Kyungsoo didn’t understand.

“Don’t touch me.”

He didn’t know when it started either, but he picked up on the pattern. It was little things at first like not standing so close to each other that later escalated to staying as far away from the elder as he possible could. When they were roommates Jongin got into the habit of using whatever excuse he could to get out of the dorm. Kyungsoo could tell Jongin didn’t want to be in the same building as him let alone the same room. When they changed rooms Kyungsoo saw him even less. Jongin wouldn’t come home for dinner and during rehearsals he’d didn’t care if he got paired up with their manager or even a trainee just so long as it wasn’t Kyungsoo he was working with. The majority, if not all of the members noticed this too, but no one said a thing. “They’re fighting. It’ll blow over.” But it didn’t… it only grew worse.   

“I’m fine just leave me alone.”

“Talk to me please. Tell me what’s going on. Let me help you.” Kyungsoo would always say, plead and even beg. Kyungsoo didn’t mean to pry. Jongin was a big boy. He was capable of dealing with his own , but Kyungsoo didn’t want him to. He wanted to make sure Jongin knew that he was there for him regardless the problem, but Jongin would simply shrug the other off and always spit out the same sentence. “It’s you. Stop smothering me.” He made it clear that Kyungsoo was the problem. So Kyungsoo did. He left him alone for as long as he could, but that didn’t last for very long.

“What do you care?”

Jongin didn’t see it or maybe he chose not to, but Kyungsoo cared. He cared a lot. More than he should’ve. Why else would he have put up with the younger’s bull for so many years? Why else would he have picked up after him, fed him, comforted him, nurse him back to health whenever he was sick.  Kyungsoo would do that again and tenfold, but he was no longer allowed. The person he wanted to take care so badly was the one pushing him away. He didn’t want anything to do with Kyungsoo. Maybe Jongin had forgotten, but aside from being just hyung and dongsaeng or just band mates or just co-workers. They were once friends too, but with the passing days and almost no communication at all it started to seem less and less likely that that reality ever existed.

“Why are you always sticking your nose in my business?!”

Kyungsoo never meant for that to happen. He never meant to causally look over to where Jongin’s phone was and see the messages he was receiving from an unknown number. About how great last night was and they should do it again. It broke Kyungsoo’s heart but what right did he have to confront Jongin? He never meant for Jongin to walk in just as he was tearing his eyes away. He never meant to be accused of snooping even though he had wanted to for a while. Kyungsoo kept his mouth closed as Jongin exploded in his face because Kyungsoo realized that was the only way he’d hear the other’s voice. That was the only way to get Jongin to notice him. Even if the heated rant about don’t you have something better to do and something else about privacy only lasted for about 3 minutes.  

“Jesus Christ, will you off!?

How could he? It was a never ending cycle. He tried to ignore Jongin, he really did, but every time he'd get right in again. The small subtle not so subtle touches they shared in front of the camera. Simple head pats or neck . Those softy loving gazes and looks Jongin gave him when he isn’t looking. He only knew of them when he saw fan cams or pictures fans had posted online. “It’s fan service.” Kyungsoo would tell himself. Over and over to the point where he believed it and why wouldn’t he? That’s all it really was. Jongin was truly amazing. How he was able to flip his feelings off and on like a ing switch. How he was Kai in front of the world. A y fun loving, happy go lucky guy, but to Kyungsoo he was Jongin. An ugly spoiled inconsiderate cold hearted coward who would rather die than deal with much less admit what feelings he had developed for his hyung. His Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo. No, Jongin would much rather say and do hurtful things than do ever admit that.  

“I don’t need you!”

But Kyungsoo needed Jongin. Even if the touches were fake, if the kind words they shared were lies, if when they held each other was nothing but bull SM told them they had to do for the sake of the fans, Kyungsoo would take it. Because it was only in those moments he could have an excuse to hold the boy he once swore himself to always love and protect. And it was in those moments where Jongin would flash his radiant smile in the shorter’s direction and hold him tight and refuse to let go. It was almost as if Jongin was trying to make of for all those times he blew Kyungsoo off or for the times he made him cry. And for a split second Kyungsoo believed that smile was genuine. That it was only meant for him and that embrace he was engulfed in was real. That everything was fine with them and that things were going to go back to how they used to be, but it wasn’t until Jongin broke the hug did cruel reality set in again. Nothing was alright. Nothing was okay. Nothing was fine, but what killed Kyungsoo the most was because he didn’t know the reason why. It didn’t matter thought. He smiled and did his best to bite back that ugly feeling he had in the pit of his stomach. He was in front of cameras and people were watching.

“I hate you!”

Kyungsoo just didn’t understand.

Malkom’s Note
…um..what?