“I’m sorry.” Jongwoon looked both sincerely and guiltily at Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun could feel the stinging hotness of liquid welling from his eyes, threatening to fall any moment but Kyuhyun bit his lips. He refused to cry; he refused for Jongwoon to see him at that kind of state, still falling, shattering even though the better part of him knew he was already broken.

He stared at Jongwoon, willing him to look directly at him, to see for himself the pain he brought Kyuhyun but Jongwoon was looking down, afraid to see what’s before him, what he caused to Kyuhyun.

“I’m really, really sorry, Kyuhyun. I didn’t know...” Jongwoon began explaining desperately but Kyuhyun interrupted him with a loud roar of laughter, a laugh filled with suffering that it almost chokes its way out of Kyuhyun’s throat – to let it all out, to release it because they’ve been too much already for Kyuhyun to take, for him to live with.

“You didn’t know? What the ’s that supposed to mean? That you lead people on because you don’t know that they’re in love with you?” Kyuhyun said through his laugh, eyeing Jongwoon questioningly though his eyes were never really questioning. As much as it pained Kyuhyun, he knew his eyes were still yearning, hoping of what was probably never his and could never be.

“Kyu...” Jongwoon started again, more desperately than before.

But talking to Kyuhyun was impossible at the moment. His heart was stolen and then trashed, and as if that wasn’t enough, it was crushed, not just once but over and over again. That’s how much Kyuhyun was hurting. But even when he was hurting like that, he couldn’t bring himself to despise the man in front of him. Kyuhyun knew he should but he just couldn’t bring his heart to.

It’s ironic and absolutely masochistic but he was the only one Kyuhyun loved that way.

And yet, Jongwoon was too oblivious to see that. Or maybe, he just never thought – not even once – that this could happen.

“Kyuhyun, please... Let’s just go back, okay?” Jongwoon almost pleaded, taking a step forward towards Kyuhyun but Kyuhyun takes three steps backwards, like he was afraid of Jongwoon and it actually saddened Jongwoon to see him like that. He was like a younger brother to Jongwoon – just as Donghae, Sungmin or Ryeowook were to him.

For a moment there, Kyuhyun looked at him confusedly, not knowing what Jongwoon was telling him until Jongwoon continued, “Let’s go back, Kyu. Let’s go back when everything’s alright and nothing complicated is happening like this.”

And it dawned to Kyuhyun what Jongwoon could possibly, bravely yet stupidly, suggesting, “Let’s go back to being friends, Kyu, to being brothers.”

This time, Kyuhyun wasn’t able to hold back the tears. After everything, Jongwoon wasn’t even ready to acknowledge Kyuhyun’s feelings. After everything, all Jongwoon wanted was to forget about Kyuhyun’s feelings for him. Kyuhyun never expected it to be reciprocated; never. He was contented with his unrequited feelings for Jongwoon but Jongwoon led him on, making him believe that he was feeling the same way Kyuhyun feels for him. And Kyuhyun actually believed that.

Maybe he has just fallen too hard for Jongwoon. Maybe he was just an idiot.

In all Kyuhyun’s honesty, he knew it wasn’t entirely Jongwoon’s fault. Jongwoon was like that – the way he treated Kyuhyun – to the others as well. The only difference was that they weren’t in love with Jongwoon and Kyuhyun was.

“Are you hearing what you’re saying, Jongwoon?” Kyuhyun snapped at him and he must be imagining the way Jongwoon flinched when he said Jongwoon’s name coldly, without formality, without endearment, almost as though they’re strangers.

“Kyu...” Jongwoon began, his guilty, desperate and sad expression now meeting Kyuhyun’s pained – only pain was visible in Kyuhyun’s eyes and a possible hint of amusement because of Jongwoon’s previous statement – one because of Kyuhyun’s uncontrollable sobbing, tears were non-stop, his voice was coming out incoherently and his shoulder were shaking furiously. Kyuhyun was practically convulsing and Jongwoon was worried for the younger.

But before Jongwoon could say anything, Kyuhyun interrupted him, interjecting harshly; Kyuhyun’s eyes were blank and his voice, even trembling, seemed the coldest Jongwoon has ever heard.

