When the world turns dark

And the rain quietly falls

Everything is still

Even today, without a doubt

I can’t get out of it

I can’t get out from the thoughts of you

Youngjae watched the raindrops stab the side walk, just like the dagger stabbing his heart. He pressed his head further into the pillow. He was drowning in his scent. His scent that seemed to linger despite how long he’d been gone. Youngjae let out a silent cry as his mind drifted to old memories. The happy ones. Youngjae remembered all the kisses he’d showered the other male in. He remembered all the hugs they’d shared. Youngjae could almost feel the other male’s arms wrapping around him. Youngjae tried to push the thoughts away but they swallowed his entire being, swearing to never let him free.

Now

I know that it’s the end

I know that it’s all just foolishness

Now I know that it’s not true

I am just disappointed in myself for

Not being able to get a hold of you because of that pride

Youngjae frowned when his mind brought back the memory he’d hated. The memory he’d tried to forget. He watched as the memory played like a movie on the back of his eye lids. Daehyun nervously stumbled towards his table. He’d only noticed because his friends were all howling with laughter and mocking the ‘masked loner’. Youngjae cowered as Daehyun got closer. “He cannot be serious. I told him not to come here.”. His heart dropped when he saw Daehyun pull his mask down and repeatedly open & closed his mouth as though he was unsure of his voice. A lump formed in his throat when Daehyun asked whether he could sit with them, the ‘popular’ kids. Youngjae kept silent as his friends spat a slew of harsh words at Daehyun. He watched as Daehyun’s eyes began to water. Their eyes met and Daehyun was silently begging him to help but he had too much pride. Instead, he did the worst thing he could have ever done to Daehyun. He knew about Daehyun’s life yet he had still done it. “What makes you think you can sit with us? Look at us and then look at yourself. Nobody wants to be friends with some tattooed freak.”. Youngjae tried to contain his tears as Daehyun gaped at him. His friends were patting him on the back for what he had done but all of their hands felt like knives instead. He couldn’t believe he had actually done it. He’d actually used Daehyun’s defense mechanism against him when he used to tell him how beautiful they looked on his body.

On the rainy days you come and find me

Torturing me through the night

When the rain starts to stop, you follow

Slowly, little by little, you will stop as well

Youngjae whimpered into the pillow as even more memories rushed back to torture him. He felt like he was suffocating. His eyes shot open and the tears began falling like the rain. Youngjae clenched his fists as he soaked in the happy memories that were so painful now. Daehyun let out an uncharacteristic giggle as he felt the rain pad on his fingers. He stretched his arm even further out the window and grinned when he felt the cool water wash away all his pain. Youngjae watched him as he smiled and laughed. It was the happiest he’d ever seen him. 

I must be drunk, I think I need to stop drinking

Since the rain is falling, I think I might fall as well

Well this doesn’t mean that I miss you, no it doesn’t mean that

It just means that the time we had together was a bit sharp

When it’s the type of day that you really liked

I keep opening the raw memories of you

Making the excuse that it’s all memories, I take a step forward

I don’t even make the effort to escape

Youngjae turned his head away from the window and stared down at his floor. Cans & bottles were strewn everywhere, photographs of his happiest times torn and thrown around. He sunk himself further into the soft silk sheets of the bed and cursed at his mind to stop. Youngjae’s head throbbed as even more memories gushed into his mind as though the floodgates were opened. He felt like he had a raw wound. He felt like he was drained of his soul. Youngjae let himself go and he closed his eyes as the memories played endlessly. There was no way to escape.

Now

I erased all of you

I emptied out all of you

But when the rain falls again

All the memories of you I hid with effort

It all comes back, it must be looking for you

Youngjae opened his eyes once more. He stared at the calendar sitting on his desk and his eyes scanned the days. He hadn’t had thoughts about Daehyun for awhile now that all of it felt so new. Summer was up which meant he had to let go of his freedom. The memories were cuffed to him whenever it rained. Maybe if he just tried harder, they’d go away.

Now there is no path for me to return

But looking at your happy face

I will still try to laugh since I was the one

Without the strength to stop you

Youngjae’s fingers traced over the picture in his hand and he’d managed to let a small smile play on his lips. They looked so happy. Youngjae could remember the day they’d taken the picture. It was Daehyun’s birthday and it was the first birthday he’d actually celebrated. Youngjae bought him all sorts of food and they just spent the day in each other’s arms as Youngjae sang for Daehyun. Youngjae’s eyes fell to another picture sitting next to his hand. It was of him and his old friends, the ones who had beaten Daehyun up with no mercy. Were they really friends? Youngjae looked at the date printed at the bottom and a little part of him died. How could he have smiled so widely when he had let Daehyun slip through his grip that day? He let Daehyun run from him and he hadn’t gone after him. How did he have the gall to even smile when Daehyun had told him he didn’t want to live anymore?

What can I do about something that already ended?

I’m just regretting after like the stupid fool I am

Rain always falls so it will repeat again

When it stops, that’s when I will stop as well

Youngjae laughed at himself and his thoughts. He really was pathetic. “What’s the point of running after something that’s gone?”. Youngjae threw the pictures down on the ground and turned back to the window. He felt like this now but he knew it would all be gone when the rain stopped. He would forget everything when the rain stopped so what’s the point of trying to stop it now? He felt back onto the sheets on his back and let himself be carried away by the memories. That’s what Daehyun would have wanted. He would have wanted him to feel the pain he had gone through. Youngjae succumbed to the pain of the memories and let more come to him. He let his tears fall freely and stain the crisp white pillows. It was only temporary right? The rain was temporary. So were his feelings.