Between Her Th1rteen R3asons Why...

 

 

 

My head spun, the world blurring past me at an alarming rate. I was close to losing whatever dinner I had managed to force down the night before. That empty feeling clenched my stomach into a tight wad as I stared at her porcelain face, the tears slipping out of my eyes regardless of how tight I might squeeze them.

 

‘She’s gone…’ Those words echoed in my head as I stared at the finished wood, the same shade of dark mahogany as her hair. The man that ran the chapel, a small A-frame chapel in her hometown of Busan gently placed his hands on my shoulders, squeezing them tightly.

 

“I’m sorry, son, but she did tell me to give this to you…” A thin piece of paper, folded artfully into the shape of a heart was passed into my hands. I stared at it, not knowing what to do.

 

“There’s a small room in the back, go back there son, and read that note,” The kind old gent gave me a smile that never reached his eyes. 

 

I slowly stood numbly to my feet, my hands shaking like a troubled leaf in an autumn’s wind. I trudged slowly to the back, finding the room that he was talking about. I opened the door, assaulted by the pure scent of death, accompanied by the scent of mildew and harsh disinfectants. 

 

I leaned against the wall, running my fingers through my disheveled hair as a shaky breath escaped past my lips. I slowly opened the first section of the heart.

 

‘To my beloved fiancé, Kim Jonghyun’

 

Another tear slipped down my face.

 

Another piece of my broken heart slipping from my grasp.

 

Another memory of us together, laughing so freely.

 

