His eyes linger, just as they always do, a little longer than necessary when Jongwoon bids them goodnight and leaves the living room to get some sleep. As he watches the man disappear down the hallway, his heart gives a pang at the thought that another day has passed, another chance gone to waste.

It has been years and he still has not told Jongwoon.

It is not until Donghae is crowing his victory that he finally becomes aware of his inappropriate deviation of attention. He hastily turns back to the screen, randomly punching buttons in his controller, but the game is already over and Ryeowook is smirking at him from across the room.

At moments like these, Kyuhyun does what he always does: pout and obstinately tell Donghae that his win was the result of more luck than skill (and a deadly promise to wipe the floor with him during the next game), all the while ignoring Ryeowook’s very existence. 

He likes to think that Ryeowook does not notice anything. He likes to think that he is very subtle about his little ... infatuation.

Well, once upon a time, he had liked to think that he was not infatuated at all, either.

Sadly, none of the things that Kyuhyun likes to believe is actually true.
 

~***~
 

Kyuhyun himself had never really noticed it in the beginning. 

Back then, it had seemed more like intrigue or fascination to him. Intrigue at this strange persona of Kim Jongwoon that he has never seen in anyone else before. Fascination at the quality of that unique voice, which had struck him speechless the first time he heard it singing.

Perhaps there had been a touch of intimidation somewhere in there, too. Intimidation at Jongwoon’s aura, that aloof and edgy air he seems to carry around with him (an illusion that will not dissipate unless you get to know him). And even Jongwoon’s eyes, that dark intense stare which had pierced right through Kyuhyun the first time he had been subjected to it, so that his breath caught in his throat and his body had frozen to the spot.

Kyuhyun had been more than a little cowed at the thought of sharing a room with Jongwoon then.

Later, when the wall between them broke and the uncertainty and tension dispersed to give way to warmth and affection, Kyuhyun had slowly become far too comfortable around Jongwoon to still notice how his actions around the other man would not be considered normal by most people. Like how his eyes would tend to linger on the other, eyeing the curve of his lips, the crinkle at his eyes and his endearingly small hands. How he would automatically close his eyes and smile a little whenever Jongwoon began singing, absorbing the beauty of his powerful voice. Or how he would unconsciously lean a little too much into Jongwoon’s touch whenever he hugged Kyuhyun or playfully caressed his face. 

All of that had seemed nothing out of the ordinary then.

It was not until the lips, eyes and hands he kept staring at began to evoke stirrings of desire in his heart that alarm bells began to go off in his head. Or until Jongwoon’s voice, husky and guttural, began to give him goosebumps even during mere conversations and not just when he was singing. Or until the brush of Jongwoon’s fingers on his face, a normal daily occurrence, began to feel like he was leaving burning trails of fire across Kyuhyun’s skin. It was then and only then, that it occurred to Kyuhyun that what he feels for this particular hyung may be extremely different from what he feels for the rest.

That realisation had been, if not anything else, simply terrifying.

In typical Cho Kyuhyun fashion, he had stubbornly told himself that it was all in his head and pretended for months that Jongwoon was just another hyung among the dozen dorky men who have become brothers to him. That Jongwoon was just like another Jungsu or another Heechul – nothing special about him at all – and he cursed his freaky imagination for being such a .

But when that same y imagination took everything to new heights, where he dreamed of other good uses to which Jongwoon could put his lips and hands, or other situations in which he would love to hear Jongwoon’s voice, or other places and ways in which Jongwoon could touch him ... well, it was only for so long that Kyuhyun could keep running away from the fact that what he feels for Kim Jongwoon is anything but platonic affection.

The years following his acceptation of his own feelings have been both torturous and exhilarating. 

It is torturous having to see Jongwoon everyday and know that he is not Kyuhyun’s, and that he may be possibly dating someone (Kyuhyun had mentally thrashed his, er, imagination once, when the stray thought of Jongwoon having a secret wife had crossed his mind). The greatest torture of all is the self restraint he has to exercise on a daily basis because it is all Kyuhyun can do to keep himself from jumping the other man. He often imagines what it may be like, just pushing Jongwoon up against a wall or onto his bed and having his wicked way with him. 

What he hates most though, is when he ends up imagining it happening the other way around: Jongwoon making the first move, Jongwoon cornering him in a dark place and confessing to him or pulling him into his room and making Kyuhyun scream his name all night – he hates such fantasies because, he reasons bitterly to himself, something like that will probably never happen. He has seen nothing in Jongwoon’s actions around him to suggest that the older man may possibly feel the same way about him. There is no reason to hope that Jongwoon will ever initiate anything between them. 

