1.

Kyungsoo stays still, because that’s what he has to do. Jongin told him he had to. He stays still and looks right in front of him, where a calendar is hanged up on the wall counting the days till their debut. Red crosses over every black number. Kyungsoo’s eyes get dry and so he blinks, focusing on another thing without moving his head.

He feels pressure on his shoulders, strong fingers digging into his skin. Jongin also told him it’ll hurt a little bit at first, but then you’ll feel good, I promise. He’s been enduring pain in his back for weeks now, but he didn’t want to say anything to their managers. With their debut date next to the corner, he was just too afraid. So one day Jongin said he could help, that he knew how to use his hands. And Kyungsoo trusted him. He breathes in and out, trying not to move too much, and slowly closes his eyes. He can’t even focus on black because when you close your eyes you just can’t see any colour.

“Okay”, squeezing hard for the last time, Jongin takes his hands out of Kyungsoo’s shoulders. “I think that’s it. Now maybe you’ll feel somehow tired, but later it’ll be like your pain never existed in the first place.”

Kyungsoo opens his eyes and looks back. Jongin stands there, a smile on his face and his eyes almost disappearing, looking at Kyungsoo proudly. His dark skin is full of strange shadows created by the dim light in his room, and he wonders if they could tell stories somehow. He wonders if Jongin is happy the way he is, if forcing himself too far everyday and almost collapsing on the floor is okay to him. He wonders if Jongin is the one who needs help, instead of him.

But he doesn’t say that. He just smiles to Jongin and tells him it’s okay.

“Thank you”.

“No problem”, he starts heading to the door, a hand on his hair. “Anything for my Kyungsoo.”

And as he disappears through the door frame, Kyungsoo gets up and crosses another day of the calendar. Counting them won’t make the day come faster or slower – it’ll come anyway, and he knows that. But he’s happy. Because Jongin told him to be.



2.

“Tadah!”, he screams in a funny voice, leaving a plate full of food on the table while five pairs of eyes look at him attentively. “I tried something new today. It’s called ‘peperoncino’, because it’s spaghetti with that kind of pepper. Maybe it doesn’t look as good as I had planned but… I think it does taste good?”

The big plate placed right in front of his fellow members looks lonely, without any other plate to accompany the other dish. Kyungsoo spent maybe more time than he had planned making it, so he couldn’t think of anything more and also, he didn’t have time. He looks at everyone with a smile on his face, wishing they’d say something. But they don’t. Even Chanyeol, who’s always talking, is staring at the plate with serious eyes.

“Uhm, do you really think this tastes good…?”, his voice hesitates a little bit but finally talks, while he curls his hair with one of his fingers.
“Of course it does! Come on, just taste it.”

Kyungsoo brings the plate closer to Chanyeol, who brings it closer to Baekhyun, who brings it closer to Suho, who brings it closer to Sehun and finally ends up right in front of Jongin. He looks up and feels guilty staring at Kyungsoo’s happy eyes. The older, encouraging him, moves his head as in eat it and Jongin knows he has no choice. Slowly he takes one bite, and the spicy taste is even too much for a Korean boy. Keep a straight face keep a straight face.

“Oh, it actually tastes good”, his full mouth doesn’t allow him to pronounce it well. “Like, really good. You should try it guys.”

And like this, Jongin gets up and heads to the kitchen. The boys start eating and actually find it goodbut Kyungsoo is worried, so he follows the dark-skinned boy out of the room. He finds him drinking a full glass of water in one go, and coughing while his hands are resting on the table. He notices Kyungsoo’s presence and stands straight.

“I just chocked a little bit, don’t worry”, he remarks quickly, a sudden smile on his face and a nervous laugh echoing in the kitchen.

“If you don’t like it you just have to say it, I mean, I’ll understand”, Kyungsoo just wanted Jongin to like it, just him, and he ed up another time. Great.

Jongin laughs more, looking at the floor in embarrassment. “Sorry.”

And even if the boys call for him and tell him to make more, saying the peperoncino is delicious, he takes the peppers and throws them away. Even if the members want to eat that, he’ll think of something else to make. Something Jongin likes.

So he can see him smile.



3.

Kyungsoo likes to write. But that doesn’t mean he does it good. Or that’s what he thinks, at least. But he likes to write and so he does it every evening when he’s tired of trying to memorize all the dance moves, lying on his bed with a notepad on his hands and a pen between his teeth.