“Don’t call me that.” Kyuhyun’s voice was a lot composed but also colder than Kyuhyun expected and intended. He noticed Jongwoon’s surprised – and was that hurt in his expression? – look and Kyuhyun fought hard the urge to just wrap his arms on Jongwoon’s smaller built.

Kyuhyun knew he has to make a choice now. It’s either he accepts Jongwoon’s suggestion or he lets go – forever. Both choices made Kyuhyun sick but he knew he must choose one. That or any second now, he’ll fall on his knees and beg Jongwoon to acknowledge his feelings, even though, Kyuhyun knew, Jongwoon would never accept this kind of love he has for him.

“We can’t go back,” Kyuhyun was almost whispering but his voice remained audible in Jongwoon’s ears. “We can’t pretend like everything is fine and nothing has happened. I don’t want to act as if that I don’t love you and that you can’t love me back, can’t even acknowledge the fact that I’m in love with you.”

Jongwoon opened his mouth and was about to say something but Kyuhyun had interjected before Jongwoon could utter a word. He looked resolutely at Jongwoon although it was still visible in his eyes – the torn, broken gaze, the misery and longing, the melancholy of having to let go but still, ultimately, wanting holding on. Even Jongwoon could see that, finally.

“Listen to me,” Kyuhyun said, his voice full of resolve. He has made his choice. “I promise this will be the last time you’ll hear of this.”

The last time you’ll hear of me, Kyuhyun thought; Kyuhyun wanted to add but he knew it didn’t matter because that wouldn’t matter to Jongwoon anyway.

“I love you,” Kyuhyun said the words effortlessly, meeting Jongwoon’s hesitant eyes and it astonished Kyuhyun how nice it felt, telling the person you love that you love him, without pretensions, without holding back. “I know there’s no reason for you to love me back. I know you can’t and won’t love me back as more than a younger brother, the way I love you. But all the same, I love you.”

Kyuhyun took a deep breath before continuing. He could feel a huge lump in his throat, making it harder for him to say what he was going to say next. But he has made his choice. And for once in what seemed to be a thousand years already, his heart agreed with his mind.

Let go, Kyuhyun.

“So I can’t forget it. I can’t forget any of it,” Kyuhyun said decisively. “We can’t go back.”

Kyuhyun gazed at Jongwoon, at his jet black hair, styled perfectly to fit him, at his tiny, yet so expressive, beautiful eyes, at his full, rose-coloured lips which Kyuhyun would give anything to kiss, even just for once, even just for one last time. He was ethereal and Kyuhyun knew there was nobody else like Jongwoon, not for an entire millennium.

Jongwoon only stood there, looking back at Kyuhyun, stoic but not exactly expressionless. As a matter of fact, Jongwoon was showing a pool of emotions although the one that Kyuhyun was searching for, desiring for since a long time ago, sadly though not really unexpectedly, wasn’t there.

When Jongwoon didn’t say anything, Kyuhyun knew it was time.

There was really nothing to hold on to from the very start, wasn’t there?

Kyuhyun forced his legs to move and walked, ever so slowly, to Jongwoon. He remained his eyes on Jongwoon’s and tried to memorize the other’s face even if Kyuhyun knew there wasn’t any need to. Even when sleeping, even when he has his eyes closed, Jongwoon’s face was engraved on his mind and on his heart.

It was carved on Kyuhyun’s deeply, almost like permanently that Kyuhyun knew it would take a long time for it to be gone. Like a tattoo, it will be hard and painful.

Jongwoon shivered slightly when he felt Kyuhyun’s cold, slender fingers brushing some hair off his face. He couldn’t remember when he had last looked at Kyuhyun long enough to notice how Kyuhyun grew significantly thinner and looked a lot older than he really was. Jongwoon realized that he was probably looking but not long enough to see the dark, ugly bags that had formed under Kyuhyun’s coffee-like eyes that used to be full of warmth and glee. Now, all Jongwoon saw in those eyes were pain, pain he had brought Kyuhyun.

Maybe if Jongwoon just looked closely enough none of this would have happened?

Maybe if Jongwoon only understood Kyuhyun’s feelings for him he wouldn’t have brought Kyuhyun so much agony and heartache?