Another step closer

 

~~~

 

Jonghyun, my beloved, I’m so sorry I can’t stay within the grasps of this world for much longer. Even now I can feel the world slipping past me as grains of sand would fall in an hourglass. And all I can say now is that I Love You… And I’m so sorry.

 

I can proudly scream to the world that I had the most amazing life I could have ever dreamed of, a perfect family, perfect friends, and you, my perfect fiancé.

 

As you continue to read this letter for you, know that I wrote this from deep within my heart. Being in that hospital room, it made me think. Would my life have been any better if I was normal? If I didn’t have this strange condition that left me gasping from just walking, with only two chambers in my heart than the natural four chambers… 

 

Would I still have been considered to be normal?

 

I think not, perhaps I may have been slightly needier than most people. I can’t help the way I was born. But I was glad I was born this way, it let the world know around me that I was special, to everyone. My parents, my friends… and you.

 

You were my shining star, you lit my world up like the sun during a new moon. I’m glad you came into my life when you did. 

 

I can’t dwell on my introduction much longer, I need to tell you the rest of my life, and how you made it so much better for me.

 

The thirteen reasons why my life was the best life I could ever have lived.

 

 

Reason Number One: Life was just better with you

 

 

When you came into my life all those years ago, I never realized we would get this far. It may have been only thirteen years for you… but it was a lifetime full of memories for me. 

 

From the day I met you, playing in the park with your toys, to the day you first kissed me on our prom night, you filled me with a sense of peace and security. I felt like a belonged.

 

I remember that day like it was the day I was born, so clear were the details, I remember looking at her beautiful carefree face, the dress she wore. Everything.

 

(Flashback)

 

“Sangri-ah!” The innocent hazel eyes turned to look at me, a dazzling smile lighting up her features as the door opened to reveal her slim form clad in a stunning silver halter dress. Her slim shoulders seemed to glow with the moonlight that came from the open door. The dress was backless, revealing large expanses of her creamy pale skin to other watchers.

 

My mouth probably hung open before a slender hand came up to click my jaw shut. Crimson crept its way up my neck, then to my cheeks. I couldn’t find my words. Damn it, why would now be the time to lose my footing on my suave words? 

 

I was speechless, and I won’t deny it.

 

I held my bouquet of roses out shyly, wondering, almost fearfully if she would accept it or not. Today was prom, and I cannot screw this up with her. Not at all. It was her night and I was here to make it worth living for and worth remembering in the afterlife.

 

She didn’t know that I knew about her condition.

 

She didn’t realize that I was trying my damned best to make her smile, make than smile light up right when I walk up to her. That dazzling smile that made my heart melt. 

 

She smiled at me, that cute Mona Lisa kind of smirk that she knew that I was having trouble with this. A tinkling laugh escaped her pink pouty lips as she accepted the roses. My mother always had rose bushes that over bloomed, I gave her a rose every day. It became to the point where she smelled faintly of roses, the scent following her wherever she went.

 

I looked at her slender frame again, thankful I bought a corsage of white lilies, a flower that could match any dress. I slid the corsage onto her wrist and led her outside where her parents stood waiting with the camera.

 

A number of shots had been taken before I looked down at her, her cheeks were flushed a rosy pink from the excitement that thrummed through her body. Her full lashes cast shadows across her high cheekbones and her pouty, pink, kissable lips were set in that beautiful heart stopping smile. 

 

I didn’t stop myself, I needed to kiss those god forsaken lips.

 

And I did.

 

Never before have I kissed anyone with such soft lips, or anyone that seemed so gentle. Her lips moved against mine like silk, so soft and warm. I could stand there and kiss her for forever.

 

Too bad forever doesn’t last, at least, not in my life.

 

(End)

 

Reason Number Two: Isolation was never a factor with you

 

You were the first to befriend me at school, and who would’ve thought? The school’s most infamous bad boy was friends with a sickly, frail girl who would end up dying soon enough.

 

I couldn’t have been more grateful, and we compensated each other anyway. You were my friend, and I helped you to pass your classes. It worked out perfectly. We had those study sessions, just sitting at a table at McDonalds and forever munching on those fries that you just love. I remember the day you ordered five large fries, and finished them all by the time we opened our books.

 

That was the day you asked me out, remember? You closed my book and held my hands in both of yours and asked me to say yes to the next question. When those words left your lips, I truly had no idea what to say, only your eyes compelled me to say yes.

 

And I’m glad I didn’t say no. That word was probably the best answer I could have ever given, and I thank you for asking me that question. If you didn’t, would we still be where we were today?

 

‘Yes,’ I thought quietly. I’d always loved Sangri; just something about her was so alluring from her pouty lips and her boyish hair that was silky to the touch. She never wore much makeup, and I always liked it left at that. 

 

Reason Number Three: Visualizing My life without you was so hard

 

I don’t think I could ever see my life without you somehow incorporated within it. The second I met you, I knew you were a keeper. You had that charm that made me fall head over heels in love with you, long before I ever realized it.

 

