Hey everyone! I wanted to put my author note at the beginning this time because I wanted to warn you all that this does contain character death. I'm sorry. I've been in a bad place lately, so... sad author, sad story. Please do read it though! I really put my heart and soul into this. Leave a comment please and subscribe if you liked it. Vote it up if you loved it. I always want to hear what you think, but especially for a story like this which means so much to me. I won't keep you any longer, please enjoy!

Love,

SaranghaeyoBAP

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“What’ll you have, hun?”

“Just the usual…. and bring me something sweet….to go.”

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Two years and three months ago, almost to the day, I brought him here for our first date. After two years of stolen glances, unjustified jealousy, and sweaty palms, I finally decided to confess. It was embarrassing to do it with a cast on my hand, but not being able to practice properly or go on schedules to watch over him left me feeling antsy.

I went to the dance studio and watched as the 5 members performed without me. My heart dropped for a moment as I eyed their movements. It almost looked like they didn’t need me, as if I’d never been there in the first place. I shook the thought from my head and focused on my dancer. He wasn’t tall, but his lines were long and his form was flawless as he transitioned through the movements. He would bend and flex until I feared he would break, but he never did. He was strong. That’s what I loved about him. Even if no one saw it besides me, Moon Jongup was strong.

On break, he bounced over to me, “Himchan hyung!” That smile which long ago etched itself into my heart beamed even more brightly that day. I asked him to follow me, and when he did, he set in motion the most awkward, exciting, and adventurous time in my life. I stumbled over my words. I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was terribly nervous. I was sweating as if I’d been dancing as well. My palms were slippery and my brain was struggling between fight and flight. I’m sure I looked like a mad man; I was a mad man. “You like hyung, don’t you?” He looked at me with doe eyes, “of course I do!” I ran trembling fingers through my hair as I mentally sifted through clumsy romance movie metaphors and over-zealous promises of forever. “Well, I… that is…Hyung was thinking… you know you’re special, don’t you?” His smile diminished slightly. I could see the curiosity forming on his face and the wheels turning in his head. I wanted to just say it, to be forward with my feelings like the leading men in all the dramas I’d been watching. Jongup stretched upward and kissed me lightly, “I understand.” With those words, he went back to practice. In two words, he became everything I was trying to be.

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“Thank you!” I received my drinks and left the coffee shop which held an entire lifetime of memories. At least the weather was nice today. I stared up at the sun, enjoying its beauty and warmth for a brief moment before continuing on. I couldn’t be late for my date.

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“1….2….3!” The flash went off and I commemorated my first date with Jongup with a picture. “You really had to pose like that?” I asked as I fished through photo filters. He took a sip of his iced Americano and grimaced, “What’s wrong with me flexing? I thought it’d make you laugh!” I did laugh. I admired his ability to be open and silly in public without inhibitions. “Hyung, I want to take a picture of you too!” I couldn’t deny the sparkling eyes in front of me, so I straightened my clothes and smiled wide as Jongup focus on getting his perfect shot. “1…2…” and the flash blinded me momentarily. “It’s perfect,” he said as he saved the photo and put the phone down. I crossed my arms, feigning offense, “I don’t get to see my own photo?” Jongup too another sip of his coffee and scowled, pushing it away, “We should head out soon. YongGuk hyung only gave me 2 hours and I want to walk back the long route.”

I agreed and told him to wait outside for me. I tossed out his barely touched coffee and sighed. I remember thinking that Jongup really was cute like that. “May I have one more coffee please? Something warm and with a lot of chocolate syrup?”

I walked out of the coffee shop to find Jongup standing at the corner, scuffing his sneakers against the pavement. He was leaning against a light pole. His hood was pulled up and he seemed to be inspecting his own fingers. At that moment I was thankful. It was just the beginning, but I was truly happier than I could ever recall being. “Here.” Jongup looked up and took the cup from my hands, “Oh! It’s warm! …What is it?” “Taste it and see.” I watched his eyes light up as soon as the drink splashed across his tongue. He smiled and eagerly drank the rest down. I watched him finish his coffee and took the cup from him, “You know you don’t have to order what I order.” Jongup puffed his cheeks and giggled.

