I thought I’d die.

 

No lie there.

 

I didn’t get it at first. Vic-umma threw me a look of uncertainty – one that was probably just like the one I had before our professionalism slipped right back into our heads.

 

At least, we had probably tried to let it slip when she started moving albeit limply again after lifting a hand to her temple.

 

And then, she fell—

 

Right in front of me.

 

.

.

.

 

As artists that have gone through rigorous training, I had to reject and totally abandon my laziness.

 

Sometimes though, I admit that it attacks; it snakes its way into little gestures like my posture that I couldn’t keep straight when I wasn’t in front of televised cameras, or my arm that I just can’t raise that high up – or not even raise at all when I don’t have to.

 

Maybe that’s why my arm found it’s way around Soojung’s shoulders.

 

I just landed it there and let it rest there casually one moment, and the next thing I knew, big bad arm found it normal to be comfy there.

 

She didn’t complain, but Soojung was quite the quiet one without the cameras, thus, it wasn’t that hard to see those instances when she’d blink and look at me for a second as if to say that she was too tired for my arm.

 

So one day I reeled my arm back—

 

At least I intended, because she raises a hand and grabs mine that dangled limply on her shoulder.

 

She looks up at me and smiles, pulling my arm to secure it on its personal couch.

 

I know it wasn’t grand; it wasn’t a grandiose moment, but how I kept my gaze on hers, how her grip loosened around my hand, and how her fingers slowly slipped off of mine, I knew, I was a goner – one that was killed mercilessly by Krystal Jung Soojung with just one string of gestures.

 

I tried to return the smile. Wasn’t I best in this group when it came to smiling? Duh, my eyes smiled for me even when I’m not in the mood.

 

She didn’t say anything and I would’ve begged her to because I didn’t know what to do at all.

 

She blinked and, in that second, her smile faded and I knew only one thing after—

 

I was hurt.

 

I somehow had to redeem myself; I suddenly felt obliged.

 

So, the next day, I didn’t let anything slipped as we walked the streets of Vietnam, with or without the cameras, chances of getting scolded by the management getting fat or whatnot, I didn’t care.

 

I ran to her side the moment she stepped out and I secured my arm around her shoulders looking like a possessive freak.

 

She looks up at me, puzzled but amused.

 

As we walked, I had to seal the deal. So, I spoke.

 

‘Soojung-ah.’

 

‘Hm?’

 

‘You can’t grow any taller, okay?’

 

‘Why?’

 

‘You’re most perfect to put my arm around on.’

 

She doesn’t look at me but I refused to look away because I had to know what she’d say.

 

Without looking at me still, she smiles with her head bowed.

 

‘Arasso.’

 

I have loved her ever since alright, and my heart and I have shunned all sorts of uncertainties over my feelings for her.

 

.

.

.

 

One night, after a tiring chain of performances around Seoul, I was sitting at the back of the van with Luna napping beside me, her head rested on the glass of the vehicle.

 

I was tired and my arm felt that tinge of wanting to be where it rightfully belongs. Unfortunately, the owner was up front with Amber-unnie. Soojung’s arm was around our Taiwanese-American member’s shoulder.

 

I sighed and only asked myself one question, “what would it feel to have her arm around my shoulder instead of mine on hers?”

 

.

.

.

 

In Amber’s absence, all the attention that she was giving me doubled. Maybe because the other half was really meant for me, while the other half of her energy she supposedly used on Amber. But alas, the other girl wasn’t around.

 

My arm found its place again, but my heart felt like it would burst out of my chest these days.

 

And her arm?

 

It never found its way on my shoulder.

 

Maybe it was my height? Or maybe she just never felt like it.

 

Again, I’m hurting somewhere where my heart supposedly was caged.

 

.

.

.

 

As if the fates have heard my woes and melancholy associated with Soojung’s beautiful arm, it happened.

 

I thought I’d die.

 

No lie there.

 

I didn’t get it at first. Vic-umma threw me a look of uncertainty – one that was probably just like the one I had before our professionalism slipped right back into our heads.

 

At least, we had probably tried to let it slip when she started moving albeit limply again after lifting a hand to her temple.

 

And then, she fell—

 

Right in front of me.

 

I was still standing there when she was already on the floor inches away from where I stood. However, the moment my peripheral vision caught Vic-umma heading towards Soojung, I knelt.

 

My hands were trembling but I didn’t care. When Vic-umma started gathering her in her arms, my body just acted on its own and I started carrying her.

 

And somehow, her arm, ironically, found its way around my neck and shoulders. Someone must’ve placed it there but I could care less.

 

I love her. I love her. I love her.

 

That’s the only thing I could hear on repeated playback in my head.

 

I sprung my feet up and it only took me a few steps when the staff came in and swiftly tried to get her off of my grasp. I couldn’t let them take her but they were stronger than I was of course.