Imagining our lives, it’s like two strands of ribbons, wound so tightly together that if you cut one, you cut both. We needed each other like we would air to breathe or water to drink.

 

Best friends, that term seems so shallow now, doesn’t it? After all we’ve been through, I can proudly wear the name of being your fiancé. The day you proposed to me, it was so romantic. I never thought to hear those words ever in my life before it was my time. A mere three months before it was my time to leave this world. 

 

‘I would have asked you that question eventually, Sangri-ah, why not try and squeeze in a wedding before you died?’ I thought sullenly, my heart full of sorrow as the endless tears poured down my face, leaving salty tracks in their wake.

 

(Flashback)

 

We were walking through the park, through the rose garden as I gently pushed her wheel chair down the pavement. She had an IV that stood next to her on wheels, dripping in a liquid that made it easier to breathe for her. I felt the cool breeze waft through my light brown locks as I looked down at her face, full of amazement.

 

“This place is special to me, Sangri-ah, I come here to think when my mind is troubled,” I whispered to her lovingly, the velvet box that sat in my pocket seemed to be burning me through my suit jacket. I rolled her chair to a stop in front of the fountain, the statue of koi fish leaping out so majestically gave me the push of hope I needed. I knelt to the ground in front of her, her eyes widening fractionally as I pulled out the box.

 

“Sangri-ah, I want to be that man who can scream out to the world that I have the most amazing woman beside me, I want to be that man whose shoulder catches your tears. I want to be that guy who can pick you up and swing you around without a damn about what people think. I want to be able to scream to the world that I love this amazing girl next to me. Will you do me the honor of making me the happiest man in the entire universe and marry me?” 

 

Her eyes watered up as her hand flew to to choke back her sobs of joy. She looked at me with those tear stained eyes, her mascara slightly running down her lashes, making a dark tear splatter against her cheek. I wiped it away and looked into her blurry eyes.

 

She threw her arms around me, sobbing into my neck.

 

“Yes, Jjong, of course I’ll marry you! I will make you the happiest man in the universe! I’ll stand by your side until forever ends and make you the happiest man in the universe!” She choked out between her gasping sobs. I smiled, a tear of joy making its way down my cheek as I slid an eight karat diamond the size of mars onto her ring finger.

 

(End)

 

Instead of making me the happiest man in the world, you’re breaking my heart into a million pieces now, my beloved Sangri. When you said that you would stand by my side until forever ended, I knew you only meant a few months.

 

But that small slice of forever was the only thing I could ask for.

 

 

Reason Number Four: Eternal love lasts forever, right? Good, because I will continue to love you until the end of time.

 

 

True love transcends time, that’s the saying, right? Because I’m pretty sure that what we had was true love. I’ve never felt what I felt with you with anyone else. You were special to me; even my poor, frail mind could comprehend that. 

 

By the time you read this, I’ll probably have already passed into the void by now, but know this. I’ll always be watching over you, as your guardian angel of sorts. Even as I watch you fall in love with another, have kids, and have a family of your own, never forget that I’ll always love you and the ways that you helped my life.

 

You helped me make my life worth living for, you made me want to live each day as if it were my last, which I never knew would come so soon.

 

With us, our love will definitely transcend time, and until I see you again here, lying in my arms up in heaven, I will continue to wait for you, even if it means waiting for forever.

 

 

Reason Number Five: Loving you was easy

 

They always said that loving someone was never easy, especially if you choose the wrong one to fall for, basing the relationship shallowly and solely on appearance and the whatnot. Ours, we had chemistry. We could love each other freely and not care if the other had the ugliest hair in the world.

 

Our love ran deep, etching its way into my heart for forevermore. The sparks flew between us, and it couldn’t have been easier to love you. You made me feel whole again, and you made me feel like I was worth being pursued.

 

‘Because you were, Sangri-ah, you were worth a million of other pretty girls casting sultry stares in my direction but I picked You,’ I thought quietly, another tear slipping down my face as I folded down yet another section of the heart. 

 

It felt right to be wrapped in your arms on those cold days out on the bleachers. You never minded my wheelchair during my last few months in this world. You pushed it with the gentle care as if I were a child, so fragile and delicate. I’m sure you were scared I would just collapse at one point, right?

 

The love that bloomed between us was so sweet, so pure, and so beautiful. Nothing could have compared to it, not even the sun, or the millions of blazing stars and the great moon that sat high in the sky. Loving you was so easy for me, maybe because it was based from our previous friendship, huh?

 

Reason Number Six: After I found out I was going to die, you made sure I was Happy

 

 

When that doctor told me I only had four months to live out the rest of my life, I could see the look of hurt, the confusion and the complete and utter sadness within their depths. I felt so bad, to leave you so early on in our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

