Stage lights have meant a lot of things in my life.  When I was young, they represented the dream that one day I would stand on a stage, with a spotlight focused on me and people eager to hear me perform in the crowd.  When I was a trainee, they became a source of fear and anticipation.  Sure, we were doing great in rehearsals and everything seemed like it was supposed to be exactly like this, but what if?  What if when we got on stage in front of all those people, I froze up or made a mistake – would I be able to deliver under the harsh brightness of those lights?  Once we debuted, the lights were the ultimate signal that I was no longer just Seunghyun, I was TOP, and I had to put on a show, regardless of how tired I was.  Now, years later, as we’ve largely shed our idol chains, the lights are a reminder that the many fans out there are watching us and cheering us on, though their ecstatic faces are hidden by the shine. 

While the lights have been both good and bad, I just realized that I always thought about them from the perspective of being the center of their attention.  I rarely considered their impact from the other side, what it’s like to be in the audience, seeing your favorite artist under their glare.  But thanks to a recent concert, I’ve come to appreciate those bright lights much more.  Well, thanks to a certain man at a recent concert. 

What those lights do, I barely have words to describe.  I was enjoying Daesungie’s concert mostly because I was just so proud of him.  He was doing it, headlining a solo concert, something he had wanted for so long.  But, to be honest, while I loved hearing his voice and watching his face, I couldn’t totally enjoy the concert because I understood maybe ten percent of it.  The fans were very responsive so that tipped me off many times, but this was a part of him that I wouldn’t know as well.  Still, he was doing so well, I was really happy to be able to be there with him and take it all in.

The crowd started to chant, so I knew it was time for the encore.  Daesung came out wearing multiples of his concert swag, he is such the consummate professional.  He knows that the success of these Japan shows will determine whether he can release a Korean album, so no doubt he thought to do this to drum up more interest.  He was singing his final song, flinging out items to the standing crowd one-by-one, when it happened. 

He took off his purple shirt, and the ladies all voiced a little disappointment because of course he was still wearing a white undershirt.  But for me, that was the moment.  His shirt was clinging to his chest and torso, soaked through with his sweat.  Because of the lights, it left very little to imagination.  That thin undershirt was virtually see through, and I found my mind immediately racing.  I didn’t need to imagine anything of course, but the way he looked excited me more than I thought possible.  How could someone look so innocent and completely sinful at the same time?  He was jumping around on stage, having the time of his life, celebrating the end of this amazing milestone, and all I could focus on was that white shirt.  All I could think about was how much I wanted him, with that shirt on and then, off…

“Hyung?”

A sweet, but sleepy voice interrupts my thoughts.

“What are you thinking about, is everything okay?  Your heart started to beat a little faster, were you having a nightmare?” Daesung asks, lifting his head from my chest and searching my face with worried, sleep-laden eyes.

This is my love.  Even in his exhaustion and nearly-comatose state, he is that attuned and concerned about me.  It almost makes me feel guilty for the thoughts running through my head about earlier this evening… almost.  I softly shake my head, pull him closer and lightly kiss the top of his head.  He deserves nothing but rest right now.  I can wait until the morning to figure out how to get him into and then out of that shirt again.