I awake to a pang in my stomach, my hand sitting atop my belly in surprise. I let out a groan as my eyes flutter open, my gaze on a metal frame above me, guessing it was another bed.

I could vaguely recall the events from the night before, my headache over taking my mind.

Did Ravi really carry me back to my room? I sat up slowly, the sheets falling from my shoulders, with this comes a sudden coolness. I glance down and notice I was in my bra and underwear. I blush, grabbing at the sheets and pull them upwards to cover myself.

So it wasn’t a dream… How embarrassing. I get sick and have to have one of the men undress me and put me to bed on the first night! I can barely remember the conversation Ravi and I had as he tucked me in, so to speak, leaving me wondering what I had said.

I slid my feet over the edge of the bed, placing them on the cool floor. I notice the clothes placed on my desk and grab them.

As I stand up, I see my old dress is nowhere to be found, Ravi probably ridding of it and its blood stains.

I put the shirt around my shoulders, taking the time to button it up as I look into the mirror that hung on the back of the door.

It was significantly large on me. I was swimming in the fabric; it was almost falling off my shoulders even when done up. The bottom of the shirt hits my mid-thigh on my 5’2” frame.

My body does look frail… When did I become so weak. I notice how my knee caps protrude, the skin clinging to them in an almost disgusting manner. I begin to roll up the sleeves of the arms, taking note of  my thin wrists and hands, bones easily identifiable in them. I sigh.

I can answer my own question… The truth was, I was lucky to even be able to get a meal once every three days. It wasn’t like I didn’t have access, I just felt guilty taking it from someone who needed it more than I did.

I let out another sigh, trying my best to stop my mind from wandering over my disgustingly thin body. I grab the light blue pants Ravi had provided for me, stepping into them easily.

Once I pull the fabric upwards to my waist, I notice the way my hips stick out, almost visible through my pale skin. I feel tears prickle at my eyes, and swallow to stop myself from letting them fall, I do up the button on the front of the trousers, only to notice inches between the fabric and I.

How am I supposed to walk around in this… I can’t even fit into a pair of pants. I can’t even wear a proper shirt.

I scan the room noticing the garbage tin in the corner with my old dress in it. I walk towards it, the tears falling onto my hollow cheeks. I take it out and rip around the base of it, making a long thin piece. I chuck the rest of it in the tin, taking the newly ripped fragment and wrapping it through the belt loops of the sky blue trousers. I tie it tightly around my waist, leaving the knotted fabric to the side, the stray pieces hanging down to my mid-thigh.

I take a glance in the mirror one more time, brushing away my long wavy brown hair from my face. It wasn’t very shiny due to my lack of protein, and there is large circles under my eyes, only making my white skin more noticeable. I took another look by the door and notice a pair of white cotton sneakers, and as I slip them on I begin to notice how my tiny feet sat so awkwardly in them. This all made it feel as if I were playing dress up, like taking my Daddy’s or Big Brother’s clothes out of his closet… Something I yearned for.

I shook away my thoughts as more tears threaten to spill and open the door, stalking weakly towards the dining hall. I could smell something fresh and when I turn in the entrance, I feel my mouth salivate at the sight.

There was a mound of scrambled eggs in the middle, slices of more sweet bread and left over beef from last night on another tray. I walk towards the table, placing loads of it all onto my plate, my stomach getting the better of me.

“Taylor!” I hear a voice call and turn to see N waving towards me, motioning for me to take the seat across from him.

I move towards him, sliding into the chair and he immediately makes a scoffing sound.

“I don’t think so.” His fork moves to my plate and slides half of the large amount of helpings onto his own.

“What…?” I begin to question.

“Ravi told me what happened last night, your body isn’t used to such rich foods. You need to start slowly.” N’s voice was calm yet strong as he commands me.

That’s why I got sick. My face flushes as I make eye contact with him.

“He heard a crash from our room, so he went to see what it was and saw you there.”

