Missing wings

final;

If I don’t catch up, you’ll fly away from me

Tendrils of smoke curl up towards the ceiling in twisting, serpentine formations. Baekhyun takes a deep drag from the foil and lets the tangy fumes invade his body, feeling it spreading and tearing down all his walls. It’s slow but then there is the steady rush of euphoria that infects his veins as the damns crumble until it engulfs him. Intensifying, overwhelming, and not unlike flying.

It’s always about flying, Baekhyun thinks, the taste of autumn lacing the ride into memory. Flying and chasing dragons.

Autumn was gorgeous that year, all the gold and crimson confetti thrown in the kaleidoscope. But Baekhyun didn’t have eyes for it.

He huddled underneath a tree, knees to forehead and hiccupping, and trying to make his eleven-year-old body as small as possible.

The phantoms of his parents’ screams echoed on the whooshing wind. It was all wrong. Mommy and Daddy loved each other, right? Why were they doing this? Why were they fighting?

Maybe he was being a bad son. This thought brought the tears streaming even harder. What was he doing wrong? Maybe he wasn’t good enough. Maybe if he was as smart as Junmyeon or as athletic as Minseok, they would love him more. Maybe—

“Whoa!”

Baekhyun looked up, his tears stopping momentarily in his shock. There was a boy with short black hair standing in front of him, a hand much larger in proportion to his body over his heart.

“You scared me, I—” But he stopped abruptly when he saw the puffy eyes and red nose. “Why are you crying? Did someone hurt you?”

Wiping his nose on his sleeve, Baekhyun just looked away.

There was a rustle and the boy sat down beside him, playing with the fallen leaves, letting them tumble from in between his fingers like sand. Though nothing was said, it was easy to read the unspoken words.

Don’t worry, I’m here for you

As the comfortable silence stretched longer, Baekhyun slowly unfurled himself from his ball, calm in this unnamed boy’s presence.

“Hey doesn’t this leaf look a dragon’s fire?” The boy asked after a while, turning to show Baekhyun his side profile and places the leaf beside his open mouth. “Rawr, I’m Chanyeol the fire dragon. Fear me!”

A laugh at his ridiculousness broke from Baekhyun’s mouth before he could stop it. Immediately self-conscious, he hid it behind his hand.

But Chanyeol wasn’t paying attention. “Wow,” he said in awe. “You look so much better smiling. Hold on.” Before Baekhyun could protest, the younger reached over and stuck the leaf behind Baekhyun’s ear, a contrast to his black hair and a match to his flushing cheeks.

“There,” the younger said with a self-satisfied nod. “Red’s such a nice color. You should wear it more. It suits you.”

Baekhyun’s blush was blushing then so he just ducked his head.

“Oh yeah,” Chanyeol said after a moment, looking over. “What were you sad about again?”

Baekhyun gazed into those bright eyes for a moment and smiled.

“It’s ok,” he said. “It doesn’t matter anyway.”

And it wasn’t a lie.

The windstorm of ecstasy calms to smooth breeze. Baekhyun rides it with ease, gliding on the total lack of pain, absence of care. To him, when there is no pain, there is heaven, or as close as he can get anyway. He finds it there, in this stillness, drifting among the clouds, his beaten wings spread and steady.

Their years together moved on like the seasons. Soon, they were in high school and closer than ever. Three changes occurred during this time.

First, Baekhyun dyed his hair red and began to pay attention to his looks, much to Chanyeol’s amusement. He would never admit that it was because of Chanyeol. Not aloud at least.

Second, said boy became a man, shooting up like a weed and his voice dropping to a deep base that rumbled like thunder. But the fun-loving boy was forever immortalized in the overgrown body and luckily most found it endearing.

Finally, somewhere in the continued late night talks and laughs, Baekhyun fell even deeper in love with Chanyeol.

They sat there that afternoon in silence, staring at each other over mocha lattes with Baekhyun’s announcement of I’ve become a model hanging heavily in the air and almost tangible. But it’s not supposed to be this way. It was supposed to be a happy occasion, silence born only of surprise and delight, not like the death declaration that seemed to suspend over their heads.

“What’s wrong?” Baekhyun asked, unnerved by the younger’s silence.

Shaking from his thoughts, Chanyeol just waved a hand and tried a smile, saying “Oh, it’s nothing. Good, for you, Baekhyun.”

But the older’s fine eyebrows only furrowed closer.

“I… I just didn’t know you were into that, you know, modeling and stuff,” Chanyeol admitted. “I just wish you could’ve told me first. But it’s ok.” He got up and pulled Baekhyun into a warm hug. “You’ve always been able to take care of yourself.”

Baekhyun barely heard it. All he heard were Chanyeol’s words a few weeks back.

That was the third girl this month that you rejected. Spill it, Chanyeol. What’s your ideal type?

Go away, Jongin, I don’t wanna talk about it

Baekhyun tried to seem disinterested but he couldn’t help eavesdropping.

C’mon! Is it the studious type? Or the model type?

Fine! Someone small and cute. Happy?

I remade myself, Baekhyun thought then, burying his face into Chanyeol’s oblivious embrace. Just to your liking. Why, why, why? Why is it still not good enough?

