☆ Tenth Star

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"I've been crushing on you since puberty."

A silence engulfed us, the kind of silence in which the rustling of bushes was louder than my own heartbeat. His words were hovering in the air as if they didn't know where to go or where to hide. Like they were directed to me, but I had harshly rejected them, and now they wee too embarrassed to go back to Woohyun. It was like rivers would stop flowing; the stars would start falling down on us and the sun would refuse to rise. His words had exactly this effect on me, leaving only a vast sky of silence. 

"It was so obvious,” he said, looking at me with eyes I couldn’t read. “Of course I would eventually fall for you. Of course that would happen. And now I’m even risking everything."

He was risking a lot. He was risking our friendship. He was giving away our existing bond and all the memories of our past for something as useless as love. He was putting all the comfortable conversations at night, our stargazing partnership, our smiles and jokes, at risk. And that for love. I really wanted to yell at him for making such a mistake, for taking the wrong path, but I knew it would only hurt him more. 

"Are you really that dense?” he asked.

No, I wasn’t. I wasn’t so dense. I would be lying if I said I hadn't noticed the way he looked at me at times, hadn't seen his change of behaviour when I was with Sunggyu, or when I had been dating Howon. I had noticed that, every single detail,  every little mood change, every secret glance, but I had refused to say something.  I had refused to address the issue because a voice at the back of my head was telling me to ignore it, that I should wait for it to disappear one day. 

People say you will feel flattered by a confession. You will feel happy to be liked by someone despite your flaws. You will feel thankful for their feelings because human beings tend to seek acknowledgement from others. But then there were people like me who couldn’t enjoy the pleasure of being confessed to. Confessing, after all, always ends up with either the other person returning the feelings or with rejection. And the pressure against my heart told me it wasn’t going to be the former. 

"I don't know what to say,” I mumbled, unable to look into his eyes. I couldn’t lie to him, for that would only damage him more. And he was my friend, and I never wanted to hurt him.

"So is this a rejection?" he asked coldly. 

Woohyun wasn’t necessarily angry, but more like hurt, maybe. He was angry that I had decided to hurt him. Out of all the decisions I could've made, I had decided for the most painful one. I had decided to tear his healing wounds open. To rub salt into them. I had decided to be cruel. Because I wasn't going to be like him. I wasn't going to lie. 

He rubbed one of his hands down his face, sighing, before he looked at me with a slight smile on his lips. "Don't worry. I wasn't exactly asking you to be my girlfriend.” He lightly placed a hand on my shoulder, a weight I almost couldn’t feel, and added, "But I hope you understand we can't be friends anymore. Not because I'm resenting you. Or because I hate you. That's not it. I just can't look into your eyes anymore, and I'm probably ashamed. And it's really not good for my heart at the moment."

He looked at me one last time, nodding to himself, then walked past me, his shoulder faintly brushing against mine. Or maybe it was just my imagination. Maybe because I had just lost a friend I was already seeking for affection. Affection in the form of human warmth. Maybe I had been lonely for far too long and that day I was abandoned a second time.

Just like that the whole Sungjong issue seemed small compared to his blunt confession. Just like that it seemed like the fight had long been forgotten, and all that still lingered in the air were his cold words.

☆

Woohyun could occasionally break promises, and he would do so in the future, but what he didn’t do at that time was to go back on his words. He said he couldn’t be my friend anymore, and he meant that. He said he liked me, and he meant that. But for some reason I was still hoping he would turn around during class and stick his tongue out, telling me he was only joking about his confession. That it was just a bad joke, that I didn’t have to worry about it anymore, that we could go back.

The thing was, I was so angry at him for risking our friendship. He was putting our friendship on line forㅡ yeah, for what? For what did he do that? For this? For us becoming estranged? For us avoiding each other? Did he think after his confession everything would be better between us? I highly doubted he was so stupid to believe that. I highly doubted anyone could have believed a confession would solve everything.

During break, Sunggyu turned his chair around to face me. He leaned over, placing his arms on my desk, and randomly scribbled something onto my notebook. I looked at the way his eyelashes fell over his eyes, and absentmindedly heard Myungsoo say something to him. He didn’t look at me when he asked, ”What happened?”

It was such a sudden question, I didn’t know how to reply. So I just continued staring at him, my heart somewhere else.

"Did Woohyun confess?" rephrased Myungsoo, trying to make it sound matter-of-factly. I looked up to see him staring at me. He carried on, ”And you rejected him and now he doesn't want to be your friend anymore?”

“How can you be so accurate?” I asked him, impressed.

Sunggyu smiled, and said, looking up, ”Rumours are spreading fast."