Regardless, those were the best four months I could have dreamed for. I always thought that I would stay at the hospital, staring at the blank ceiling while I had drugs and medicines pumped into me to sustain my failing heart.

 

But you made that change. I was discharged the day after I was told and you took me to Lotte World, remember? We rode the Viking ship so many times you ended up running to the nearest trashcan to spill out your guts into it. You should have listened and not eaten so much candy beforehand. I can’t help but to say that I Told You So.

 

Every day you brought me a rose, even if I went to the hospital for weekly checkups. You stood by my side as they took X-rays and drew blood. You held my hand as they poked the needle into me. You know how much I hate needles; they make me feel like a pin cushion. 

 

I’m just really thankful that you stood by my side during my last few moments, even now I know I won’t last much more, and I’ll be lucky if I survive through tomorrow. I can hear the doctors, they sound so sad and sympathetic. I was admitted in here due to the lack of oxygen that ran through me.

 

 I was having trouble breathing and I had frequent blackouts and massive migraines. They said that I might have a severed artery that is pouring blood in the wrong place. Internal bleeding, it’s fatal, but I suppose I have no other choice but to embrace it.

 

If there was a chance for me to survive, you know I would fight my damned best against this disease that seized me the moment I came into this world. But I know I have no hope left, only a peaceful calm that washes over me like a warm blanket, or the feeling of being wrapped in your arms. I think it’s an effect of one of the seventeen different drugs they’re pumping into me right now.

 

Promise me one thing, my love. Hold me during my last few moments; hold me in your warm arms as I breathe in my last breath, my dying breath. I want to look into your eyes as I leave this world. Promise me you won’t mourn my death so much, okay? You know that my heart will forever belong to you.

 

Just promise me those two things, and I’ll be content in heaven, waiting for your arrival, hopefully, in the future many years to come.

 

I clenched my fist, crinkling the tear soaked paper. I couldn’t fulfill her promises, the promises I made to her. I promised to hold her, and I promised not to mourn her death. Here I am, sitting in a dank room as my tears free flowed down my face in endless rivers as sobs wracked my body. I couldn’t hold her, I didn’t make it in time before they wheeled her into the emergency room to perform surgery to end her misery. It was the easiest way to die, but I knew it was not the way she wanted.

 

She would have wanted to breathe her last breath in my arms, her dying breath as she looked into my eyes, so full of love and devotion. I would have promised not to mourn her death, to find another young woman capable of stealing my heart away like she did.

 

In truth, no one could take her place, never. Even if Hell froze over and the oceans overcame this earth, only her name would be upon my lips, my love for her in my heart.

 

Nothing could change that. Not now, not ever. Her love was branded upon my heart with white hot letters.

 

I love you.

 

 

Reason Number Seven: Unique ways would be the only way you showed your love

 

 

You always had a unique way of showing how much you loved me. You would drop rose petals to create a path following me, making it look like the petals came from my being. You would go over the intercom at school and announce your undying love for me.

 

People always gave me weird stares in the hall, the whispers never ceased. Even now, I’m sure they’re still gossiping, except now it’ll be about my death, right? I’m sure some of the girls will be happy, now that you don’t have me, you’re back on the market, right?

 

‘You’re wrong, Sangri-ah, I was never on the market to begin with, I was always yours,’ I thought bitterly. The girls have already begun their flirtatious advances towards me. I was disgusted. Wearing short skirts and low tops with a hell of a lot of makeup would get you nowhere with me. In fact, even if I am a guy, I hated those things. I hated how girls showed off their body to get together with guys for mere hook ups.

 

I only looked for meaningful relationships, ones where I could truly show my feelings for my significant other. Sangri was that girl, for many years, even if I didn’t know it.

 

Remember how we had our rock that sat right between the boundaries of our backyards? How we would stargaze for hours and let out all the pent up emotions? You called it our bonding time, and I always laughed at you and your cute stories and the silly mistakes you always made.

 

For creating such a special moment and memory like the ones you made for me there, from our kisses to the tears shed, that rock was special to both of us in many ways. You can’t deny that fact, but now we must move on.

 

 

Reason Number Eight: God gave us two eyes to look, two ears to listen, two hands to touch, but only one heart. Why? Because we’re meant to look for the other half on our own.

 

 

I’ll admit to it. You were my other half, and I’m sure you felt the same way as I do now. You made me smile like no one else could, you made my spirits lift when I felt sad. You were always there for me, You, the school’s ultimate bad , Kim Jonghyun.

 

Soul mates would be an adequate wording, I suppose. It was like we were meant for each other; our hearts would beat as one when we were together. It was almost surreal the way you made me feel, like my life was a dream and I couldn’t find a way to wake up.

 

But I was too scared to wake up, to awaken from this wonderful dream where you were my world, my entire reason for being. Even if death were to separate us now, I know it is my time to leave and I shall embrace it.

 

