Talking to the moon

            Trying to get to you

            In hopes you’re on the other side

            Talking to me too

            Yongguk meets Himchan on the mountain.

            He’s walking up slowly, taking his time as usual, when he’s stopped in his tracks by the sight of a man who seems to be around his age standing underneath the moon, staring up at the sky with wide eyes and a dropped jaw.

            The man turns around at the sound of Yongguk approaching. “Ah,” He gasps, blinking hard and taking a step away from the edge of the mountain.

            “I’m sorry,” Yongguk is quick to say. “Am I intruding?”

            “No, no!” The man is just as quick. “Please, stay. It’s always more fun to watch the stars shine with somebody else, right?”

            Yongguk is unsure at first whether or not he should turn around and walk back to the company building but he makes up his mind when he sees the man smile a dazzling smile. “Right.” Yongguk smiles back and walks closer to the edge, standing side by side with this really handsome stranger. He is really handsome, from his smile to his hair and everything in between.

            “What’s your name?” The man asks, his eyes never tearing away from the sky.

            “Bang Yongguk,” He replies. “And yours?”

            “Himchan. Kim Himchan. It’s nice to meet you, Bang Yongguk.”

            They stand together in silence, Yongguk watching the moon and Himchan watching the stars. Although they had just met, the silence isn’t awkward at all – Rather, it’s almost comforting. Yongguk figures that Himchan is right: It’s always more fun to watch the stars shine with somebody else (even if Yongguk can’t take his eyes off of the moon instead).

            “Aren’t the stars beautiful?” Himchan asks after who knows how long.

            Yongguk finally looks away to glance over at Himchan. “Yeah, but I think the moon is prettier.”

            “The moon?” Himchan’s eyebrows furrow and he shifts his gaze to the large, full moon hanging above them. “It’s alright, I guess.”

            “Just alright?” Yongguk laughs. “I think it’s the most beautiful thing in this entire world.”

            Himchan smiles again and Yongguk swears his breath almost caught in his throat. “To each their own.”

            Yongguk spends much longer on the mountain than usual. Eventually, the two are lying on their backs beside each other and talking about anything and everything.

            “So, Bang Yongguk, what do you do?”

            “I’m a trainee under TS Entertainment. Ever heard of it?”

            Himchan gasps. “Of course! Secret is under that label, right? I love their music.”

            Yongguk bursts into laughter. “They’re really nice. Pretty, too.”

            “Well, everybody knows that they’re pretty. Tell me more about their personalities off-camera.” Himchan rolls his eyes and nudges Yongguk in the shoulder with his elbow.

            Their conversation carries on throughout the night (the subject drifts away from Secret shortly). Himchan goes on to explain that he’s a student at some fancy music college that Yongguk has never heard of. As it turns out, the two have more in common than they could’ve guessed. Maybe that’s why they’re surprised when they see the moon slowly begin to fall - They got so caught up in their conversations that they didn't notice time quickly passing them by.

            “, I’ve been out here way longer than I should’ve been,” Himchan curses under his breath, jumping to his feet and brushing himself off. “I need to get going. Can I get your number?”

            Yongguk chuckles at how Himchan easily gets to the point. “Sure.” They switch phones and Yongguk types his number into Himchan’s contacts list with a small smile on his face.

            Himchan thanks Yongguk as he begins to walk away. “I’ll text you sometime, alright? Maybe we can meet up back here.”

            “I hope so,” Yongguk says, waving Himchan off while sporting a large smile. “Talk to you later!”

            Yongguk has nowhere else to go and is somehow feeling a bit restless, so he decides to stay on the mountain long enough to watch the sun rise. He thinks the sky is beautiful painted pink and red. The sun rises along with his heart in his shaking chest. For some reason, he feels happy – Happier than he has felt in a long time. That’s funny. He’s not even sure why.

            That happiness carries on throughout the next day and doubles when Himchan texts him asking if they can go to the mountain again in a few nights.

            Yongguk loved that mountain. It was in walking distance from the apartment he currently lived in and it offered an amazing view of the sky. More often than not, on nights when he was bored or lonely or even content with life, Yongguk would sit on top of that mountain and watch the moon rise and fall. The moon was like a friendly companion to him. It listened to his complaints when he was frustrated with his training of the day and it listened to his ramblings when he needed someone to talk to and all of his friends were out partying without him. It was something he could always rely on. Even on the most painful days of his life, the moon would be there at the finish line, waiting for him eagerly.