“Where is he…?” I ask him.

N sniggers, “Still asleep, as per usual. He’ll probably be awake soon.”

I nod, keeping my eyes on him. “Does he remember what I said last night…?”

“He mentioned you asking about that weird scar on his shoulder blade.” N answers.

Did I actually ask him that? I remember his shirtless upper half but could not remember the conversation that ensued nor what the scar even looked like.

“I don’t… I don’t remember that…” I mutter under my breath as my face became red.

“Oh, well he got it during the decimation of VIXX…” N’s face hangs low for a moment as I notice melancholy cross in his eyes, something that seems unfamiliar to his features.

I nod silently, my eye’s looking down to my plate.

“Yeah,” I speak, “I remember that day… it was the worst day of my life, well I’m sure it was for many others.”

With my head tilt downwards, I notice N shift forward in his seat, his hand reaching out to cup my chin, lifting my face to look at him, a small grin playing on his lips.

“You’re not the only one, we’ve all suffered… But we’ll try to find something for you.”

I let a smirk form on my face as he takes his hand away, his eyes encouraging as he pats the top of my hair.

“I understand… I just wish my real parents had been there afterwards to comfort me,” I breathe out in a raspy voice, a few tears forming in my eyes, “but now all I remember of them is when I went back in that building and found them… both laying there. But luckily the boy I bit followed me back.”

I stop and my hand lifts to my face to wipe away the tears that had fallen onto my cheeks before finishing my story.

“I only knew that boy for a week, and even then he became like my big brother…” I chuckle at this notion, more tears spilling from my eyes at the memory of this boy comforting me.

“What part of VIXX were you in again, like what prefecture…?” N asks, his brows furrowing in confusion.

“Central City.” I whisper.

I look up to him as a silence falls around us, his eye searching the table for some invisible object.

“Your real parents died in Central City that day, and you –“ He cuts himself off and looks up at me from the table.

“Taylor…? You’re the one who bit Ravi… That’s what his scar is from.”

My eyes widen in shock as N’s features become soft, his eyes holding a somewhat happy gleam.

My brain tries to comprehend N’s words, rushing back to that fateful day. The memory of a young boy picking me up, my head resting on his shoulder as I screamed, trying to fight my way back to my parents. My small mouth digging into his shoulder to escape to my Mom and Dad, and as I ran his footsteps following me, trying to keep me away from it all.

My mind flashes the image of my parents bludgeoned bodies that lay in our small living room, the last I would ever see of them and as a three year old me began to screech in fear, tears spilling onto my puffy cheeks, a young boys arms wrapped around me, picking me up and taking me away from the scene.

The same boy brought me to a group of six boys who cared for me for a week, who comforted me every time I cried. The boy who carried me when I fell and hurt myself. The boy who sang me to sleep every night for a week. My big brother.

My mind suddenly brought back the images from last night, my ears finally able to recognize the familiar tune he hummed. I was finally able to put my finger on how familiar they had all been… but at this point, there was one thing I needed. I needed to find my big brother.  

I jolt up from the table, N watching me with intensity, his features holding a quizzical expression. I turn, stumbling slightly on the legs of the chair I was seated in, making my way to the door of the dining hall. As I stagger through it, still weak from the nutrients lost the night before, I begin to walk towards Ravi and N’s room, my pace quickening the closer I got to their door.

Tears cloud my vision, my mouth up turned as I fumble with the door handle, pushing it open, only to realize the room held no one. I breathe out uneasily as I turn around, trying to think of another place he could be.

If he’s just woken up, he could be in the bathroom.

I run quickly down the hallway towards the bathroom doors, and hearing a sink’s running water inside, with tears still blurring my vision, I open the door to see Ravi bent over the sink, his toothbrush in hand, slowly lifting to his lips. I scan his toned back, my eyes stopping on the small crescent shaped scar left from me, marking him perfectly on the top of his shoulder blade.