Normally he just writes random sentences he likes, or words that sound nice put together – he never tried writing a story and he doesn’t really want to. He thinks reality is a story, writing you can only create specific moments that will never join each other. A scenery, a scenery and another scenery. He sometimes draws little hearts next to the sentences, and smiles because he feels like this is the right thing to do.

Jongin, instead, draws. He draws things no one knows about, but he tries to keep the canvas away from the sight of the members anyway. Jongin always says it’s his little secret, how every color follows the other and they end up being a perfect match. He says this is how life has to be – simple, but beautiful. A hand on his mouth and a smile and everyone forgets to ask what his drawing is about.

But Kyungsoo doesn’t. When the younger is drawing something on his sketchbook lying on his bed, Kyungsoo tiptoes inside the room as if he could wake him up even if he’s not sleeping. He watches him over the shoulder, and when he thinks he’s able to see something Jongin suddenly turns the page and looks at him with accusing eyes.

“What were you trying to do, huh?”, he laughs though he tries to keep a straight face.

Kyungsoo stutters because he has Jongin’s face too close and he swears he can feel the breath in his chin. He blushes but he tells himself he must be catching a cold.

“Uhm I wanted to see what were you trying to draw”, he slowly lies on the bed as Jongin makes room for him, tapping the mattress where he’s supposed to be.

“You have to promise me you won’t tell anything like, anything, to any of the members. If I hear you have told them I’ll, uh, I won’t give you any more massages.”

And Kyungsoo sits straight on the bed, hands on his lap, suddenly nodding a few times with decision to what the boy said. Jongin laughs and hides his sketchbook a little behind his body, as if it’s the biggest secret he has. Little by little, he starts to turn the page only to leave Kyungsoo with his eyes wide open. The page is white. White on white. Nothing. Kyungsoo stares up at him in disappointment.

“Ta-dah”, Jongin gives him a sad smile, his eyes staring at the blank page. “Here you have, everything you all want to see. My feelings. What I express on the canvas. What I really am. Nothing.”

Jongin looks sad, and it hurts Kyungsoo to the point he swears he can feel how the white page hits on him as much as it hits on Jongin’s confidence. The youngest leaves the sketchbook on the bed and lays on it, bringing his arm to his eyes just to cover them as much as possible. He sighs and Kyungsoo wonders if he should lie down as well. He does anyway.

“Why didn’t you paint anything today?”, his voice comes a little unstable, with fear – he wonders if Jongin hears him.

“I just have nothing to paint. I like doing it, I like creating things and I enjoy filling the paper with colours and shapes you could never think of. But I just need something to paint. I ran out of ideas. Nothing convinces me anymore. It’s just that I feel like nothing deserves to be painted. Is that weird? Well”, he laughs, putting his arm down on the bed and revealing swollen eyes.

“It’s not”, Kyungsoo hastens to say, every syllable leaving his mouth quickly, as he looks at the ceiling trying to find answers. Jongin stares at his lips. “Nothing comes out as you want. You can’t have it all, even if I wish you had. It happens the same to me. I can write, but I don’t think I could draw and paint like you do. Not even if I practiced for millions of years.”

Kyungsoo turns his head to stare at Jongin, and when his eyes meet the young boy starts to curl his lips into a smile. Kyungsoo blinks.

“Let’s make a story.”

“What?”

“You write it, and I draw.”

It sounds so easy but it’s not, and Kyungsoo just laughs because Jongin seems like a 5-year-old that wants to go to the moon. He pretends to get angry and throws a pillow at him, only to make him laugh even more. As he calms down, he stares at the ceiling again, suddenly feeling something inside of him, fresh air, hope.

“Sure. Let’s do it.”

Jongin laughs and jumps on the bed like – as Kyungsoo said – a child and the oldest can’t help to feel happy as well.

“It’ll be great, don’t you think? I hope we don’t get tired of it soon. I want to make it last.”

And Kyungsoo opens a page and starts with once upon a time.



4.

Kyungsoo usually watches Jongin dance. He’d never admit it, but he does. When the sun sets and everyone has already gone to their dorms to watch TV or simply rest, Jongin always stays in that cloud-themed room and dances. Sometimes he even stays until the sun rises again, and Kyungsoo feels bad. He feels bad because he knows Jongin will have to face eight more hours of dancing and eating almost nothing, without sleep and feeling tired. But he’d always smile either way, and Kyungsoo will feel worse. Jongin smiles and endures the pain saying that, to succeed, everyone has to give up a little piece of them. Kyungsoo gives it up every time he smiles when Jongin enjoys his dance moves.