“Oh."

Really, oh.

"You know,” he started, turning around to Woohyun, who was soundlessly sleeping or pretending to be sleeping on his desk, “it's quite strange you haven't noticed before. It was quite obvious. Even Bomi knew that, and she still asked him out.” Sunggyu returned his gaze to my notebook, and before he resumed his drawing, he added, “If you dated someone, and you knew that person already likes someone else, I really wonder how you would feel.”

I wondered, too. I wondered whether that was the reason why Bomi couldn’t stay with him longer than for one day, whether she had been so hurt that she just couldn’t take it anymore. I wondered whether it was unbearable for her to see Woohyun liking someone else. I wondered how I would have felt in her stead. I really wondered.

Myungsoo looked at me, a furrow between his brows. He seemed to be contemplating whether to speak up or not, and he decided for the former. ”Actually, I’m rather wondering why you don't feel the same way about Woohyun. It's not like he's lacking in looks, right. And you do get along with him.”

Why can't I feel the same way about him, was a question I had asked myself plenty of times after his confession. Why couldn't I like him back? Accept him? Why didn't I see him in that way? What was so wrong about Woohyun and me as lovers? I didn’t know. I wished I knew so I could erase that uneasiness, from wherever it  might originate. I wished I could stop myself from feeling so bothered about his feelings for me. Woohyun was my friend; he was handsome and kindhearted. He occasionally lied, but he knew how to make me smile and laugh and sometimes also how to make me cry. He shared my passion for stars, and yet I could never imagine being his girlfriend. Why?

☆

After a week of being ignored by Woohyun, of countless looking aways, of minimal eye contact and limited exchange of words, of being completely avoided by the person I used to call my stargazing partner, who had decided to ruin our friendship one day, of being given the cold shoulder, I called Sungjong, and we met at the cafe at which our first meeting had taken place. 

It wasn’t like I wanted to defy Woohyun by ignoring his worries about me and still meeting my old friend from primary school. It wasn’t like I wanted to revenge him for ruining our friendship, or that I wanted to show him I could still do whatever I wanted despite his caring words. No. I had a different reason for meeting Sungjong. I wanted to confirm something.

A waitress came to our table and asked us what we would like to drink. I ordered green tea, and Sungjong chose Americano. We thanked her before she left, then waited in our silence. Admitted, it was slightly difficult to talk to Sungjong now ever since the karaoke incident. Whenever I looked at him, I remembered Woohyun’s words, and that made me feel bad about myself, for hurting someone and for not seeing the changes in the other. Woohyun was right. The Sungjong in front of me had little to none similarities to the Sungjong from primary school. But neither did I have any similar characteristics with the girl I used to be.

Sungjong must have noticed the building tension between us because he spoke up, and asked, ”An, how did Howon confess to you?”

I was slightly surprised at his question, briefly wondering why everyone was so curious about my ex boyfriend. I rubbed my lips together, and thought about my answer for a while. “I think he just said he likes me,” I replied, pausing. “Oh wait, no. He actually just kissed me.”

"Really? Is this how you will get the girl?” asked Sungjong, genuinely interested. 

“Why, are you trying to confess to someone?"

"Is it so obvious?" His lips curved into a sheepish smile, and he touched the nape of his neck awkwardly. He looked so adorable for a moment that I completely forgot why I had wanted to meet him in the first place. He continued, ”You remember that girl from karaoke? The one I was talking to?" I nodded, so he went on, "She has a boyfriend, but she's about to break up with him. That guy, really, he is so selfish and controlling. Look, that guy, he forbids her to hang out with her friends, controls her phone and decides everything by himself. He suffocates her, and she just can’t take it anymore, you know. No wonder she wants to break up then.”

For some reason, while listening to Sungjong, I was reminded of someone.

☆

People aren’t perfect, and there will always be a point in time where one can’t take it anymore, where they will give up pretending to be fine. People are fragile, and they can’t hold on for long if the pain is unbearable. People break easily because they are just human beings, and we are not made for overcoming destruction.

In that aspect, I had definitely reached my limit.

I wanted to confront Woohyun because I had enough of his behaviour. I was done with him avoiding my glances and his silly excuses when I tried talking to him. I was so mad, and it felt so unusual to be so angry at something like a person withdrawing his friendship from me. It felt surreal. And I hated myself, but I hated everything else more.

The karaoke place was in downtown Daegu, and I had to take the subway in order to get there. It was a Saturday evening, and some people, mostly couples, were strolling around the streets, enjoying the unusual warm autumn day. They all seemed happy and satisfied, causing me to look like an outsider, someone who had a gloomy aura around her. Recently, that seemed to be my speciality.

