28/09/2013 (Sunday)

He Came Back

Dear diary,

Today is one of those melancholy days when flashbacks, feelings, memories all come back to the present and make me reflect about the past.

I knew since I woke up that this wouldn’t be a great day. The sky was filled with dark clouds, which were heavy with rain, ready to let that cold and careless water fall down in the earth. As you know very well, I don’t like these days. They bring memories and feelings I so want to forget and leave behind.

You know those days when you want to curl up in the sofa, watch sad movies and cry along with them while it rains outside; drinking hot cocoa while wrapped in a blanket and thinking of life? I felt like doing that today, but mom had asked me to go to the grocery shop. After getting washed up and getting dressed up, I left for the nearest grocery shop.

I stuffed my hands in my jacket pockets as the cold of the coming winter was already announcing its arrival. I walked towards the shop in my skinny jeans, a pair of black boots and in my cozy and warm dark blue jacket, as I fixed my scarf. I entered, grabbed a shopping basket and looked at the list of things mom wrote for me to buy.

I went through the corridors and risked in the paper the things I already had on the basket. There was just one thing left: corn. I went to the corridor where the conserved cans were and scanned each shelf. I saw tuna, sausages, cucumbers and finally corn. I stretched my arm to grab the can, but instead of touching the can my fingers touched something else. At not feeling the can’s texture, I quickly took my hand away and looked to my side, only to realize I touched some else’s hand.

When my eyes landed on the person I felt like everything had stopped. He was right there, in front of me. I couldn’t believe in what I was seeing. How could he … ? We stood quiet for some time, until when my mouth finally decided to finish with the silence between us.

“Tao …” I quietly whispered as my eyes slowly got watery.

“Mei Lin …” he whispered my name as we both stared at each other’s eyes.

I quickly broke the eye contact and left to pay for the food without taking the corn can, leaving Tao behind as he looked at the ground feeling full of regret and guilt.

I paid for everything and left the grocery store as fast as I could. I didn’t want to cry more than I had already cried for him. I didn’t want to feel hopeless and lifeless again because of him, so I just ran. I ran back home so I wouldn’t have to talk to him ever again, even though I had that desire every day.

After arriving home, mom scanned the bags and found that there was one thing missing. How could I remember that I hadn’t bought the corn, while my mind was flooded with memories, thoughts and was a total chaos?

“Where’s the corn?” mom asked. In that moment I didn’t know what to answer, I was still thinking of him.

“I forgot to buy it. Sorry.” I apologized and made my way to my room. I took off my jacket and threw myself to my bed and oh, how I had the urge to cry. I glanced to the phone, grabbed it and went to my contacts list. When I clicked on his number I had this voice in my head that kept pushing me to call him, but I couldn’t. My hands wouldn’t just follow my orders. A tear rolled down my cheek and I began to cry.

I threw the phone and it landed on the ground. I rolled away and grabbed my pillow thigh as I sobbed. I closed my eyes and I remembered what happened exactly two years ago. 

I woke up to the sunrays shining brightly through my room’s window and like always the first thing I did, was checking my phone. As I unlocked it, I had no text message neither a phone call. I found it odd as Tao always sent me a good morning text or sometimes he just called me to wake me up (yes, he was my alarm clock most of the times), but today I didn’t have any  of those.

I shrugged it, trying to not make it a big deal and went to get dressed and eat breakfast to go to school. As time was passing by and I still didn’t have any news from Tao. I started getting worried. I arrived at school and decided to call him. It rang and rang but he didn’t pick up. I phoned him again but he still didn’t pick up my calls. The school’s bell rang and I had to go to class, feeling worried sick about Tao.

During classes I couldn’t concentrate. I could only think of Tao and what had possibly happened to him.  As his girlfriend I couldn’t worry less about him. Lunch time arrived and still no sight or news of Tao. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to know what was wrong.

