The next morning being faced with the awkward , pitiful , somewhat sad looks that they gave me when they thought I was not looking confirmed to me that Yunho has told them about the other night …I tried to ignore it and just act normal …

to normally brush yunho's concerned eyes and hands and min's worried looks from time to time …to ignore the way Yoochun had those teary glassy eyes when he looked at me and the way Junsu was always interested in the floor whenever our eyes met …but by noon I reached the end of my rope when the manager whispered to me :
"you ok jae?"
"YES IM OK WHY WON’T I BE OK? JUST BECAUSE SOME CREEP TOUCHED MY I SHOULD BE NOT OK? "
The manger gave me a shocked look and I think he thanked god we were in the dressing room and no one can actually hear my outburst then he said in a calm voice:
'' I was worried about you but hey you don’t seem edgy or nearly crazy at all so I should rest assured "
I looked around at the boys shocked faces, let out a deep sigh then said:
"look you guys ..things like that happen …yesterday I was scared and mad and all that jazz and its normal to be like that after what happened but its not normal for you guys to act around me like this "
Yunho opened his mouth but I shushed him and continued:
"I know you guys are worried and I understand that …I would probably feel the same if any of you encountered what happened to me but and this is a big but …I’m fine..If you guys kept acting like this I will lose it...your actions though sweet and lovely and I love you guys for it but it is making me remember what happened and I really don’t want to …so if we can just put it behind us and just move on ok ?"
Yoochun let his tears fall then he wiped them and nodded ,junsu smiled at me looking at me in the eyes ,min gave me that unique min smile that I missed so much and Yunho looked me straight in the eye and said :
"well we have a performance to do right ? "
We all nodded and things got back to normal very soon...singing, dancing, sweating, chocking for a breath, laughing …we were just us on stage...just the five of us …and that was the thing I missed most …maybe I missed more than yunho's kisses even …
Few days passed by and I couldn’t pick my plan B …I knew what I could try but I didn’t know where to start …the things that Yunho loved about me are a lot actually when I listed them …look I’m not being cocky they really were a lot and I didn’t know what to pick next …until few days later before a performance I was in the dressing room alone drinking some water and practicing the moves that were so familiar yet so out of my system when I felt a pair of hands on my waist and I screamed …I actually SCREAMED and panicked and felt as if I was chocking till the person turned me around and it was Yunho ..I hit his chest and pushed him away then leaned on the table burying my head in my hands …yunho was standing there like a statue for a minute then he cleared his throat and said:
"you just moved in the wrong direction so I tried to correct your movement "
I glared at him from above my shoulder and hissed:
"you could have knocked or talked not just grab me from behind like a ..Like a …damn it Yunho "
I could actually see the wheels turning in yunho's head through his eyes which by the second minute widened and he showered me with sorrys that I’m sure he meant  ...
I tried to relax abit and will my heart to beat normally again then said:
"its ok stop the words vomit that is my job …I get it Yunho …I’m sorry I over reacted "
" no you didn’t …I’m sorry it’s all my fault ..If I was with you that day and if I was more careful with how I acted...if I –"
"didn’t you hear me the other day Yunho? I told you guys to let go of it …I’m fine you just surprised me and yes I need a bit of time to get used to being grabbed from behind without jumping out of my skin but that is normal too …"
"still I should have-"
"you are not my knight Yunho neither do I need one …just cause a creepy guy did that it doesn’t mean I am a girl or that I would be scared all my life …its like if I had a car accident ..it wouldn’t have been your fault and I would be scared of the roads for a while and that is normal …so please stop with the ifs because IF you were with me in that time things might have turned ugly and IF you start acting around me weirdly again I ASSURE YOU things will get ugly "
Yunho stared at my glaring eyes for a while then he smiled looking down at his feet and said :
"you know jae *looking up* I have always admired that about you"
"that?"
"You …you look like a girl soft and sweet and feminine but you never fail to remind me how much of a man you are …. You are strong and manly and even though others might mistake you for a girl I know exactly how much of a man you are "
I felt my lower lip trembling and I caught it in my teeth …god yunho you have no idea what your words do to me …
I was about to answer something cheesy when it hit me …that is one of the things Yunho admired (his way of saying loved) about me …this …yeah Yunho hates when a guy acts too feminine and he actually said to me many times that though I act like the mother of the group and I cook and my face looks like a girl I am never someone to act like a girl and I never fail to remind him that I’m a man …one of the reasons why I started acting like a girl on stage in my pathetic attempt to draw a reaction out of Yunho …
Somehow along the line of my thoughts I started to remember things I didn’t want to remember and my face started to show the anger that was bubbling inside of me…
Yunho gulped and said:
"jae ..?"
I glared at him for a second then I dropped my eyes down and up again and said :
"we will be late …lets go "
And we walked together to the stage to join the other members …a smirk was decorating my face and from the look I got from Yoochun it didn’t slip by him like it did by everyone else …but who cars ….I finally decided what I have to do to make Yunho lose that 'admiration' he had for me …
Next day I called my sister first thing in the morning and asked her to bring me few things …she almost chocked when I told her the things I wanted but she didn’t say no to me …I guess sometimes having your sister being convinced that you are gay before you yourself know you are can help sometimes …
Today we had the day off mostly till around 7 pm when we had to go to some party …usually they only let Yunho go but today they wanted us all to go for some reason …
I remember the party ..I remember being on the receiving end of some dirty looks from some of the big shot old men that were in the party and I remember avoiding it all and running to the balcony spending the whole night there till Changmin finally noticed and came to check on me and by that time I was almost sleep …I remember the long lecture from the manager and the way MR.lee almost slapped me for acting like an idiot child …
I was pulled out of my thoughts by the sound of the doorbell and I ran to it receiving the box and signing for it quickly … Junsu asked about the box and I answered with a simple :
"family"
He nodded and the rest of the guys showed no more interest …I guess at that time we were not close enough to go through things that were family related ..As long as that box was from my family they had no business knowing what is in it or why it was sent but if it was from fans...now that is another completely different story …
I went to the bedroom ,locked the door behind me and quickly and excitedly opened the box ..My sister is surely quick when she wants to be...
In the box I found all I needed …all the things I asked for …I was not going to go over board and totally cross dress or something hahhahahah that would have been funny though...but anyway my plan was simple... the way I acted took years for them to accept and I dropped it at them on drop at a time but this time im going to go all kim jaejoong on them in one day and show Yunho how much of a girl I can be …more than I would actually be but who cares …the most important thing is for me to take that admiration he has for me and throw it in a big trash can …