“Thanks, hyung… you didn’t have to…”

I grunted in response.

We walked back to the dance studio in silence. We took the scenic route and simply enjoyed one another’s presence. Jongup must have been feeling brave because he linked his fingers with mine. I pulled up my scarf to hide the blush dusting my cheeks, but I was glad. I rubbed circles into Jongup’s palm with my thumb to show my gratitude. I think he understood. And that was how our first date came to an end.

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Two and a half months later, we had our first fight. It was my fault, but I don’t regret it at all. After touring America, I became jealous of the extra time Jongup was spending with Zelo. I had YongGuk take the others out for the day so that I could confront the situation before moving on to the next countries.

I was irrational. When we were finally alone, I turned into a shameful person. I cursed and yelled. I called Jongup names and accused him of unconscionable things. When Jongup cried, the guilt I felt was like a knife slowly twisting at the base of my neck. So, I yelled more and louder. I wanted my boyfriend, MY BOYFRIEND to feel every ounce of insignificance I’d been feeling. I needed him to feel as low as I felt.

When he retreated to his room and slammed the door, I knew I’d succeeded. However, I didn’t feel victorious. I broke down. I called him cheap. I called him worthless. I called him a , even though I knew he was untouched. What I really meant to tell him was that he was important. What I intended for him to hear was that never in my life had a single person engrained himself in my heart to the extent where I thought I would be incomplete without them. What I wanted to say was that I grew so accustomed to him, that even hearing his breathing at night brought me comfort in the most stressful of times. What I needed was for him to know that regardless of my exterior, I need reassurance when we’re too busy to share in each other the way we usually do. So, I cried. I cried until I fell asleep.

Two hours later, I woke up to fingers stoking my hair. “You were talking in your sleep,” said a monotone voice from above. My head was pounding, it was difficult to respond. “No one has ever spoken to me like that,” Jongup muttered, “it was the first time and the last.”

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The breeze felt good against my skin as I walked. It was really hot this time of year and you either loved it or hated it. Nevertheless, it was a great day for a picnic date. I had time to kill, so I took the long route. I browsed shops and took the time to enjoy street performers on the way. When I came across a young hip hop dancer, I stopped. He was good. His moves were fluid and filled with confidence. It felt familiar.

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“God, I’m sorry, please don’t leave me over this. I’m an idiot, you know that! It won’t happen again! I-“

“I know it won’t happen again. I just wanted to make sure you knew,” Jongup removed his hand from my mouth, “Like I said, you were talking in your sleep. For better or worse, I understand.” I sat up and stared at him for a while. I didn’t know how to feel. It was as if I’d been absolved of my sins without paying proper penance. My body was racked with a burden heavier than guilt. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to Jongup’s. He was warm. He was receptive. My hands found his neck and I pulled him closer. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I was going to make him feel my sincerity completely.

I could feel tears wetting my cheeks as the firmness of our kisses grew. I pulled him onto my lap and wrapped my arms around his waist. His hands caressed my jawline as he bravely deepened the kiss. His tongue explored my mouth for the first time. Lips, teeth, tongue, and cheeks were all new territory for Jongup to claim as his. The dancer’s body began moving in sync with his kisses. Slow rolling of pelvis on pelvis had me digging my fingertips into his flesh. One of Jongup’s hands ventured under my shirt and came to rest on my stomach. The temperature difference was scintillating. My body jerked upward, creating a beautiful friction for which neither of us was prepared.

A quiet moan passed Jongup’s lips and his eyes fluttered open. I took in the sight utterly. Hair mussed, lips bright red and slightly swollen, a light pink blush spread from his cheeks down to his chest; he was beautiful. He watched me as I scrutinized every visible inch of him. When my eyes settled on the tent in his pants, he tried to cover himself. I grabbed his hands, “No. We need to see everything.”

This time, it was my turn to take control. My hands settled on his hips and I rocked his body against mine slowly. His breaths were becoming irregular and his eyes shut tight. I kissed him, pouring as much passion as I could muster into that one moment. He slowly increased the speed of his hip rotations. I knew the friction was just as delicious for him as it was for me. His body quaked and a drawn out moan released itself. I captured his lips with my own. I wanted his everything to be mine. I swallowed his moans with kisses, so that I could imprint the vibrations of his voice in my body as well as my mind.