I left school and made my way towards his house. I ran as fast as I could and once I arrived, I caught up with my breathing before knocking on the door. When I knocked, Tao’s mom appeared on the other side.

“Mei Lin? What are you doing here sweetie?” his mother greeted me with a troubled smile, fearing my presence. I sensed something bad coming.

“Hello Mrs. Huang. I haven’t seen Tao today. I called him so many times but he hasn’t picked up my calls. Do you know what happened?” I just hoped she would say that nothing had happened to him and that he was fine.

She sighed “Come in,” I entered and she closed the door behind her. I remained silent until we made our way to the living room. “Sit,” she said, as if preparing me for some bad news. I sat down and waited for her to explain what was happening. She took some seconds before speaking, “I thought Tao had told you about it,” she avoided my gaze and glanced to her hands in her lap.

“Tell me? Tell me about what?” I questioned as I had no clue what she was talking about.

“Honey, Tao left to South Korea,” she told, fearing the worst.

“What?” I frowned as I didn’t quietly understood what I had just heard.

“He left to South Korea.” she repeated with an apologetic tone.

 “B-but why? He didn’t even tell me about it. Why did he leave without saying anything? I don’t understand,” I repeatedly shook my head as thoughts started forming in my mind.

“Do you know that audition he did two weeks ago?” she asked me and I nodded. “He got accepted. Since he had to leave right away, he preferred to not say goodbye to anyone. He thought it would only hurt him and the others around him more if he went to say farewell. That’s why he probably didn’t tell you.” she got up and went to sit next to me.

She grabbed my hands in hers and caressed my cheek. “He did this so it wouldn’t hurt. I know he wanted to say goodbye to you, but maybe he did what was right. Maybe it was the right choice.” she said with her soft voice.

I couldn’t understand. It didn’t make any sense to me. I loved him so much and I was sure he loved me too, but … he left without a single word, like he had vanished with the wind. I was so shocked that I felt paralyzed. I wanted to cry but tears wouldn’t come out. I wanted to scream but my lips wouldn’t part. I wanted to go after him but I remained in the same spot.

“I should go.” I got up and contained my tears. I bowed and quickly left Mrs. Huang’s house, before she could say anything. I ran back to my house, as I didn’t want to go back to school. I didn’t felt like it in the moment. As I ran, my thoughts were too wrapped up that I couldn’t even think. Finally tears escaped my eyes. I stopped running and entered inside my house.

I closed the door and leaned against it. I cried harder and slid down the door as I took my hands to my hair and messed it up in frustration. How could he leave? He did this so it wouldn’t hurt but why did I feel like it hurt even more?

I went to my room and walked towards my bedside table. Above it there was a frame with a picture. In that picture there was me and Tao, adorably smiling for the photo while he back hugged me and rested his chin on my shoulder. I pulled it closer to my chest and hugged it tightly. How would I be able to support the pain every day? How would I be able to get used to not having him by my side? I simply wouldn’t …

And that was it, I called him almost every day and not even a single call he picked up. And finally the reencounter was held today. I so wanted to talk to him, to clarify everything and to be fine with him again, but I couldn’t accept the fact that he was back after two years away and not picking up my calls.

If you look at it, it looks selfish from him, thinking that his silent departure wouldn’t hurt him that much. But how about me? Did he think that not having said goodbye to him wouldn’t hurt much more if I had? If he did, then it didn’t seem like it.

When he left I wasn’t frustrated but now that I saw him for the first time in two years, I am. Even though I’m mad at him, I want to hug him, kiss him and spend time with him. I still love him with all my heart. He called me today already, but I didn’t pick up. I was still debating in whether to go and speak to him; or just ignore all his calls like how he did to me. But I’ve decided that I’ll got to his house tomorrow and be sure to leave the place with everything clarified and fine between us.

Please pray that everything will be fine, okay? I so want to have him back. I miss him and I miss us.

Thank you for hearing my troubled days and my problems. You’re the best, dear diary.

Goodnight.