I walked out of the bedroom and headed to the kitchen …I had a pink hello kitty hair clip in my hair .. and a big white see through sweater that is dropping from one shoulder , pink boxers and a pair of white socks on …not to forget the black kohl , bb cream and lip-gloss ..

The first one to see me was changmin and the poor kid spread the milk he was drinking all over the table and chocked ..i ran to him giving him few accurate hits on his back till he got his breathing back under control then he said looking at me with huge shocked eyes :

“hyung what are you wearing ?”

I raised an eyebrow at him and said :

“my clothes “

“your clothes ??”

I looked behind me to see yoochun frowning at me from behind his book ..i sighed and said :

“yes my clothes …my sister just sent me some of my clothes and I wore them what is the big deal anyway ?”

“you are sure she sent you your clothes and not hers ? and whats with the hair clip ?”

I glared at yoochun then noticed yunho sitting next to yoochun looking at me …I focused on him and said :

“you have something to say yunho ?”

Yunho shook his head and said :

“I don’t see what is wrong with your clothes either “

Then he looked back at the magazine in his hand and continued reading …damn it

Why ? why didn’t he react like the others ? why did he act like this is the most natural thing for me to wear around the house ? well it is now ..in the future …but it was not in the past ..now …

I sighed ..ok maybe he is acting like this because we fought a lot lately and he doesn’t want to make me more mad ..i took a deep breath and said :

“I will go make breakfast now “

I continued on my way to the kitchen and started making breakfast ..this is not working …I should act more girly …this is not enough ..so what if I wore this clothes …in the future yunho saw me wearing them a million times already ..its not such a big deal …but I don’t want to go over board …but it is the plan and I am the one who picked it so I should stick to it and do whatever it tak-..

