To be heart broken was something that every human being should go through, without that knowledge, how can one survive this earth? Though it is pretty ironic for me to say that because heart break feels like you can't even survive it because of the constant tears being shed or the throbbing of your head, trying to forget anything or trying to find what went wrong.

To be in love... It was an honor. To every person I cared for, every person I felt that skip-beat in my heart, I was lucky I was still able to feel it. But of course love has signs to show you that this person was not for you, or that this person never even loved you to begin with. There were few people I shared sacchrine moments with, kissing, hugging, and actually talking about my personal issues or stories, so few were those people that I might have forgotten how to repeat any of the stories I might have shared already, some ranging from my childhood secrets, my adolescent adventures, and my recent habits.

One person I have been recently with, the person that I am still caught up with as of the moment, has completely left me alone here in Seoul. He was heartless, probably in other people's view, he might have been in mine too but I couldn't  say anything bad about him, he had my heart ever since he first insulted the size of nostrils, he was brutally honest and I would simply laugh it off and follow him around college. He wasn't as nice as people would put it but eventually I was able to creep my way into his cute, adorable, yet y-diva side (which I loved very much).

Along the lines of: "Jonghyun-ssi, why do you always follow me?" I actually thought for a heart beat of a second, did I really like that person? Would I continue following him to the ends of the earth? The answer was a simple 'Yes'. That day I confessed.

That person was the song I could sing forever because I would never get tired of his ability to make me smile, blush, aroused, or even cry. That person did mention he loved me... Or was it another dream again? I always waited though I realized he said it first. He and I did many things together that I had never would have thought of, like dying our hairs and travelling the world in a week. We practically had our own bucket list. It was as if we were destined for each other... Then again, haven't I been through this crap before?

I guess I turned oblivious. I grew so tired of heartbreak and starting over, that I didn't always talk about my past just like in my old relationships, instead, I would always cradle him whenever he would tell me his personal thoughts.

One day, he told me he got a new job, he met this co-worker, he was tall and, I quote, "handsome". At first I didn't mind it, but every time he and I return to our apartment, he would always talk about how "Minho was so nice today," or "he bought me lunch," especially when I remembered I made him the first packed lunch I have ever made for him on that one day. Yeah, I stayed home, rotting with my music instead of actually getting a job, so of course I had to sit in for every job activities he might have had to share with me.

I figured it was on one day I would ask him to watch a movie, a date, was all I really wanted. But on that day, my plans were ruined when that person happened to have mentioned "Minho invited me to his game today," right before I got to ask him. I was so ready to flap my already-bought tickets in his face but all I did was kissed him and allowed him to attend that soccer game. I didn't tell him no because it would just show how unloyal I was to prevent him from meeting his friend just because I was jealous.

I watched that movie on my own, sulking the whole time I watched that large screen that was displaying the favorite movie of my beloved. It was funny how he interrogated me about that movie and how long was that arguement we had because he said "That was the movie I was waiting to watch all year!", I couldn't admit my reasons so instead I apologized, meekly, on my knees, causing him to simply cry and crouch to my level and kissed my forehead.

The last straw for him was probably that one friday night. He told me his co-worker was treating him for dinner and I let him with an 'okay' but this time, I accidentally sighed out loud. 

He asked me if I was mad, I assured him it was nothing and repeated my affirmation, then he snaps.

He told me how ignorant I was whenever we spoke to each other, how I never seemed to talked to him anymore. I complied with my defensive actions, I should have known it was wrong to even try because I never won in our arguements. Then he starts crying.

I have seen him cry, he cried many times, almost as much as I have. But for the first time, I saw him cry, sob, and practically bawl about why we were even together. It honestly broke me. I didn't tell him anything because I guessed that this must've been just another bad break up, (like there ever was such thing as a good break up) but when I heard him pour his heart out, every single intake of oxygen he did was blasted out into a cry of sadness. I took his hands that were shielding his reddening eyes, and he just stared at me. He sobbed but he didn't glare or sneer at me, our eyes just met. I still remember that look in your eyes.

You cried your heart out that night. You shouted at me and mixed your panting breath with each phrase, about how much I have ignore or neglected you. But never once have I shouted or hurt you, the only thing I did that night was cry with you. You grew tired of shouting at me and you landed your tired body onto our bed, completely canceling your dinner with Minho.

I did ask if you were still were still in love with me. This time, all you did was ask me the same. I didn't answer. That night, we kissed, we hugged, we touched each other, we made love. That night was just plastered in my memories, like I was traumatized by it. That next morning I was going to tell you that I loved you. That time I wanted to tell you I loved you, desperately so that when I woke up that morning I almost died inside, I just sobbed myself back to sleep on that empty bed.

How long was it since I saw that person? A week? A month? Years? It was roughly 649 days, but who was counting? 649 days since I smelled your hair, 649 days since I heard you call me an idiot, 649 days since I saw your beautiful face. But what I regret the most was that in took me 649 days just to realize; that I should have spoken to you.

It took me this long to realize that, maybe I should have bothered you about that day I had to go to the hospital because I didn't want to eat brocolli and accidentally broke my plate and stepped on the broken pieces. Maybe I should have told you that when I was 16, I did realize my type of partner would be blonde and liked to tease me. Maybe I should have shared my secrets too. Maybe I should have gotten mad on that day Minho invited you to his game and admitted I was very jealous. Maybe I should have watched the movie with you again even if I already did and lie to you about ever watching it. Maybe I should have just told you that I didn't want you to eat dinner with that guy and we could have spent that night together. Maybe if I told you I loved you that night... Maybe if I only did that... You would have stayed. I would have woken up beside you, seeing your blond hair beside my nose and I would sniff you and you'd get mad at me for doing that, just like how you would before.

But that's not it, right?

That day, I frantically searched for you. I even approached Minho, who, until that day, I didn't know was in a relationship with a high school student. That day that person, whom I had loved so much, moved back to Daegu. He left me and disappeared from me like it was all a dream. And here I am, 649 days later, writing a letter to that person who already left for America, leaving me forever. Heartless, I thought. This person didn't even let me think after that night. He abandoned me with a broken heart.

You're probably wondering why the hell I'm writing to you, I don't know either. I don't know why I still can't believe you aren't mine anymore. I remember you said that you wanted to move out of the country just to get married to a guy you loved so so much. I guess I'm not that guy.


But there is something you forgot. I said the same thing to you.

If you are still as smart as I remembered, you'd remember that I was hiding plane tickets from you the week before we broke up.


If you understand this letter... Please tell me you're still the same. Please let me see the reality I wanted. I want to see you again. I guess it would be pathetic if I asked you to give me another chance. I should have written you this 648 days ago while you were still in Daegu...



Sincerely, Jjong.



P.S. You're still wearing those glasses I bought for you, Bummie.

Author notes:

I should have posted this weeks ago (before my hiatus)

anyway, just telling you, I'm still ALIVE and "well"

expectations:

reality:

First week of school and I'm dying

the second week ain't great either

and it Keeps RAINING

I hate the rain

(but I alwasy wish for it to rain so classes will be suspended)

Sorry

but I think I have ombrophobia fear of rain,

but I definitely have astraphobia fear of thunder/lightning

okay....

(I actually wrote a fanfic at school as a SEATWORK >D

My teacher said "write about anything" so I did, and I wrote jongkey, maybe I can post it somewhere ;w;)

currently I'm trying to focus on school (but I'm updating on budding buddies and drawing baekyeol mwahaha)

Thank you for your constant support in my fics (subbies ;w;)

Bye bye <3