It’s Monday midnight and they’re all leaving the practice room. Yawns and soft words are spoken, and the trainees are slowly feeling tiredness in their bodies. Kyungsoo tells Baekhyun to go first, saying he left some towel behind, and carefully heads to the practice room. He doesn’t open the door completely, even if he doesn’t hear any music coming from inside. Because he knows the strong hits and breathing noises are Jongin’s. He looks through the small space left and he sees how the boy is moving along to some non-existent music, how the sweat drops from his nose and jaw, how his face looks painful when he’s doing the most difficult moves. Kyungsoo sits there and watches all the time, until Jongin suddenly trips and falls to the floor. The sound of it scares Kyungsoo himself, and he has to stop the urge to go inside and help him. Even though, Jongin smiles and, slowly, gets on his feet again to keep dancing.

Kyungsoo’s always been a boy with bad luck. As he always said, if something bad has to happen, it’d happen to him and at the worst moment. And so, he sneezes. With all the strength his body has. And the youngest inside the room lifts his gaze only to find Kyungsoo with his eyes half closed and tearing.

“.”

“What are you doing here, Kyungsoo?”, Jongin heads to the door, opening it fully and making the eldest get up. “I thought you all were heading back to the dorms?”

“Uhm yeah”, he tries to make up an excuse, “but I forgot something here so I came to get it, but I see nothing so I guess I’ll come back with the others. Maybe I left it home.”

And “home” is a word they’re not used to, since you don’t belong to a place or a house. You belong to the people you spend your life with. And Jongin smiles, briefly, indicating Kyungsoo to enter. And so he does.

Jongin spreads on the floor and soon the oldest does the same, closing his eyes only to hear the breathing of the boy next to him. In and out. Somehow it could make him feel tired as well, but he feels relaxed at the sound of it.

“Don’t you get tired of dancing that much? I mean, you’ll get to do it every day when we get to debut. You don’t have to wait that much. Therefore, you are pushing yourself too far. Someday you’ll faint.”

“But it’s what I like to do. Would you stop cooking only because you get to eat every day?”, and Kyungsoo smiles at the words because Jongin is right. You never get tired of what you like. He never gets tired of waiting for the boys to shower after practice because he had enjoyed it, he never gets tired to watch Jongin dance because he likes seeing how the boy moves, and he never gets tired of making cupcakes because he enjoys how cute they look. Though he doesn’t say that out loud, what he likes is called Jongin and has a precious smile he cannot stop staring at.

“Let’s just rest.”

That’s all he says.

And Jongin nods, smiling and closing his eyes.

Kyungsoo just prays he doesn’t notice how, after a few minutes of hearing Jongin snoring a little bit, he takes his hand. If he doesn’t let go that night, he’d blame it on a nightmare.

Like he always does.



5.

Sometimes Kyungsoo wonders if the moment will ever arrive. He wonders if, someday, Jongin will look at him the same way Kyungsoo looks at Jongin. It may be a long wait, and he is aware of that, but when you have the boy you love in front of you eating at a restaurant the day before your debut, that long wait doesn’t even matter.

Because Kyungsoo will smile as long as Jongin does, and Jongin will always do because he’s happy to see Kyungsoo smile. They both love each other – it’s just that the oldest has already discovered in which way, and Jongin is still in the process.

Because he is not aware of the reason why Kyungsoo always wakes him up and brings him breakfast, why Kyungsoo looks after him when he’s ill, why he cares so much even if he’s the one who should be taken care of. He still isn’t. And he still isn’t aware of the reason why he usually stares at Kyungsoo more than he should, or why he finds himself smiling at him whenever Kyungsoo says something.

But he will. Someday.

He just has to remain there. Because Kyungsoo is willing to stay beside him. He will stay, because when home is right in front of you, you have nowhere else to go. He is right where he wants to be and knows that there’s a lot ahead of them yet to come. He will take it all.

Because someday, Jongin will know.

Kyungsoo knows that. He does because Jongin’s heart told him to. Jongin, somehow, told him to.

Until then, he’ll wait.