Getting to Know Me

All my life I’ve worked hard to accomplish my goals. Well, at least I’ve tried to when the opportunity knocks on my door. The truth is that I can get things way too easily since I have the resources and abilities to achieve what I want. Of course, that might be kind of unfair when there are also those who try over and over and just can’t get a thing. I feel a little bad for those people but all I can do is to work as hard as I can, as a tribute for what I’ve got.

What I am talking about? Singing, dancing. Gosh!  I don’t know what I did to be born in a world where I can enjoy these two! And thankfully, I’ve always be so good at them! Since I was little, I always grabbed anything that could “work” as a microphone and started using my vocal cords at all my best. If I watched a music video I liked, I would immediately mimic the dance steps. However, not everything is as good as it comes. My parents didn’t appreciate my talents and always told me that I was too loud. It frustrated me big time since I expected recognition and admiration for what I could do and the things I was interested in. It wasn’t as if I was the type of person who would jump from party to party, get drunk or stoned. I loved arts for crying out loud! I went to parties occasionally and I only got drunk when I was depressed, but that was pretty much it.

So, yeah! The attention I needed and wanted?  I never got that from my family. The good part is, that even though that made me feel sad and a bit depressed, I was pretty optimistic. After all, I was part of a very wealthy Korean family living in San Francisco, California in the United States and as long as I let my parents work alone and didn’t disturb them or caused any trouble, I could use the money and do whatever I wanted to.

So, I did. I entered a dancing academy when I was ten, and also went to singing classes when I was thirteen, to learn any technique I needed to improve my voice, which fortunately was good by nature.

Oh, sorry! I forgot to introduce myself… I can be forgetful at times! I’m a girl and my name is Tiffany Hwang. I don’t do it professionally yet but I’m dancer and a singer with an undying love for Korean pop… Specially, anything related to SNSD/Girls’ Generation since their debut! I just love each and every single one of those goddesses! Well, at first, I would learn almost any song or choreography performed by “Goddess BoA”, as I enjoy calling her, and be happy just by doing that. Although, I did the same for the other Korean groups I liked, for instance, DBSK, Super Junior, and others. But then, when I turned 16, Girls’ Generation, my now favorite group, debuted. Since that moment, I couldn’t wait any longer, so, I decided to create some sort of a Korean Dancing Crew.

I can be a bit arrogant at times but not because I’m a bad person or believe superior than others, but due to the lack of attention I received my entire life. So yes, I was kind of selfish and it seemed I considered that the spotlight was just for me. There were other members who were like “my dancers”, because I had to be the main star in almost everything we did. Such a diva I was! Also, I was the best singer and the others didn’t do as good as I did but they were great dancers as well. However, they didn’t complain about anything since they just wanted recognition for being amazing dancers.  We did covers, recorded ourselves in some sort of a studio, we had good camera effects, did some cover music videos (where I was the one singing), dance versions with the original audio and live presentations in conventions, we made our own reality shows and so on, and most of it was paid by me.

We gained lots of fans! But I… I just had one thing in mind. I wanted to get acknowledged by SM Entertainment. I needed them to watch my videos and get their attention. I wished to become part of the company and being an idol. Alright… I know that company is known for draining the life out of their idols, for being too strict and oppressive and sometimes I heard people say things like “they fail in treating their idols as human beings”. Yet, I didn’t care. I know it also sounds like a fantasy and a typical fangirl wish, but I seriously need to reach that goal, it was not a whim, but the same feeling someone has when they want to become a doctor, an engineer or that sort of thing. I wanted to be an idol. I had the talent, the resources, I was Korean and I spoke the language.

So, why the hell not? Of course, my dreams reached higher… I actually wasn’t satisfied with the thought of being an idol, I wanted to be part of SNSD, but I knew it wasn’t a realistic yearning, so I just tried to keep it off of my mind.

Nevertheless, I held a little secret. Ever since I discovered SNSD, I couldn’t get my eyes off of Jessica Jung. Gosh! She was my inspiration and sinful delight! Everything I did was because of her. Her angel-like voice, her cute and y moves, her undying talent and unique personality were my inspiration. I didn’t even care lots of silly people hated her or thought she was too cold and looked like a fake and arrogant person. I didn’t think so at all. Maybe, I’m too biased, but for me, Jung Soo Yeon was just perfect, and also it seemed like we had a few things in common!

I wanted to meet Jessica so badly! And I would put all of my effort until I achieved that goal. It’s weird, but, do you know when you carry an overwhelming longing in your heart and feel so attracted to something as if it was meant for you and you just have to acknowledge it and reach for it? That’s how I felt about SNSD. It wasn’t an obsession. Yes, I loved them. But, I just knew deep inside of me that they were my future...