“Grant this mercy, O Lord, we beseech Thee, to Thy servant departed, that he may not receive in punishment the requital of his deeds who in desire did keep Thy will, and as the true faith here united him to the company of the faithful, so may Thy mercy unite him above to the choirs of angels. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.” The priest intoned as the coffin was slowly lowered into the muddy ground. A small crowd of people stood around the gravesite, dressed in black. They watched with teary eyes as dirt was scattered over the coffin. The large oak trees in the graveyard wept too as raindrops fell from the leaves and onto the ground.

 

Drip... Drip...Drip.

HanEul never wanted to hear the sound of dripping water again. It only brought back memories that refused to be forgotten.

Drip... Drip...Drip.

She stood in front of her father’s grave at his funeral, surrounded by people who thought they knew him. The sky was the color of smudged graphite, the clouds threatening to start pouring rain again at any second.

Drip...Drip...Drip.

HanEul’s slim fingers clenched into tight fists and her eyes were b with tears. One slipped out, then another, and she couldn’t help but remember.

 

*Flashback-10 years previously*

HanEul was 5, and her father towered over her menacingly, drunk and angry. She knew she needed to be in her room, but she was just so thirsty. HanEul thought that she could sneak into the kitchen for a quick glass of water, but her father caught her creeping down the hallway. Tears were running down her face as he leaned his head closer to her’s, his rancid breath in her face.

 

“What have I told you about coming out of your room?” He growled, and HanEul could smell the alcohol on his breath as he spoke. Even at 5 years old she knew that was bad news.

 

“I-I-I...” She started to sob, clearly afraid of what her father would do.

 

“I-I-I?” Her father mocked, “Oh shut up. I don’t want to hear your pathetic whining.” He grabbed her arm roughly and led her to a white door with strips of paint peeling off.

 

“You know what room this is, right?” She nodded fearfully, and he opened the door to reveal concrete stairs leading into darkness. He yanked her arm causing her to stumble towards the

basement.

 

“Daddy, please don’t make me go-” Her father grabbed her under both armpits and lifted her in the air, only to place her on the stop step before slamming the door in her face. It was pitch black in the basement, and HanEul heard a little click as her father locked the door behind him.

 

HanEul was hysterical, “Daddy? Daddy please let me out, I won’t be a bad girl anymore. I’m so sorry...” She sobbed, her little fists pounding on the door. She curled up in a ball on the top step, bawling. Eventually her sobs gave way to whimpers, and eventually even her whimpers grew silent. She sat there, rocking back and forth on the hard floor with her eyes squeezed shut in an attempt to forget about where she was. The only noise she could hear was the old, rusty pipes dripping water on the floor.

Drip...Drip...Drip.

That was the first time he locked her in the basement, but it wasn’t the last. Her father felt that it was a fitting punishment for HanEul every time she did something to piss him off, which was often.

 

HanEul hated it. She hated the suffocating darkness and the damp concrete floors. She hated how she could hear creatures scurry on four furry feet across the basement floor, occasionally even over her feet. She hated being tossed onto the top of the stairs and hearing the soft click that meant her father had locked her in, but she hated the creaking of the door as it opened when she could leave. The basement terrified her, but at least it meant that she didn’t have to be the victim of her father’s hate-filled glares.

Drip...Drip...Drip.

The rusty pipes were leaking constantly, and there wasn’t a moment while HanEul was in the basement that she heard them stop. Even when she wasn’t in the basement, when she heard water dripping she couldn’t help but to imagine herself back there. In fact, whenever rain was in the forecast she would lock herself in her room and hide under her blanket, earning herself another trip to the musty basement.

 

*Present*

 

Drip...Drip...Drip.

 

"May his soul and the souls of all the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace." The graveside ceremony was complete at the priest’s final words, and the small crowd around the freshly covered coffin started to disperse. HanEul stayed where she was, her eyes on the small green plaque on the ground. Her father’s death was sudden so there wasn’t time to get a headstone made before the funeral.

Drip...Drip...Drip.

 

Rest in peace? That man doesn’t deserve to rest in peace after the way he treated me. “May Thy mercy unite him above to the choirs of angels?” Please. He deserves to rot in Hell. That man is no angel. HanEul stared at the plaque angrily.

 

“Dear child, I sense... hatred in your heart.” HanEul turned around in shock to find the priest, an older man in his late 60’s or so, watching  her with gentle eyes.

 

“I-I don’t know what you are talking about.” She stuttered in surprise, earning her a small smile from the older man.

 

“You know... HanEul. I was the priest your father visited every week for his confession. HanEul gazed at him angrily, “Okay?”

 

The priest’s smile disappeared, “I know about the basement.”

 

HanEul’s eyes brimmed with angry tears at his words, “Y-you do?” He nodded, tears forming in his own eyes.

 

“I do. My child, if there was anything that your father regretted in his life, it was doing that to you.”

 

“I-I don’t understand.” HanEul whispered, “My father hated me. He liked locking me up in the basement with the rats and... and the leaky pipes. I was a bad kid anyway, I deserved it. It was my fault... It was my fault for making him angry all the time.”

 

The old man shook his head, “No HanEul. It was not your fault. It was purely your father’s choice to lock you in there. I know this may be hard for you, but you need to let go of your hate. He made bad choices but he was not a bad person.”

 

Drip...Drip...Drip.

 

HanEul’s eyes filled with rage at his words, “How can you say that? Were you the one who had to hide under her bed every night, hoping your father wouldn’t burst into her room drunk and angry? Were you the one who felt as though she was completely worthless every time she was thrown into that pitch-black basement? I felt as though I was alone, I felt that I was a mistake. My own father hated me.”

 

“I understand. I am not defending his actions, in fact I am disgusted by them. But, he apologized and I think it was sincere. You need to let go of your anger before it consumes you.”

 

“He never apologized to me.” HanEul whispered in shame. She knew the priest was right but she couldn’t find it in herself to forgive her father.

 

“He didn’t have the chance to. The night he died he was driving home from the church, where he spent a good hour with me trying to muster up the courage to apologize for everything he did to you.”

 

“But he didn’t make it home...” The priest nodded sadly, “He didn’t make it home.”

 

HanEul glanced upwards at the stormy sky.

 

Father? Is this true? I know you can’t hear me... and I know that you can’t answer me... but I don’t know what to think. I lived my life in fear of your anger, scared that you would lock me in the basement. I lived my life thinking that you hated me, and thinking that I was a mistake. I know it was hard for you after mom left, and that I was a living reminder of everything she did to you...I understand how you could have hated me. Is it true that you changed? Is it true that you were sorry?

 

HanEul lowered her eyes to see that the priest was gone. He must have left while I was thinking about my father...

 

Can...Can I forgive him? HanEul stared at the little green plaque marking the grave as her father’s. Do I have it in me to let go of all this anger and forgive my father? A tear slipped down her cheek.

 

Drip...Drip...Drip.

I suppose that I do. HanEul turned around and walked away from the grave, a weight lifted from her shoulders. Father, I forgive you...