He is named the main singer, but he is not the lead, which explains his spot in the band. As a vocalist he must be proud working on his voice, but the problem is that another member has the talent better than he does.

Yoo Youngjae, was first meant to be the one and only vocalist in the newly constructed band, until a slightly older hyung had to appear in his life. He was broke even before his name was broadcasted to the public

He so much wanted to be seen, but hell, the stage’s spotlight was always a meter away and he couldn’t take a move, the melody his hyung was emitting from the beautiful cords of his lounges are way captivating, he feels ashamed of himself

How did he even get first place in that competition two years ago! He is too embarrassed to say anything about that fact, because he is not worthy of it and he knows that

Hell if this Daehyun was there at that time he would never be the winner anyways, and that’s evident in the massive number of opportunities the elder was given compared to him

He wishes he wouldn’t call this feeling 'Jealousy'

And he wished once, though he regretted that right after, if only Daehyun had never made it to Seoul, somehow

How cruel he is

He doesn’t even have the looks, which might have by any chance give him a boost if he did, and he hates to compare himself with his hyung

Curse belly fat, he was supposed to be a stick to satisfy even the supposedly his own fans

Youngjae took it upon himself to stand to their expectation, if at least on that side, so he fasted, as in never eat only drink

That’s when all his colas were donated to s who looked at him questioningly, but he shrugged it off and said they looked poor and he feels so generous, they laughed

He started to act busy when food was served and would wait until they are half way through the meal when he would appear and sit, moving slowly as if helping himself to some of the food, but would not even get any near his lips; because everyone would have had finished and left by that time, and he is free to escape

Two weeks with no food but water and barely some orange juice, he lost eight kilograms

But he is even worse at dancing than ever. So his new tactics were supposed to eat half an orange a day, but he ate only half the half, he says he is full

Himchan nagged at him for he is turning yellowish

The dance practices were hell, he doesn’t have the energy but he couldn’t find it in himself to actually eat, he feels guilty thinking about the idea

Yet very afraid to complain, he knows he is going to be scolded for it

Yongguk once scolded him and said “loosing fast means gaining faster” well even the nutritionist instructed the same but yet his gut feeling said 'No' to all of them

He fights with his inner self too hard, he loses every time

And that goes on between Daehyun’s attempts to make him eat and Jongups cheering, until he realises his weight won’t go down more than the fourteen kilograms he worked on so hard

He fears drinking water, that he will gain grams and get rounder

At first water was to fill his hunger and prevent him from eating, but now since he doesn’t even eat, he is afraid of drinking. knowing he is not eating anyways so why drink?

His voice crack, he feels his stomach muscles failing him. His pride is at stack

He blames his weak stomach deu to continues vomiting, when the members nag at his head to eat a bowl of vegetable and chicken, he always made sure to disappear to the bathroom and stick two fingers down his throat

He might sound disparate, but what else can he do?

Sometimes he seems to like the nagging he gets from the others

When he stands from a sitting position, his world flips for a second. But he kept quite or else he will be forced to put something in his tummy

He fears food more than Daehyun

He feels just fine while dancing so that kind of confused him

But that doesn’t last long. When once he is about to enter his room, he felt the walls close in on him, and everything out, but he knows he is still on his feet and the swinging door he tried to hold on for dear life didn’t help much

His breathing was loud, cut short and quick. In a matter of seconds, colours were back and his face and forehead were burning with cold sweat

Getting scared, he ran to the first person he found in the living room, manager hyung, but didn’t utter a word, stayed there bewildered, he could not say anything, he is the one at fault

His image might be destroyed

So he left to his room again to finish his school work, he is glad that the day was called off

Of course emptying his insides of any little food he ate, which his hyungs were very happy to see him gulp, he made his way to the living room, and plopped down the big couch

He is feeling perfectly fine now, very content and guilty for what might have had been consumed into his system of dinner’s food

Sighing, Daehyun’s grunt was heard beside him

“You look so skinny now, if only you didn’t eat just now I would have punched you across the face”

Youngjae chuckled at his friend and looked away

But Daehyun didn’t seem to have finished “Can I hug you?” he said, and admittedly it was very awkward that the younger found a grin on his face, just about to laugh

But Daehyun’s face didn’t “just want to really know how much you got thinner” he is dead serious

And Youngjae didn’t find it in him to shake his head

He feels too heavy to talk, too tired

So standing lazily he allowed the other’s arms go around him, laughing at Himchan who stared at them, and hearing Junhong’s voice commenting about his oversized clothes. He feels Daehyun patting his back, very urgently, it kind of hurts. Youngjae tried to laugh it off

“hey what are you doing?” he asked lowly

But then he heard things like “Bring some water, hurry” and he was pulled from a lying position to sitting, he subconsciously pulled himself up and bent over, but tow palms rested his back against the couch’s back

Then he realised how fast and hard his breathing is

Blinking over and over, he hears someone’s voice at his right asking if he was ok, of course he was, what else!

“It’s nothing, this happens all the time” his tongue reasoned, forgetting that the people around him live under the same roof

A glass of water was forced in his hands, that he was afraid of , his mind tells him that he is going to sleep now and he should not have anything inside his system

But that didn’t work as Jongup rushed in after all the chaos that happened- which Youngjae doesn’t remember, with a bowl of yogurt and honey

He felt like crying when everyone were scolding him to eat

He did when Yongguk threatened to call the manager. Only one spoonful he allowed hesitantly, then he rested his head onto the couch’s back again. The one that stayed at his right whole the time pulled his heavy head to his own shoulder caressing it

Youngjae pulled away quickly, Gruelling. his head splitting. something inside of him hating this pity

So he acts strong while at his weakest

But he felt Daehyung’s palm back on his head and between his hairs

“You scared me ”

And the younger felt his eyes stinging

Zelo had to point out that his face looked funny, all red and puffy. which he felt horrible thinking about

Again came Daehyun’s voice “don’t do this again” it sounded hushed and concerned

Youngjae felt even worse. the monster inside is bigger than him, he feels hollow.

_______________________________

waah finaly finished this at five in the morning XP well uhm is it bad or bad? srsly