I held him tighter with each tremor because his every move was a symptom of a harsher aftershock to follow and I needed him to know that I would be his stability through it all. Our kisses ceased to be just that. His exhale was my inhale; we breathed for one another. His hand found mine and squeezed. It was all we could do to keep from losing ourselves completely as Jongup came unraveled on top of me. He froze for a moment before his body spasmed atop mine. My name flowed from his lips in a river of hushed whispers; in that moment, my name was a prayer for serenity and love. In that moment, I felt that Jongup was truly mine. I hadn’t even touched him, yet he was mine. 

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I left the dancer a tip and went on my way. I could see the gated off field of green in the distance. I wasn’t far. Once inside, I just had to climb a few hills and I’d be there. I looked down at myself. I felt a bit badly about showing up to a date in such casual clothing, but the weather really was extreme.

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Our 9 month anniversary was special. I wanted everything to be perfect because it wasn’t just a celebration of our 9 months together, but it was our first Christmas. Aside from year-end award shows, we really didn’t have schedules, so all of the members were off doing their own things. I woke Jongup early that morning. He sat at the kitchen table in a drowsy haze. I knew it was a little selfish, but I wanted company as I cooked.

I sat a bowl of fruit in front of the sleepy teenager. I popped a strawberry into his mouth for him and a small smile spread across his face as he chewed. I asked Jongup about his dreams and his childhood. I loved Jongup’s stories because they always made me laugh, especially when they weren’t supposed to…and that was one of my favorite parts. When Jongup told me about the time he was learning to ride a bike and ran into a fence because he didn’t know how to stop, I fell to the ground laughing. He didn’t talk to me for a week after that incident, but he was just so cute, it really couldn’t be helped. I finished the french toast and plated our food. I didn’t get a chance to eat much. I was too occupied with the angel sitting across from me. He ate happily and praised my cooking. Jongup’s smile grew with each syrup-soaked bite and I was certain that nothing more beautiful existed on this planet.

After breakfast, I filled the tub so that Jongup could have a bubble bath. Even though we were on break, Jongup still danced daily and I knew his muscles were aching. After a while, I knocked on the door, “Guppie, can I come in?” I heard a low hum from the other side indicating that I had been granted permission. I entered, but stopped in my tracks. He was glowing. His side profile, highlighted by the soft light filtering through the window, was breathtaking.

I took the small wooden stool from the corner of the bathroom and sat behind my boyfriend, “Let me wash your hair for you.” He turned to look at me, confused by my sudden request. I pressed my forehead to his and smiled warmly, “Please?” He nodded and turned around, sinking lower into the soapy water.

I grabbed my shampoo and poured more than I needed into my hands. Just for today, I wanted Jongup to smell like me. I didn’t want the fleeting sense that came from him borrowing my sweater for the day; I wanted my scent to linger on his flesh and in his hair. I watched the bubbles form as I massaged his scalp with my fingertips. My hands traveled to his temples where I rubbed slow circles until the muscle tension eased. I returned to shampooing his hair, I took longer than I needed to because didn’t want the moment to end. Jongup sighed happily and wrapped his slim fingers around my wrists. He tilted his head back and puckered his lips. I happily accepted the invitation to kiss those plush lips I adored. He gave my lower lip a playful nibble before sinking into the water to rid himself of the suds threatening to enter his eyes. When he emerged, he kicked me out of the bathroom, “I’ll be done soon. I’ll see you when I’m dressed.”

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I checked my watch. I still had time. I took a short detour to a flower stand. It was only proper that I bought flowers for my date, right? I didn’t want roses, they felt too formal. Instead, I chose a bouquet of brightly colored wild flowers. They weren’t expensive, but seemed appropriate for the occasion. Happy with my decision, I headed off.

