Some nights, when Himchan is the only one awake after the other members have fallen asleep and he’s walking down a busy street, he thinks about his past with Yongguk and suddenly, he finds it kind of hard to breathe. He thinks about living together with him – Just the two of them, younger and livelier and not feeling like parents to four talented kids. He thinks about days they spent just relaxing and talking and nights they spent drinking and partying in Hongdae. He thinks about simpler times and honestly, he’s worried that one day, he’s going to forget.

            It already felt like so long ago, when they didn’t have to worry about practicing for hours on end or not disappointing fans or not getting two hours of sleep a day; Himchan is worried that years from now he won’t be able to remember what his life was like back then. He doesn’t want to forget. Sometimes, it feels like it’s all he has.

            As Himchan walks down the street, pushing past drunk groups of friends and clingy couples, he feels his throat begin to hurt and his eyes begin to water.

            It’s hard, being an idol. Himchan knew it would be hard when he signed with TS, sure, but he didn’t imagine it to be this suffocating. On nights like these, all he wanted to do was return to those older times with Yongguk, just the two of them living hapily in their dorm.

            Himchan loves B.A.P, he loves BABYs, and he loves being able to make his parents proud, but he can’t help but feel unhappy on some nights. He sits on a bench in a small park and releases a long sigh he didn’t know he was holding in. As he looks up at the twinkling stars and the moon above him, he reminisces.

            “What do you think it’s gonna be like when we debut?” Himchan asks with a mouthful of chicken, nudging Yongguk with his elbow. It’s late, almost two in the morning, and the two had just got from getting food downtown.

            Yongguk shrugs. “We’ll know when we find out.”

            Himchan rolls his eyes and groans, “Don’t turn into an old man on me, Bbang. I’m getting two beers – One for me, one for you.”

            “What do you mean, old man?” Yongguk’s face does that eyebrow thing he tends to do when he’s lost in thought and Himchan laughs at him from the kitchen. It’s gotten so easy to read him, he’s practically an open book to Himchan now.

            “Forget it,” Himchan replies with a smirk, handing Yongguk his beer and sitting down next to him once again. They clink their bottles together and take long drinks.

            Three beers in, Himchan feels very, very content with life, resting his head on Yongguk’s shoulder and sporting a goofy grin. “I hope we become famous,” Himchan states (almost slurs), glancing up at Yongguk, who’s also looking very, very content with life.

            “Me too.” Yongguk nods in agreement. His eyes meet Himchan’s and for what feels like eternity, they sit together, just staring into each other’s eyes and not thinking much at all. And then he kisses Himchan, soft and gentle, but it’s enough to make both of their heads spin. This time, it’s not from the alcohol.

            They sit together and they kiss and everything feels right. Himchan is more than happy where he is right now and, judging by the large smile on his face, Yongguk is, too. As they kiss, Himchan forgets about debuting or becoming famous. All he can think about is how nice Yongguk’s lips feel against his and how he wants to stay in this tiny dorm with Yongguk forever.

            As they stumble into one of their bedroom’s together (whose it is, they don’t really care enough to find out just yet), the very, very last thing on Himchan’s mind is debuting.

            A small smile makes it’s way onto Himchan’s face at the memory of those nights with Yongguk, when all he cared about was stripping him and crawling under the covers with him. Those were some of the best nights they spent together.

            Then, Himchan closes his eyes and remembers the days they spent together.

            “Please, Channie,” Yongguk begs, tugging on Himchan’s arm. “Please go with me, just this once, I won’t ask for anything ever again-“

            Himchan sighs, rolls his eyes, and pulls his arm out of Yongguk’s grasp. “Fine, I guess. But only if you pay for dinner afterwards.”

            “Yes, of course, I’ll buy whatever you want, just go with me to see this one movie. I’ve been waiting for it to come out for a month now. I need to see it.”

            “I swear, you’re more dramatic than I am sometimes,” Himchan grumbles as he pulls on his favorite jacket, Yongguk practically bouncing around beside him. Yongguk doesn’t even give a witty response, which is a good sign that he’s up to Himchan. Himchan thinks that he deserves to be up to. He could care less about war movies, really. He’d much rather watch a romantic comedy or a sad drama. But, since this was for free food, he figured he could go just this once.

            Yongguk thanks Himchan profusely as they make their way to the theater and keeps quiet when Himchan shoots an insult at him. “You should act like this every day,” Himchan says and sees out of the corner of his eye that Yongguk doesn’t even blink. Yeah, he could definitely get used to this.

