It’s almost half an hour we’ve been sitting here at the coffee shop and no one was talking. The coffee Dongwoo ordered just stay there, he didn’t even touch it. He just staring at the street outside blankly, meanwhile I just held the cup of tea that I order. We kept glancing around and suddenly he talked,

“I didn’t beg you for love, I just wanted your true heart..” with a heavy sigh he continued, “Even on the day I saw you for the last time, I didn’t want you.. I wanted your true heart” he said while making a weak smile to me. He tried so hard to hold the hurt at his heart, I could see it. But, I couldn’t bring my self to comfort him right now, because I knew that’s not what he want from me. I’m the worst, to hurt someone like him.

“Maybe I don’t have much time for you, for us. But I try my best when I’m with you..” he said again.

“I know, I’m not a great boyfriend, I can’t even tell people that you’re mine and show how much you mean to me to the world.. but..” he couldn’t bring the words, but inside he said ‘My scarred heart and my tainted memories of that time, your face looking at me.. I hate it all. I hate you’. Instead, he bit his lips and swallowed the words.

I couldn’t stand to look at him trying so hard to talk and brought the topic himself, because I knew it was my fault that he become like this. It was my fault who couldn’t be faithful to him, surrender to the bitter-sweet temptation of the cheating fruit. And I reap what I sow now.

His eyes suddenly become blurry and his chest tightening, made his words can’t come out. But he tried to keep talking, he wanted to tell me that he knew everything. That time, when he’s not around, that other man was with me all the time, or when he’s busy with the schedules of his comeback, I would meet with that other man instead of him. He knew all of it, but he tried to hold it to himself until every one around him mad and confused with his decision. One time, Sungyeol was so mad and scolded him,

“Hyung, she’s playing with your heart, why don’t you just end it?!”

“Hey, don’t talk about her like that. It’s my fault that she’s looking for comfort from other people, because I can’t be with her every time she needs me, but it’s okay, he’s just her best friend. He’s not someone that special for her..” he answered Sungyeol calmly. He believed that it was just a fling, that my heart was always with him, that I loved him like before. But after some time, he didn’t know when, he finally realized that I wasn’t the same. I wasn't that girl who he loved before. The feeling had changed, and I hurtled him because my feeling changed.

He let out a heavy sigh, to calm your tighten chest, tried to release the burden on his heart, “Our nervous relationship, me, trying to protect it, actually I regret it all. I didn’t know better..” he stoped for awhile to say the next words that he has been trying to tell me. The words that made his mouth bitter and dry,

 “..I hate you”, he swallowed the lump in his throat.

I can’t even bring myself to be mad at him, because it’s his choice to hated me as much as he wanted, but hearing that words finally came out from his mouth, made my heart hurt so much. I wanted to say sorry, I wanted to beg him to forgive me, but I couldn’t bring the words. I bowed my head down, so I couldn’t see his disappointed face, and so I could hide that I was in verge of tears. He who always smiled and laugh now looked different because of his teary eyes, his lips that tremble every time he talked, his frowned brow, and his clenched fist. I hated to see him like this, but what can I do? I was wrong and it’s time for my judgments from him,

He looked at me and he knew it was over from a very long time ago. He tried so hard in this relationship, but I wasn’t. It was already unfair from the first time, I wasn't ready for having a relationship with him, but we kept pushing it because we thought we fell in love. Because of the feeling that we have, and we thought we could do anything if it's for love. But, I can't. This relationship was beyond my imagination. It's hard for me to keep up with him everytime. And it's harder for him, I know. That's why I gave up first and cheating on him was not my intention to hurt him. This was meant to be over, because we can't do anything to fix it. So, he clenched his fist, tried to push away the bitterness and emptiness that his life will be, and man’s up.

“My tightly shut heart and our relationship that can’t be turned back. The times we used to hurt each other.. I hate those times.. I hate you” he said, gritting his teeth, but tried to smile. I brought my head up and looked at him, whose now looked so pitiful because after all I did, he knew that he love me so much. He couldn’t bring himself to hate me. But looked at him like that made me cry, and then I couldn’t stop the tears that streamed down. I knew that I was wrong, and he should’ve been crazily mad at me, but looking at him, blessing my choice to choose another man beside him, somehow it hurted my heart like it was pierced to pieces.

“I.. I’m.. I’m so.. I’m so sorry, Dongwoo..” I sobbed, begging for his forgiveness.

He chuckled and let out a heavy sigh, “If more time passes, will we be able to understand each other?” he asked. He hated to see me crying hard like that, but there’s a bit relief at his chest, like some burden at least gone. He knew it’s time for him to move on, closed this book, and get out from there. He has been hurtled, but he knew I was hurtled more because of this mess that I started.

He stood up, looked at me that still crying, and concluded all of his thoughts, “But even then, let’s not meet. I hate myself for being like this. Because I always showed you my true heart..”

He walked to my side and kissed my head for the last time, then let out a bitter smile, “I believe that you did so too, at least during those times..”