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Jongup emerged some time later in a heavy sweater, black jeans, and sneakers. He was the cutest I’d ever seen him. I pulled my boyfriend into a hug and just held him. “Hyung?” I ignored him and squeezed him tighter. “Hyung, please,” Jongup was tapping my arms. “Just a little bit longer, Jonguppie, just a little longer,” I murmured into his ear and the protests stopped. When I finally let go, his cheeks were red and he wouldn’t look at me. He stared at the floor and played with the hem of his sweater.

I took my boyfriend by the hand and led him from the dorm. It felt nice having him with me; my boyfriend, Moon Jongup. Finally, we arrived at the skating rink. I wasn’t very good at ice skating, but I knew Jongup enjoyed it. We laced up our skates and ventured out onto the ice. It was early, so it wasn’t terribly crowded, but we clung to each other nonetheless. Eventually, Jongup became restless and wanted to play, so I allowed him to go ahead of me. He sped around the ice. He did spins and skated backwards; he lapped me twice before I made it around the rink on my own. After 45 minutes, I’d had enough and though he wouldn’t admit it, Jongup looked tired too.

We walked to the coffee shop, our coffee shop, and warmed ourselves over hot chocolate. “Hyung?” I looked up from my drink. “You know you’re old, right?” I narrowed my eyes and snatched the hot chocolate away from a snickering Jongup. “No, no! I’m sorry!” He fought to hold in his laughter as he took back the beverage, “But really, thank you. I know it’s still early, but you made today really amazing.”

“Don’t thank me for doing what I should.”

I took a long sip and hid my face. I would never tell him, but I loved it when Jongup praised me.

Later that night, I took Jongup to the roof of the dorm. It was cold and snow was falling. I knew I didn’t have much time. I watched as he walked to the edge of the roof and looked out at the skyline. This roof was his sanctuary. I remember him telling me, “It’s home, you know? It’s still home, but I can see everything. Just standing here is like flying. It’s just like when I dance, I want to fly, Hyung.”

“Jonguppie?” He turned back and walked over. “Close your eyes for me.” He did as I asked and I reached into my pocket to pull out a small box. I put it in his hand and waited for him to open my gift. “Himchan hyung! This is too much!” I pulled the watch from the box and put it on his wrist. The time piece was silver. It had a large face containing three smaller clocks which showed the times in New York, Paris, and Sydney. It fit him perfectly. “I also got you this,” I held out a brightly-patterned cotton bag secured with a drawstring. “I know you get uncomfortable with really expensive things, so when you don’t want to wear the watch, wear one of these instead.” Jongup opened the bag and pulled out two wooden necklaces. His eyes lit up and he threw his arms around me. He thanked me and showered me in kisses.

I told him not to get me anything because I wanted to spoil him and I’m glad I did. Nothing made me happier than seeing that brilliant smile on display. Nothing made me happier than his happiness.

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I passed through the large wrought iron gates and admired the expanse of green in front of me. I greeted the families as I walked. I felt peaceful. Two large hills were ahead of me. It was only about half a mile to my destination, but it would still take some work to get there.

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I poured wine for both of us. The red swirled in the glasses and stayed there. Neither of us particularly cared for wine, but felt like it was a necessity on this special occasion. 15 months. We liked that number, 15. It felt like an accomplishment. We chatted over pasta and laughed together.

After our meal, we ordered dessert and sipped our wine as we reminisced about our time together. He teased me for never formally asking him on a date and I for always being so forward in his advances. “Jongup?” We’d had such a nice evening that I was feeling brave, “Can I talk to you about something?”

His smile faded. He could see that whatever was on my mind was a serious matter. “I wanted to discuss coming out about our relationship.”

“No! You know how I feel about that! We have this discussion every time we go out!”

“You’ve been wearing my ring since your birthday! I don’t want to tell the world, just our family and friends.”

“Why do you want to change things? Family is scary enough, but friends? Do you know how dangerous that is?”

“Why are you ashamed of us?” I lowered my voice, hoping that he would mimic my tone. I didn’t want a shouting match in the middle of s restaurant.

“I’m not ashamed, but what if something got out? What are you going to do about the 4 other people who depend on us?”

“But what about US?”

Jongup stood just as the waiter was bringing our orders. “Sir, do you want me to make these to go?” I responded, “No, that won’t be necessary.” He bowed and left. Jongup stood rigid with his hands balled into small fists.

