me. And I realized that there was still something strange about us and I wanted to find out what this was tomorrow.

“Ugh.” Do I need to get up already? My phone was buzzing and the sound of “I’m Gee, Gee, Gee, Gee baby baby, GD GD baby baby” came to my ears. Dammit. Jiyong was calling me. I jumped right out of the bed reaching for my phone. “Ye?” I mumbled into the phone. “So I was right. Hyunnie you bad boy.” Dafuq, Ji, what is wrong with you? “Ji, what the hell?” “Hyunniee, I’m right in front of your door. You forgot me.” I did what? He was in front of my apartment? Why? I looked at the clock. “Oh it, sorry Ji. I’m so sorry. Somehow my alarm didn’t work. I let you in in a second.” I heard his cute giggle on the phone than I disconnected. I ran towards the door and opened it.

Jiyong looked at me. I don’t really know this expression. He looked shocked. And his face became all red and, what the Ji, he suddenly nibbled on his lower lip. “Hi”, he mumbled still staring at me. Somehow this nibbling on his lower lip made me feel all dizzy and the way his hands played with the hem of his shirt. All dizzy. Why did he play so shy just standing there not coming inside. I shook my head. Maybe it’s because I didn’t invite him in. But normally he doesn’t care for that. He just comes in. Oh god Ji, could you stop eating your lip, it makes me go crazy. “Come in”, I said somehow breathless. “Yeah, thanks”, he said and came in. I closed the door behind him. He stood with the back to me now and suddenly he chuckled nervously. “You could have put some clothes on before you open the door for me, you know that, don’t you?” And with these words he turned around to stare in my eyes, his face all red and his eyes shining. Then his eyes were roaming shameless over my body as if he has seen something he wanted to eat. Suddenly my face grew hot and I knew I was as red as he was in that moment. I looked down onto myself. I only wore some boxer shorts nothing more. Oh my god, that was embarrassing, so embarrassing. I normally didn’t show my body that openly. I didn’t feel secure about myself. My tummy was still not looking that beautiful at least I thought that. Other people like my mum told me, I’m totally perfect now, but she is my mum, she needs to say that. I scratched my head nervously. “Yeah, I could have. But I forgot I’m not wearing anything else as I heard you’re staying in front of my door.” The truth is the best right now, I figured. Ji seemed to be shocked already. I don’t need to lie to him right now. I don’t know what I should think of his reaction as he saw me. He didn’t walk away in disgust as he saw me but he wasn’t normal as well. I really didn’t know what I should think about that.

I walked back to my room. Ji right behind me. I told him, he could wait in the living room. But he said he didn’t want to wait alone. He had already waited half an hour in the park. And because I felt so bad about that I let him come with me. He threw himself on my bed and looked at me with a smirk. Why was he smirking? I didn’t understand the world anymore. “Do we want to write the songs tomorrow? I don’t really feel like writing a hit song right now.” Ji said suddenly. I turned around to look at me while putting on some sweatpants. “Sure”, I said. “It’s probably better that way. I feel kinda strange today.” Jiyong sat up abruptly suddenly worry all over his face. “You feel strange? Didn’t you already say yesterday you had tummy ache? Are you alright? You make me worry.” With that he moved towards me, putting a hand on my forehead to check my temperature. “Hm, you don’t have a fever.” I’m not sure about that Jiyong. My face became all red once again. His hand was so cold on my face. His eyes stared directly into mine. And he stood only a few centimeters away from me. A frown was on his beautiful face. His lips, his perfectly formed lips, pouted slightly. We just stood like that and it seemed like the time stopped. We looked at each other without moving away. Jiyongs hand was still lying on my forehead. And then I felt a sudden urge to hug him to press him against my chest and dammit my body moved before I could stop it. I pressed his petite form against mine, feeling his heartbeat raising. “I missed you, Kwon Jiyong. I missed you more than I thought I would.” He had stiffened in between my arms but now he melted into the hug. Wrapping his arms around me. Oh god that felt so good. I never felt something more warming than that. This was the perfect hug also I still wasn’t wearing a shirt and just woke up and everything. This just felt right. My heart was beating louder than ever. The feeling in my tummy was overwhelming. “I missed you much more, stupid.” Jiyong muffled into my ear. A hot shower went down my spine and suddenly I knew it. Suddenly I understood all the strange feelings and everything. it. I pushed Ji away from me, so that he landed on my bed. “Sorry”, I mumbled turning towards my closet and grabbing a shirt. While I pulled the shirt over my head I heard a low sniffle.

