Transparent Answer

“I was close to the Answer but I still remained clueless.”

Genre: School Life, Suicide, Romance, Love, regrets

Vocaloid Title: Transparent Answer by IA

 It was a Friday Afternoon when I started to walk towards home. It’s a cold Friday since the season is winter. As I walk towards the corridors, I realize that I left something in the room. I left my scarf in our classroom that’s why I went back to our classroom so that I can get what I left.

When I reach the door of the classroom, I noticed that the door was open. I immediately walk and went inside. I thought that the room was empty but I was wrong. I saw a girl who is crying in silence while she is seated in her proper chair. Jung Hana? Why are you crying?  I asked myself.

Well if you guys don’t know her, she’s Jung Hana. The Most cheerful person in 1A Class. She’s the most problem free in the class and the only person who tried to approach me to be my friend. What do you think is the reason why she is crying? With all honesty, I also don’t have any Idea about it. I never saw her crying before. After a few seconds, I realize that I was standing like a real idiot in the door. I finally snap myself and remembered that I need to get my scarf that was placed in my desk.

I coughed… Trying to get the attention of the lady in silence.

“Hana-shi?”I called out her name.  

I saw her mournful eyes and it made my heart bleed after our eyes met. After seeing me, she smiled and laughed like a real idiot, “Was my acting good? I tried to act like I’m crying because I wanted to audition for the Romeo and Juliet Play.” She laughs as she wipes her tears and her red eyes are more vulnerable.

I sighed in relieve. I thought she has a problem and now I’m happy that it’s was only an act. Also I thought.

She asked me, “Why are you still here? Are you supposed to go home?” She smiles like a child, “A nerd like you should be studying at home so that you can maintain your good grades.” She raised her thumbs up while showing her very cute eye-smile that can brighten everyone’s mood.

Well you heard it right guys, I’m honored student in the class and I’m  always on top. Even though I have good grades in class, my social life is a total zero. My Social life is a total failure. I’m a guy who talks less. Their description about me is “A man of few words”. I always hide my emotion in my very poker face.  I never had a girlfriend before since they thought that I’m just a boring person. The only person who appeared in my life is Hana. The weirdest person I have every encounter in my life.

Sometimes I do encounter some girls murmuring stuff about me. I can hear them whispering, “Too bad, Baekhyun is a nerd. He is really handsome and smart but he seems to be not approachable. If He’s attitude is more like Hana, I think I would fall in love with him. Unfortunately, God is still fair. We can’t have everything.”

“Scarf” I pointed the scarf that was placed in my desk. I immediately get it and faced her with my emotionless expression.

I’m a guy of few words. I don’t like talking too much. People say that I’m a cold hearted guy but to be honest, they don’t know me that much. I don’t want people to know more about me because I don’t want to be vulnerable enough for them. I want to keep my Identity as a mystery. Deep inside, I'm just as warm as everybody.

But there is one girl who keeps on entering my life and I didn’t notice that I was changing…. That I was opening my heart…

“I’ll go home.” I said as I faced her with an emotionless face.

Suddenly I want to ask her something but I was shy enough to ask. My cheeks start to blush, “Do you want to go home with me?” I asked. I was embarrassed. The tone of my voice was awkward and I wasn’t even expecting that it will come out on my own lips. I just wanted to ask her because it’s getting late.

She smiles and said, “I was planning that already! Stop stealing my Ideas!” She jumps and raised her hands in excitement. That night, we shared our way home and I know that I had a friend. I know she was a true friend.

“I was so happy that Baekhyun-kun will send me home!” Hana jumps as she started to walk like a grade school.

Only I thought that my feelings for her were only like that.

During those fleeting days where nothing happens, I was just sitting in my usual seat. I was just sitting while waiting for the teacher to arrive. The rest of the classroom was in mess. Girls are creating group chats while the boys are playing some paper planes.

“This bunch of boys is so immature.” I said as I try to scan my books because I want to study my lessons in advance. I glance at the whole classroom. Things were in mess and everyone seems to be very busy. I noticed that I was the only person who is alone. Everyone seems to get along with people.

I scanned my book. When I started reading it, I felt bored since I have already read this topic last night. I have studied it and the topic looks boring already. I closed the book and took a sighed. I glance at my left seat mate and I saw the seat of Jung Hana. I saw her chatting with everyone.

That smile, those eyes, that aura…. Everything seems to be priceless…

Everything about her looks so cheerful. I was so confident that her life was going so well. I thought she does not encounter problems in life. That’s what I thought it was. However, I made a very big mistake.

Seeing her smile and aura made me half smile. However I see her I see my face can’t stop smiling. What is this feeling? I can’t explain what I feel. This is the first time I’m smiling like an idiot to a person. I was always poker face to everyone. Why does she even place this smile on my lips.

