“I like you Jiyong” I said.

 

He looked as great as ever with his black/white hair and his unique style. Today he wore tight black jeans, a plain white shirt and a dark blue jacket. Large chains and rings on his fingers to complement his outfit.

Although he was just coming over for a small visit he still dressed as handsome as usually.

He was truly a style icon.  

 

Silently he sat across me, one leg over another. His face was expressionless and his lips pressed on each other. He was gripping his tea cup tightly and looked anywhere but me. No word was spoken after the last sentence I’ve said. Silence had enveloped us for couple minutes and made me suffocate slowly but surely.

 

How could I be that stupid to confess in my own flat with no way to escape? Any sane person would have chosen a café or an open place to run away because you have to be prepared for everything. But obviously I was not a sane person.

 

Why did I have to confess to him? I was really dumb - I knew that he was so way out of my league.

 

I really never wanted this to happen and surely not with the two of us. We were in one company, knew each other for too long and most importantly we were friends. And there was really no place for those kinds of feelings. But still they were there.

 

I was just really lost and tortured myself. I was so jealous if I only saw him with a girl. It didn’t matter that she was just his dancer, but seeing a woman other than me so close to him literally made my blood boil. And he was the cause of all this.

 

How long could I possibly suppress my feelings? He had to know and I had to hear a clear answer from him. Easy as that but right now I don’t really think that he wants to speak with me anymore.

 

He placed his tea cup on the table between us. Then he slightly coughed with his hand before his mouth and had he my attention at once.

“Sandara…” He calls me by my full name? Damn, not a good sign. “… I really appreciate your feelings but… I don’t feel that way.”

 

There was my answer to a never asked question. I was really stupid to think that he would feel something for me.  I cursed myself. Why didn’t I ask my girls for advice before I confessed? They would have told me clearly to forget him.

 

Stupid me!

 

I nodded. What should I fight for? A Rejection is a definitive no, isn’t it?

 

My heart breaks into pieces and I’m in pain. It hurts so damn much I was on the edge of crying. But I don’t want to cry in front of him. My ego and my last ounce of pride permitted something like this. I blinked the tears away and nodded again.

 

“I would like it if this could stay between us. Not even Youngbae, please?” I asked for a favor and hoped he would oblige.

 

He really shouldn’t tell anyone about it. That would only result in embarrassment and pity from all sides. And with that I couldn’t buy me anything in the world, it was just a burden. 

 

“Of course. Whatever you wish.” He smiled lightly. “I guess it’s better if I leave.” He offered while he stood up. I also stood up from the couch and followed him to the door. He slipped inside his black shoes, opened the door and stood now outside my apartment.

 

“So…” he started to speak again. “… text me whenever you are ready. I’ll wait.”

 

I bit my lower lip, nodded and closed the door behind him. With my back against the entrance door I counted slowly twenty-one, twenty-two – patience Dara, don’t – twenty-three, twenty-four – he’s not worth it, don’t cry – twenty-five …

there it was something cold on my left cheek. I wiped it away but it was replaced by another and within seconds there seemed to be a waterfall.

I slid down my entrance door and sat on the floor. I embraced my legs while I was crying uncontrollably.

 

This was not the way it should be. Why am I this unlucky? Why him out of all people? Any other guy would have been better, but why Jiyong? So was he to blame for being just an amazing friend and too handsome for anyone to bear with your own eyes? 

 

Stupid heart, stupid feelings, stupid everything!

 

I palmed my face. This was too much for me and my weak heart. All of my hope got crashed in one instant.

 

I was so long in love. For almost a year until I realized that I have to confess. But an unplanned confession results into nothing. That’s a lesson learned.

 

Why is love so damn cruel? I was disappointed and heartbroken. How can I ever face him again?

 

 

He appreciates my feelings? - What should I do with that?

I should text him when I’m ready? - That means-in my case- never.

He’ll wait for me? – Wait for what? That we continue our friendship while I wished for more?

 

 

I need to calm down. I had a photo-shoot tomorrow and I can’t arrive there all teary and with puffy eyes. Also would my band members worry which I definitely did not want. Slowly I stood up from the floor and went into my bedroom. I opened my drawer in search for my cigarettes.

 

I was not a smoker, definitely not. But when I was in serious problems it relaxed me to sit in the cold night and smoke a cigarette. I always had the hope that all problems would fly away like the smoke that I exhaled.

 

But in my drawer was only an empty box.

 

Damn it.

 

I thought for a second - Do I really want to smoke or can I live without it today?

 

My head decided quickly and added also alcohol. A cigarette and a glass of soju? Sounded inviting right now - I had to go out.

 

I closed the drawer and went to the front door. There I took my coat and slipped into my sneakers. Last but not least I grabbed some cash and my keys which I both put into my jeans pocket. 

 

Shortly after I exited my apartment complex and went down the street. It was not that cold. A nice chilly weather with a clear sky but no stars to my disappointment. I felt how the fresh night air cleared my head a little bit. It also helped to dry my eyes and make them look better hopefully.

