Come here.

 

 

Yongguk’s voice escaped as an unintentional sigh, soft, low, so so tired. Youngjae shook his head mutely. But he sat down next to him anyway. Yongguk sighed again, this time making conscious effort to drop the frown on his face. Only one person can be frowning at any one time. That's the only way problems can be solved! Youngjae said that to him once. That was the day youngjae got him out from the dumps. Yongguk liked to say he was the dog with mange that youngjae took in. Youngjae saved him. Taught him that everything was going to be okay. But things don't seem that way. Not today. Not since.

 

 

"Give me your arm. I mean it... Don't you dare refuse..."

 

 

Yongguk interjected as youngjae was about to open his mouth to rebuke. He obediently stuck out his arm parallel to Yongguk’s chest and pulled at the sleeves gingerly. Revealing a vicious trail of angry looking cuts and bruises up his wrist. Some already fading to the layers of youngjae's skin.

 

 

Yongguk wanted to throw up.

 

 

He tore his eyes away and shut them momentarily before picking up a cotton ball to dip in warm water.

 

 

"I'm sorry..."

 

 

They said at once. They both had a perfectly good reason to apologize, they just haven’t found it yet.

 

 

Yongguk chuckled. That wasn't a word youngjae said easily. He was stubborn like that. Youngjae tried on a smile that was so sad, so painful. At that moment, Yongguk would do anything to wipe it away. He held youngjae's arm in front of him as he attempted to dab at his wounds. 

 

 

"Tell me if it hurts too bad..." 

 

 

❊

 

 

You can never get too used to the cold.

 

 

It comes as a shock every time. your bones, making your eyes water.

 

 

It had always been the cold-

 

 

Cold apartment,

 

 

Cold sheets,

 

 

Cold paper,

 

 

Cold demons-

 

 

Yongguk could never get too used to anything but the cold. Everything was changing. Everything changes as he downed another mouth of burning liquid. Yongguk was the typical dose of mistakes. He wanted to run away, run away from himself. His demons clawed around his ankles. He writes lyrics about them. Through words- that was the only way he could face them, shielded by inked paper and alcohol. In the morning he sees how he isn’t a good person. Through the mirror, through the messy scrawl of harsh words. Everything seemed cruel when the bottle empties.

 

 

❊

 

Youngjae was warmth.

 

 

He was a feeling Yongguk could never get used to. Yet he was a persistent existence in Yongguk’s life. Somehow Youngjae had always been there.

 

 

“Y-Yongguk?”

 

 

No matter how Yongguk pushed him away he’d still be there.

 

 

Yongguk had never had so much to drink before. His head was screaming, stomach churning, this wasn't the escape he had hoped for, but this was better than nothing. He woke up to warmth-

 

 

Warm blanket around him,

 

 

Warm smells,

 

 

Warm hand on his shoulder-

 

 

Yongguk wondered if this was what heaven felt like, because he could get used to not feeling the cold. Yongguk saw his vision slowly piece together the face that he would grow increasingly fond of. Youngjae was staring down at him, smile playing at the corner of his lips.

 

 

That was the day Yoo youngjae saved bang yongguk. They talked over hot chocolate and marshmallows. Youngjae discarded the last of Yongguk’s liquor. Yongguk decided he was rather fond of hot chocolate. 

 

 

"Why are you doing this?"

 

 

Yongguk said after a long stretch of awkward silence and contented sips coming from youngjae. 

 

 

"Just because... I’d like to see you smile once in a while..." 

 

 

Youngjae shrugged and smiled, cold fingers circling around the mug he held close as he curled his legs to his chest.

 

 

“Sometimes things look less bad on the flip side... You just have to find yours!" 

 

 

Yongguk didn't know how. But he let youngjae into his life. Inch by inch, a smile, followed by another. Maybe because youngjae was so confident he would be let in. Maybe because this was the very thing Yongguk wrote about in his lyrics-

 

 

This feeling.