 

But I kept her partially in my arms.

 

And her arm was still hung limply on me as I ran with the staff off the stage.

 

Screw the management and their policies because the ringing in my ears was the only thing I could pay attention to – the words that rang repeatedly in my ears, loud and clear, I love her.

 

Even when her arms slowly slipped off of me and slowly hung limply as she was carried further and further away from me, I only told myself one thing – I love her, damn it.

 

.

.

.

 

The moment she woke up, I wasn’t there and I couldn’t be any more pissed off at the managers for giving me a schedule when I wanted to be by her side.

 

But the news drifted like fire on her side of Seoul and the next thing I knew, my phone was ringing.

 

‘Hello?’

 

‘Hi.’

 

My heart, keep still, I beg of you.

 

‘Where are you?’ she asks, giggles coming on and I felt myself smile.

 

‘I’m in a van technically, but I just came out of the TV station if that’s what you want to know.’

 

She chuckles, exhaustion still evident in her voice.

 

‘I’ll wait for you,’ she says.

 

‘I’m coming.’

 

I smile at her statement.

 

Wait for me, huh? I wish I hadn’t taken that in a different light for the rest of my life until this very minute.

 

.

.

.

 

Days stretched to weeks that turned to months since that incident and she was as precious to me as my own heart.

 

I briskly walked the hallway and punched in the code to our apartment and slid inside with a heavy everything.

 

I took my shoes off and left them outside the living room, greeted Amber-unnie who was three seconds away from falling asleep on the couch and Luna-unnie who was eating with Vic-umma on the dining area.

 

I threw my stuff on the foot of the bed and opted to just land on whichever available bed – I could care less who supposedly owned it because I was beat.

 

And I landed on a living being who I thought was supposed to be with her family.

 

She flinched and rubbed her back where I accidentally hit her with my elbows but she doesn’t scream at me.

 

I lifted my head to look her in the eyes and gave her a cheeky smile that only meant I was sorry.

 

‘Hey,’ she said with a smile she genuinely gave back.

 

‘Tired?’

 

I nodded.

 

She shuffles to the further part of the bed to give me space and I graciously accepted the offer to lie by her tonight.

 

I wasn’t even that settled in when she snuggles into my already heart-beat chest.

 

I just placed my arms around her, and as the minutes passed my hold around her tightened and tightened.

 

I wondered if it was to keep her warm or to let her hear the beat of my heart – the rhythm of the love I never spoke of with anyone, especially her.

 

I’ll wait for you.

 

Her words repeated itself in my head and I wish it didn’t because I didn’t find sleep anymore that night, no matter how tired I was.

 

.

.

.

 

‘Sulli-ah.’

 

I look up at her beaming face.

 

It was just us inside the dorm and the TV was now long forgotten.

 

‘Yeah?’

 

She takes the spot beside me on the couch and my attention was all hers.

 

‘Nothing,’ she answers with a shrug of her shoulders. ‘I just—miss you.’

 

‘What’s with you?’ I tried to cover up by being cynical.

 

‘Can I not tell you I miss you without you thinking that I might have some extracurricular agenda?’

 

‘Let me guess, you want me to buy Ice cream?’ I press on and she didn’t look amused.

 

She rolls her eyes and slumps into the couch instead.

 

I felt bad immediately and I could only think of one thing to do, especially now that she seems to be poking at me for something and I don’t even know what it is.

 

I placed my arm around her shoulders.

 

‘Little Jung Cat is annoyed,’ I said in a cutesy sing-song voice that she almost immediately giggles to.

 

She looks back at me with a small smile.

 

‘I wish things were clearer.’

 

‘Things?’ I asked, genuinely confused.

 

She stays still, looking at me gently.

 

I was out of words. I didn’t know what to do or say.

 

Then, she shakes her head dejectedly, ‘nothing.’

 

.

.

.

 

Days pass and I’m even more confused and I’ve always thought that I could live without telling her how I feel. I was wrong though. Dead wrong.

 

She started sending me these signals that I nearly tried to take in no matter how bait-like it seemed. But in the end, I always backed away, because she would walk across to the other side of the room and be touchy-feely with Amber.

 

Like today, she removed the baseball cap I was wearing and placed it on her crown. I smiled and pinched her nose and nothing else.

 

I couldn’t move because she was being sweet again and I can’t help but be taken aback.

 

Her smile fades and she walks away to a different place in the studio.

 

She never knew how shattered I was inside. She broke me each time she did that and I was sure nothing was left that was a piece bigger than a grain of rice now – in my heart that is.

 

So, I gave up all the thoughts that there was a chance that she might feel the same way.

 

I rehearsed like crazy instead. I danced, competing with the energy of Vic-umma who was beginning to look at me worriedly.