I stopped in front of the building, and prepared my heart for the confrontation. I wasn’t even hundred percent sure that Woohyun had been assigned a shift today, but I had to try. I couldn’t sit back and wait anymore, couldn’t wait for him to stop avoiding me at school. It was impossible to approach him at school. He was with too many friends, classmates from the neighbouring classes, people I didn’t know. He was too unreachable, too far away from me. So I resorted to confront him at his work place.

Climbing the stairs to the karaoke, I wondered what I would do if he ignored me even here. What was I supposed to do when he wouldn’t even glance at me nor acknowledge my presence? At this thought, I felt a heavy weight in my heart, and I just prayed to the stars that I would be able to endure this, that maybe I hadn't reached my limit yet.

The walls of the karaoke place was in a plain white, the ceiling spotting a chandelier. Even the counter was in the same colour, and there was a middle aged woman sitting behind it, who saw me and smiled. I approached her, slightly feeling exposed by the dazzling light, and asked whether someone named Nam Woohyun was currently working here. She hit a few buttons on her keyboard, and I just waited, darting my eyes around the room. I had already been here once, with Sungjong and his group of friends, but at that time the reception room’s light had been dimmed so I hadn’t really noticed how white the walls were. It was scarily white. Almost too white. Like a hospital. Or a psychiatric ward.

She said, “Yes, he is currently working on floor 2.”

“Can I talk to him?” I asked. “I mean, I don’t want to sing or anything. I just want to talk to him. Can I?”

She seemed reluctant at first, but then she nodded, allowing me to step past the counter and take the elevator. When I arrived, feeling a bit more comfortable in the dim light of the second floor, but not as comfortable to actually relax, I walked out and passed by the karaoke rooms, hoping he would not be in one of them. I wasn’t really keen on randomly barging into private parties, so I peeked into the small windows in the doors, trying to see whether Woohyun was inside. A waiter approached me, politely asking whether I was looking for something. About to tell him that I was searching for a employee called Nam Woohyun, I spotted the person who had been avoiding me for the past few weeks down the hallway. He was standing outside a karaoke room, placing empty glasses onto a drinks trolley. I excused myself from the waiter and walked towards Woohyun.

He saw me immediately, his eyes doubling in size, his lips slightly agape. When I stood in front of him, he said, “Are you here with those people again?”

I calmly shook my head in response, trying not to get agitated at his outburst of anger and his cruel accusation. At least, he was talking to me. 

"Why are you here then?” he asked, confused.

"Because you are avoiding me at school.”

"Anjell, I told youㅡ"

"No, Woohyun, listen to me,” I interrupted him, noticing how all the frustration that had built up inside of me was coming out. "What you are doing is unfair. It's selfish. You just decided everything on your own. You just fell in love with me. You just confessed out of nowhere without considering my feelings. We were friends, weren’t we? And you just destroyed everything. You ruined our friendship. And that’s not fair. You're not even talking to me. What am I supposed to do, huh? I hate it.”

After Sungjong had told me about the selfish boyfriend who suffocated his girlfriend with his dominating behaviour, I couldn’t help but think of how Woohyun was, in a way, just like him. I couldn’t help but feel the same frustration, the same emptiness, the same anger. I couldn’t help but feel like this needed to end.

Woohyun looked at me, and I stopped to think about what I had said to him. I could almost swear I had seen pain flicker in his eyes when he asked, “Are you even listening to what you are saying?” I didn’t answer. "You're telling me to prevent my feelings? To keep them a secret? Do you think it's that easy? Don't you think I've already tried not to think of you in that way? I'm even starting to believe that all the girls I've dated were just distractions. Should I just rewind the past and take my confession back? Should I just endure all this and wait for it to disappear?"

"No, butㅡ"

"Why are we even talking about this?” he asked, clearly hurt. “I told you already. I don't hate you. I'm not even resenting you. I'm just..." He stopped, and turned his gaze away. His lips were quivering slightly, and I felt an abnormal pain stinging in my heart. He finally said, ”It’s impossible to be friends right now."

I wished I could have said something back then, just anything to lessen his pain. I wished I could have prevented the tears from emerging in his eyes, anything to let a genuine smile appear on his lips. Woohyun was just a person like you and me, and he wasn’t perfect. I might have reached my limit, but he was even beyond that. He had already reached the point in time where he couldn’t take it anymore, but I had forced him to endure what he couldn’t. He was fragile, and he broke easily.

Woohyun might have destroyed our friendship, but I, far worse, destroyed him. 

☆