And yet, despite the pain of unrequited feelings and lonely nights spent either sleepless or dreaming, he cannot deny the thrill of being in Jongwoon’s constant presence. The butterflies in his stomach when Jongwoon meets his eyes and smiles, the shivers that run down his back when Jongwoon leans over to murmur into his ear, and the fire that burn along every fibre of his being when Jongwoon would embrace him from behind sometimes – he loves it all. Everything about Jongwoon exhilarates him, sets his heart pounding and steals the breath from his lungs and the words out of his mouth. It is a sensation Kyuhyun sometimes likens to being drunk; Jongwoon is like fine wine, sharp and sweet and somewhat bitter on his tongue, and Kyuhyun feels like he has drunk too much of it, too much of Jongwoon, and now he has gone to his head and there is nothing in this world that can sober him up again. 

He finds himself watching the other man’s every move. Jongwoon can constantly make him smile fondly or brim with admiration or be overcome with desire for him or die from second-hand embarrassment (this usually occurs whenever they are on camera) or even bend over laughing like a fool at Jongwoon’s quirky antics. At these times, the older man will look back at him and grin toothily and, immediately, some vital area of Kyuhyun’s brain will shut down and he will clumsily grin back before quickly averting his eyes, suddenly not knowing what to say. Because at these moments, when Kyuhyun is overwhelmed with so many feelings and things that he wants the other man to know so damn much, he can never find what to say. The right words with which he can convey just what Jongwoon means to him or how he makes Kyuhyun feel or how badly Kyuhyun wants him – somewhere on the way to his tongue, they get lost. 

Jongwoon leaves Kyuhyun speechless.

There had once been a time when Kyuhyun had decided not to say anything at all, to never act on his feelings, but as the years had slowly passed, he had come to realise the impossibility of it. He will never last a lifetime pretending that he feels nothing for Jongwoon, watching Jongwoon grow up and away from him, seeing him marrying and building a life with someone that is not Kyuhyun. He will never be able to console himself with them being just friends; at least, not without even trying to win Jongwoon for himself anyway. 

It had taken time to make that decision, but it has been years since and Kyuhyun still has not confessed. The prospect terrifies him and he is not sure what he fears more: the disgust or pity that may fill Jongwoon’s eyes if he were to reject Kyuhyun, or if Jongwoon were to accept his feelings and give him that brilliant smile of his. Kyuhyun does not know how he can handle either.

And so the years have passed with Kyuhyun struggling to hide everything from Jongwoon while being utterly addicted to him, trying and failing to pluck up the courage (and words) to tell Jongwoon everything, while Ryeowook slowly but surely picked up on Kyuhyun’s little infatuation (because, whether he wants to admit it or not, Kyuhyun is pretty damn transparent). 

Kyuhyun is especially unhappy about the last part.
 

~***~
 

‘So, are you going to tell him or do I have to?’

Kyuhyun almost spits out the mouthful of beer he has taken, but Ryeowook clearly has foreseen his reaction and ducks under the table as soon as the words are out of his mouth. He emerges five seconds later, leering while Kyuhyun coughs and unattractively wipes his mouth with his sleeve.

‘Oh, shush, don’t even think about lying to my face,’ he drawls smoothly when Kyuhyun, glaring ferociously, opens his mouth to retort. ‘You know full well that I know and you also know that I know how you know you should make a move on him already but you’re too chicken- to do it.’

‘I’m sorry, what?’ snaps Kyuhyun, running his fingers through his hair and already feeling a hangover coming on. He casts a look around at the nearly empty bar, cursing Sungmin for leaving early and thereby leaving Kyuhyun alone with Ryeowook. Ryeowook and his stupid migraine-inducing riddles.

‘You’ve been dying to jump Jongwoon hyung’s bones for years, Kyuhyunnie,’ Ryeowook states matter-of-factly, but his eyes twinkle naughtily. ‘I was just wondering if you were planning to do so anytime soon or do I have to make Jongwoon hyung jump you instead?’

Kyuhyun sputters unintelligibly – because he cannot believe he is actually hearing these things said to his face and from Ryeowook no less! – but the other man just chuckles. 

‘Wha – what, how do you even – what makes you think...?’ Kyuhyun trails off when Ryeowook shoots him a what-do-you-take-me-for-an-idiot? look. He settles for a scowl and a grumble of, ‘You make me sound like nothing but a ert.’

‘Well, is there anything else you want to do with him?’ Ryeowook prods, hiding a smirk. 

Kyuhyun is half tempted to tell him that yes, he would very much like to just hold hands with Jongwoon while walking down the street, and go on cheesy romantic dates to the amusement park where they can die screaming on the rollercoaster, and wake up early in the mornings to Jongwoon’s sleeping face, and spend hours together in comfortable silence, and surprise him with kisses when he is least expecting it – but by this point, his brain has caught up and vehemently reminded him that actually admitting any of this to Ryeowook will not be a Good Idea at all.