 

The little shop at the end of the street was opened 24/7 so I would get everything I wanted. I knew it by heart so I could easily find the things I was searching for. I picked one bottle of soju and one pack of cigarettes and paid at the cash counter. I was lucky that there was only an old lady who didn’t really recognize who I was. An Idol shopping these things could bring the next head line and a raging sajangnim.

 

She packed the two things into a white plastic bag and handed it to me. I left the store and started to walk back to my home.

 

“…No… I mean…”

 

That voice. Wait… I knew it. I turned into the direction I thought it was coming from.

 

„She did it.“

 

That was Jiyong. He stood outside of his white Bentley and leant on the hood of it. He was on the phone with somebody. I hid behind the corner so that he couldn’t see me.

 

What was he doing here?

 

“She confessed to me“

 

I grasped for air. He told it to someone although I asked him the favor of not doing it? Slowly my blood began to boil. I could kill this man with my own hands if I wasn’t in love with him…

 

“If I was happy? You have no idea…” He laughed.

 

What the hell? He laughed about my feelings?

 

I gritted my teeth.

 

It seemed that I have mistaken Jiyong’s personality. Never has he laughed about a girl who was in love with him in front of me, but behind my back he seemed to be a whole different story.

 

“Bae you know how it is.” His thumb played with the ring on his middle finger while his right hand held the mobile phone.

 

I tightened the grip on my plastic bag. Of course – it only could be him. Who else besides than Jiyong’s childhood best friend Dong Youngbae?

They shared everything. Every little detail or secret had to be discussed between them. Sometimes they were more like twins than friends.

 

„Do you know how hard it was to reject her?“ he asked Youngbae with a serious voice.

 

I sat up and took notice of what he was saying. I never thought it was hard for him to reject me. I was a little bit satisfied that he had some problem with it at least.

 

“Bae… no… I…” he stuttered. Youngbae didn’t seem to let him speak. “Of course I do.”

 

What does he do? Ah goddamn it. It was wrong to overhear the conversation of other people. But Jiyong talked about me, so I had the right to know it, didn’t I?

 

“Yes I love Sandara, but...”

 

My eyes widened and I was in shock. So I didn’t get the rest of the sentence.

 

Did he really say that he loves me? But in my flat he told me that he didn’t love me at all… My head was spinning and different thoughts crossed my mind.

 

Suddenly I heard a loud clang as if glass was broken. I recognized the broken green glass pieces and the liquid on the ground. Then I saw him turn around and look into my direction. Then my gaze shot up and I looked directly into his eyes. He held his mobile phone away from his ear. Jiyong seemed to be really in panic to see me there.

 

“Y-You love m-me?” I asked insecure as I went towards him.

 

“Dara how long were you there?” he asked and panted a little.

 

“You told Youngbae that you love me. Is that true?” My voice was full of hope.

 

“Did you hear everything?” Jiyong went pale. “Really everything?”

 

“In my apartment you told me otherwise. Why do you lie to Bae?”

 

“I-I…” he stuttered and looked around, as he put his phone away. 

 

All over sudden I felt very helpless and the sadness crushing back down on me. He simply didn’t like me the way I did him. Accept this stupid heart of mine!

What did I hope for? This was leading nowhere.

 

So why should I care what he was talking behind my back? I had bigger problems. Like the main one – forgetting Jiyong and my feelings for him.

 

I turned around and tried to begin with it now. I still had to clean the mess up on the street. I went towards my plastic bag and squatted beside it. First I took the half wet cigarettes out.

 

“You smoke?” He asked anxious as he held my wrist with the packet in my hand. Jiyong kneeled beside me. He seemed to worry about me.

 

I just freed my hand and continued. I don’t think he is someone who I have to give an explanation to everything I do.

 

“Dara talk to me.” He tried it again but I didn’t react towards any of his words. 

 

I took a broken piece of green glass off the ground, but I wasn’t careful enough and so I got cut by it.

 

“Ah!” I let it drop again to the floor. Blood was on my fore and middle finger.

 

Suddenly he grabbed my bleeding hand and put it into a tissue. While he carefully draped the tissue over my wound I pulled my hand away from him.

 

“I can do it myself.” I hissed as I tried to put the tissue myself on my finger. But under his eyes my hands started to tremble and I failed miserably.

 

Although I tried to avoid it, he took my hand into his again and helped me to fix it so my bleeding would stop.

 

“Don’t hurt yourself Sandara…” He just mumbled as he still looked at my fingers. “…because if you do you’re hurting me too.”

 

What was he saying now? No Dara, don’t believe anything he is saying.

 

So I distracted myself and took the broken glass pieces with my other hand. I was trying really hard to suppress the shaking of my hands and put everything into my plastic bag. All the time he just watched me and didn’t say anything at all, but he helped me at least.

 

As I finished this I just stood up, dumped everything into the trash and turned to walk into the store again.

 

“Please listen to me.” He just said and stopped me with those words.

 

“I’m hearing.” I looked at him again. I didn’t expect anything but stupid explanations.  He took his time before he spoke.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

That’s it? A short apology? Very great Mr. Kwon…

 

“You should be.” I started talking real with him now. “I asked you a favor, and you just pretended to be a friend. But behind my back you told Youngbae everything. And in such a bad manner I have no words for.”