 

Half an hour later and everyone slumped to the floor tired, but I didn’t. I had to occupy my thoughts and body to forget the space in my chest where there used to be a whole beating heart.

 

I danced, looking at my reflection on the mirror.

 

But my glance slipped, darting a second on her reflection and immediately she stood from where she sat and danced as well.

 

The two of us were at it for too long maybe because the next thing we knew, she tripped on her toes and probably bent an ankle.

 

I lost all restraint I thought I had built already and I was on her side, first to carry her and offer to take her to the company in-building clinic.

 

.

.

.

 

I could tell she was looking at me as I strode through the halls and was about to turn the corner, when I felt her arm slowly make its way around my neck.

 

I was pretty sure my face was as red as a tomato by now.

 

She was still looking at me, but I refused to look back, smile at her to reassure her or even speak.

 

Her grip around me loosened and her arm stiffened, shaking in what seemed to be frustration.

 

She suddenly pushes me away, making me complain that she’d fall if she kept that up.

 

But she was just as stubborn as I was.

 

She ends up on the floor, hurt again and back me.

 

I moved to pick her up again but she just as much as swat my hand away.

 

‘Don’t touch me!’

 

I felt that she was being unreasonable. I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong.

 

‘We have to get that ankle to the clinic, okay?’ I said, trying my best to tuck my temper in.

 

But refused to be touched still and I was forced to shout at her.

 

‘STOP IT!’ I shouted, kneeling behind her. ‘Okay? Just stop this! You have to—‘

 

She screams, both hands on both sides of head.

 

I was startled.

 

Silenced.

 

She was a brat like me but this was the first time she did this to me.

 

I reached for her shoulder, this time she doesn’t fight it.

 

And the moment her body shook and I could clearly see her sobbing, I lost what was left of my pride.

 

I wrapped both arms around her this time and occasionally smoothed her hair with my fingers.

 

‘I’m sorry, Soojung-ah. I just—I don’t know what to do. I—I—‘

 

She shushes me in between sobs.

 

She was shaking so hard I could feel the hurt she was feeling.

 

We stayed like that. Just like that.

 

And I couldn’t remember how long we were in that state in an unknown, unlit corner in the company building, but she finally lets go of my arms she secured around herself and turns around, facing me.

 

‘I’m tired of waiting for you,’ she began, not looking me in the eyes, ‘I was a fool, Sulli-ah.’

 

I wasn’t following.

 

Or maybe I was but I just didn’t want to be making conclusions that’d hurt me or our already tarnished friendship.

 

She finally looks up and into my eyes.

 

She wasn’t angry, that I was sure of; she even seemed afraid that I wanted to hug her so bad.

 

I was about to life my hands to wipe the tears off her cheeks when she beats me to it.

 

Her hands lift up and framed my face in her hold.

 

‘If I had been wrong all this time about what I feel,’ she says, ‘let me at least show you.’

 

She wasn’t looking away and I was already a nervous wreck.

 

She leans in and the only thing I could hear now was what she told me over the phone when she was back at the hospital.

 

I’ll wait for you.

 

She closes the distance between us herself and lays a tender kiss on my lips.

 

And I could only stare at her when she pulls away and opens her eyes with all the hurt evident there.

 

I had to wash it away.

 

She misunderstood.

 

She was just as clueless as I was because I couldn’t shed tears like her but I think I had been suffering for a longer time than she had been.

 

When she struggled to stand up, I grabbed her hand, stopping her from further hurting herself.

 

I was shaking.

 

But I went through with it.

 

I pulled her hand slowly towards me and lay it gently on my chest, where my heart was.

 

She felt it.

 

I knew because her eyes showed surprise one moment and what seemed like relief soon after.

 

‘Y—you,’ she stutters for the right words and nothing could have been more adorable than that for me.

 

I nodded.

 

‘It’s always been you.’

 

She lets out the breath she seemed to have held in and the tears I tried so hard to keep from falling started pouring out relentlessly.

 

I panicked and held her in my arms like it’d give her air if she ever was out of breath.

 

.

.

.

 

I was on an interview, along with the cast of To the Beautiful You and, again, we were being asked trivial questions.

 

One of them caught my interest though and I was willing to answer it wholeheartedly, knowing there was an existence that resembled a cat that was watching this on TV.

 

‘Sulli-sshi,’ began the interviewer, ‘if there was any part of your body that you wouldn’t trade in for even a billion worth of diamonds, what would that be?’

 

Without hesitation, I answered.

 

‘My arm.’

 

.

.

.

 

At the Jung living room, where the TV set speakers’ audio blared—

 

Jessica Jung’s eyebrows shot up as she looked at her sister who, had moments ago, looked like a cat that wanted to pluck Choi Minho’s eyes out, now had to bite her lower lip to suppress the smile she couldn’t help but allow.