While I was debating with my self I noticed a cockroach near the oven and all my movement stopped to a halt ..cockroach ..cockroach …

I was going to go out slowly and call one of the guys to kill the damn disgusting little thing when suddenly a smile spread on my face and I took deep breath then let out a loud girly scream and ran out of the kitchen …

In few seconds yunho was standing beside me trying to calm me and ask whats wrong ..i looked up at him with big teary eyes and said :

“co..coc..*fake sniff* COCKROACHHHHHHHHH”

Yoochun who was standing behind yunho dropped his magazine on the floor and his jaw almost followed …junsu who just got out of the bathroom stared at me for few seconds then let out his famous laugh and said :

“hyung what the hell are you wearing ? and was that you screaming ??? I thought some fangirl got into our apartment “

I glared at junsu only to be reminded by changmin about the cockroach when he said :

“where was it hyung ?”

I clung to yunho and pointed behind me while squeezing my eyes shot and said in a shaky voice :

“ki-kitchen..oven “

Changmin adopted this knightly walk and entered the kitchen then after few minutes he got out of it smiling a big smile and holding a slipper in his hand then said :

“done ..i declare the kitchen a safe zone for making breakfast”

I let go of yunho and smiled at changmin then walked to him ,kissed his cheek and said :

“thank you my handsome knight you get the biggest breakfast  today “

Changmin’s face was red for a minute then he caught what I said about the breakfast and he cheered while pushing me to the kitchen to continue making him the monstrous breakfast I promised him ..

Breakfast passed normally ..well as normal as any day anyway but what caught my attention the most is that there were no more comments on how I was dressing or on the screaming accident ..

After breakfast we sat in the living room mostly staring into space then yoochun said :

“I cant take this anymore “

Yunho nodded and junsu said :

“ we should do something ~”

Changmin looked up from his school books and said :

“im not bored”

Yunho and yoochun gave him a look that made him look down at his books and ignore the rest of the conversation ..

I smiled at the scene … you guys don’t have a clue ..few years ahead and you would beg for a half day of free time..but right now we were still in the start of the road and we were excited and hot blooded and couldn’t keep our asses stuck to the chair more than an hour …

Yunho said :

“how about we go practice the dance routine ?”

Yoochun dropped his head on the table and said :

“we know that like the back of our hand and not all of us enjoy dancing as much as you do ..next idea PLEASE~”

Junsu said (as expected):
“lets play-“

“NO”

He looked at us and said :

“I didn’t say anything yet “

Yoochun said :

“no football “

Junsu pouted and we all laughed …just when I was about to say something the door bell rang and in came the manager and the make up and clothes staff ..yunho said :

“what is all this hyung ?”

“for today’s party ..all of you going and all of you should look great and that means we should start now “

“but we don’t need all tha-“

“we do “

He said that to yunho then looked at me and I knew what he wanted ..he said :

“jae ..we are thinking of trying a new style of hair for you ...go with jin ..”

I nodded and jin smiled at me then bent to my ear and said :

“talked to the company ..today your style is up to me “

I smiled and nodded ..i remember before I opened my big mouth and flirted with jin that the company that day made my hair brown and gave it that girly hairstyle …wonder if what I did would effect the hair style ….if he made my hair pink im going to kill him and no one is stopping me  ..

I left the guys and went with jin to the bedroom where two other females were waiting for me …from the talk and what they showed me I had to laugh cause honestly seems like I just pushed the triangle hair style abit earlier …without the hair sticking out on the side though ..i hated that hair needle thing …

From what I understood our styles for tonight are temporary so the hair dye and all just one night thing …it kind of relived me cause if I changed history by some flirting it would be bad …no ?...well except yunjae history ..that I have to change …

The make up, the hair extensions ..they even painted my finger nails ..it was not like the black nail polish I used in my solo album no it was just some transparent polish to give my hands a shine …I like it …I always liked this kind of nail polish …

they made me wear this tight black leather pants which is totally my style by the way and black shirt with a necktie which was decorated by diamonds …not to mention the boots …the boots were just love at first sight to me and I knew that I would flirt with jin hell I would even kiss him to keep those boots …anyway by the time we finished all that it was already 6 pm …I KNOW ~ its not easy to be pretty ..write that note down cause you sure need to know it …

When I got out of the room I was actually feeling shy … my head kept wondering how yunho would react to how I look and if he would like it and in the same time I was mad at my self for caring then I debated that I cared because he wont like it since I am dressed like a girl with a make up like a girl and that would go with my plan …to be honest my head was  a mess and I knew I was trying to fool myself which I was failing in a big deal ..

