The day when I met her was one of the best day that happens in my life. Maybe, that was indeed the best they ever.

It was a sunny afternoon when our president calls us for a sudden meeting. I was annoyed at first, who wouldn’t be? I’m playing w/ my hyungs, or should I say, I’m making fun of my hyung. Junsu hyung to be exact, I was teasing him that Chunnie is mine now, his face was all red, not because of embarrassment, but because of crying, he’s yelling at me, saying that ‘Yah!chunnie is only mine! Mine!’ while chasing me. It was indeed a very fun moment ‘for me’, but it was cut because of our ‘president’. Why call for a meeting when it was our spare time? Its not always that we can play like this. How can he disturb my moment w/ my hyungs? Ahh! Really! This is killing me.

When we're already at our company, my mood is still not good. Junsu-hyung is always watching over me, trying to make me laugh, but that’s none sense, his unbearable jokes are pissing me off right now, and I know that he realize it so he stops bothering me. The moment we open the president’s door I was a little bit mesmerize by the beauty that I’m seeing, is it real? Is she real? Or its just my imagination, I’m really going crazy now. We all sit at the couch near the president’s table, so there she is sitting across us. So its not an imagination, she’s a real human because I saw her move her hands.

The president look at us, then he look at the girl, she then stares at our president.

‘I’ve told you before, that I’ll still produce some groups next to dbsk, super junior and girls generation, but it’s the first time that I’ll be hiring a girl from China, so I want you boys to help me, your ages is quite close so I decided that I’ll choose your group to take care of her.’

I looked at her, she was still staring at our president w/ a serious face, then she looked in my way she stared at me and gave me a smile.

‘Hello~ I’m Song Qian, nice to meet all of you!’ she said with a bow. I think I skipped some of my heartbeat, why does she affect me this much? What is it in her that’s making me crazy every time our eyes met?

There’s a lot of random thoughts in my mind when I felt that junsu-hyung is kicking my shoe. I looked at him, then he is motioning me something but I can’t understand. Then I heard her laugh.

‘Yah! Changmin-ahh..how long are you trying to hold my hand?’ she asked with a teasing tone.

Am I really holding her hand? I looked at my hands, and there they are, holding her beautiful hands. I immediately removed it and stared at her. She’s still laughing at me. How embarrassing. My other hyungs are also laughing, so I decided to laugh at myself, thinking that it was the best way to regain my composure. But I was wrong, I looked so stupid. Without any hesitation I leave the room.

I’m so stupid! Why today? When she’s there?

I was about to punch the wall when a soft hand touches mine. I was surprise that it was her, staring at me with a warm smile on her face.

‘Don’t worry about what happened. Ok? Its ok. Ok?’ She said in english, I can understand it because it was some simple English, but somewhat it makes me laugh, maybe the way she said it. She saw me laughing so she pouted at me. How cute, awhile ago, she was pretty now she’s cute.

That’s how our relationship started. And it gets deeper as time goes by.

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‘Yah! Changminnie! I miss you so much!’ I heard her say as I walk closer to her at the airport, we stayed at japan for a year, that’s when I heard that another group from our company debuted, but she’s not one of them because it’s an all boy group. I hugged her as I reach her, I miss her so much too, more than she misses me, this felt everything to me, but my beautiful remedy all this year is scattered when I saw the man standing at her back. One of my closest friend in our company, but why does I felt pain seeing him w/ her? Its Kyuhyun, I can say that he is my best buddy in SME, but seeing him today makes me jealous, too jealous that I can’t even give him a smile.

‘Yah! Long time no see! We miss you! Congratulations to your career in Japan!’ he tapped my shoulder, that’s when Qian let go of my hug, she gave way for the two of us. I hugged my friend, Kyuhyun, but this doesn’t feel good. It feels hell, my heart was hurting too much, too much that I want to let go at this hug. He may be felt it, so he let go at me immediately but still, he smiled at me right after that. I just answered him back w/ a forced smile, well I hope that he didn’t realize it..

A year ago, after knowing that we’ll be leaving Korea and we’ll stay in Japan for a long time, I asked my best friend to take care of her, My Qian, but my biggest mistake is that I didn’t tell him what I really felt for her. So after some quite long month, I was in the phone w/ him when he ask me, Changmin-ah, do love her? I felt uneasy w/ his question that makes me deny my real feelings towards her, and that was the biggest mistake that I ever did when I heard his confession, I felt that my heart was crushed 100 times. Really? I felt relieve, you know, I love her. Now I know why you care for her this much. Thank you, thank you for giving me a chance to know her better. I was froze in my place right that time, then I felt some tears falls from my eyes, why am I so stupid? After giving my best friend the right to take care of her, I even deny my feelings. What will happen to me now is Qian find herself in love with Kyuhyun? This hurts me so much.

I get back w/ the reality when I felt her hands clinging in my arms, right that time I felt happy, but it disappeared immediately when I saw Kyuhyun on the other side, she’s also clinging her hands on his arms, I saw him smiling, maybe he’s feeling the same thing that I’m feeling awhile ago. How can I make my best friend my rival? How can I hate my best friend?

