It’s been nearly a year since I saw you. Damn you’ve gotten so beautiful, though you were always perfect in my eyes. I see your hair blowing in the wind as you step off the train onto the busy platform, skimming the crowd for someone to come and get you. Your bags are nearly bursting at the seams. A year’s worth of luggage would be big after all. My heart skips a beat, then another, and another, till finally my legs regain feeling and I move towards you. You pick me out of the crowd the moment I move your way and you give me a huge smile, letting go of one of your bags to wave at me. Your eyes when you smile still make my heart flutter and quake and your dimple makes me bite my lip to hold back a smile. I pull my hands out of my pockets and pick you up spinning you around in a huge bear hug while you giggle in my ear tightening your arms around my neck. If only we could stay like this forever.

“Minho! It’s so good to see you! Thanks for picking me up” you smile again taking a deep breath in and letting it all out with a loud sigh “It’s so good to be back home” you spin around on the spot excitedly and your perfume swirls around me

“You still have the perfume I brought you?” you stop and giggle into your fist

“yeah well, I only use it on special occasions, so it lasted quite a while.” The smell of it brings back memories from when you were last here. All the places we would go to see, all the shops we would run around in, acting as if we owned them, throwing everything around like it didn’t even matter. The fun times. What happened to us noona?

“well it’s good to see my money was well spent” I smile warmly, lovingly, genuinely, still you see nothing but a friendly smile.

“any money spent on me is well spent” you tease and laugh holding your arms up in the air in a sort of “here I am” pose that I can’t help but laugh at.

“well where to now?” I ask, while my chest tightens knowing exactly where we’re going.

“hmmmm I want to see my taeminnie!” you clap your hands ad jump up and down on the spot squealing with excitement. Noona? What do you see in him? He’s just a reckless child I pikckup your bags and sigh, your brow furrows a little at me. I know you noticed how I felt.

“lets go then” we walk to my car while you rambled on about how your life was. To be honest noona I wasn’t paying attention to it. I was just thinking about you and my little brother. It still hurts you know?

Flashback.

“ah ouch!” you stumbled to the right and fell over onto the damp concrete. I ran to your side and bent down assessing your ankle.

“I think it’s twisted” you told me as you grasped my wrist as if there were no tomorrow.

“yeah it definitely is. I only live up the road. I’ll take you to my place and call your parents to pick you up okay?” the night was cold and you were shivering so I wrapped my blazer around you and pulled you up onto my back.

“haha this is fun, it’s like your my own personal chauffer” you giggled to me in my ear.

“your wish is my command my lady” I joked with you. You laughed some more and wrapped your arms around my neck resting your head on my shoulder.

“you smell nice”

“haha thanks, it’s actually a girls perfume. I just use it because it smells good” my cheeks reddened after telling you this but you didn’t seem to mind,

“can you get me one?” you asked me excitedly

“since we’re bestfriends, it’s only natural that we share everything right?” you turn your head a little to the side and I could feel you breath on my cheek.

“yeah I guess so” was all I could say. We finally got to my house and I carried you into the sitting room. Taemin was sitting in there finishing off his homework. He looked up at you and his face showed all sorts of confusion.

“she twisted her ankle,I’m just gonna call her mom, watch her alright? Make sure she doesn’t try to leave or run away” you laugh again as I put you down on the couch

“aneyeong taeminne” you and your excessive nicknames.

“aneyeong boa ssi” taemin blushed at stared at you in awe. I don’t blame him. I never should have left the room.

I hung up the phone after talking to your mother and walked back to the sitting room in high spirits.

“your mother said she’ll be here in twenty min-“ noona why? Why did I walk in on that? Why did you let him? Why didn’t you see my heart first?

I walked in to see him kissing you. Not only that, you were kissing him back. You held his face in your hands while he rested his hand on our thigh and you two shamelessly were kissing in front of me. I ran to my room and cried that night. You didn’t see me, neither did taemin, but I saw you. I punched my pillow as hard as I could and cried so much that night. You never even knew how I felt. After that day it was you and taemin and the bestfriend. Me.

We pull up to Taemin’s house and get out of the car. I unload your bags from the boot and hug you goodbye.

“Your not coming in?” you ask me innocently

“no, I see him all the time. It’s your time alone now” I fight back the tears and you seem to notice because you reach up for my face. I turn away avoiding your touch

“minho ah, are you mad at me?” your words are like daggers through me, because although I want to say yes, I can’t. Your happiness. The happiness you share with my brother. I refuse to tear it apart.

“im leaving boa, im going to the U.S to study. I won’t be back for a long time.” The only way we can both be happy is if I leave. I don’t want to go a day without you, but I will leave, so you and taemin can love freely and hopefully I can find something for myself. Your eyes fill to the brim with tears.

“minho ah-“ I kiss your lips for the first and last  time, shocking you and silencing you. I pull you in closer and wrap my arm around your waist while I cradle your face in my other hand, embracing the moment. Taking in everything. My lips battle for dominance over yours, you resist for a bit until you finally give in. My heart melted in that moment, and tears were welling up in my eyes. This is all I wanted noona, all I wanted was to love you like this. When I let go you slowly open your eyes, now pouring with tears.

“minho ah, kajima” you whisper to me barely audible.

“do you love me?” I your face again. I can see you battling with yourself.

“I do. You know I do!”

“more than him?” your eyes flash surprised and you open and close your mouth, looking for words to say till you finally hang your head.

“mianhae minho, i… i… I can’t answer that” your shoulders bounce up and down while you cry and I steadied them.

“Goodbye Boa” I kiss you lightly on the forehead and walk back to my car, my heart gets heavier with every step till I finally get in the car. Noona, i wish these are the last tears I cry secretly over you. This hurts. Looking at you one last time in the rearview mirror I drive away forever. This time goodbye really is the end.

Noona, you'll always be my first love.