“Hana, why do you always make me smile?” I asked in myself. I touched my chest and I felt that my heart was beating abnormally. I felt that my heart will explode in any minute. I closed my eyes and listened to my heartbeat. Why do I feel thing way? I stop looking at her and think. Why do I think of her every single day? I don’t know the answer. I may be smart but this question is  far harder than answering a calculus equations.

That very moment of my teenage life, I never knew it was love…

When the teacher arrived in our class, she finally returned our Math Exams. I was never excited in the results like any other excelling students. In fact, I never wanted to be a nerd anymore because I wanted to enjoy my life just like any other normal students. I was just forced since my parents are expecting a lot just like any other Asian parents. I just can’t disappoint them.

“Byun Baekhyun, Your test paper is ready to be claimed.” The teacher said.

I stood up and immediately went in front of the class to claim the test paper that our teacher is holding. Once I already claimed it, I immediately return to my proper seat.

I glance at my score and said, “The grade looks fine. I got a one hundred percent.”

This is the usual grade that I always get. On the other hand, I glance at my left side and saw Hana grinning shyly while holding her test paper that looks like she was to crumple it. After seeing her like that, she had a lower grade but at least its passing.

In spite of that thing she remains her positive attitude and smiled back, “There are still next time right?” She giggles as she inserts her test paper in her bag. I feel happy because in spite of the negative things around her she remained happy and cheerful. I want to be like her. She might not have everything but having a great cheerfulness and optimism that’s why she stands out from the rest.

Hana’s been there beside me and she’s the one that brings joy and spice in my daily routine. Way back then, everything was boring but when she entered my life I feel so blessed because God gave me her to feel happy even once in a while. My boring life turned in to a manga scene when she entered my life. It started to be comedy. My boring life is not so dull anymore thanks to this girl who brings smile in my lips.

I know at that time I was confused, Is this love or just normal infatuation?

She’s keeps on teasing me and bothering me with her cuteness and cheerfulness but as time goes by I keep on looking forward to see her and spend my time with her. It became a drug that I can't live without. She’s not my daily vitamins but she's turning into one. She motivates me in my studies and she made me smile like an idiot. What do you think is the reason? I also don’t know. I don’t have any Idea. Is this what they call love?

I think I like her, a lot… NO!

I don’t like her….. Instead…. I love her…

The truth is, that very moment… I never got enough strength to tell you what I really feel.

After the dismissal of our class, I was one of the cleaners of the day so I have to clean up the classroom so that the teacher will not scold us on the next day.

After five minutes, Mostly of the cleaners run away so that they can skip their responsibility in classroom as a student. Only two people out of ten remained in class to clean the room. It was only me and Hana. Both of us started to clean the classroom. Hana cleaned the whiteboard while I was sweeping the floor.

That very moment, I found a right time to confess what I really feel.  I wasn’t planning to clean only the room however I was planning to tell her what I really feel. What my heart keeps on telling me to scream what I feel for Hana in the rest of the world.

After we finished our assigned task, we immediately packed our backs and we are already to leave and go home.

As I saw the sunset, I realize that I’m getting late so I better say it or else I might need to wait for the right time again. Well, it’s my first confession and I want to be the most memorable moment in my life. I didn’t like her because of her physical appearance but I like her because she’s her. God knows my intentions are pure. God knows how much feelings I have for her.

God knows how much I love her…

I tried to start the conversation, “Hana, Are you tired already? I’m so sorry if the other cleaners run away in their own responsibilities. I ask for an apology for their wrong doing.” I shyly grin.

Hana smiled and hit my forehead, “Honor student, you are so formal. We can talk like we’re just hanging out.” She smiled as she grabs something on her pocket. She grabbed some candy and cheerfully gave me a chocolate candy and she placed it on my hand.

I shyly smiled. “Thank you very much!”

“ummm, hana… I have something to tell you.” I started the conversation and hoping it will end positively.

Suddenly her phone rang and she was engaged with a conversation with her friend. After that conversation, she immediately placed her phone in her pocket and said, “By the way, what are you gonna say Baek?”

That very moment, I lost all the strength that I have. I lost my confidence in telling her my confession. It’s better to declaim In front of everyone than confessing her what I feel.

“No, nothing.”

One time as I entered the classroom, I saw the seat of Hana vacant. Is she going to be absent  today? I hope not. Whenever she’s not around, I’m always worried and lonely. I miss her and I want to see her. I was just seating in my desk and doing nothing. I just keep on staring at the empty chair near the window. The reflection of the light was touching the wooden desk of Hana.

I was pretending to read my physics book. The truth is, I was thinking about her. I don’t want her to be absent. It really makes me sad is she’s not here. I glance at my book so that my classmates will not notice that I was waiting for her. My mind is not set for studying because all I think is her right now.

Today, she was absent…

“I was about to say something to her… I hope tomorrow she’ll be on school.” I pouted.