 

 

❊

 

 

Hot chocolate was youngjae's favorite. He liked how the glowing heat spread through his body. He liked how the warmth tickled the tips of his fingers as he cradled the mug. He liked how everything seemed to dissolve with the clicking of his metal spoon against ceramic. This was his version of closure found within a steady rhythm, rhyming verses.

 

 

"Youngjae why the hell are you staring at your drink like that?"

 

 

Yongguk asked after roughly 15 minutes of youngjae squinting at the contents of his cup. They were on the couch in Youngjae’s apartment. Yongguk learnt ever dent on the furniture, every hairline crack in the walls that the paint wasn’t able to cover. He learnt Youngjae’s life through the photo frames that stood watch by the television. He learnt that youngjae held so much love within him, from the smile in his eyes. Brown eyes like hot chocolate.

 

 

"I'm trying to read my life from the hot chocolate swirls. Kinda like Tasseography..."

 

 

Youngjae explained thoughtfully, watching as a blank look shrouded the older male’s face. There was a slight twitch in his lip

 

 

"That's tea leaf reading for you, genius..." 

 

 

Youngjae rolled his eyes and proceeded to mutter how he the white swirls might be telling him that he would be successful in the future- oh wait maybe it's just the marshmallows. Yongguk wanted to tell youngjae hot chocolate wasn't tea and that he was boring to hang out with. The latter of which would be untrue.

 

 

Yongguk supposed that if there was a flip-side to the cold, it would be this silent contentment he feels whenever Youngjae was around.

 

 

❊

 

 

 Yoo Youngjae fell in love with Jung Daehyun. And Yongguk wondered if they had hot chocolate days together. Days where they'd just sit and let the heavy aroma drift through the empty spaces and soothe the aching soul. Days where all problems sunk to the bottom of the cup as residue, easily washed off under a running tap. Days where reality was the flip-side. Days where it'd be just two. Because yongguk missed those days.

 

 

He made himself hot chocolate, skipped the marshmallows. He sat on the floor, peering at the frame with his and youngjae's picture in it. He hasn't touched the pen in days. All the words he wrote formed permutations of the same story. He didn't want to face that now. Because they might be worse than his demons ever were. Those demons clawed at his anchors, made his footsteps heavy. These days they caused a dull ache in his heart.

 

 

Maybe the bubbling white froth would tell him otherwise. But no. All yongguk saw were the shaded streaks marking the inner expanse of the white mug. Tear streaks- almost- reaching towards the bottom of the cup to be washed off under the tap. He wondered what youngjae saw in his own cup all this time. Wondered if he saw something more than capricious white swirls and random freckles of marshmallow. Probably not. Because there never was a shortcut to the flip-side to life. Yongguk was lucky. Simply because-

 

 

Youngjae was the flip-side to yongguk's existence. 

 

 

With youngjae, life was about as beautiful as the confessions of a secret love found within yongguk's lyrics. Sometimes maybe even more so. Especially when youngjae smiles and laughs and talks endlessly of his dreams and yongguk knows he's the reason for those very lovely things. 

 

 

Yongguk tried to be the flip-side to youngjae's life. He was unworthy. A reflection on an unpolished surface. And he was so so scared because Youngjae could very well be the best thing that’s ever happened to him. But he would try to be more predictable than any image in youngjae's mug would ever be. More than daehyun would ever be.

 

 

❊

 

"We're going somewhere."

 

 

Yongguk says one day, after hearing youngjae over the phone. It has been a while since they last spoke. Yongguk decided the best way to escape his demons was to pretend they didn’t exist. But not today when they’d come back to haunt him, to remind him.

 

 

"Where?"

 

 

But yongguk doesn't reply. Not until they arrive at a small cafe tucked behind the busy streets of hongdae. Yongguk was nervous as he led Youngjae in, the back of their hands brushing oh so slightly. Youngjae smiled and yongguk thought that that was much better than hearing his sadness over the phone. But youngjae didn't like them talking about him and daehyun, so yongguk doesn't say anything about the darkness under his eyes or the lack-luster of his smile. And youngjae is thankful for that. But there was something else about youngjae that yongguk chose to keep quiet about. The cuts on his wrist that looked fresh. Yongguk saw them when youngjae had been careless, letting his sleeves roll up by that much. Yongguk kept quiet because he wasn't sure if he wanted to know. Wasn't sure if he could see youngjae like that. 