            The night he met Himchan was the first night Yongguk saw somebody else on the mountain. Even in the day, nobody went near it. Yongguk considered it a pleasant surprise. After all, now he would have something new to look forward to.

            “What’s it like to be under TS?” Himchan asks one night around a piece of chicken. It was his and Yongguk’s second time being together on the mountain and Yongguk decided to bring some food to accompany them.

            Yongguk shrugs nonchalantly. “It’s alright, as far as trainee life goes.”

            “Well, what’s trainee life like?”

            Yongguk takes a moment to think over how the past few months have been treating him. They weren’t the easiest few months, that’s for sure. “It’s pretty hard, but… It’s worth it if you get to live out your dream. I think about my future and suddenly, everything feels alright, even if my body is sore as hell and my throat hurts.”

            Himchan nods slowly. “I see,” He mumbles and takes another bite into his chicken. “What are you going to debut as? A solo artist?”

            “For now,” Yongguk answers. “They said they’re going to put me in an idol group after I release my own single.”

            At this, Himchan grunts, “An idol group? Doesn’t that kind of ?”

            Yongguk shrugs again. “Maybe. It’s okay, though. As long as I get to live out my dream.”

            That night, Himchan comes to find that Yongguk is very passionate about music. Himchan finds it admirable. He thought he was dedicated, but Yongguk seems to be on a totally different level. They’re both able to feel music, though, and that makes Himchan happy in a weird way that he can’t explain.

            “I’m going to head off now,” Himchan says after what seems like hours of talking. “Get some rest, okay? Don’t stay up too late.”

            “Wait.” Yongguk grabs Himchan’s arm as he stands up, almost pulling him down, being rewarded with a scowl from Himchan. “Watch the sunrise with me.”

            Himchan scoffs. “Do you even sleep?”

            “Sometimes,” Yongguk laughs and pulls Himchan back down. “It’s worth it. Trust me.”

            It doesn’t take much more convincing for Himchan to stay. They wait an hour or two longer and then the sky is that pretty color Yongguk loves. Yongguk can’t fight the large smile that creeps onto his face. The sunrise is his new favorite thing. He didn’t watch it very often when he came to the mountain. Usually, he was too tired and would leave after sitting for a few hours, but after meeting Himchan he felt as though he suddenly had a lot more energy.

            “Wow,” Himchan gawks. “It’s beautiful.”

            “Isn’t it?” Yongguk almost feels proud. “I love it.”

            Yongguk figures that Himchan is too wowed by the sight to say anything because, after that, they sit in silence. Yongguk is fine with it, though. Their silences have always been comfortable from the start.

            Two weeks later, Himchan tells Yongguk, “I want to join TS.”

            Yongguk almost chokes on his beer. They’re sitting on Yongguk’s couch in his apartment, watching TV and laughing at the cliché drama playing. “What? Seriously?”

            “Yeah. You make it seem pretty nice, and I’ve always loved music. Maybe being an idol wouldn’t be too bad. I want to be in the group they put you in.” Himchan’s voice is quiet and he’s fidgeting in his seat and Yongguk honestly finds it adorable.

            “I can’t promise anything, but you can always audition. I’ll try to put in a good word, although I don’t know how much help it’ll be.” Yongguk offers Himchan a comforting smile. It was surprising, sure, but he could see Himchan in a KPOP group. He definitely had the face for it.

            Himchan yells in excitement and wraps his arms around Yongguk in a tight hug. “Thank you, Bbang!” Yongguk almost cringes at the use of his new nickname (almost. He actually kind of likes it, but he won’t admit that to Himchan).

            Yongguk can’t help but notice his heartbeat quickening as Himchan’s warm breath fans along his neck. Why? Why was he even acting like this? Himchan shouldn’t have this kind of effect on him.

            But when Himchan pulls away and gives Yongguk the same smile he gave him when they first met, Yongguk becomes breathless and his cheeks begin to redden and he forgets what he was even thinking about two seconds ago.

            Yongguk seems more nervous than Himchan the day that he decides to audition. “It’ll be okay, Bbang,” Himchan tries to calm him down. “Don’t worry about it.”