Jongwoon’s self-hatred suddenly stopped when he felt Kyuhyun’s body against his, the younger wrapping his arms around Jongwoon uneasily. Jongwoon was unable to move, partly because Kyuhyun was hugging him like he never wanted to let go and partly because he wasn’t sure what to do.

Kyuhyun knew he has to let go. He has to but he was only waiting for one thing, for Jongwoon to hug him back, even just this once, even just for this last time.

After several more seconds of futile waiting, Jongwoon didn’t hug Kyuhyun back and Kyuhyun had to remove his arms from Jongwoon’s, his heart wrenching, if it was still possible. Kyuhyun truthfully believed that his heart wasn’t anymore there on his chest, that it has already been broken into a million pieces.

Kyuhyun remained standing closely to Jongwoon and as the remaining strength on him started vanishing, he leaned slowly and kissed Jongwoon’s temple. He considered he could have kissed Jongwoon on the lips but it pained him more, thinking that he could have all of Jongwoon’s body but not – no, never – his heart.

“I’ll never forget you,” Kyuhyun whispered into Jongwoon’s ears, before pulling away, turning his back to Jongwoon and leaving.

I’ll never stop loving you, Kyuhyun had wanted to add but decided against it.

It wouldn’t matter, anyway.

* * * * *

“WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?!” Jungsoo’s unusually loud voice engulfed the whole floor.

They were at President Lee Sunkyu’s – or better known as Girls’ Generation Sunny’s – office. The niece of former SM Entertainment’s President Lee Sooman was now the CEO of the entertainment company, after the disbandment of the said girl group and Sunny’s marriage and settlement to and with Super Junior’s Sungmin. They were called at the president’s office because of an important announcement that morning.

Sunny stopped herself from rolling her eyes to Jungsoo. She knew he wasn’t just overreacting. When a certain member of Super Junior called her in the middle of the night, speaking about having something to tell her importantly, very urgently, to the point of that member appearing in her house at two in the morning, she reacted the same way Jungsoo did.

She wasn’t the company’s CEO for nothing. “Calm down, Jungsoo-oppa,” Sunny said steadily. She turned to her husband who was standing behind her, Sungmin’s hands were rested on her shoulder but seeing Sungmin’s eyes, she knew he was as flabbergasted as Jungsoo was with her news.

He was an important member. He was their maknae.

“What happened?” Ryeowook’s voice was low, his eyes never leaving Sunny’s.

Amidst the cries and questions from the devastated, thirteen remaining members of Super Junior, nobody noticed how Sunny glanced at Jongwoon knowingly for a split second. She noticed how the man fidgeted on his seat but remained silent unlike the others who were practically tearing the office apart because of their noises.

Jongwoon looked tragic.

Kyuhyun has left Super Junior.

* * * * *

The plane was moving ahead and everything seemed to have stopped inside the aero vehicle as all passengers halted in whatever they were doing and let themselves be absorbed that they’re finally leaving. They’re finally flying away, to work in some foreign place, to have a vacation somewhere, to leave something behind, to move on, to move forward.

There was a man in the left wing of the plane; he was sitting by the window and was looking below as they were finally up. He was thinking of the country he called home for twenty-five years, of the family and the brothers who stood there beside him, through thick or thin, of the people who have always supported him even when he has and was nothing, yet.

Eventually, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he was thinking of him.

The first tear fell. Soon, his shoulders were shaking intolerably and the old woman sitting beside him asked concernedly, “Are you okay?”

Kyuhyun breathed vehemently and cried. “It just... hurts.”

* * * * *

It was exactly two years, nine months and fifteen days when they met again.

“Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon walked towards him, hesitantly.

“Hyung,” Kyuhyun said, smiling to the older man and hugging him tightly. “How are you, hyung?”

“I guess I’m fine.”

“You guess? You look awesome, hyung! I saw your concert last night. The crowd’s spectacular and they’re practically tearing the whole arena down with their screams when you sang “Your Eyes” with Ryeowook. You guys sang it better than we did, hyung.”

Jongwoon smiled weakly. “You’ve changed.”

Kyuhyun raised a brow. “Changed?”

“You look... happier.”

“I guess I’ve changed then.”

* * * * *

End