The first thing I heard was a whistle and that was from the manager but other than that …nothing …

I looked up slowly and met the eyes of a surprised junsu, a smirking \liking  yoochun ,an ‘o’ing changmin and a …omg I know that look …I know that look all too well …dumb struck\ amazed\ aroused \ daydreaming  jung yunho …

Why ? ..why is he looking at me like that ??? why ??...when I wore those clothes and looked like this in triangle he made fun of me and called me princess for days before he started complementing my soft skin as a way of saying sorry to the jerky way he acted …so why ??

Then my eyes drank how he looked ..the hair color the face the clothes …I stared at him and he stared back and I could feel the way my face was heating up and I prayed to god I was not blushing though I was 99 percent sure I was …

Yunho then cleared his throat and said :

“well you look good jaejoong ..it suits you …”

“yeah it does ..maybe we should try that as his next look “

I heard the manager saying that but my eyes were stuck on yunho ..he was staring at me with the  intensity I missed for a while now …he walked to stand next to me , his lips and said :

“you really do look good jae … you should consider growing your hair longer “

I was hearing his words but barely because my heart beat was way louder than his voice ..i wanted to reach for him ..hug him or kiss him ..i missed him and no matter what I say or pretend to think I cant deny how in love I am with him …

Maybe this plan is a bad idea ..maybe I should try for us to stay together as five rather than us not being lovers …I cant not be with him …I love him so much and he ..he loves me too right ? even if I unloved him he would still love me right ? so the plan wont work …maybe I -…

Ring  ring ring ..

Yunho rubbed the back of his head and reached for his pant pocket pulling out his mobile ..

“hello”

Yunho smiled while shuffling his feet then said :

“I missed you too honey ….”

I raised my eyebrow only to remember …his damn girlfriend …oh god how did I forget her ??? his damn good for nothing cheating stealing two faced girlfriend !!...

“im sorry honey but today we have a party to attend so I cant ~”

I scoffed and dropped my self on the nearest chair watching his troubled face …yeah poor girl~ she wont be able to steal your money today …aughh I hate her …

“I promise I will make it up to you baby ok ? oppa is really sorry “

Yoochun sat on the chair next to mine and whispered :

“hi pretty …you are making a scary face there so lighten up or mister perfect here would notice you are in love with him “

My head turned in yoochun’s direction so fast I felt like I broke my neck in the process and he just laughed and said :

“you are not as discreet as you think you are ..it’s written all over your face you know ..your love for him is too powerful that it made me give up “

This made me stop and stare really …give up ? ..

Yoochun patted my shoulder and said :

“we will talk tonight ok hyung ? but for now wear that beautiful smile of yours and don’t let him notice the jealousy that is eating you up “

Yoochun got up and walked to the manager to talk with him while my eyes dropped to my lap …I am that obvious huh ?...and above that.. made him give up ? did I understand that in the wrong way ? …

A lot of things were swimming in my head when I suddenly heard manager yell:

“jaejoong we are going to leave you behind if you don’t move your “

I jerked my head up to notice everyone out of the apartment waiting for me by the door …I gulped and took a deep breath then I put ‘the beautiful’ smile on my face  and walked to the door …

I cant give in to yunho now and I cant be hurt again by him or hurt him like that again …he has a girlfriend …I remember now …even if she was a bad person ..as long as she stops him from loving me and stops me from getting carried away then its ok …maybe with time he would find a girl better than her …and to stop my self from doing something stupid I too need to find someone …I might never fall in love with anyone but him ..but exactly because of that I cant be with him …I love him too much to do that to him …

And so it seems that plan C doesn’t even need me to sit it up ..just me not to sabotage it …