            They take their seats at the very top row and begin shoveling buttered popcorn into their mouths. By the time the movie had started, the large bucket was almost half empty. Himchan was seriously grateful that Yongguk was buying them dinner afterwards.

            Himchan got so into the movie that he almost didn’t notice Yongguk sleeping next to him. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped when he saw Yongguk’s body slumped in the chair. “Unbelievable, Bang Yongguk,” Himchan mutters under his breath, returning his focus to the movie after flicking him on the forehead. Yongguk didn’t flinch.

            When the credits begin to roll, Himchan jerks Yongguk around until his eyes flutter open. “Wake up, you big idiot,” He growls.

            “What?” Yongguk rubs at his eyes, sitting up in his chair and yawning. “Oh,” He gasps when he finally catches up with his surroundings. “Oh. I… I’m sorry?”

            Himchan stands from his chair and snorts, “You don’t need to apologize. The movie was really good. One of the best of the year, actually.”

            “Channie, it’s only May,” Yongguk laughs. “You’re just trying to make me feel bad. Look, I really am sorry, but I’ve been really tired lately.”

            “I know, I know.” Himchan waves him off and begins to walk down the theater stairs. “It’s a shame you didn’t catch most of it, though. Maybe we can buy it when it comes out on DVD.”

            Yongguk nods. “Yeah, we should. We can watch it together in the dorm and this time I won’t knock out. I promise.”

            Slowly, Himchan stands from the park bench and walks back to B.A.P’s shared dorm. He wipes away a single tear that had managed to fall from his right eye and bites down on his bottom lip. He shouldn’t be crying. He’s stronger than this. He doesn’t cry over silly memories.

            But he does. Some nights, Himchan cries and cries until he feels like he can’t cry anymore. He misses his life with Yongguk before they debuted. He misses Yongguk.

            Now that they’ve debuted, they’re becoming more and more popular, and they’re releasing albums so often, Himchan feels as though he doesn’t have time for Yongguk like he used to (and vice versa). He can’t talk to Yongguk late at night like he used to. They can’t go downtown and buy a bucket of chicken like they used to. He can’t go to the theater with Yongguk and unexpectedly love the movie like he used to. Everything was different now and, sometimes, Himchan hated it.

            He hated it and he was tired and he wanted nothing more than to fall asleep and somehow wake up in the dorm he used to share with Yongguk, not hearing the bickering of Youngjae and Daehyun or the loud laughter of Junhong and Jongup. He wanted to wake up next to Yongguk, their limbs tangled and their bodies pressed together. He wanted to wake up without having to worry about making breakfast for the kids or getting dressed for practice.

            As Himchan gets closer to their dorm he sees a few regulars sitting outside. Thankfully, they’ve fallen asleep against each other, so he easily sneaks past them and quietly steps through the front door. He releases another heavy sigh, thinking bitterly that he didn’t need to sneak into his own home when he lived with Yongguk.

            Himchan clicks the door shut behind him and- He’s stopped in his tracks when he turns to see the TV on and Yongguk sprawled along the couch, tired eyes glued but still looking uninterested.

            “Hey,” Yongguk greets him with a smile. “Have a nice walk?”

            It takes Himchan a moment to reply. “I thought you were asleep.”

            “I was.” Yongguk sits up and pats the seat next to him. Himchan gladly takes the invitation and relaxes on the couch. “I woke up and noticed you were gone, so I waited for you to come back.”

            Himchan is silent for a while. A million thoughts and emotions course through him at once. “Why?” He manages, his voice quiet, barely heard over the TV.

            “Because I wanted to. Why not?” Yongguk presses a small kiss to Himchan’s head and Himchan can feel his cheeks begin to heat up.

            “You need rest, Bbang,” Himchan says, and he’s surprised Yongguk hears him because he thinks his voice has gotten a lot quieter, if that was even possible. “I just needed some air.”

            “What are you upset about?” That was when Himchan realized that maybe Yongguk could read him just as well as he could read Yongguk.

            Suddenly and all at once, Himchan bursts into tears. Yongguk is quick to take him into his arms and run a comforting hand along his back. Himchan buries his face in Yongguk’s shoulder and he lets his tears soak Yongguk’s old t-shirt. “I miss how things used to be,” Himchan stutters between choked sobs.

            Yongguk holds Himchan closer against him. “I know, Channie,” He whispers into his ear. “I do, too.”

            That night, Himchan falls asleep in Yongguk’s arms with tears in his eyes. He dreams he’s back in his dorm with Yongguk. They’re sitting together, drinking beer and eating chicken and feeling very, very content with life.