Not being able to control my emotions any longer, I run towards him, crashing against his back, my arms wrapping around his stomach, my fingers trying to cling at his skin. My face buries into his back as I let out a sob.

I hear an odd choking while this is happening, and then a coughing following with Ravi’s deep voice.

“What’re you doing?! Ahh, stop pinching me, your nails are really long!”

I dig my nails further into his abs and I try to speak through my sobs, “You’re.. *hiccup* big bro *hiccup* … you’re -“

I keep my arms tightened around his stomach and waist, and turn my face upwards to notice his hands flailing in confusion, his toothbrush still covered in paste.

"Stop, stop, stop! I can't understand what you're trying to tell me!"

Unable to find a better way to express myself, I bite the bottom of his shoulder blade hard and he shrieks in a very unmanly fashion.

"Ow! Taylor, you bit me! Wait... Taylor?!" Ravi spins around to look at me. "Taylor!"

I look up at him, my sobs still escaping my trembling lips.

He cups my face with both of his hands, staring into my grey eyes as I fight back tears.

“It’s really you?”

He laughs whole heartedly at my tiny nod and pulls me into an embrace, lifting my feet off the ground as he spins lightly.

My arms snake around his neck as he does so, tears coming into contact with his skin.

As he plops me down, he begins to wipe the tears away with his hands, begging me to stop my waterworks.

“You know, you were a lot fatter when we left you.” Ravi sniggers, his smile lingers in his eyes.

“Thanks.” I answer flatly, and I turn my head, my mouth coming close to the hand that was on my cheek and I try to nip at it.

He laughs, pushing me back lightly, waving his hands in my face.

I giggle, whispering another question, “Where are the others?”

He chuckles again while placing his hand on my shoulder, “We’ll get to that, but you need to eat first… And I should probably get a shirt.”

~*~*~

Soon enough, Ravi and I had made our way from the bathroom to the dining hall, whilst stopping to grab him a shirt.

I smile at the fondness of it all, seeing how my escape two days ago had brought me to some happiness. It brought me to someone I consider my big brother, and four other men who once took care of me as boys. Hyuk was the same age, found at the same time, someone who was babied just like I but chosen to live a harder lifestyle in the end.

I step into the dining hall, all of the boys sitting round one familiar table. I stop dead in my tracks to drink them all in, marvelling at the changes their faces and bodies have made over the years. Ravi nudges me from behind, urging me to step forward.

“I’ll get you your food, got to make sure you don’t puke again tonight.” He chuckles at my red face and I begin to travel towards the table, the five men turning their heads to watch me. N’s face no longer confused, smiles, welcoming me to the table.

Taking a seat across from Ken, I take a moment to smile at him before letting my tears fall again.

His mouth pops open in shock, wondering if he has done something wrong, he drops his fork to the table. “Are you okay?” He asks.

I nod, bringing my hand to my face to wipe away the tears on my cheek.

Ravi quickly takes a seat next to me with a grin across his face, his eyes bouncing from me to the boys sitting with us.

Leo was eyeing me in surprise as my tears began to vanish.

“Guys… It’s Taylor.”

Ravi speaks my name differently this time, a tone not heard before. Almost a tone of guilt as all of the men, except N, perk their heads to look at both of us.

“Don’t make jokes like that…” Leo mumbles, staring at my face as the other member’s eye me in shock.

N moves his eyes to Leo, shaking his head, “It’s not a joke.”

He finally looks at me and his eyes are filling with a happiness I had not seen since arriving here.

I smile back at him, the boys all guffawing at the situation at hand.

“But… How? What about the doctors we gave you too?” Hongbin pipes up excitedly, Leo keeping his eyes locked on me.

I look over at him, my smile fading for a moment.

“Mom and Dad… well, they looked after me ever since you brought me to them the week after the decimation. And after you guys stopped visiting when I was five… working to provide food for the three of us became a top priority… But in the end, they both died from diseases…”

My eyes flit across all of them, noticing their momentary silence as they mourned their lives.

