"You don't sound too good. Are you alright?"

Jinki clenched one of his hands on his lap. "Yeah, I'm fine." He pressed his lips together, stopping himself from emitting a sigh. Jonghyun had to call while he was looking at the growing thread in the fansite about Jonghyun and the unidentified guy.

"I'm just...really tired."

There was light laughter from the other end and for a moment, Jinki was relieved. It seemed Jonghyun didn't know of the brewing issue yet.

"Your bookstore must be very popular that they overwork you that much."

"Haha, I guess." There was a slight pause as Jinki tried to steady his voice. "Um...I'm sorry. About the event, I wasn't able to come and..."

"It's fine." Jonghyun's voice was so warm and smooth and Jinki almost wanted to see him but he couldn't. "I'm sorry I haven't been able to come over, too. We're preparing for a tour so we're booked the rest of the day."

"It's okay." Jinki breathed out in relief. It was perfect timing that SHINE would be on tour. Then he wouldn't have to keep making excuses about missing events and declining Jonghyun's invitations to meet up. "You should hang up. Aren't you in rehearsal?"

"Yeah, I..." Jonghyun paused and Jinki could hear the rest of the members being rowdy in the background. "I...you know I love you, right, Jinki?"

Jinki bit his lower lip as he closed his eyes, momentarily making himself blind to the comments in the fan boards. "I know, Jonghyun."

The other line was quiet for a while until Jonghyun softly spoke again. "Jinki. Don't forget that, okay? Remember it always."

"You're weird, Jonghyun."

"Just promise!"

"I won't forget."

"Okay. I'll talk to you later. Remember that I love you, Lee Jinki."

Letting out a shaky breath, Jinki hung up and leaned back on his seat, ignoring who approached and stood beside his table. "I told you, you should have told him!"

"I can't do that, Eunji. And you know why."

Jinki's cousin sighed and slid a USB drive on the desk. "Those are the photos from yesterday's open concert," she said. "I took as much photos as I could. I'll also take your photos in tomorrow's event. Heck, I'll go to all the events and take all the photos for you." She grabbed Jinki's mouse and clicked the x on the window on the screen. "As long as you stop looking at those threads. They're silly and they don't have enough proof so the issue will die eventually."

"Thanks for saving my face," Jinki said, giving Eunji a small smile as he looked up. "And for the photos. And for defending my site when you're asked."

Eunji shrugged and stepped backward to sit on the bed. "It's partly my fault why you got into SHINE. The least I could do is to help explain to fangirls that you're not the obsessive, clingy idiot they were making you out to be." She stood up on the bed and appeared to think for a bit. "Okay, maybe the idiot part is true..."

"Yah," Jinki said in mock annoyance. "But I probably am..."

"Don't worry, Jonghyun-oppa is more of an idiot than you," Eunji teased, although her expression softened. "I'm rooting for you guys even if I only have a fantasy relationship with Taemin, so don't look so down, okay? It'll work out."

Jinki only smiled. “I guess.”


 

A couple of weeks had passed since the thread about Jinki in the fanboard was written. The speculations and theories have decreased, and Jinki's site was taken off the target list, primarily because it still delivered photos even though there was no appearance by the "mystery guy" as they said. Jinki couldn't thank his cousin enough for doing his work for him, spending twice the effort in spotting the idols and photographing them properly. As the days passed, the number of people still bent on outing Jonghyun's "boyfriend" lessened, but Jinki's paranoia remained the same.

He had moved out of his apartment in fear of being constantly watched and transferred to a smaller one nearer to his workplace. Thankfully, the skilled fans hadn't located the bookstore yet, opting to watch the old apartment and Jonghyun's frequented places instead of digging up info about Jinki. Because of the move, Jinki felt more at ease in dealing with people at work and outside, although that also meant that he hadn't seen Jonghyun for a while. He hadn't told anyone except his cousin about the move and he didn't want Jonghyun to know anything about his problems at all. As much as he wanted to confide in the other guy or to ask for advice so they could solve this together, Jinki couldn't.


He was scared. But not of the fans.



In the months they spent together, Jinki realized that he didn't know that much about the idol. Sure, he knew about Jonghyun's family and favorites and dreams and goals, but he had no idea about the man's priorities or other qualities. All he knew was the Jonghyun who was cool and collected on stage but was cuddly and whiny in bed. He knew the Jonghyun who was a smooth talker in front of the camera but who stammered and embarrassed himself easily in front of Jinki. He only knew Jonghyun as a lover and friend--as someone who would be with him as long as they liked each other. But he didn't know if Jonghyun would also be someone who would stand with him when troubles came. Even though he was nice and gentle, he was still an idol after all. He was someone who thrived from the love of his fans. If that love was somehow ruined by Jinki, Jonghyun's career could be destroyed.


Jinki was scared, not of the fans, but of Jonghyun's choices.


"You have a visitor," his coworker urgently whispered, making Jinki jump and drop the book he was holding. As he turned around, his eyes grew wide and he quickly retreated to a corner, opening a door to their storage room.

