Considering Love
「One-Shot」Behind The Smile
Dear Diary,
It is of utmost importance no one ever reads you aside from me, you understand that diary? As I am part of a major boy band with millions of fans or at least hundreds of thousands. Such a diary would bring scandal. Not only to me. A friend told me, or rather our angel leader told me when thoughts get too much its good to write them on paper. Well anyway...
My name is Donghee, many fans may say it was a typo for Donghae after all Donghae was one of the favourites. Shin Donghee often forgotten I guess it was because I was one of the least popular in Super Junior after all I may have talent and personality but... some fans are shallow. Well thats a lie lots of fans are shallow no matter if ELFs or VIPs or even Directioners or even fans of actors, as they don't see us actual people but items. They fight over us like children over toys, they stalk us, they don't care about privacy, they abuse anyone they dislike sending hate-mail even female idols we're close to recieve it. All because of jealousy. Some fans are not like that... but there's many that are.
Its a miracle I'm even an idol seeing as I don't fit the image. The image of idols is handsome, fit and just perfect, poster boys who could sing. Someone to goggle over, to crush on, admire. Gone was the days of radio and records, people still did that, but it was more of a television, magazine, youtube era nowadays. The world went visual as well as blind. Blind to talent, blind to music, not all but the visual had dampened what their ears heard. I lack the body so I'm not as popular, I'm the fat kid pretty much. I'm the friend rather than the boyfriend.
But it hurts you know, to be seen as the fat one. But people don't notice as I just plaster on a smile and joke, Kibum may have been the actor with the ambitions but I could honestly say I was one of the best actors of them all. I fooled everyone. All the fans, the members, the stage staff, the managers. Everyone. My smile and laugh fooled them all when inwardly I was crying. Everyone saw Shindong the joker, the rapper, the one who smiles and gets on with it. No one saw Donghee.
Not even my crush. Yes I had a crush, a major one at that it was almost verging on love. After all I carried it for many years, most of my years in Super Junior for that fact. I had met the other whilst in Super Junior, and they had immediately attracted me which made me alarmed. After all I had never been gay before. Yes, the person I had a crush upon wasn't some girl group, like Girls' Generation (or SNSD as they're also called) but one of my fellow Super Junior members.
He was just perfect in my eyes, in every way. But he wasn't gay, well I didn't know that for certain but I couldn't ask nor reveal myself. What if he was disgusted, wanted to stay away from me? What if he told. What would happen then? Its hard to be gay, especially in South Korea when homouality is frowned upon. Its even harder when you're in the spotlight and the company doesn't even like idols being in heteroual relationships. But its even harder when you're an idol and to be both gay and fat.
Even if I could never confess, in fear of repulsion, in fear of rejection. I would always be there for them. Being in the friend zone would be enough for me... for now anyway as then I could hold them when they needed comfort, to wipe those tears if they cried, to hide their face and cover their ears when they get scared of a horror film. It was good to just be there for them. I eventually got the term of best friend. I had never been happier.
I was the one they came to when they were sad, I was the one they asked to go out with, I was the one they told their secrets to. But all things come to an end. He told me one secret I dreaded to hear, he admitted he had fallen in love. That one of the other members had captured their heart despite myself be the one for him. I had always been just the friend. 'Always the bridesmaid but never the bride', that was basically myself always the friend but never the boyfriend. Always that way.
It was frustrating, and I was dying on the inside. But I encouraged the other, I didn't ant him to miss his chance like I did. So when they announced their relationship to the group, I was the only one not surprised but damn did it hurt. When I went to bed. All I did was cry. That was the only thing I could do, cry myself to sleep, to attempt to escape.
But when I woke up it was still real.
"Hey Shindong Hyung~ get out of the bedroom! What on Earth do you think you're doing all cooped up when we have a schedule? Haven't you heard Leeteuk's yelling?" The younger rapper whined at his fellow rapper before jumping upon the bed besides an alarmed looking Shindong who hurriedly attempted to hide the diary he had been scribbling frantically into. He scrambled in order to hide it to his chest. Something considered rather suspicious and so Eunhyuk in a nature similar to his animal counterpart according to ELFs, the monkey, he swiftly stole the diary before Shindong managed to grab it. With a mischievous grin plastered upon his face he ran out the room waving the diary around, it wasn't from spite but from fun and it also got the other from the room so they could finally get to their schedule.
Dear Diary,
There is simply no escape for me. Currently I am drowning in my own feelings as they begin to overwhelm me, not good feelings at that, feelings of regret, lost love and disgust in myself. Even if no one else could see it I did, I saw every piece of fat rolling off my skin and I knew fans could too. They seemed to notice everything after all, every bruise, mole, tear, but of course that applies only to physical rather than emotional. Fans tended not to delve too deep at least to me or considering uncomfortableness. I was also feeling like an idiot, how could I be so stupid to think I could think I could take the secret of my affection to my grave, such a foolish idea. Everything eventually comes out no matter how warped. It will come out in the end. It just takes time.
And my secret came out in a waterfall, diary, all thanks to Eunhyuk and his theft of you. If he hadn't stole you our own evil maknae wouldn't have come in contact and read out loud about my love in front of everyone. Including the one I loved. Fortunately he hadn't read much of my hurt and insecurities (truths) just my love and another good thing was that no one knew who it was as I kept anonymously so my shame was hidden. But... I could tell that my love knew it was him. He connected it inside his head. How could he not, he recognised that he was the one to do those things. To cry, to be encouraged, to go shopping. And I could see the guilt and pity in his eyes.