‘You could have fought this, Sangri-ah, you could have gotten a heart transplant and could still be in my arms now. Not with me sitting on the ground of a damp room at your funeral, reading this note you left me,’ I thought resentfully, the tears never ceasing to stop falling. I would cry myself out, and then I would fulfill my promises to her. I won’t mourn her death like I so wanted to, I would always know she’s in my heart. My guardian angel. My Sangri. 

 

I suppose I was lucky, finding you so early on in my life. It saved me the trouble of looking, and that’s less stress to my short life.

 

Even if my life was short, it was great, and you can live happy knowing that I died with your name upon my lips as I stare into those damned lights I know I’ll have to face eventually.

 

And I’m sure you’re thinking why I didn’t get a heart transplant. I would never get one, ever. To kill another person and strip them of their living breath so that I might live? Even then, I might not have survived, and that alone is pure evil. To take the heart of someone else, to kill them so I could live… you know how I feel about that, honey. You know I would rather die than to have someone sacrifice themselves for me.

 

‘If only you knew that I signed up to be your heart donor from the beginning. If only you had accepted… I would rather not be here while you would be carefree and alive,’ I thought, my tears falling into my lap constantly. My jeans were soaked in my tears and I inhaled a shaky breath.

 

 

Reason Number Nine: Holding onto you was easy, however, letting you go is the hardest thing to do in my lifetime.

 

 

The feelings that grew between us flowed between us like water in a stream. It was calm, easy, and so comfortable. Letting you go is so hard, you would never understand it.

 

‘But I do, Sangri-ah, I do understand!’ My mind was threatening to split apart now; so many different mixed emotions ran through me right now. I was so mad at her, not accepting a transplant, so filled with sorrow that the bright flame of her being was extinguished just yesterday.

 

I can’t stop the tears that are now falling down my face as I write this. Even as I prepare myself to lose you, to lose my life, to lose everything I strived for in my short life, I won’t stop the tears that spring to my eyes when I think of you.

 

Will you be alright? Don’t mourn my death and beat yourself up over it, it isn’t your fault, and you know it. The heart monitor outside the clear glass that surrounds me is showing a slight change in my heart rate. I think I’m beginning to die a little bit more inside, Jonghyun. My heart is failing; no longer will it sustain my life, even with the numerous drugs that are pumped into my body as you read this. 

 

I’m facing the biggest challenge that I will live to see now, and it’s letting you go. I’ll try to make this a clean cut, but knowing you, it would be anything but a clean cut. It will be filled with tears, both mine and yours as well as this letter begins to come to a close.

 

I only have a limited amount of time before they take me to surgery. I’ll give you this letter right before I go in, okay? And if I can’t, I’ll be sure that someone gives it to you in my place.

 

 

Reason Number Ten: Life was the best thing I’ve ever gotten to experience, and I had you right there beside me the entire ride from the beginning to the end.

 

Life, what an amazing experience. Sure I experienced a lot of the downsides, but I would never want to go back in time to change my life. Maybe fix some of my mistakes, but never to actually re-write my life.

 

I would be too scared to. If I re-wrote my life, would you still be intertwined somewhere in there? Would I still have met you in the park so many years ago? Would I have fallen in love with you?

 

So many if’s in this life, but I’m glad I experienced THIS life because I know I’m special. I need more things, yes. I might be a little bit held back in some of my classes, yes. I might be frail and sickly and on the verge of death, yes. People don’t understand that life isn’t perfect. You WILL go through these things; you WILL get your heart broken or cry over a paper cut. But many of them won’t go through what I had to, or what many others like me had to go through. The bullying, the teasing, the isolation. 

 

My life was hard, I’ll admit it. To struggle against this unknown disease with which I was born, this horrible defect that sapped all my energy just to pump enough blood through my body. The doctors gave me five years to live, they told my mother after they found out directly after my birth. But here I am, nineteen years later, fourteen years I exceeded their predictions. I got to live through fourteen more precious years of life, thirteen of which I spent with you.

 

And those years were the best part of my life, my entire existence. 

 

 

Reason Number Eleven: Often when either of us had tears, the other would comfort, and I liked that about you.

 

 

You were so different from the other guys out there. When I ran to The Rock bawling my eyes out, you knew I was upset and dropped whatever you were doing to rush out to me. It didn’t matter what you were doing, you always made sure I was your first priority. 

 

You ditched some of your friends for me on a few occasions, but I’m sure they understood, right? They still had college with you, they might even find careers that would allow them to work with you. Me? I was to die in a mere four months. Surely they could spare just a little of your time with them so you could come to me.

 

I sound like such a lovesick brat now, letting my tears stain this page as they dribble down my face in fat drops. I can’t help them though, I feel it would be better to go ahead and let all my feelings out onto this sheet before I leave.

 

