I tighten my bow tie and glance at my reflection once again on the mirror. I look fine, but nothing close to happy. I look miserable and in pain. I exhale deeply and I can see the door behind me opened by my best friend, Youngbae. He walks closer to me and he pats the back of my shoulder.

“You still can cancel this and back to where you belong, Jiyong-ah.”

I shake my head, “This is where I belong, Youngbae-ya, don’t be silly.”

He exhales as deeply, “Fine, let’s go out, it’s starting anytime soon.”

I nod as I hold back the feeling to throw up. This is your choice, Jiyong-ah. I walk in front of him, out of the room to the hall. Everyone cheers as they see me and all I can do is fake a smile; I have mastered it for I have been doing it every time now.

I walk down the path heavily as I can feel myself sickening. This is your choice. I repeat the sentence in my mind millions of time like a spell, but still it’s not working. I reach the end of the path and I stand there anxiously. This is your choice.

Just then my bride shows up and everyone cheers again. She looks beautiful—I can’t deny it—but she’s not him. She’s not the one that I dreamed to marry, but still, it’s my choice. I don’t know if I chose correctly, but it was my choice.

She’s reaching the end; the place where I stand. I’m not waiting for you. I fake a smile again and I hold out my hand reaching hers. This is not the hand that I want to reach for. We stand side by side and we’re facing each other. She looks happy and bright, but still I wish that the one stands beside me now is someone else.

This is your choice. The priest starts the ceremony and I try my best to hold back the feeling to throw up. This is your choice. I fake a smile to my bride as I hold back my tears.

--

You clench your fist as you angrily push me away. Your eyes get watery and I know you’re going to cry, but I can’t run to hold you. I can only look down as you start shouting angrily at me.

“What is this all about?! We’ve been doing fine and we’ve agreed to date women just for publicity stunt, but now you’re getting married?! What’s wrong with you?!”

You grab me by my collar and you look me in the eyes, “You said you love me.”

I look up to you and you have already cried, “I never did. It was lie, a big lie.”

You loosen your grip on my collar and you stutter, “Liar, you love me.”

I close my eyes, holding back my tears, “It’s true, I never loved you.”

You let go of me and you fall on your knees, “What am I to you?”

I exhale, trying hard not to cry in front of you, “My dongsaeng.” You are my life.

“That’s all? I’m only a dongsaeng? Bull, no one make out with their dongsaeng.”

“It was all experimental,” I have become a liar; “I never loved you.” I love you and always will.

You start to cry and I swear I want to hold you, apologize for I have hurt you badly.

“What is this all about? I don’t get it.”

I lift you up and pull you into my embrace. My hand trails down your hair for the last time and I still trying not to cry, “Cry if you need to, Seunghyun-ah, but I can’t stay to watch you. That will be wrong when you know I never loved you.”

You cry your lungs out and I hug you tightly before I let you go. “I’m sorry” is all I can say. I walk away, not looking back to you, leaving you crying alone on the hallway. Do you know, Seunghyun-ah, I cry harder than you and my heart hurt as if I’m dying?

--

“Will you, Kwon Jiyong, take Kim Sora as your wife through-”

My mind is fully occupied about you, and I’m not a single bit focus to what the priest is saying. This is your choice, Jiyong-ah. I exhale deeply as the priest finish talking. This is your choice.

“I do.”

The priest is now talking to my bride and I couldn’t care less. My mind is full about you, and only you. I miss your cheerful presence around me, I miss your laugh, I miss your voice…I miss you.

“I do.”

I look up to my bride blankly, faking a smile again as I put a ring on her finger. This is not the hand that I want to put on ring to. I exhale again as my bride putting a ring on my finger.

“Now, you may kiss your bride.”

This is not you, but this is my choice. I look up to my bride and I lean closer to her, holding back all my pain. I press my lips against her and I almost burst out in tears. This is not your lips, yet I’m kissing it.

“Now I announce you as husband and wife.”

My eyes get watery and everyone who sees it will think that I’m tearing up from joy. Truth is I’m not a bit happy, instead I’m dying. I’m not sure whether I made a right choice and it’s killing me.

I grasp my now wife’s hand and we walk down the path together. I steal a glance to where you sit and I can see you smiling at me, but I know that we both are in pain. I grasp my wife’s hand tighter and fake an even brighter smile.

Please, Seunghyun-ah, forget about me and continue on without me. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try and see yourself through my eyes. I will always love you, and only you.

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