"So... how long?"
Shindong looked up slowly, there was silence before he replied after a while of their connected eyes "How long for what?" and hoped the other just let it go, he just wanted it to be over. Forgotten. Shindong was playing oblivious with a fake smile upon his lips (well a faker than usual and thus noticeable one) he knew what the other was talking about but he didn't want to acknowledge it. He just wanted it to blow over and be done with. To be seen as a joke which he had convinced the others it was, they believed him easily as they couldn't believe it.
"Don't pretend Donghee!" Shindong's love hissed out with a sharp look at the other, he was angry but not with Shindong but with himself for never noticing and hurting the other so, how could he not notice when it was so obvious! The softened glances, how the other blushed, just everything and he never noticed. He felt like scum.
"Well... you heard what was said." Shindong answered slowly their joined eye connection seemed dangerous with the intensity. It was like someone was going to get burnt in the end
"Years... really years?" He stammered out in shock, he had never thought it was true but an extraggartion. He had been so blind, and so he vowed to make it up to the other even if he couldn't return the feelings and his anger against himself increased. "This wasn't supposed to happen, what did I do this time." He hissed in frustration with himself, gripping at his hair and felt close to hitting his head against something.
"Well... it couldn't exactly happen over night, I don't believe in love at first sight after all and its fine. I'm used to the pain, it dulls after years." Shindong answered looking at the other, sadness evident in his eyes now. The other was treating it as if it just a mistake, a burden and was he tearing up? That hurt Shindong's heart as he hated to see the other sad especially knowing he did it by loving him.
"Please don't cry." Shindong pleaded arms wrapping around the other "I don't need your tears wasted over me..." He said quietly and the rest of the night was just filled with hugging each other and comforting.
Dear Diary,
Is this what closure is like? Its like my heart was finally healing over my love and I could accept it. I guess one of the main reasons I couldn't get over it was the fact I considered it wrong and disgusting not to mention my fear of no more being friends with the other but he had helped me heal by accepting my feelings. Not returning them but merely accepting them with a smile before attempting to help me move on. Gentle words, he was so kind to me and I felt honoured and cared for whilst he answered it was just karma. Karma for all the times I was there for him and so now it was his turn to be there for me. I didn't care about karma, I just cared that we still were friends and that I now had a shoulder to lean on. I had to admit I had gained more confidence in myself thanks to him. I felt like an actual person again, rather than some faulty kind of doll, an idol with flaws.
But there was just one thing which wasn't good. He was always trying to put me on blind dates with men and ladies alike and I found that I wasn't attracted to men aside from him. He was an exception. So it began to be just beautiful ladies, all who I considered out of my league and the dates were nice but most of them mostly cared that I was part of Super Junior and the fame they could gain. So far my idea of achieving love was shoddy. Love just didn't happen to famous fat guys.
"Come on, get out of bed! You have a date~" The other cooed into Shindong's ear, yet again Shindong found he had a date he had never arranged, a date he was forced into. But today was somewhat different as the other seemed more excited than normal. Shindong paid no heed to the excitedness a sign that the other had found someone he thought could work instead he merely groaned. He didn't want another date he just wanted to sleep in and relax rather than be forced out of bed and made up. But it had become somewhat of routine now so he could get ready without much thought but to his surprise the fellow member (and his ex-love interest) stopped him with a grin upon his lips.
"No fancy this time. Now its time for au naturel~" He clapped happily truly believing he had found someone Shindong would like and would like Shindong honestly. After all they were not an ELF but an everyday girl. Not a celebrity but just a regular person who wasn't out for fame. Besides the school graduation album they saw her in shown her to be cute and a near perfect match to the other. Well thats what he thought anyway. Either way he had gotten them set up.
Dear Diary,
Is this really real? She was adorable, kind and wasn't obsessive. We had set up another date for another time, I didn't understand it but we had clicked. The bad thing about this though was his smug face as a date he arranged went well, well any way diary I better get some flowers. I hope Nari likes them, so later diary and I'll apologise in advance if I write little in you. After all the reason I began to write in you was because it was a way to let out the bad emotions and I feel happier now.
"Donghee~ah, I like you lots." Nari smiled looking at the other smiling with her whole face, her eyes crinkled in an eye smile, lips upturned and even her nose seemed to smile as well. She felt happy around the other, he may not be considered the handsomest but he was smart, kind, sweet and fun to be with. She liked him a lot as she said. She reached over the table in order to hold onto his hand.
Shindong blinked in surprise, did she just confess? And was it true? Did she honestly like him for him, he found it hard to believe but his heart did believe especially when coupled with their hands entwined. But just because of insecurity he replied almost shyly. "But I'm the fat one."
Nari just continued to smile "And that just gives me more of you to love" She answered with a mild blush at how bold she was being, liking was one thing but now she had basically admitted she loved him. Which she was quickly finding she did.
"But..." Shindong began surprised at the reply but pleasantly so.
"Stop arguing and kiss me before I get tired waiting." Nari answered with a small laugh. And finally Shindong was happy.
WORDS: 2,488
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