            “I know, I know,” Yongguk sighs, running his hand through his hair. “I’m sure you’ll do good. If anything, you can convince them to accept you with that pretty face of yours.”

            Himchan hits Yongguk square in the shoulder. “Thanks, but you’re a ,” He laughs, turns on his heels, and walks into the company building, leaving Yongguk chewing on his bottom lip and watching Himchan’s every move anxiously.

            When Himchan walks out of the company building, he’s wearing a bright smile. “I think they really liked me,” He says excitedly, grabbing onto Yongguk’s arm and shaking him around a bit. “You worried for nothing, Bbang.”

            Yongguk cheers and begins to jump around the street with Himchan. “Lets grab some beers and go to the mountain tonight, yeah?”

            “Yeah,” Himchan agrees breathlessly, looking happier than Yongguk has ever seen him. “Definitely.”

            Hours later, they’re sitting on the mountain together, cracking open beer after beer, laughing and enjoying themselves. Each time, they toast to something new, from Himchan’s success in the audition to Yongguk’s album that will be released… Eventually.

            The two lose track of time and, before they know it, Himchan is slumped against Yongguk’s side with a goofy grin. “Thank you, Bbang,” He slurs. Yongguk can smell the alcohol on his breath from beside him.

            “For what?” Yongguk slurs back, looking away from the moon to instead stare at Himchan’s glowing face.

            “For not leaving this mountain the day we met,” Himchan answers.

            Yongguk feels his cheeks redden once again. “Thank you for smiling at me.”

            “What?”

            “Your smile is really pretty, you know,” Yongguk says, and he thinks he would’ve regretted saying it if he wasn’t drunk.

            Himchan begins to giggle and bury his face in Yongguk’s arm and Yongguk knows that his cheeks are bright red by now. “Thanks,” Himchan mumbles against Yongguk’s arm.

            And then, Yongguk stops thinking. He stops thinking about what a great friend Himchan is, he stops thinking about debuting one day, and he stops thinking about the moon in front of them – Instead, he takes Himchan’s face in his hands and kisses him.

            The kiss is warm and sweet and, although Yongguk doesn’t think anything in the world is perfect, it was as close to perfect as anything could get. And, surprisingly enough, Himchan actually kisses him back. That was the best part of the kiss – Not the happiness that rushed through Yongguk when their lips touched or the way he could feel his whole face burn, but the fact that Himchan actually kissed him back.

            When they pulled away, they were both breathless and blushing hard. “I’m sorry,” Yongguk says quickly, covering his face with his hand and refusing to look up at Himchan. “I don’t know why-“

            He’s cut off by the sound of Himchan’s loud laughter. “Why are you apologizing? That was one of the best kisses I’ve ever gotten.”

            Despite his utter happiness, Yongguk wants to disappear. He’s not used to getting butterflies in his stomach or blushing like a teenage girl. He’s not used to a lot of the things Himchan has been doing to him lately, and it’s kind of scary. But he forgets about all of that when their eyes meet again.

            They stare at each other for what feels like an eternity. Yongguk decides that Himchan looks absolutely stunning in every way. It’s not just his smile that’s blinding. Everything about him is perfect and he’s taken aback by it.

            Himchan breaks the stare with light laughter, shoving Yongguk lightly and playfully before turning his gaze to the moon. “Beautiful,” He whispers, and Yongguk almost doesn’t catch it.

            “Yeah,” Yongguk agrees equally as quietly.

            Yongguk is afraid that after the drunken kiss things won’t be the same between him and Himchan, but his fear is quickly killed off when Himchan texts him throughout the following week. Everything is normal. It was as if they hadn’t kissed at all. Yongguk thinks that he should have been worried but, really, he was just relieved that he didn’t lose his best friend. It’s okay if the kiss didn’t affect Himchan at all (even if it affected Yongguk much more than he was willing to admit). Atleast their relationship had stayed the same.

            “I’m in! TS accepted me!” Himchan tells him over the phone at the end of the week. They share excited words and hurriedly decide to get together that night. Yongguk is beaming as he gets dressed and fixes his messy hair. It wasn’t his audition, it shouldn’t mean so much to him – But it did. It made his day as well as Himchan’s.

