A/N: I've been wanting to write a song fic about this song and that thought has been bugging me all day, to write something as a small celebration of sorts for N's birthday.

Well, here it is. I finally got this out of my system and can go work on my holiday assignments in peace now.

Word Count: 1,555 words

Enjoy! ^^
 

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30^th June 2013. It was the date for VIXX’s final broadcast on Inkigayo. Today’s performance stage would mark the end of our promotional cycle for HYDE and we would go into a short period of well-deserved rest before gearing up for our next comeback. It was also my birthday.

You were the first member, the only member, to send me a public message on Twitter. A simple line, ‘Happy birthday, my friend!’ sent at midnight and the fact that you’d chosen to stay up late, despite us all having a packed schedule the next day, just to wish me that and a wide, silly grin spread across my face as I laid in bed. The rest of the younger members wished me the same when they awoke the next day, but their words didn’t hold as much warmth as yours did.

The six of us were all drained of energy when we piled into our van. Marking the attendance of all the members off a mental checklist in my head, I climbed in last and settled down in my usual seat to the right of Jae Hwan in the middle row. As soon as the manager pulled our vehicle out of the parking lot of the SBS building the maknae knocked out at once, with Hong Bin following suit in rapid succession. They’d given their all for our recording today, and I couldn’t feel more proud of them. The interior of the car fell silent as we each fiddled with our own electronic devices and meddled with our own business.

You’d slung an arm over Jae Hwan’s shoulders so casually as though it was second nature to you. I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of bitter jealousy in my heart as I watched from the peripherals of my vision, sulking childishly in my seat. You were never this touchy with me when we were still together. You were always weary with showing affection towards me openly and would flinch as much as if I patted you on the back within the vicinity of a camera.

I will never forget when we were huddled together under a shared futon on the confines of the darkened living room, and with your tear-streaked face you turned towards me and raised the issue of separation. That I’d gotten arrogant and let fame get into my head and placed myself above all else, including you. That you needed some time alone, away from me and my suffocating self, to take a step back from your hectic idol life and simply breathe.  That you wanted to break up.

Fourteen months and seven days ago from today. That was when I first confessed to you and we became a couple. Fourteen months and seven days ago. It actually doesn’t seem like that long a time if you think about it seriously. But we couldn’t even last that long. We were over even before our ninth month anniversary.

We’d both fallen out of love with each other at some point. I was starting to garner popularity from the array of radio shows and MC stints I was doing. My time was split between being ferried from schedule to schedule, endless bouts of dance practice, and managing the overbearing presence of the younger ones. I no longer had time solely for you anymore.

You too, had just begun to take up composing and would spend hours with your earphones plugged in or in front of the piano in the practice studio scribbling into your notebook. Either that or you would be outdoors at a recreational park practicing soccer, slaving over recovering the skills that had rusted away when you laid down your sports career and opted for your singing one. In the critical time when we needed each other’s support and strength the most, we’d drifted apart instead.

We’ve both moved on since then. I have Won Shik now, and you’re with Jae Hwan.

Is he treating you right? He must be. It’s been so long since I’ve seen that angelic smile again. I took that away when I broke your heart, and it was Jae Hwan who managed to return it onto your face. I’ve always told you that you looked the prettiest when you smiled. I guess he tells you the same, doesn’t he? And we do mean it from the bottom of our hearts, as men who sincerely love and have loved you.

Honestly speaking, I’ve never looked at Won Shik the way I’d looked at you. Yes, I do love him, but it’s different. My heart beats different, our kisses are different, the feeling’s different. Because he’s not you. No matter how much I’ve moved on, you will always hold a special place and a special title in my heart. Always. You were my best friend, my closest confident, my first love. The one.

I think Won Shik knows that too. He knows that I would never be able to love him fully the way I loved you; that he would always be second best to you. Still, he doesn’t mind being second rate. He said just having me in the flesh was good enough for him and he was content. I guess this is a sign that I should hold on to him tight and never let him go, right? Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected to find someone as understanding and unwavering in his affections for me despite all that he’s seen me do, breaking hearts and acting like a royal jerk. He’s ideal for me.

Yet, at times as I lay next to Won Shik at night, my treacherous mind would think about the memories we’d forged when we were still together and recall each and every moment, reminisce each and every secret date. And sometimes, I would even cross the line of shaky and volatile friendship we’d managed to rebuild by wanting, yearning to have you back again. To be the one you lived, breathed and lit up a smile for. To be that source of happiness in your life.

How despicable of me. To lie by the side of one man yet desire for another at the same time. I can’t believe I’d just admitted it aloud. Very much like a typical primetime Korean TV drama, don’t you think? Unfortunately though, like the third party that I was I would never get a happy ending of my own. It’s like karma. Nothing good ever happens to the shrewd.

But deep down inside, I know that I can’t do it. No matter how much I fantasise, I couldn’t risk losing that smile from your face again. You’ve found your happiness in Jae Hwan. Who am I to steal it away from you? I’ve had you once. Selfishly I thought that you would stay with me forever and I took your love for granted. I took our love for granted. I didn’t cherish you enough when you were still by my side and now I’ve been forfeited the chance and the right to. It was Jae Hwan’s turn to take care of you now.

Jae Hwan dropped his head onto your shoulder and you raised your neck to accommodate him, allowing him to snuggle closer before you rested your chin atop his head. You sighed in bliss before closing your eyes and joined Jae Hwan in dreamland. Only two words came to mind – Picture perfect. The two of you looked perfect in each others’ arms. Much more than what we’ve ever looked together.

You would be happy, right?

You deserve that much and so much more, more than what I’ll ever be able to provide. Be happy, Taek Woon ah. If there’s one last thing I can ask of you for me that would be for you to be happy. Always, my love. Be happy for the both of us.

I felt a light squeeze on my shoulder and I tilted my head back to find Won Shik’s concerned gaze meeting mine, that look in his eyes solemnly asking if I was okay. I nodded my head before laying my hand over his and giving it a light squeeze. A simple gesture. I’m okay.

‘Grab some sleep,’ He mouthed, flitting his gaze over the other members who were knocked out in various positions – I was certain they were going to wake up with sore necks next morning – before finding mine again. ‘You must be tired.’

‘I will,’ I responded in the same silent manner and laced our fingers together, analysing our interlocked hands. It was something I’d never done before and I could tell that Won Shik was surprised by the sudden heightened level of skinship and he looked at me wearily.

Fingers slightly stubbier and not as bony, knuckles thicker and more pronounced. Palm meatier but skin softer to the touch. It was a different feeling I was going to get used to, but I will. It was time I erased your touch from my memory and replaced it with a new one. I was going to move on too. I wasn’t going to dwell in the past and lose another person I loved again. This was the start of my journey to happiness.

I smiled – a genuine one – and gave his warm hand a final squeeze before releasing it. “Thank you.”