So he just grouses that getting into Jongwoon’s pants is not the only thing on his mind thank you very much and Ryeowook just shakes with silent laughter in response, his eyes gleaming as if he knows exactly what Kyuhyun has been thinking. They return to their drinks and Kyuhyun has ordered his third beer of the night when Ryeowook brings up the topic again and urges him to just call Jongwoon and spill everything.

Kyuhyun ends up nearly choking again, but Ryeowook rolls his eyes and repeats his idea. ‘I know you’ve wanted to tell him for years already. If you can’t gather up the courage while entirely sober, then just do it while you’ve got a few shots in you.’

Kyuhyun stares at him in disbelief and, with a groan, almost pounces on his new beer when the waitress brings it over. ‘Ugh, I’m not nearly drunk enough for this conversation.’

Ryeowook slides the tankard away from his grasp. ‘But,’ he adds, narrowing his eyes, ‘do it while you’re sober enough for hyung to actually take you seriously.’

‘I – I can’t, Wookie,’ moans Kyuhyun, burying his head in his forearms. ‘I’ve been trying for so long. I keep rehearsing in my head what I want to say, but ... I can’t say it. Every time he looks at me, I just ... I can’t.’

‘All the more reason for you to do as I say and call him now. You won’t have to see his face then.’

It takes twenty more minutes of urging, prodding and finally blackmailing (‘I know the password to your computer and I will tell Donghae hyung!’) for Ryeowook to get Kyuhyun to even take his phone out of his pocket. He dials Jongwoon’s number himself before handing the phone over to Kyuhyun, who accepts it like it is a bomb timed to go off at any second and reluctantly puts it to his ear. Ten seconds later, his face relaxes.

‘Voice mail!’ he crows, relieved. ‘I forgot he has a late schedule tonight. Heh, guess your idea was a bad one, Ryeowookie!’

With a breathless chuckle, he downs his beer, but underneath the initial bout of relief, he can feel the burning disappointment. Deep down in his heart, he knows how much he just wants Jongwoon to know.

Ryeowook sniffs and says nothing else, resorting to fiddling with his phone while Kyuhyun, suddenly feeling rather depressed, takes comfort in his fourth beer. They don’t speak again until thirty minutes later, when Kyuhyun – rather tipsy by then – is contemplating on getting a sixth drink, the door to the bar opens and a familiar figure enters. 

‘I got your message, Ryeowook-ah. I just finished my schedule and came here as fast as I could.’ 

Kyuhyun’s head snaps up at the deep voice and when he registers the face of the newcomer through his drunken haze, he seriously considers going for Ryeowook’s throat. How could he? Especially at this time?

‘Thanks for coming, hyung. Well, I’ll leave him to you then, shall I?’

Ryeowook throws Kyuhyun a smile that is hiding too much laughter, explains in a serious voice that he needs to meet up with someone urgently (‘Who do you have to meet up with at one in the frickin’ morning?!’) and promptly leaves. Kyuhyun looks down at the table, avoiding the disapproving dark eyes fixed on him. There is a deep sigh and then a strong arm is wrapped around his shoulders, helping him to stand.

‘Come on, you drunkard. Let’s get you home.’

‘’M not drunk,’ mumbles Kyuhyun rather indignantly, but does not fight off Jongwoon. ‘I can hold my alcohol well, thanks.’

‘Much better than me, certainly,’ agrees Jongwoon, pulling Kyuhyun’s left arm over his shoulders while holding the younger man around the waist. Kyuhyun automatically leans into him, craving his touch and the warmth of his body. ‘But you’re still drunk. How many beers did you have?’

Kyuhyun just shrugs. Jongwoon does not ask further.
 

~***~
 

Much to Jongwoon’s chagrin, Kyuhyun insists on walking rather than taking the van in which Jongwoon arrived. Kyuhyun is stubborn as a mule and, with an irritable sigh, Jongwoon sends off the van, explaining to his manager inside that he’ll get Kyuhyun and himself home safely. The bar is actually quite close to their dorms – just a twenty minute walk away – but considering Kyuhyun’s current state, Jongwoon’s irritation is justifiable. Nevertheless, he remains silent, supporting Kyuhyun as he guides him along.

The silence between them lengthens, not awkward but quite heavy, and Kyuhyun finally breaks it, ‘Why’d you come, hyun~g?’

‘Ryeowook asked me to take you home. And I can see why.’

‘Are you angry at me?’ Kyuhyun slurs over the words a little, but he looks around at the older man with such wide, hurt eyes that Jongwoon has to chuckle.