I turned around to look at Jiyong. He had his head hidden in his hands. His shoulders moving uncontrollably. Was he crying? No way. Jiyong never cried. “Hey, Ji.” He looked at me and really he was crying. What should I do? Why was he crying? He shouldn’t be crying. “I can take my shirt off again if you want to see my chest so badly.” Come on. Laugh. This was such an awkward joke. Jiyong needed to laugh because of that. And yes he did. First he looked at me as if I was crazy, then he burst out laughing. “Hyunnie, you are so awkward.” He said in tears because of all the laughing. “I know”, I said low. “But you cried. You shall not cry.” Suddenly we became all serious again. This was feeling strange. “I’m sorry.” Jiyong whispered. “Don’t be, Ji. Everyone cries sometimes. It’s okay.” “You don’t cry. The last time I saw you crying was a long time ago.” Suddenly a memory popped up my head.

Last month. I was in some freaking club, drinking way too much. And some girl wanted to make up with me. She was rubbing herself all over me and I suddenly started crying. I shoved the girl away and told her, that only Jiyong was allowed to dance like that with me. Only Jiyong was allowed to touch me. Oh. So I already knew it that time. I figured out, I fell in love with Jiyong already back then? I totally forgot. I blame the alcohol that I forgot.

“You don’t even know, Ji. I’m just good at hiding.” Jiyong looked at me with sad, big eyes. I sat down on the bed next to him. “But why did you cry?” It was because I was hugging him so tightly. I’m a guy I shouldn’t hug another man that intimate. It’s my entire fault. It seemed that I’ve said the last sentence aloud because Jiyong contradicted without a second. “No it isn’t your fault. It’s me. I … I …” Jiyong had a hard time right now. I could see that. So I placed my hand on his leg to calm him down.  “Okay, Seunghyun”, he hissed. Wait, why Seunghyun? What did I do wrong? He jumped from the bed. “Now it’s your fault. you. You already figured it out, didn’t you? And now you’re playing with me? You bastard!” What the ? I didn’t understand a freaking word of what Jiyong said. But the younger one run out of the room and wanted to leave the apartment. No way I would let him go. I caught him right in the moment he wanted to open the door to leave the apartment. I grabbed him at the arm and shoved him against the door. “You don’t walk away like that Jiyong”, I growled. Jiyong tried to free himself, but I was stronger than him. His fists which were throwing punches against my chest didn’t do anything to me. “Seunghyun, let me go.” Tears were running down his face again. “No, I can’t let you go, when you’re crying. I don’t get it. What did I do wrong to make you cry?” Those sad eyes which looked up at me right now, they were going to kill me. “Don’t cry”, I whispered and whipped away those tears. But they come back right away. “I don’t want to make you cry. I can’t see you crying. Your way too precious to me.” I wanted to say even more but suddenly my words were muffled by a mouth. Lips were hovering over mine. Then the lips touched mine. Just a quick little peck. Nothing more. But it made me want more. Made me want to discover everything. The sweet scent of the other man. The taste. Everything.

“Now I’m not precious to you anymore, am I?” Jiyong said with a fake laugh. “Now you’re disgusted because of me. Ain’t I right? You hate me right now. Don’t you? I’m destroying everything right now. But it’s so freaking hard to keep a grip of myself when I’m with you.” He was still crying. He should stop crying finally. He should shout in joy. “You’re so stupid, Ji.” I said giggling. “Don’t make fun of me.” He hissed. I laid a finger on his lips. “Shut up”, I smiled. “You’re so freaking stupid for thinking I could hate you. I could never hate you like you think I would. Well obviously I hate you for some certain things. I hate you for your nibbling on your lower lips, because it drives me crazy. I hate it, when you smile at me, because it makes me melt. But even more I hate it when you are all lovey dovey with other people for some freaking photo shoot. I hate it when you are all cuddly with Youngbae or Seungri or Daesung or anyone else but me. I hate it when you ignore me. I hate it when you’re far away from me. I hate it, when I can’t hold you in my arms. And right now I hate you for kissing me, because I will never get enough of kissing you. I’m not going to be able to stop kissing you from now on.” Jiyong had stopped crying and just looked at me right now with wide eyes. I leaned down to kiss him on the forehead. “I love you, stupid. I just realized it myself.” Now Jiyongs eyes were shining with pure joy. He moved forward and wrapped his arms around me pulling me into the tightest hug. “You love me?” He smiled. “Yes I do. Way too much. I love you more than anything else on this world and that confused me, that’s why I walked away. But I came back realizing I can’t change anything. So…” I looked him in the eyes, and then I shoved him against the wall once again. But I shoved him carefully so I won’t hurt him. Then I neared my face his face and finally kissed him. I kissed him passionately. It felt right. The way he melted in my arms. The way he played with my hair while kissing me back. The way our tongues danced a choreo they seemed to know way longer than we did. It felt so natural. So good. It was beyond heaven. It was our little paradise. Everything was perfect. We finally could hold each other without ever stopping it again. We loved each other and that was the only thing that counted. Forever.