            The two meet at the mountain, Himchan holding a large tub of chicken. “This time it’s on me,” He explains when he notices Yongguk raise an eyebrow.

            They easily get into their usual position: Sitting and leaning against each other, smiling as happily as could be. They stuff their mouths with chicken and talk about Himchan’s acceptance into the company.

            “I’m debuting in your group, Bbang.” Himchan beams. “It went exactly how I wanted it to. And yes, I do think my face helped me get accepted. Don’t even start.”

            Yongguk erupts with laughter and nudges Himchan’s side. “See? That pretty face can get you anything you want.”

            Their casual talking turns into friendly teasing and time passes as quickly as it usually does when they’re together. Yongguk realizes that night that he’s happiest when he’s with Himchan. The thought makes the tips of his ears burn.

            As the sun slowly begins to rise, Himchan tugs at Yongguk’s arm. Yongguk looks over at him with a puzzled expression. “Bbang, I’ve been meaning to tell you,” Himchan begins with a quiet voice, “About that one night…”

            Yongguk knows what night Himchan is talking about. That want to disappear courses through him immediately. “Look, Channie, I’m sorry. I was drunk and I didn’t know what-“

            Himchan interrupts Yongguk with a quick peck to his lips. If the tips of Yongguk’s ears weren’t burning before, they definitely were now.

            “I told you, it was one of the best kisses I’ve ever gotten,” Himchan says with a grin. “You don’t have to apologize.”

            Oh. Oh. Yongguk opens his mouth and then closes it. He’s completely at a loss for words.

            “What I wanted to tell you,” Himchan says, “Is that we should go out sometime. On a date. As a couple. What do you say?”

            Yongguk’s world turns upside down.

            “I’ll understand if you say no. I still want us to be friends though, okay?”

            Yongguk quickly shakes his head. “No, no, I-“ He can’t seem to form full sentences now. Himchan tends to have that affect on him, he thinks. “I’ll be glad to go on a date with you.”

            Himchan smiles. “Alright then. Next Thursday at eight? I’ll go wherever you want to go, but let’s not have it up here.” He laughs and Yongguk does, too.

            “Alright. Next Thursday at eight.”

            Their date goes great. Yongguk even got a kiss in front of his apartment (okay, maybe it was a bit more than a kiss). Not only that, Himchan decided to make them “Facebook official” that night. Yongguk went to sleep the happiest man in the entire world.

            The next few weeks went great, too. Himchan turned out to be just as supportive and caring as a boyfriend, if not even more so. Yongguk often woke up to good morning texts and, when Himchan spent the night, Yongguk would be greeted in the morning by the smell of food in the kitchen. Yongguk tried to be just as great of a boyfriend. He ran extra errands for Himchan when he was too busy studying for an exam or practicing at the company building. Yongguk even introduced him to Secret, which Himchan was ecstatic about.

            Everything was going great. Yongguk was completely happy in Himchan’s arms and he knew Himchan felt the same. Yongguk had been in relationships before but, compared to his relationship with Himchan, it was perfect (at least, as perfect as anything could get). The only fighting that occurred between the two were innocent pillow fights. Some days, they went to the company building together to practice. Yongguk came to find out that he did exceptionally better with Himchan there to support him.

            “We’re going to make it big, Bbang,” Himchan whispers one night underneath the moon. He was holding onto Yongguk’s hand tight and resting his head on his shoulder. “I can tell. You’re going to live out your dream.”

            Yongguk kissed Himchan’s head and smiled against his hair. “Yeah,” He agreed quietly, “It’s going to happen. It’s really going to happen.” He wrapped his arms around Himchan, pulling him close and letting Himchan get comfortable against him. "Have I ever told you that you're the most beautiful thing in this entire world?"

           Himchan swatted at Yongguk’s arm playfully. “You’re such a sap, you know that?”

            “Only for you,” Yongguk sang and laughed when Himchan hit him again, harder this time.

            They spent the rest of their night kissing under the moon.

            As Yongguk got closer to releasing his single, he began to see cracks in his and Himchan’s relationship.

            No relationship is perfect. Yongguk continuously reminded himself of that as he watched Himchan storm out of their now-shared apartment. Another useless argument. More wasted breath. No relationship is perfect, Yongguk.