‘No. But I do think you should take it easy with the drinking. Well, you, Youngwoon and Ryeowook,’ he adds as an afterthought. ‘Keep this up and all three of you’ll become proper alcoholics.’

Kyuhyun harrumphs at the thought contemptuously. ‘Nope, I won’t. And Ryeowook is’ – he hiccups a little – ‘gonna die tomorrow.’

‘Why? And I doubt you will even remember any of this tomorrow,’ adds Jongwoon with a wry laugh.

‘I’m not that drunk!’ cries Kyuhyun and almost stumbles over his own feet. Jongwoon shoots him a dry look, but the younger man continues, gesticulating wildly and nearly slapping Jongwoon in the face, ‘I’m certainly not drunk enough tonot remember how Ryeowook is a deceptively evil little imp who dumped me on you, of all the people!’

That stops Jongwoon short. ‘What?’

Kyuhyun blinks, suddenly not sure what he just said. ‘Ehm ...’ 

Jongwoon is staring at him, all traces of humour gone from his face. ‘What does that mean, Ryeowook dumped you onme?’

Kyuhyun stills, freezing under Jongwoon’s intense stare, and suddenly he cannot think anymore. The sensation is not new to him – Jongwoon has this effect on him far too often – but this time, through his drunken haziness, he can feel a prickle of fear. For the first time, he feels like the older man is really looking at him, trying to see into his soul, seeking answers to questions that have probably never occurred to him before. It almost feels like a mental battle, like Jongwoon is trying to invade his mind, trying to force Kyuhyun into revealing his hidden feelings for Jongwoon. For the first time, Kyuhyun feels like he is about to be found out; that he is about to be dragged out of the shadows he has been hiding in for so long and –

He wants to be, he realises. All these years, he has been terrified of the consequences and shied away from revealing anything to Jongwoon. But now, overshadowing that fear is a boldness – an uninhibited recklessness – that is making him want to confess it all, to bare his soul to Jongwoon. 

(In a remote corner of his mind, he registers that he really must be drunk.)

Kyuhyun does not even realise he has moved until he bumps into Jongwoon, who instinctively steadies him with a hand on his waist and the other on his shoulder. Kyuhyun his dry lips, blinking through his hazy sight at Jongwoon’s confused yet guarded face. 

And then Jongwoon is repeating his question again and Kyuhyun does not know what freaky force of attraction impels him to do it, but he tips his face forward so that his lips clumsily crash against Jongwoon’s and then all is silent around him and Kyuhyun fuzzily thinks that the world is perfect. 

For the first few seconds, he registers nothing but the warmth and softness of Jongwoon’s mouth and how their breaths mingle together and how he just wants more, but then Jongwoon’s hands are gently pushing him away and Kyuhyun’s alcohol-laden brain puts up a neon green sign, NO! KISSING=GOOD!. With a soft gasp, he clings harder to the other man, digging his nails into his shoulders and pushing him against the wall of the dilapidated storehouse in front of which they are standing, all the while crushing their mouths together even more forcefully, refusing to let Jongwoon push him away because – because...

Oh, what does it matter, he is drunk and kissing Kim Jongwoon, after years and years of longing for him. He does not need any other reason. 

Jongwoon grabs the back of his neck, fingers curling into his hair and Kyuhyun moans in approval. Next moment, however, it turns into a mewl of displeasure when Jongwoon forcibly pulls his head away just enough to allow Jongwoon to face the other side, tearing his lips free from Kyuhyun’s. With an unsatisfied growl, Kyuhyun turns his attention to his exposed jaw line, mouthing along it and then down the column of his neck, pausing to nip and at his pulse point. 

‘Kyuhyun!’ Jongwoon’s voice is sharp in his ear, and yet throaty and guttural and it sends shivers down Kyuhyun’s spine. ‘Don’t, you need to – Kyuhyun, stop this! You’re drunk.’

‘Yes,’ mumbles Kyuhyun against the heated skin of Jongwoon’s throat. He drags his tongue over it, soothing the spots he has bitten. ‘I’m so drunk, hyung, so drunk on you all the time and I can’t get you out of my head.’

Jongwoon hisses something Kyuhyun does not catch, but the sound of it arouses him only more and he presses himself harder against him, against Jongwoon’s attempts to push him off. Grappling at the neckline of Jongwoon’s v-neck, Kyuhyun pulls it down to expose his collarbones. 

‘And this is why Ryeowook’s gonna die tomorrow,’ Kyuhyun adds in a rather slurred whisper, nuzzling Jongwoon’s throat with his nose before dipping down to kiss his collarbone. ‘He got me drunk,’ he murmurs between kisses, ‘and then practically threw me into your arms, knowing full well how much I want you,’ he dips his tongue into the hollow of Jongwoon’s throat and Jongwoon’s breath hitches, ‘how much I’ve wanted you for years ... and that I would lose control ...’