But Chanyeol’s smile and hug was enough to change his life, Baekhyun took what he could get.

***

Modeling was not a forgiving lover and Baekhyun suddenly found himself groping for the time that slipped away like snow in his hands – only there long enough feel the bite of cold before melting away. Inevitably his time with Chanyeol lessened as well, leaving him trying to catch smoke.

Finally, graduation came. For Baekhyun, it all passed in a blur of congratulations and the un-heard hopes for future contact because he was searching only for thing. It wasn’t until the end when he picked out that characteristic brown hair from the crowd.

“Chanyeol!”

Their eyes met and Baekhyun saw surprise then a glint of hope in Chanyeol’s eyes. He knew they were both waiting. His grip around the bouquet shook a little. He just had to say something, anything. Anything to make up for lost time and everything ok again but—

“Chanyeol!” Jongin called from behind the younger, waving.

And Chanyeol turned away—but not before Baekhyun caught a flash of disappointment and sadness.

Just like that Chanyeol slipped away from in between his fingers again. Baekhyun was left standing there, tears decorating the un-given flower petals, wondering how many more times he would be left behind.

But the peace before is terribly deceiving. It hits like a desert storm—hard, harsh, and leaving him panting and battered. His throat is drought-dry yet tears slip from his eyes. Rasps heave his sweat-slick body and his whole world comes crashing down.

After graduation and the obligatory Which university did your friends attend talks, it was a long time before Chanyeol’s name returned to Baekhyun’s life.

In that time, he had ascended to the head of his agency. It came easily to him. People told him he was charismatic. He just considered himself someone who knew what he wanted and would do what he could to get it.

It came back up one day, just in passing.

“Park Chanyeol? Yeah, that model who’s friends with that dancer?”

“Yeah, I heard he’s gorgeous.”

Baekhyun’s heart lifted for the first time in god knew how long. It was a sign from the heavens. If it was meant to be, Chanyeol would come back to him. All the signs were there.

Sehun came to him. His intentions were clear the moment he leaned down to kiss Baekhyun, but the latter pulled away. Chanyeol was in sight, he couldn’t be giving into those ways again – sleeping around like it was nothing.

“ off, Sehun.”

“You’re as cold as ever,” the younger sneered. “You never let anyone in.” His arm slipped around the older’s waist and he whispered the next words. “It makes me wonder if you’ve ever loved or been loved.”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Don’t be like that. Why not give me another chance—”

“No.”

Sehun’s eyes immediately steeled and, letting without another word, stalked away. And Baekhyun watched him go without a twinge of regret.

There was a legend that a bird, if it had been touched by a human, the touch would linger and the bird would be rejected by its kind. For Baekhyun, there was only ever one. If he was to become to a cast-off in order to have Chanyeol, then nothing else mattered.

***

It should be me

As he rushed blindly down the street, bumping into people, Baekhyun tried to bite back the bile rising in his throat. The discontent boiling inside him that made his insides crawl. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end.

The vision of Chanyeol with his long fingers laced through another's, everything about him glowing, burned in his vision that even if his eyes couldn't see, it would never be erased from his memory.

It was all wrong because

“Kyungsoo.”

Because, in the end, after all the tears and sweat and chasing, it wasn’t Baekhyun’s name that Chanyeol whispered in the grey areas between 7:24am and 7:24pm. It wasn’t Baekhyun being enfolded by strong arms and pulled into a stronger hold. It wasn't Baekhyun's lips that met full ones.

It was Kyungsoo.

What did he have that I don’t have? I remade myself for you, I gave you everything.

Why

Why

Why?

Why is it still not good enough?

Everything spins. His head, his whole world, his entire life and out of control.

Through the haze of pain and strained muscles, Baekhyun s around and manages to grab Chanyeol's box. It must be in there, the only thing that will ensure that Chanyeol will be and stays his. He starts searching around frantically. He doesn't care that he is ripping some of them, scattering them about him like autumn leaves around him.

Then he finds it. The pages. He holds them with hands shaking.

This is it. This is the answer to everything, to all his problems. He will have everything… and everything will be okay… and he will be okay… 

RIIP!

The shreds scatter, carried by the breeze. As Baekhyun watches the remains of work disppear into the city below, he reaches and holds the thing that had started it all.

The leaf, dried out long ago, crumbles to ashes in his hands, lost in the wind.

And Baekhyun would never know that Chanyeol had never meant for Kyungsoo to see the missing pages.

It was the only thing that fell right into place.

Kill me with my own love,

leave out my body for the world to see

Kill me so that you would know,

that you were the only one who held the key

A/N:  Baekhyun is a heroin addict.

Heroin can be injected into the bloodstream or rolled up in aluminum foil and smoked or “chasing the dragon.” There are three stages in a heroin high: the initial rush where you experience happiness or absence of pain, tranquility when you are relaxed, and withdrawal where your body reacts negativity as the drug wears off.

And that concludes this series! Thank you so much for all the people who have supported me, whether you where here to see the atrocity that was the beginning or coming along at the end.

I've been asked if I would be doing a Jongin POV as well. I'm at a no right now, but I am open to persuasion ;)

Anyway, thank you so much for reading to the end~ <3 

/throws confetti and kisses