            Their arguments were often over very little things: Yongguk forgetting to text Himchan that he’ll be coming home late due to extra practice. Himchan silencing his phone to study for his next exam and missing twelve of Yongguk’s calls. Things that were so simple, yet caused so much pain between the two. It was ridiculous, but it was even more ridiculous that some of those little things infuriated Yongguk, too.

            Most of their arguments ended with Himchan storming out and Yongguk breaking something nearby, whether it be a cup sitting on the table or a pot with flowers planted inside it (“They’ll make the place look prettier,” Himchan had said when he first laid eyes on it). Himchan would spend all night driving around town, pop into the apartment to get dressed and ready for the day, then leave for the company building or his college’s campus. Yongguk would spend all night curled up under his covers crying and then slowly and groggily get cleaned up in the morning. 

            It became a weekly routine. It began happening once a week, and then twice a week, until they hardly saw each other at all. Yongguk cherished the rare moments when they were actually happy with each other. When they were happy it felt as though everything was well again, as though there would never be another argument and they would spend the rest of their lives together. But when they were angry at each other it felt as though everything was against them and it would be the end. It never was, though – Not when Himchan came home the next evening apologizing profusely and kissing Yongguk everywhere he could reach and Yongguk pulling him into their bedroom.

            Yongguk aches for the time when they could get through a week with only smiles and laughter. All of their good memories began to get clouded by the bad ones being made daily. He wonders what happened to make them become how they are now. It was as if suddenly, they were unhappy with each other and lashed out for it. Why? When? How? It was a mystery to Yongguk, but that didn’t stop him from breaking the nearest object after watching Himchan slam the apartment door shut behind him.

            Yongguk will never forget one certain night.

            “You just don’t care anymore,” Himchan yelled, tears threatening to fall down his cheeks. “It’s only music to you now. I’m nothing to you, right? Right?”

            “You don’t understand,” Yongguk yelled in return, his hands balling up into fists, gritting his teeth. “You just don’t ing get me, Himchan.”

            “What is there to get? That you love music more than you could ever love me? Because I know that, Yongguk. I know damn well.”

            Yongguk was just about to retort when he saw Himchan grab the car keys and his jacket and ran out of the apartment, not even bothering to close the door behind him. That was how Yongguk knew tonight was different. Usually, when they got into an argument, Himchan would make a much bigger deal out of it. He would glare at Yongguk as he grabbed the keys and he would spit out an insult before slamming the door. That was why Yongguk simply stood there, feeling empty and alone and more lost than ever. Something about tonight was off.

            Himchan cursed under his breath as he sped up. He didn’t care if he was passing the speed limit – He was on an empty road, anyway. Nobody would catch him. He attempted to take out all of his anger on the road, flying down it as tears streamed down his face. He didn’t care if he looked like a mess. He didn’t have anybody to impress anymore. He was done with Yongguk. He was done with their relationship. He was sick and tired.

            Everything was different now and he absolutely hated it. He hated what they became and he hated how every night left a new scar on his heart. This was it. This was the last time he would have to deal with it. This time, when he got back to the apartment in the morning, he would leave a note for Yongguk explaining that they were through, he would go to the company building and tell them that he was quitting, and he would live on his college’s campus. Yongguk didn’t need him, anyway. Yongguk didn’t need him in order to debut and he didn’t need him in order to live a happy life. He had become useless to Yongguk and he was tired of hanging around for no damn reason.

            As he sped through Seoul, Himchan thought about their past. He thought about the drunken nights they spent together and the first kiss they shared on one of those nights, he thought about getting accepted into TS Entertainment, and he thought about the mountain.

            The mountain. He would pass by it soon. He would pass it and he would continue driving. It would be a representation of the ending of their relationship, Himchan decided. He sped up in an attempt to get it over with – Because, even though their relationship had come to an end, he still loved Yongguk.

            He still loved Yongguk. He would always love Yongguk. No matter the pain or the arguments or the thousands of scars left on his heart, he would love Yongguk until the day he died.

            As the mountain came into sight, Himchan stared. He stared at it and he stared at the moon. And then he sped past the red light, he let one more tear fall from his eyes, and-

            Bang!

            No. No, no, no. Himchan stopped staring. He stopped thinking. Where was he? Why was he in so much pain?