His drags his lips up Jongwoon’s throat and over his chin, seeking his lips, but Jongwoon’s turned his head away again and Kyuhyun leans in to nibble at his earlobe. Jongwoon’s hands tighten around his hips almost dangerously and he says, ‘Kyuhyun, let go. You’re not in your senses,’ but his voice wavers just the slightest and Kyuhyun buries his face in his neck. 

‘I haven’t been in my senses since I met you, Kim Jongwoon,’ he growls into his neck, feeling overwhelmed with alcohol, his loss of control and the feel of Jongwoon flush against him. ‘I don’t know what ...’ he shudders a little, ‘... what you do to me.’ 

He presses another open-mouthed kiss to Jongwoon’s neck, flicking his tongue out for a taste, before straightening up to face him. The older man’s eyes are dark and filled with too many emotions to count, but even through his alcohol-induced haze, there is only one that Kyuhyun searches for as he whispers, leaning so close to Jongwoon that he can feel the other’s breath on his lips, 

‘If I asked you to stay around ... be with me ... would you...?’

Jongwoon does not speak and his eyes are so piercing Kyuhyun almost cannot stand staring at them as he waits for an answer that does not come. All he can think is how dark those eyes are... 

So dark...

The last thing he sees is Jongwoon’s concerned face before the darkness claims him.
 

~***~
 

Kyuhyun wakes up in his own bed the next morning with a massive hangover and no memory of what happened after he exited the bar he visited last night with Ryeowook. Sungmin makes a face at Kyuhyun’s groan of agony and chucks him some aspirin before leaving their room and Kyuhyun lies in for another half hour – thank the Lord for those rare off days – before deciding that he is sane enough for some breakfast.

Ryeowook, Hyukjae and Donghee are still at the table when he stumbles into the little dining room of their apartment. Ryeowook gives him a look that is both knowing and curious while Donghee clucks his tongue disapprovingly and warns Kyuhyun not to let Jungsu know he came home drunk last night. He is just accepting the cup of coffee Hyukjae poured out when he hears footsteps behind him and he turns to see Jongwoon entering, dark circles under his eyes and his hair a mess.

If Kyuhyun were not currently suffering through the mother of all hangovers, he would think Jongwoon looks far too y than any man should be allowed to look first thing in the morning.

Their eyes meet and Kyuhyun suddenly gets the feeling that he is missing something. Bits and pieces of jumbled images flit across his mind, which rather resemble scenes of dreams he often has of Jongwoon and him together – he blushes as he catches himself contemplating a brief vision of him jumping Jongwoon and kissing him senseless in a dark empty road with no one else around – and he quickly shakes them away, irrationally afraid that Jongwoon will see his thoughts written on his face. And that is when he realises that Jongwoon is still gazing at him, his dark eyes searching and almost ... wary? 

Kyuhyun swallows, suddenly very nervous. ‘W-what is it, hyung?’

The piercing eyes narrow. ‘What do you remember? From last night?’

Kyuhyun blinks. ‘Last night...? Um...’ he racks his brains. ‘I went drinking with Ryeowook and ... and you abandoned me!’ he exclaims, glaring daggers at the man in question. ‘And then ... then...’ Kyuhyun frowns, abruptly remembering seeing Jongwoon’s face somewhere. ‘Um ... then hyung showed up...?’

‘Anything else?’ Jongwoon asks, his eyes still boring into Kyuhyun’s.

‘Um.’ Kyuhyun his lips. It is not fair that he is being cross-examined while going through such a hangover. ‘No...?’

‘Did something happen?’ Ryeowook asks a little too eagerly.

Jongwoon holds Kyuhyun’s gaze for a few more seconds before looking away. ‘Yeah. He insisted on walking, dropped dead halfway, and I had to call the van back again in the end.’

Kyuhyun winces. ‘I’m sorry for all the trouble, hyung.’

Jongwoon just hums and moves to pour himself a cup of coffee. He does not look at Kyuhyun again.
 

~***~
 

Ryeowook corners Kyuhyun sometime during the late afternoon when they both happened to be alone in the apartment and hisses in his face, ‘OK, what the hell really happened last night?!’

Kyuhyun stares at him, bewildered, and Ryeowook looks askance. ‘You seriously cannot remember? Obviouslysomething happened! Why else would Jongwoon hyung act like that around you?’