This feeling hurts more than everything. I can’t love her now, because I might hurt my best friend, but what about my feelings? Who will consider my feelings? Who will think that I might be hurt? No one, because I made this, I’m the one who send her to my best friend, I’m the one who did not confess to her right that moment, and I’m the one who denied my true feeling for her. So why am I acting as if I’m the victim when I actually made this thing? Stupid! Stupid Changmin! Your really stupid!

‘Hey, you seem spacing out since you come back, aren’t you feeling well?’ Qian ask me w/ a worried face, I shook my head and just smiled at her. I cant speak, cause speaking might break me into crying, this hard feeling that I felt since I saw her w/ kyuhyun, it might burst anytime, so I just remain silent to prevent that to happen.

I heard them chit chatting happily, they sometimes include me w/ their topic, but it seems like its only made for the two of them, so I didn’t bother to intrude. They look so good together, but then again, a hard feeling hit my heart, and it seems that I cant do anything about it, so I excuse myself and went in the comfort room. That’s when I burst into crying, how can I cry like this? I’m a man, I shouldn’t be crying, but I cant help it, it hurts so much that its too impossible to bear.

That day ended w/o them noticing what really happened to me. But I’m glad that they didn’t notice it, it’s a lot better if they didn’t know anything, besides, I don’t want to worry the two important person in my life.

The days seem so fast, now, they are debuting, I’m very happy for her, she’s been waiting for this moment for a very long time, I know that it was her dream, to be a singer/dancer and to be known. And now is the right time for her to shine like what we all did, its her time now. I was too excited for her debuting, not realizing the unknown negative aura in our dorm, my hyungs aren’t speaking that much, and they seem have a fight. Just as I’m thinking of them, junsu hyung came to me.

‘Changmin-ah, you also want to be free right? So come w/ us~’ his words was suddenly cut when Yunho-hyung appear.

‘Yah! Don’t involve them in your decisions, its not like we all want it! do it by yourself, don’t involve us, we don’t want to ruined what we’ve earn since that year, I don’t want to put that on waste!’ Yunho-hyung said, w/ too much anger,

‘But hyung, i~’ junsu-hyung didn’t got a chance to speak because yunho hyung shut the door in my room. right then I saw him crying, I don’t really know whats happening that time, but I never thought that that was the last moment that I will talk to junsu-hyung.

The next day, I was surprised that there’s no food prepared, usually, Jaejoong-hyung does it, but why did he fail today? Is he sick? I rushed in his room, only to find it empty, I went to junsu-hyungs room, then to yoochun-hyung room, but its all empty, then I saw yunho-hyung at the balcony, crying, I walk beside him, right after I stand beside him, he grabbed me and hugged me,

‘They’re gone, they left us, they’re already gone, saying that they are tired, but I’m also tired, we’re all tired, but I don’t want to give up everything just because I’m tired. Do you have the same thought w/ me? Changmin-ah?’ he asked me, although I might want to say that I want to come w/ them, but thinking that yunho-hyung is alone fighting, and thinking that I’m leaving Qian also, my thought diverted, I wont leave hyung, and I wont leave Qian. That was the only thing on my mind that time.

The news was spread that fast, we cant do anything about it. the whole company is in the biggest distress, our separation is not as normal as the other groups, because we are big stars, that’s ruling every chart in Korea and even in Japan. This is the biggest misery that happened to us, and even to our company. Then I saw Qian at the side wall, looking at me, w/ tears in her eyes, I smiled at her, but that only burst her into crying, so I walk towards her. She grabbed me, and hugged me.

‘Why? why didn’t you tell me? Your in pain all this time, and I don’t even know it! if I only knew, I must be by your side, but why? why didn’t you tell me?’ she said while crying. Do I look pitiful? No, I must not. So I said something that I regretted for the rest of my life.

‘I don’t need you, I just don’t need you. You cant be helped, like as if I tell you everything’s gonna be ok? But no, I don’t need anyone, so I don’t need you.’ She let go of my hands, looking at me w/ the saddest face that I’ve ever seen,

‘Don’t act cool! I know that you need me now, am I right? Changmin always need me, he always check on me, he always take care of me, that’s why I also want to take care of him.’ She said, w/ so much tears in her eyes, but I cant, I cant bear seeing her in pain like this because of me, I don’t want to be a burden to her,

‘Don’t think so high of yourself like I only need you, I don’t need you, I never needed you, so can you please leave me now?’

I don’t want you to feel my pain, cause its killing me,

I don’t want you to feel pity on me, cause it makes me more weak,

I don’t want you beside me, because that only means that you’re leaving him just to accompany me.

So now, please forgive me for setting you free like this, but I don’t have any way, you’ll still stay if I don’t push you away, So to My Qian, Goodbye for now, Goodbye Forever.

Right after that moment, I saw her hugging Kyuhyun, so this is what it felt, like hell, being left alone by the people that you love so much, and sending away the most important person in your life. That kills me softly, but I never regretted knowing her, the best pain that ever happens to me, and the best decision that I’ve made in my life, its all because of her. I love her now, and I will love her forever. Just like how much I love ‘those’ people who left us…

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