"What are you doing here?" Jinki hissed as he locked the door. He was scared, but he couldn't help but smile at Jonghyun before him. The idol with a now different-colored hair had swaddled himself in an oversized coat, a thick scarf, glasses and newsboy cap. He looked almost ridiculous but his idol charisma managed to exude out of the coat, at least that was what Jinki thought. He wore a small smile, hands digging deep into his coat pockets. “Where is your manager? Does he know? Did you come here alone or by car? Were there people outside?”

“Jinki, relax,” Jonghyun said, laying a reassuring hand on Jinki's shoulder, then dropping it to his side when Jinki calmed down. “I'm with the group. They're right outside. I don't think anyone saw us, so don't worry.”

“Oh, I...” Jinki cleared his throat. “Haha. I'm just...not used to meeting you during the daytime.” He gave the idol a wide smile as much as he could while trying to push his anxieties at the back of his head. They were in a storage room, but there could be paparazzi outside and he didn't know how he could lead Jonghyun out safely. “You could've called me beforehand.”

Jonghyun slightly bowed his head. "Sorry," he said, voice raspy because of the cold. "I had to see you before I leave."

"Leave?" Jinki then remembered the tour. "Oh, the tour! Where are you going next?" He dropped the book he was still holding to a nearby pile and dusted his hands.

Jonghyun looked around for a bit, seemingly fascinated by all the books in the room. "We're going to Japan and then straight to the whole Asia. Then we're off to Europe and America."

Jinki nodded and smiled. That sounded too good to be true, but it was as expected for an idol group known worldwide. "Wow. That's really cool. Good luck."

"It'd take around eight months." Jonghyun was staring at Jinki, but it wasn't his usual stare and made Jinki uncomfortable.

But instead of prying, Jinki opted to laugh it off as he nodded. "I know. It's going to be that long, huh. I guess you won't be having an event here anytime soon."

“Yeah, it's a long time.” Jonghyun smiled and bowed his head for a bit, shuffling his feet. "Which is why, I think...I think we should stop seeing each other."

Jinki thought he heard something drop, but there wasn't anything moving in the room aside from Jonghyun's hand, which was pulling out something from his pocket. "W-what?" he asked, voice shaking. "What are you talking about?"

Jonghyun heaved a sigh, seemingly exasperated. "I mean, we should stop this...what we're doing. Since I'm going to be away for a long time anyway and..." He seemed startled when Jinki cut him off, and Jinki thought he had an unreadable expression on his face.

"I...My feelings won't change even if we don't see each other!" Jinki quickly said, his hand absently reaching out to touch Jonghyun's coat sleeve. “Jonghyun, please. Let's talk about this!” He gripped a part of Jonghyun's sleeve, but Jonghyun raised a hand and gently pulled it away.

“Jinki, don't make this hard for me.”

“You're the one who is making this hard for me!”

Jonghyun scoffed as he studied the package in his hands, turning it over and over, as if he was avoiding looking at Jinki altogether.

“Kim Jonghyun. Look at me when I'm talking to you,” Jinki demanded, but he was the one who flinched when their eyes met. “Don't be like this,” he said, voice almost pleading. “Jonghyun, don't leave as if we didn't have something.”

Jonghyun handed Jinki the package, but Jinki never noticed how he accepted it. “You know it's better this way, right? We can still remain friends. You can still talk to me.” He almost wore a kind smile, and Jinki felt the knot in his heart tighten.

“Friends?” Jinki found it too funny and would've laughed if his chest and head didn't ache so much. “How can I treat you like a friend when we've shared something more?”

Jonghyun shrugged, then wrapped his coat more tightly around him. “Was there really?” he quipped before nodding and turning away.

Jinki could only watch with furrowed brow and open mouth as Jonghyun opened the door and stepped outside. One of his bandmates, Key, was waiting outside and gave Jonghyun a smile when they met. Without so much like a glance, Jonghyun swung an arm around Key's shoulders and they walked away, leaving Jinki standing in shock inside the musty storage room.

Jinki hadn't heard the way fans screamed when SHINE stepped out of the shop. He hadn't seen the faint flashes of light as SHINE were photographed leaving the shop with Taemin and Minho's hands laden with packages of books—probably a mere decoy to their real intentions in the shop. Jinki could only repeat one statement in his mind, blocking out the rest of the world.

This couldn't be happening.

As if catching himself, Jinki finally noticed the package in his hands. He opened it listlessly, letting the paper wrapper drop to the floor as he studied Jonghyun's parting gift. It was the book he had given Jonghyun as a support gift, the book of a hundred Japanese poems. As he opened it, some of the pages were unattached and slid to the floor with a rustle.






Jinki crouched down and picked up the papers. They were some of the poems torn randomly from the book, their numbers not even in sequence. Some of the lines were highlighted but Jinki didn't know why. He picked the pages up, not bothering to read through the poems, and tried to insert them at the back of the book. But as he turned the last page of the book, he found a note by Jonghyun, marking the book:
 

And at that moment, as he sank to the floor with hands cradling the book and eyes pouring out tears from his soul, Jinki felt like he was going to die.