Kyuhyun wants to be defensive and demand exactly how Jongwoon has been acting around him, but he knows only too well. After that initial investigation during breakfast, Jongwoon had refused to look at him all morning, immersing himself completely in the conversation between Hyukjae and Donghee. And when Kyuhyun had bid him goodbye while Jongwoon was preparing to leave the apartment for his schedule later, he had neither looked at Kyuhyun nor returned the greeting. Kyuhyun had noticed the change all too well. He had just temporarily consoled himself that it probably meant nothing or he was imagining most of it.

‘I don’t know, OK,’ he says, stepping away from Ryeowook. ‘The last thing I really remember is you leaving and then Jongwoon hyung turning up .... but come to think of it,’ he adds with a frown, ‘since hyung had mentioned it, I seem to remember something about not wanting to ride home in the van...’

‘So, you guys were walking home. What did you do to him on the way, Kyuhyun-ah? Before you passed out halfway?’

Kyuhyun steps further away, frowning more deeply and feeling even more troubled. ‘I don’t know, OK! Last night is a blur ... I suppose we were walking and...’ he trails off, straining to remember. He can suspect that last night probably had not been as innocent as his mind liked to remember. From the moment he saw Jongwoon this morning, he has been feeling that something is amiss, something he should know. Jongwoon has never been that strange or tense around him. And come to think of it, now that Kyuhyun can actually concentrate beyond the iness of Jongwoon’s bed hair that morning, it all did suggest the night had not been peaceful for Jongwoon. 

He bites his lips, but all that comes back to him are those jumbled images again, the bits and pieces he often sees in his dreams – molesting Jongwoon in a dark empty street, kissing and touching him desperately, heatedly whispering his feelings against his neck while Jongwoon stands in shock...

Wait...

Realisation is slow to come, but when it does, Kyuhyun gapes at Ryeowook in horror. 

‘What? What is it, do you remember now?’

‘I ... .’
 

~***~
 

Kyuhyun does not ride the subway often. Mostly because, after his rise to idol status, he has just been driven around by managers. But even before that, even before joining his agency, he used to avoid the subway as much as possible because, during his younger days, he used to firmly believe that he would meet his destined soul mate by accident and that it might happen on the subway.

He still has that mindset, that belief in destiny – and which he has publicly admitted on national TV – but there are times when Kyuhyun does take the subway, even if not out of necessity. Perhaps it is the effect of the high speed of the subway trains or that gentle rocking of it when it is in motion, but Kyuhyun actually finds taking the subway calming when he is troubled. True, in some corner of his mind, he is terrified of meeting that elusive soul mate of his, but if he were to close his eyes and focus only on the rocking motion or environment around him, he finds it soothing.

As it is, Kyuhyun is in desperate need of something to calm him down now.

The line he is taking now is one he has taken before, quite a few times over the years in fact. When he needs to get away from his thoughts or just life in general for a few hours, Kyuhyun takes this subway all the way to its last stop and then rides it back to his original one in Seoul. Somewhat like taking a long, aimless drive in one’s car. 

It is late in the evening now and he is riding it back to his original stop. For the most time, he had been sitting with his eyes closed, disguised behind a low cap and dark shades, but now it is empty of people, so he removes his shades and looks around leisurely. He likes the serene atmosphere of subways when there are no other people and he is the only one left. It feels like his own little world and he can remain untroubled by anything until he reaches his stop. 

When he reaches his stop this time, he muses sadly to himself, he will be troubled by thoughts of Jongwoon and just what Kyuhyun had done to him last night. 

Stupid, stupid, he curses himself miserably. No wonder Jongwoon had looked so wary of him this morning. Heck, he is thankful that Jongwoon only reacted like that so far. His actions last night actually warranted a major freak-out and even outright disgust. Jongwoon’s calm interaction with him that morning had been quite a kindness.

He buries his head in his hands. He still cannot remember all the details of his drunken ministrations, but what he does remember is quite enough for him to burn with mortification and self-hatred. How could he have done those things to Jongwoon, how could he have treated him like that after so many years of declaring to himself that he loved him? Without even a proper confession, without Jongwoon’s acceptation of him, without his freaking permission...

Wiping a hand across his face, Kyuhyun leans back and looks around miserably again. And that’s when he notices the hunched figure in the corner. The man is wearing a dark overcoat with a red scarf hiding the lower half of his face, but he is twiddling his thumbs together and Kyuhyun can recognise those small hands anywhere.

‘Hyung?’ he blurts without thinking and Jongwoon looks up in surprise. Kyuhyun blushes immediately, but cannot look away once their gazes lock together. Jongwoon looks at him for the longest time before finally patting the space beside him. Suddenly feeling like his feet are two sizes too big for him, Kyuhyun awkwardly makes his way over.