 

 

They ordered hot chocolate- an unspoken ritual. 

 

 

"I miss this... All of this..." 

 

 

Youngjae muttered and yongguk hummed a wordless agreement. 

 

 

"I bet a lot has changed... In the patterns I mean..." 

 

 

Yongguk gestured towards youngjae's mug. 

 

 

"Not for the better, I'm afraid..." 

 

 

Youngjae stared down at the table, as if afraid of what the white swirls would tell him.

 

 

"I'm sure you'll solve it... You always do..." 

 

 

Youngjae chuckled and shoved yongguk's shoulder from across the table. 

 

 

"You sound just like me now!" 

 

 

And yongguk laughed along because it had never been the hot chocolate that melted away his problems. It had always been youngjae. And he just wished that from now he could do the same for youngjae. Somehow the lightness and the atmosphere gave youngjae a little more courage to peer in his cup.

 

 

"Oh wow! A shamrock!”

 

 

Youngjae showed yongguk his cup. A shamrock meant wishes come true. Yongguk has little to no imagination but he could make out the three illusive leaves flowering from froth. And that was good enough for him because now youngjae was closing his eyes and scrunching up his face, trying to think of a good wish. Yongguk smiled and peered into his pwn cup only to be greeted by an intimidating mass of marshmallows. It was alright though. He didn't need a shamrock as long as youngjae was around. Besides, it was more of Youngjae’s thing, to peer into the cup, let something else tell him what he was.  

 

 

But yongguk decided that the next time he sees a shamrock in his cup, he would ask youngjae to stay forever. 

 

 

❊

 

 

Yongguk wrote about Youngjae. Because Yongguk wrote what was on his mind. What bothered him the most. He couldn’t find a melody to fit the words. Because no melody was beautiful enough, or sad enough to cover what the words so barely did. He missed Youngjae, but he couldn’t bear to see Youngjae so hurt. There was nothing Yongguk could do. Because as long as Youngjae loved Daehyun, he had to fight his demons alone. Their demons kept them apart. Formed a barrier between reality and the flip-side they found together.

 

 

Yongguk despised Youngjae for being so weak. For not being able to face the truth. For feeding the demons that weighed an anchor in his heart. Then again. He was in love. And Yongguk was a hypocrite. Because he’d do the same for Youngjae. He’d break his heart over and over again just so Youngjae could spend another day knowing he’s loved. Just so Youngjae would stay.

 

 

Yongguk despised himself for being so weak. 

 

 

❊

 

Youngjae pushed the blade closer to his vein. He was a hypocrite. Sometimes there wasn't a flip-side. Somehow cuts hurt less than the bruises love left him. All up his arm from harsh grasps, demon ink, daehyun's doing. Some of them his own doing. Daehyun didn't love him. The white swirls didn't tell him this. Didn't tell him that it would hurt this much to fall in love with a problem. 

 

 

Youngjae wasn't him. His demons drawing the blade across his wrists, they were telling him things. 

 

 

Escape. 

 

 

Was this the very thing that yongguk once spoke about in his lyrics? If it were then youngjae now knew what the big fuss was about.

 

 

"A little closer..." 

 

 

They whispered and youngjae shut his eyes and let the tears trail down the porcelain of his skin. 

 

 

He dropped the blade when the phone rang. His demons crawled beneath the tiles. 

 

 

"Youngjae?"

 

 

Yes. That was his name. Youngjae. 

 

 

"Youngjae you there?"

 

 

Youngjae nodded. More tears making their way down to meet his trembling hand. That was his name.

 

 

"Youngjae are you crying? W-Wait there I'm coming to get you."

 

 

❊

 

"Tell me if it hurts too bad..." 