You would wrap me in your arms, like you would a child with a blanket. You would sit with me on the rock and let me cry my tears out until I ran dry. Then, usually by then I would have fallen asleep on your shoulder and you would carry me back to your house and wake up in your bed, remember? 

 

So many times I remember waking up in your bed, you would be asleep at your desk, probably falling asleep in the midst of homework. I can’t blame you though, it’s hard to keep focus on small things like that.

 

 

Reason Number Twelve: Vows of love mean you would love me forever, but I don’t want you to. I can vow though, I vow to love you until the end of time and forever ends.

 

 

My beloved Jonghyun. My love, my world, my everything. Please promise me that you’ll find someone else to replace my love, find someone capable of filling that hole of sorrow I know this is causing you. I’m so sorry that I’m causing you this pain now, I wish I could be there to comfort you and hold you.

 

‘You have no idea, Sangri-ah, you don’t have even a tiny speck of understanding about what I feel right now. I miss you so much, I miss your love, I miss being with you, your smile, your personality. Hell, I miss just your PRESENCE being right next to me. I’ve come to depend on you too much for my happiness and in one swift blow, you strip me of it,’ The thought resonated in my mind. She was my happiness, my everything. She was my world, the one I wanted to start a family with, the one I wanted to be my wife, the one I wanted to grow old with.

 

And in one swipe of life, she was ripped from my arms and sent to the heavens.

 

When you find another woman that captures your heart the way I did, then I will forever protect you from the harms and downfalls that come with love. I’ll watch over the both of you, ensure that you both stay faithful to each other and that this bond will last until death brings you to me. I won’t be greedy, I will let you have your choice. We can be friends in God’s land and you can continue your relationship with your mortal wife. Or you could be with me and maintain a blossoming relationship with your once mortal wife. You won’t have to choose, but if you do, those would be your options.

 

And now, we near my last reason.

 

 

Reason Number Thirteen: Everlasting love prevails through all consequences

 

 

Everlasting love prevails though all consequences in life and death alike. It transcends time and is unwavering through the years. That is what my love for you is, It is everlasting.

 

If my death is one of the consequences in which we must go through, then I shall see you in the future, many years after you read this letter hopefully. Live each day like it’ll be the day you’ll live. Live it to the fullest, life it for the both of us. Experience everything and cherish it with that sweet look on your face.

 

Create a lifetime of memories and share them with me when you arrive here in God’s land. There, our love will be everlasting, untouched by the time that goes on around us as we frolic in His fields of white lilies and through His many rose gardens, just like we used to.

 

We may not have had our wedding, the times with which we tried so hard to push in so that I might experience my own wedding, but I was happy and content with wearing the title of being your fiancé.

 

Missing my own wedding might have been a slightly sad thing, even as I watch my own heart rate continue to slow down to a sluggish pace right now as you finish reading this letter I wrote to you.

 

Now you have read the thirteen reasons why my life was the best thing I could have hoped for, but there’s one last thing I wish for you to do.

 

‘Anything, Sangri, I will do anything as your dying wish,’ I thought, as another tear slipped down my face to land on my jeans. I clenched the paper ever tighter, now completely unfolded in front of me.

 

Read the reasons that I listed above as you would an acrostic poem. Read those words and commit them to memory. 

 

I retraced my path through the reasons, looking at only the first letter of each reason.

 

 

Reason Number One: Life was just better with you

 

Reason Number Two: Isolation was never a factor with you

 

Reason Number Three: Visualizing My life without you was so hard

 

Reason Number Four: Eternal love lasts forever, right? Good, because I will continue to love you until the end of time.

 

Reason Number Five: Loving you was easy

 

Reason Number Six: After I found out I was going to die, you made sure I was Happy

 

Reason Number Seven: Unique ways would be the only way you showed your love

 

Reason Number Eight: God gave us two eyes to look, two ears to listen, two hands to touch, but only one heart. Why? Because we’re meant to look for the other half on our own.

 

Reason Number Nine: Holding onto you was easy, however, letting you go is the hardest thing to do in my lifetime.

 

Reason Number Ten: Life was the best thing I’ve ever gotten to experience, and I had you right there beside me the entire ride from the beginning to the end.

 

Reason Number Eleven: Often when either of us had tears, the other would comfort, and I liked that about you.

 

Reason Number Twelve: Vows of love mean you would love me forever, but I don’t want you to. I can vow though, I vow to love you until the end of time and forever ends. 

 

Reason Number Thirteen: Everlasting love prevails through all consequences

 

 

Live. Laugh. Love.

 

 

And a single tear fell down my face, my final tear as it landed on that paper, splattering her signature and joining a faded wet spot where her own tear had landed.

 

“How can I do this without you by my side?” I whisper into the cold, dark room. A warm pressure pressed against my temple. A kiss, but it couldn’t have been her, could it?

 

‘Everlasting love prevails all, my beloved, you can do this, and we will meet once again, my dearly loved Jonghyun.’