Neither of them speaks for several minutes. Kyuhyun looks down at his lap, not knowing what to say in the first place, but then again, that is not anything new. He swallows thickly, wondering if he should start apologizing. What stops him is the thought that Jongwoon clearly remembers what happened last night, but that morning when he realised Kyuhyun has no memory of it, he had very pointedly avoided the subject. Maybe he wants to pretend that nothing happened, Kyuhyun thinks to himself. His throat clogs up at the thought.

And yet, he does not want it to be left as an unfinished subject between them, to be never spoken of again as if it never happened. Because it did happen. And it did not happen without reason; there are reasons, so many of them and his feelings are real no matter how hard he tries to hide them. And he wants to give Jongwoon the answers to the questions he knows the other must be having, but has not – and perhaps never will – ask.

‘I lied, you know.’ 

The suddenness of the admission takes Kyuhyun by surprise and he looks around with wide eyes. 

‘I lied about having a schedule today,’ explains Jongwoon quietly, not looking at him. ‘It was just an excuse to leave. I needed space and time for myself, because you gave me a lot to think about last night, whether you remember it or not.’

Kyuhyun swallows, suddenly feeling like the carriage they are in is too small and suffocative. It takes all of his resolve to confess, ‘I do remember. Now.’

Jongwoon still does not look at him. ‘Hmm. I walked around the city all day. And then I decided to take the subway. You know how much I enjoy riding it ... it helps me think ... you gave me so much to think about...’

Kyuhyun looks down at his lap again, not knowing how he is supposed to respond.

‘Why are you here anyway? I thought you had the day off?’

‘I do.’

‘And you’re terrified of subways,’ Jongwoon continues, lips twitching a little. ‘Doesn’t your destiny ride the subway?’

The hint of teasing in his tone makes Kyuhyun look up, on the verge of retorting, but then what he just said sinks in and Kyuhyun feels like the breath has been knocked out of his lungs. His destiny ... it has been a while since he last really thought about that – the last time he rode the subway was probably more than a year ago – but ... he gazes at Jongwoon, who is still not looking at him. Meeting his destined soul mate on the subway ... He has met Jongwoon entirely by coincidence tonight. He did not even know that Jongwoon takes this line, that he likes riding the subway when he needs to think...

His destiny. 

All Kyuhyun really wants to do right now is take Jongwoon’s face in his hands and kiss him.

‘I wish I can talk to you,’ he says abruptly.

‘You do talk to me, Kyuhyun.’

‘You’ve always been one of the most loving people I met after I joined SuJu and I can talk about everything and anything with you, except ...’ Kyuhyun has to force down the sudden lump in his throat, ‘except the things I want to say the most.’

Jongwoon looks at him then and Kyuhyun’s mouth goes dry. He quickly looks down. ‘That’s it,’ he stammers. ‘That’s exactly it. Every time you look at me like that, whatever words I’d been rehearsing in my head just go away and I can’t speak to you. You just take everything away, you ...’

You leave me speechless.

There is a long silence, broken only by the PA system announcing the next stop. And then Jongwoon says softly, ‘Talk to me now, then. Tell me the words you rehearse in your head.’ When Kyuhyun hesitates, he adds, ‘For now, pretend that nothing happened. Tell me what you would have said.’

He needs to take a couple of deep breaths before he can speak. ‘I would’ve ... I would’ve first asked you whether you had a girlfriend or were dating someone.’

Jongwoon smiles just the slightest. ‘I would’ve replied, no, not at the moment. And then I’d ask you, why, are you having girl problems?’

‘N-no!’

‘A boy problem, then?’

Kyuhyun gapes at Jongwoon, who just smirks demurely at him, leaning lazily back in his seat. And the conversation is just so normal – because though most people would not think so, Jongwoon actually would say something like that – that Kyuhyun cannot help but let loose a bark of breathless laughter.

‘And then I’d point out this interesting side of you that you somehow can never show on camera –’

‘And complain and ask me why I can’t say amusing things like this on varieties, I know,’ says Jongwoon amusedly. Turning a bit more serious, he adds, ‘Well ... now that you know my answer, what else would you have asked?’

The smile fades off Kyuhyun’s face and he has to break eye contact again. ‘Um ... I would ask a hypothetical question. Like ... uh ...’ he clears his throat. ‘I’d say, suppose that there is a person who likes hyung very much. Someone who’s liked you for an extremely long time, actually. If ... if you found out this certain person has feelings for you, and – and even if you never thought of them in the romantic sense before ...’ Kyuhyun wrings his hands together a little, finishing in just above a whisper, ‘would you be willing to give them a chance?’

Kyuhyun does not dare look up and Jongwoon remains silent for so long that the atmosphere becomes suffocative again. But when he finally responds, it is not what Kyuhyun expects him to say:

‘Before answering that, I want to ask: when you say this person likes me very much, just exactly how much does that mean?’