 

 

"I'm sorry..."

 

 

Yongguk never wanted to hear youngjae apologize again. It didn't make sense to apologize for a broken heart. Yongguk had been apologizing too. But that was different. He should've been there for youngjae. But a part of him knew that he wouldn't be able to handle seeing a broken youngjae. 

 

 

"Don't be... Just get yourself back up..." Yongguk watched as youngjae's expression softened. So he let himself continue, "I'd like to see you smile every once in a while..."

 

 

Youngjae's lips curved into a beautiful smile as he rested his head on yongguk's shoulder. Yongguk dabbed at the particular wound that threatened dangerously close. Yongguk shuddered. He thanked god he called, thanked god for chance, for those three leaves that floated to the top of his cup. 

 

 

The day he saw a shamrock in his cup was the day he saved youngjae's life.

 

 

Yongguk told youngjae it was alright to be scared. Alright to run away sometimes, as long as you came back with the tide. Because that was what Youngjae did for him. Youngjae pulled him from the white foam. And Yongguk wasn’t prepared to let go. Not anymore.

 

 

"There."

 

 

Yongguk unrolled youngjae's sleeve and set his arm down. All better. Youngjae smiled. The capricious swirls would never have told him this. But he could live his scars as long as yongguk was around. Yongguk felt a sudden surge of bravery. The smell of warmth thick in the air, the need to keep youngjae's smile immortalized entrenched in his soul. 

 

 

Yongguk was sure there was nothing like the warmth of youngjae's lips. The way they moulded perfectly together. The ringing in his ears, the tingle up his spine, the slight dizziness. That was a feeling he could definitely get used to. It bettered the experimental feelings he wrote on paper. Youngjae had been foolish trying to understand himself through the mug he held in his hands. Because everything he ever wanted to be was told through the way yongguk looked at him-

 

 

Youngjae you're beautiful.

 

 

Yongguk confessed simply. None of that candlelight and complexities he had predicted in his lyrics. Yongguk found the melody to his songs on paper. Youngjae liked how his name sounded on Yongguk's tongue. Yongguk didn't want to live on the flip-side anymore. He wanted to be rooted to reality, youngjae's hand in his. He wanted to show youngjae that reality could be beautiful too. 

 

 

I love you,

Please stay...

 

 

Youngjae nodded and yongguk swore he would try to make youngjae smile like that for the rest of his life. 

 

 

❊

 

Yongguk tries something cliche with Youngjae. He kissed the hot chocolate foam off his upper lip. Youngjae giggled and kicked Yongguk from under the table before engaging in a secret act of footsie. Yongguk tugged on Youngjae's sleeves. His scars were fading. He placed a tender kiss on each line, stopping at the one that threatened too close, dangerously close. It was going to fade away soon. Everything was going to be ok. Youngjae's smile was warmth.

 

 

 

A lot has changed in the patterns lately. Because reality was now the flip-side. And Yongguk had Youngjae's hand in his.

 

 

And the world was as beautiful as the songs that Yongguk writes for Youngjae. 

 

❊

 

The mugs piled on the table like a slaughter line. Yongguk swore as another mug was pushed carelessly to the side, spilling over in the process. Warm scents filled his apartment. Yongguk needed a reason. Because yongguk tried to interpret his life from the hot chocolate swirls every now and then. And now he needed a reason. A reason to stay.

 

 

Yongguk poured the hot milk and waited for the swirls to still on the surface. Then he saw it-

 

 

Illusive, shy peek of three leaves amidst everything else. A shamrock. 

 

 

That was it. The thing he'd been looking for.

 

 

Yongguk picked up his phone, dialing the number, hands trembling as he waited for him to pick up-

 

 

"Youngjae?"

 

 

 

 

---

I re-wrote this too many times and I really do hope it's fine! Bangjae shippers what do you think? 

Probably not gonna be updating my other stuff in a while coz I should be studying. 

Thanks for subbing<3 

p.s: coffeeshop /strangled scream