 

“It’s not like that.” He tried some kind of lame excuse. I just chuckled bitterly.

 

“You can tell somebody that didn’t listen to your whole conversation with him.”

 

He stared at me wide eyed.

 

“I’m so sick of this, of you, of my feelings. It’s just not fair.” I was on the edge of crying. “Why do I have to be the one suffering? What crime did I commit?” I asked and didn’t wish for an answer from him. I just wanted space and distance from him.

 

“I really like you, but…” He started again but I interrupted him.

 

“Oh please, spare me with all that! Just leave me alone, okay? As you suggested I will text you when I’m ready.” I spat at him.

 

As I tried to turn away I was pulled suddenly. Then I felt his chest against mine, his hot breath on my face and his eyes were staring into mine. I felt like my heart skipped a beat or two. I was never so close to Jiyong. It was a weird but overwhelming feeling.

 

“So will you shut up and listen to me like I asked you to?”

 

I just nodded careful not to touch anything in his face with mine because he was just too close.

 

“You are right. I lied to you. And you have every right to hate me.” He stated. As I opened my mouth to answer him he just shushed me. “No, now I am talking.” He told harshly before he started to whisper. “But please don’t hate me. I was just scared. I’m a coward and was not true to myself.” 

 

What was he saying? He spoke in riddles. As I tried to put some distance between us he just held on tighter.

 

“But I’m not afraid anymore.” He just whispered before I felt his lips on mine.

 

I blinked a few times until I realized that he was really kissing me and that this wasn’t a day dream. As fast as the kiss started it also stopped.

“I love you Dara.” He whispered against my lips and then kissed me shortly again.

 

What the f? Now I was really confused.

 

“F-First you say this, and then you do t-that? J-Jiyong you have to explain this. I don’t r-really get this.”  I stuttered totally perplexed.

 

He just laughed and over my hair before he led me towards his car where we sat beside each other at the back seat.  As both of our doors were closed he began to speak.

 

“I know you for a long time now Dara. And since I know you there was a feeling inside me that wanted me to be more to you than a friend. But I always pushed it aside and didn’t take it too serious. But in those last months I saw a change in you and wasn’t sure how to cope with it.” He told me while he took my injured hand into his and stoked slowly over it.

 

“You realized my feelings?” I asked shocked.

 

“Of course I did.” He laughed. “I’m not stupid! I have seen a lot of women in love and you were too obvious. It was no secret to me about who you were so in love with! You had my picture as your mobile wallpaper and the ones from my latest photo shoots always.”

 

Oh no! When did he get to know something like this? I palmed my face. I was open as a book to him all the time. This was just too embarrassing.

 

He took my hands away from my face and into his again.

 

“Don’t be embarrassed.” He smiled. “I did the same thing too, but hid it much better.”

 

As I was blushing even more he continued. “As I got to know this I was quite sure of your feelings for me. But I was just too insecure.”

 

I nodded as I slowly understood.  “You were afraid of ending our friendship that’s why you rejected me?”

 

He shook his head. “No, about our friendship I didn’t really care. I was afraid of you.”

 

I crooked my eyebrows. This was just getting more and more confusing.

 

“First of all you were older than me. I don’t really care about age, it’s not important. You were more experienced than I was. And you only had boyfriends that were older than you. How could I compare with that? So I didn’t even try to get closer to you.” he explained.

 

“But Jiyong I…” He still didn’t let me speak.

 

“And secondly you are a god damn goddess. You are way too good for someone like me. I don’t really think that I’m worthy of you.”

 

Now he was looking down on his lap and fumbled with his own hands. He turned rings around and was nervous as hell. I took his face into my hands and made him look me into my eyes.

 

“I only had older boyfriends because I didn’t fall in love with someone younger than me. You know age is nothing but a number.

And Jiyong you are not worthy of me? It’s the other way around. You are the gold and diamonds boy. You are way too talented, too handsome and your character is out of any imagination. I envied every of your girlfriends because you are way too good to be true boyfriend. If someone has to be scared then it’s me.” I clearly told him. 

 

"Don't put yourself down. You are the one that is the best, but doesn't even realize this herself."

 

" Stop talking nonsense. I could say the same thing to you!" I laughed.

 

He leant his forehead against mine.

 

“You’re still way better than me!” He playfully argued which made me smile even more.

 

“No, no, no…” I whispered as I felt again his lips on mine. I closed my eyes and just felt the warmth and the love. I could really enjoy it this time. His soft and warm lips. His minty breath and how careful he acted.

 

Was I really this happy to be able to be together with this wonderful man? Did I save a country in my former life?

 

Slowly we parted ans smiled brightly at each other.

 

“I love you Jiyong. Let’s see what the future holds in store for us.” I was way too happy.

 

“I love you more Dara and as long as we love each other there is nothing to be afraid of.” He smiled his gummy smile.

 

I nodded happily. And so the worst day of life turned into one of the best!

 

THE END =)

 

 

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thank you for reading, anni87 xD