Kyuhyun looks up in shock. Jongwoon meets his gaze head on and there is a challenge in his eyes, daring him to tell the absolute truth. Kyuhyun suddenly feels terrified.

‘He ... he is in love with you,’ he whispers honestly.

Jongwoon’s eyes are unreadable. ‘And having feelings for me for an extremely long time ... how long is that exactly?’

Kyuhyun bites his lips. ‘Since a few months after he met you ... it’s been five, six years since then...’

Another stretch of silence passes – Kyuhun releases a breath he has not realised he had been holding – before Jongwoon speaks, quietly and slowly, ‘I would answer ... that whether I do know this person well or not, and whether I like them back or not, I will truly consider them and give them a chance if I think it could work out. However, I would highly emphasise the point that actually, I will most appreciate it if they actually came out and confessed all this directly to me, without hiding or pretending or beating about the bush. And,’ he adds, looking Kyuhyun square in the eyes, ‘certainly not while they’re drunk off their .’

Kyuhyun’s breath catches in his throat and, not for the first or last time in Jongwoon’s presence, the words die in his mouth. He stares at the man he has been pining after for years, lips parted.

Jongwoon leans a little closer, his dark eyes more serious than Kyuhyun can ever remember them being. ‘Ask, Kyuhyun-ah,’ he whispers.

The words that have eluded him for so long suddenly tumble off his tongue, as if desperate to be said before Kyuhyun messes up again,

‘I love you, Jongwoon hyung. I know you probably have never looked at me in that way before, but I love you and I’ve loved you for years and – and ... will you ... give me a chance...?’

He has barely come down from the high of actually confessing for the first time when Jongwoon hooks a finger around the lapel of Kyuhyun’s coat and pulls him forward. Kyuhyun swears his heart stops beating for a moment when their lips meet and he has to remind himself to breathe as Jongwoon kisses him, slowly and experimentally at first before becoming bolder, more aggressive. It is so much better than the drunken kiss he imposed on Jongwoon the previous night, so much more real, he thinks hazily to himself as Jongwoon weaves his fingers through his hair, pulling him even closer so that Kyuhyun is leaning into him, their torsos pressed together.

It takes a few more seconds before what is happening entirely sinks in and then Kyuhyun is desperately kissing back, wrapping his arms around Jongwoon’s waist and almost climbing into his lap. A rather shameless moan escapes him when Jongwoon, tired of only tasting his lips, slides his tongue into Kyuhyun’s welcoming mouth (significantly less forcefully than how Kyuhyun did it last night; he does not allow his mind to dwell on that for long, though), but he is far too gone by then to feel embarrassed over being too vocal. He presses even closer, every part of him just aching for Jongwoon, especially now when he can clearly feel just how much he has been craving for him, his warmth and his love and his touch. 

Jongwoon pulls away too quickly for Kyuhyun’s tastes, but then he remembers exactly where they are and the situation they are in and, blushing, tries to pull away. Jongwoon tightens his hold and refuses to let him budge, though.

Kyuhyun slowly his lips, tasting Jongwoon on them. His cheeks heat up even more. ‘So,’ he mumbles, ‘what does this mean?’

Jongwoon smiles slightly. ‘It means that yes, I’m giving you a chance.’

Kyuhyun’s eyes widen and an explosion of awe and happiness seems to take place somewhere in his chest. Jongwoon grins even more and clarifies, ‘I cannot say right now exactly what I feel for you or I have felt for you all these years, but ... I’ve known you for so long and I definitely know how precious you are to me and...’ With a rather thoughtful look, he leans forward to gently kiss Kyuhyun again. Feeling rather bold now, Kyuhyun slides his tongue across his lips and Jongwoon chuckles and takes revenge by nipping at his bottom lip. Smiling, he leans back. ‘Yeah ... I’m pretty positive I could get used to this.’

The subway pulls to a stop – theirs according to the announcement over the PA – and Kyuhyun, grinning broadly, takes Jongwoon by the hand and drags him outside. As they walk together, fingers intertwined, Kyuhyun says, ‘I still have to apologise, though. For last night. I’m so sorry, hyung.’

Jongwoon smirks. ‘I can’t say I appreciated being molested by a drunk dongsaeng out of nowhere on an empty street in the middle of the night. But ... it was probably a good thing? I’m thinking you’d have spent another six years in silence if last night didn’t happen.’

Kyuhyun snorts, though his cheeks are hot. ‘Yeah, probably.’ 

Jongwoon squeezes his hand and Kyuhyun squeezes back, resisting the urge to grin like the biggest dork in the universe.

Note to self: thank Ryeowook later.
 

End