“They did the best they could, they were really amazing… I wouldn’t have become a medic to begin with if it weren’t for them.” I add, hoping to stir up the mood.

I notice their moods lighten and that’s when my thoughts get the best of me.

How could they have just left me fifteen years ago? No visits, no letters, not a single word for fifteen years after being so incredibly close. Everyone thought that they had died, and in the end it left me with no hope of ever seeing them again.

I look over to Ravi who sits beside me, I lift my arm and smack him across the back of the head, an angry look taking over my features. The boys all look at me in surprise and I take a second to glare and each and every one of them.

“That’s for just abandoning me fifteen years ago… I was five and you all just left without a trace. Do you know how alone I felt after?”

Ravi, whose hand was rubbing the spot I left on the back of his head, eyes me unhappily.

N pipes up, giving me an answer.

“We had too… We wouldn’t be here if we didn’t leave. The rebellion wouldn’t be so ever present… ROVIXX wouldn’t even be real.”

I let my eyes fall to the floor as N continues, finally giving me the answers I need.

“ROVIXX, our armour, protects the VIXX district, and any other district who asks. We’re one of the most important divisions in this, we can’t just give it up. Everyone else is counting on us.”

I look up and notice the boys watching N as he finishes his speech.

“No matter what, we protect, not destroy. People are what’s important, not just winning… We need to restore the lives that were once lost.”

N’s face becomes hard as he pushes the empty plate away from him, Ken, who is seated beside him, grabs his shoulder, nodding in agreement at his statements.

Other divisions, armour, hideaways… How could this go by all unnoticed? How could one not hear of the things these marvelous boys were doing? Then again… how could I not be helping.

The boys begin to chat amongst themselves once more, trying to create a calm mood finally. I kept quiet, arguing with myself in my head.

There had to be a way that I could help… I couldn’t let the boys that I knew as a child do this alone, especially if they ever get themselves killed, that would be too much to bear. I let my mind speak for itself.

“I want to help.”

There is a silence, the boys all looking at me in surprise. Ravi, who had been eating, puts his fork down and looks at me quizzically, his mouth parts as he begins to speak.

“I just got my ‘little sister’ back…It’s dangerous, you can’t just de-“

“If it’s dangerous for all of you, then I can’t sit by and watch you rebuild a place th-“

I’m interupted by Leo’s commanding voice.

“No.”

I look at him, my face becoming red, ready to glare at him when I notice softness in his eyes.

“Well… I’m not giving you a choice. I won’t take your food and do nothing… It’s what was happening in VIXX.”

N looks me up and down once, his hands on the table.

“No, Taylor, you’re too weak and –“

I don’t let him finish, letting out another line without thinking it over first.

“Well, if you say no, I’ll just starve. I won’t take something I don’t earn.”

N his bottom lip quickly, letting another stone like expression take over his features.

I notice Leo do the same, his bottom lip tugged into his mouth as he shifts his eyes away from me.

“You were a medic, right? I can tutor you, that way you can help.”

My eyes move to Hongbin, his smile clear and his eyes sparkling.

“I’m a field medic, I can train you, that way I can save more of my time for combat training... All I have to do is get some books from the people downstairs.”

His words are clear, N making eye contact with him to understand his meaning. I see N nod, Hongbin smiles as it looks like he takes a mental note of something.

Ken glances at Hongbin as well, running with his idea.

“I’ll teach you the basics of computers, we could always use a couple of extra techies around here anyways.”

His smile is sweet, his face easy to understand and trust.

A smile spreads across my face as a new understanding settles upon us. My gaze travels to my plate, the small portions on it enough to make me happy. I spoon a few scrambled eggs into my salivating mouth, still not used to the overwhelming smells.

Tomorrow would be a new beginning, I would finally be able to help. I keep feeding myself, wondering of what the oncoming days would bring.