“You know what, Himchan? You’re selfish. I love you, I do, but this is something you’re going to have to change.”

“But I just-“

“Exactly. You. You just want. You need to think about what’s best for everyone else.”

Jongup grabbed his glass, drained the last of its contents and slammed it on the table before walking off.

“Where are you going?” I called after him.

“Home!”

Angry and embarrassed at the scene we’d just caused, I finished my wine as well. I pulled over Jongup’s forgotten cheesecake and began eating it along with my chocolate cake. I didn’t want to waste an expensive bottle of wine, only having had two glasses, so I tilted my head back and drank from the bottle. It wasn’t proper, but I’d long forgotten my dignity when I called after my boyfriend who walked out on me on our anniversary.

Two hours later, I finished the food and wine, paid the bill and headed home. The restaurant wasn’t too far from the dorm, so I simply walked. Why was it so important to me that people know about our relationship? I kept my head down as I walked, mulling over everything that had been said. Jongup’s face kept appearing in my mind and I heard the words over and over again, “You’re selfish.”

I was snapped out of my thoughts when police sirens blared. I had walked into the street just as they were trying to leave. I apologized profusely and waited for them to drive off. There in the middle of the street I saw a ring. It was simple platinum with a wide band. I didn’t think it could be, but I checked the inside to make sure, “My over-zealous promise of forever.” This was mine. This was Jongup’s. Was he really so angry that he threw away my ring? My promise to him? Was I really that terrible?

I put the ring in my pocket and continued home. In my slightly inebriated mind, I decided then that I didn’t need public acknowledgment. I just needed Jongup by my side and I would do whatever it took to get that ring back on his finger. Ten minutes later, I stumbled into the house and fell onto the couch. I was exhausted. I passed out immediately.

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At the top of that second hill, I sat on the prepared blanket and looked at all of the food that was set out. It looked great. I removed the coffees from their carrier and placed them on the blanket, “I’ve missed you!”

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I awoke in the morning to YongGuk shaking me, “Hey, Himchan, where is Jongup?” I sat up and rubbed my eyes, “Jongup? He got mad at me and left the restaurant early. He should have gotten in before late.” YongGuk looked worried and left the room. I went to the bedroom, but everything was as he left it the night before. Where could he have spent the night? “Hey, come into the living room,” YongGuk yelled through the dorm. Sluggish bodies dragged out and scattered about the sitting area. “Manager Kang called. He wants to talk to us and he’s on his way.”

We sat for an hour before Manager Kang showed. He was in his pajamas. His eyes were sunken and face haggard. He sat on the coffee table and tugged at his hair. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. “Last night, I got a call.” I can’t really tell you the rest because I don’t remember that much of it. The police called earlier that night because his business card was in Jongup’s pocket. Apparently, he’d been the victim of a hit and run, just three blocks from the restaurant. Manager Kang spent the night in the hospital, waiting for Jongup’s parents to arrive to identify the body. There were no witnesses to the accident. There was no footage from security cameras. Just a young man, bleeding in the middle of the road, found by a drunk salaryman on his way home. He died angry and alone.

He died angry and alone and it shouldn’t have happened.

He died angry and alone and it was my fault it happened.

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The other members must have been here already. Everything’s so nice.

“It’s already been a year, are you well?”

I knew a grave wouldn’t speak back to me, but I talked anyway.

“I don’t visit you enough… I’m sorry. I brought you flowers! I didn’t spend too much on them, I know how much you hate that….”

I could feel the constriction in my throat. “I brought you something sweet to drink too. Mine is Americano, but I knew it’d be too bitter.”

I blinked back tears and clutched the ring dangling around my neck from a thin chain. “You know, Guppie, it’s been hard. I don’t think anyone is really the same. I still think it’s hardest for you though. Are you dancing where you are? Do you like where we placed you? I helped your parents pick the spot. It was the highest point available and the view is great. You can see everything. Do you feel like you’re flying, Jonguppie? I hope so. It’s all you ever wanted… to fly.”

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P.S. I'm in the middle of a K-Pop poster giveaway on my blog. It's open internationally, so participate if you'd like. It closes in 6 days.