5.




It's Ryeowook who moves into a new apartment, the walls still smelling of fresh paint and the dust on the cupboards still non-existent. The bathroom is still alien to him, still uncharted territory, and he spends the rest of the morning sitting in the tub, the porcelain cold to the touch even with the presence of lukewarm water. The bed is a small, narrow space with clean sheets, no wrinkles, and it will stay that way every morning for once, because he'll fall asleep on the couch waiting for the phone to ring and someone else's voice filtering througgh the line, but it's a futile hope.

He'll have quiet dinners by himself, or maybe not. He'll end up cooking for more than one, and it's a pity because he's never eaten too much for himself either. He'll end up calling friends to come over, and it'll be comforting, entertaining for a while, at least until someone (Hankyung) feels the need to ask about how he's getting along, enjoying the single life, and isn't it great not to feel tied down by anything, but Ryeowook will only pick at his bulgogi and swallow the quiet retorts he's itching to let out, spiteful things that no one deserves.

It only gets worse when they talk about his ex and how he's okay, how he isn't as shaken up about the break up as Ryeowook is, and Ryeowook wants to scream and break something, anything, because Ryeowook has never claimed to be rational and forgiving and maybe he wants to be selfish, wants to know he isn't the only bitter one.

"You fell out of it," Hankyung says, smoothing his hair down consolingly, "you don't have to blame anyone for it."

Loneliness feels like a good look, sometimes, but mostly it doesn't befit him. It's the newness of things that gets to Ryeowook, but it's more of how quiet and lonely home is, now, and sometimes he'll smoke a pack here and there, as if desperate to fill the air with memories that never let him breathe; Kyuhyun stops coming over for a while, disgustedly yelling about how he didn't have to deal with this with you, I already have Hyungsik to avoid for this, but Ryeowook doesn't mind, not particularly. It's one less person to deal with.

There are some things he likes about the new arrangement. Isolation entails never having to argue over the remote with someone, never having to think about white lies and jealousy and wanting things neither of them could give, and he'll rejoice in that, at least. If he can't have love, he'll be spared from the afterwards. If he's changed, well, no one will notice, no one will call him out on him, the accusation more biting than it should be, and he'll be alone but happy, in his own sheltered, ignorant way. 
 

He learns to cope.