            He slowly opened his eyes and saw the crashed car across from him. He let out a long sigh and felt blood drip from the corner of his mouth. Oh. A car crash. He was on his side. His car was wrecked. Oh… No. No.

            The stranger who had hit him bounded up to him, a panicked look spread along his face. He was saying something – Himchan knew this, but he couldn’t seem to hear him. No. He couldn’t hear much of anything aside from the dull buzzing in his head. No. He stared up at the man, and then-

            The moon. Himchan looked past the stranger and up at the full moon hanging in the night’s sky. It was beautiful. The moon had always been beautiful, but Himchan had never known until he met Yongguk. Yongguk told him that the moon was beautiful and, suddenly, he could tell. How had he not known before?

            A small smile slowly crept onto Himchan’s face. Thank you, Yongguk. Thank you for showing me just how beautiful the moon is. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for not leaving the mountain the first day we met.

            Himchan died that night bloody, bruised, and scarred – But smiling and in love nonetheless.

            Yongguk sat on the couch with his head in his hands. He had called Himchan countless times but he had never picked up. The strange feeling in his gut only grew larger with each time Yongguk hung up and called again. In an attempt to get his mind off of everything, he the TV. Maybe something interesting would be on. Maybe he would watch TV all night and when Himchan came back to get ready for the day he would apologize and try to make everything better.

            He needed to make everything better. The last thing he wanted was to lose Himchan. When Himchan came back in the morning, he would do whatever he could to make Himchan see that Yongguk knew he was in the wrong and he wanted to make it right. Yongguk reached for the remote with a shaking hand. 

            The flashing lights of police cars and ambulances on TV caught Yongguk’s eye. He watched as a reporter explained a car crash that had just happened moments ago. This definitely was not helping Yongguk feel any better. Just as he was about to change the channel, something caught his eye.

            Was that… Himchan’s car?

            No. No, no, no. Yongguk’s heart dropped to his stomach and the feeling in his gut took over him completely. Tears welled up in his eyes as he watched the camera zoom in on the car.

            And then he saw Himchan – Bloody, bruised, and scarred.

            Yongguk knew pain. He felt pain throughout his entire life. He felt pain after a long day in the company building and he felt pain every time that he argued with Himchan. But the pain that took over Yongguk now was completely unbearable. He fell from his couch and sat on the floor, hunched over and sobbing. No.

            There wouldn’t be a next time. There wouldn’t be a chance for Yongguk to make things better. Himchan wouldn’t walk into the apartment the next morning and Yongguk wouldn’t be able to apologize. 

            Yongguk sat down on top of the mountain and stared up at the moon. For some reason, it wasn’t as beautiful tonight. It didn’t amaze him or make him happy. Instead, he simply sat there feeling hollow.

            “Hi, Channie,” Yongguk began slowly and quietly, his eyes never leaving the moon. “I just wanted to visit. Maybe watch the sun rise.

            I miss you so much, you know? I miss you so much that it hurts. Nothing is the same anymore without you. I’m not the same and neither is my life. You really completed me. You made everything worthwhile. Every day was perfect because of you – Even on days when we fought.”

            Yongguk gave a small smile, but it didn’t have any real feeling to it. “About the fights: I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. If I could go back in time I would stop it from happening. I was so stupid to let us be torn apart like that. I hate myself every day for it. I wish that I had stopped you from leaving the apartment one day and just apologized. I could have made it better. I could have saved your life.

            I left TS, you know? I didn’t want to be there anymore. I couldn’t stand to be in there without you beside me. I wasn’t happy there anymore. But it’s okay. I’m still going to live out my dream. I’m going to continue doing music and I’m going to make you proud up there. I promise.

            Thank you, Himchan. Thank you for being with me. Thank you for loving me and showing me what love is. Thank you for being here, on the mountain, the day that we met. Thank you for teaching me that it’s always more fun to watch the stars shine with somebody else. Thank you, and I love you.”

            Yongguk sat in silence for the rest of the night and he could have sworn that he actually felt comfortable. That was how he knew that Himchan was there with him and that Himchan had heard everything. And that made him happy - Happier than he could ever remember being.

            He watched the sun slowly begin to rise and the sky turn the beautiful shades of pink and red. And then he stood, and he left.

            It was Yongguk’s first time leaving the mountain without Himchan in a very long time.