On the next day, I saw an empty seat again. Why is she absent? I’m starting to get worried about her. Why? I asked. I don’t know the reason. Should I visit her at her house, but before deciding about it I saw some girls crying.

The girls are holding a vase filled with fresh flowers and they are mourning. They are crying.

What’s happening, I told myself. Who died? My eyes were enlarging because I was shock. I saw them placing the vase in the chair were Hana is seated. What’s happening? What’s the meaning of all of this?

I asked everyone and I was shock in their answers.

“Hana died yesterday. She took suicide.” The girl cried as she fixed the flowers in the vase.

The made my life ruined. I felt very devastated. I think my heart is going to explode with the truth that faces me. My world subsided. My world turned upside down. A tear fell on my cheeks. I keep on asking myself, “Why?”

Who would expect that a cheerful girl will commit suicide. She seems to be problem free but I was wrong. I never expected her… Why? Why? Why?

Why? I wasn’t able to tell you…..

and now it's too late.

As days goes by, people started to forget about her but for me I always miss her. Her hair, her eyes, her smile and her everything. As I wake up each morning and stop my alarm clock, it just keeps on reminding me that she’s gone. She will never comeback. She completely left me not even saying a proper goodbye.

“That’s just unfair, Jung Hana!” I cried as I stare at her photo in my phone.

“You didn’t wait for me to confess.” I whispered.

This very moment I cried with all of my heart. I want to release all of the pain from my heart. Since no one sees me, I want to cry it all out. I just wanna scream in pain. Jung Hana is just being unfair. She’s just being unfair. Why does she have to leave me in misery… Regrets fill my heart. I have a time to confess my feelings but I wasted it.

Suddenly a memory came out on my mind. I remembered her crying in the classroom and I don’t know the reason why. I have these speculations that it wasn’t acting hence it was her true emotions inside.

I hug myself, "Why didn't I notice that? To all of the problems that I have solved in my entire life this is the only question that still remain unanswered."

I realize that academics can never answer everything. I realize that their is something more than that. Even if I scan and read all of the books in the library, I still can't find the real answer why Hana cried. I just can't find the real reason why.

As the time goes by more truth are revealed. Hana killed herself because she was never okay. She killed herself because she was being maltreated by her step dad. She was being abused and it makes me heart bleed because that stupid guy didn’t even respect the girl whom I love the most.

It was painful but of course I have to let her go….

Justice must prevail….

As years goes by… Justice was serving not only for me but also for Hana…
At that very moment, I was so happy because the justice was given to her already.

Sooner, I have to go and pursue college. I know it's gonna be another world. As years goes by, I know several people forget about Hana but in my heart she will always be having that soft spot in my heart. She was my first love but unfortunately I lost a chance to tell her what I really feel. It's never too late, right?

I took the course Psychology for undergraduate and after graduating my undergraduate course I proceed to Clinical Psychology as my Masteral. My first love became my inspiration to be a psychologist because I want heal people who is experiencing different psychological problems. I know that I wasn't able  save hana before....

but I know it's never too late to save other people's lives. I'm currently a clinical psychologist. I treat people who experiences depressions. I'm happy because Hana thought me a very important lesson that even if I scan and read all the books in the library, I will never find the answer. I would really like to thank hana because I met her. She became my one and only friend, bestfriend, first love.

I may have not tell her what I really feel but I'm still thankful that she gave me a wonderful lesson.

You will always be my first love.. The word forever will always be forever.

"Uncle Baekhyun, That's the story of your first love? Why does it sound so sad." The three year old minah pouted because she felt really sorry for his uncle.

"Okay, sleep now. It's sleeping time. Story telling time is over miah!" He fixed the pillow where the cute girl will sleep.

"Uncle, even though you weren't able to find hana you can still find another girl just exactly like hana right?" The young girl asked an innocent questions.

"In addition, uncle is only in his early twenties so he can't be having a hard time to search for a new girlfriend. Uncle is really handsome too so it's impossible that no one will like you!" The young girl realeased a giggle.

"okay fine... better go to sleep now. I'll talk to you tomorrow again." Baekhyun kissed her forehead and the little girl slowly closed her eyes and quickly fall in to sleep.

"Can I really find a new Hana in my life?" Baekhyun asked as he glance at the picture of Hana placed on his locket necklace.
 

“You might be not on Earth but on other dimension, I still wish you happiness.”
 "I was close to the answer, but I remained clueless."

A/N: Well Hi GUYS! I finished this oneshot already. I hope you guys like it or maybe love it. haha. Well, this story inspired me with the song "transparent Answer" It makes my heart bleed after seeing the music video so I decided to make my own version of its story. I really really like this story. Please do comment so that I know your reactions. You can also check my other fanfics as well. Thank You very much and God Bless us all.