Silvers of sunlight streamed through the window in the corner of the room. Warm rays of light caressed the propped-up figure on the bed, lost in a sea of blankets. It accented his pale face, bathing it in a serene beam of light. His lips upturned in a placid smile. 

The sunlight cast over the translucent tubes; one into his wrist, and another to his nose one for oxygen, whereas the other fed chemicals to his bloodstream. However, the sunlight missed yet another tube. One that ran underneath the light blue blanket, leading to a transparent tank, one filled with tea-colored urine. 

On the other side of the room, there sat another figure. Ears deafened by the rhythmically humming of the machine. Light brown eyes, staring into oblivion, staring into the vast nothing.

Outside, over the sterilized, white walls of the hospital, life was going on. The hustle and bustle of the city continued while inside the room on ward 501, life was at a standstill. 

Kim Jongdae shivered in the icy coldness of the hospital room. He despised hospitals.

 They reeked of death and decay, cold and lifeless. The shadow of death is lurking in the hallways; forever ready, always waiting. Waiting to strike, waiting to steal from the innocent. 

From deep within bed, deep, brown eyes slowly fluttered open, allowing the light to enter. He squinted as he slowly came to. From the bed, a hoarse voice with a thick accent croaked out,

 “Chen… you there?”

 Jongdae’s ears immediately perked up at the sound, and he quickly scrambled over to the bedside him.

 “Hey Yixing, I’m here.”

 The younger smirked s he peered over the metal railing, casting a shadow over the bed. The light filtered behind him, seeping through his brown hair that is a stark contrast to his pale skin. Chocolate orbs stared into his light brown eyes as he slowly reached out with a weak hand. He took his smaller hand in his and a weak smile crossed his face, and Yixing smiled back.

∞

All his life, Kim Jongdae was a bird in a gold, lavish, diamond-encrusted cage with an enormous, silver lock. The keys to his freedom in the death grip of his parents. His parents, the puppet masters of the façade he was living in. 

Jongdae was a living lie, a walking contradiction. Born in an influential family, came the fame and fortune. But he didn’t give a damn about that. 

His parents ‘protected’ him, shielded him away from the world. As such, his existence was narrowed down to mere rumors, a tightly woven secret, entrusted to few. As the years went by, the strings holding him, connecting him to the world, started unraveling. The strings were hanging, perilously thin, threatening to snap. 

However, one day, fate decided to smile upon him with kind eyes. One day, fate decided to give him something special.

It was a gift. Something money could never hpe to buy. 

Fate gifted him a new brother, a friend.

That was the day Jongdae started living.

Truly living.

You could say that Jongdae is somewhat a yardstick to Yixing. He was as stubborn as the earth and Yixing was as careless as the wind. Jongdae can be pushy sometimes, while Yixing was letting things be. He can be sometimes arrogant, and the latter was kind and gentle. Yixing liked to make peace, while Jongdae waged war. 

They couldn’t be any more different, but something held them together, and from that, fate forged something amazing. An uncanny friendship was born as the sky bent down and touched the earth.

Two different worlds collided, and harmony broke out. Like Yin and Yang, Black and White. Two opposites came together and a beautiful story of friendship was woven in destiny.

It was something that was always meant to be.

∞

“Hey Chen,” Yixing said laboriously sat upright and he grunted under the effort. Jongdae looked over him with nervous eyes and he reached over to help him prop up his pillow. A kind act many would not associate with him. 

Jongdae would never admit, even over his dead, half-decayed body, but the truth was, he had a soft spot in his heart for him. No matter how much he teased about his forgetfulness, his habit of spacing out or talking to his imaginary unicorn Lay, it was obvious of the affection he held over him. His heart ached to see him in such pain.

∞

Yixing gave Jongdae a reason to live.

When Jongdae’s world was dark and empty, he filled it with his ideas and uplifting smile. With Yixing at his side, he felt— no, He knew he could do anything. He helped him gain his own freedom. The one thing he craved the most, like an addict after his opium.

He did not break him out of his cage. He knew Jongdae was independent, so Yixing merely pointed him in the right path, and gave him the strength and courage to do it himself. He stood by him. Not in front, pulling him, not behind, pushing him, but at his side. With him.

When he was with Yixing, he knew he was free. He could break the chains that bound him being born in a rich family. He could be himself. He could just be Chen. He need not put up a façade that was befitting his society. No, with Yixing, he was free to be who he really was, and he finally believed in life. And above the others, they would fly, able to reach in the furthest corners of the earth, spurred on by each other. 

He gave him a strength he never knew he possessed. Yixing brought out the best in him, and Jongdae also did the same to the former. Both complemented each other perfectly. They are two opposites together making the wickedest combination conceivable.

∞

“Y-you remember back a few years ago, a-at our showcase?” Yixing managed to wheeze, and Jongdae nodded his head vigorously. That was a day forever etched into his memory. No matter how much time weathered over it, it would stay vivid and strong. 

The most memorable days start just like any other day, but they end phenomenally. You never know how truly amazing it is until you’re right in the middle of the moment. Then, before you even realize it, it’s over. But no matter how short the moment is, you treasure it. It sticks in your heart, like a seed, it takes root. Inside you, it grows and it thrives unconsciously, when you laugh, when you eat, when you sleep at night, and it becomes a part of you, and it builds you. It becomes you. It’s something no one can ever take away from you. 

Those are the days you say, Screw gravity, I can fly. They’re not perfect days, but they’re pretty damn close. 

The day Jongdae met Yixing was one of those days. 

He could draw the memory from his brain, and relive it as if he was really there. When he closed his eyes, the vivid colors, the familiar smells, all came gushing back to him. 

The first thing that came to his mind was, ‘Who is that guy with an annoying dimple? Just because he had a nice voice and can top of Jongin in dancing, who does he think he is? I have a great voice too, and I can dance… well.’ Nonetheless, that ‘guy with an annoying dimple’ became his friend. 

Fate threw him a lifeline, and Jongdae grabbed on. He was his confidant, his sidekick in trouble, and most importantly, his best friend. 

“I remember,” Jongdae smiled as cold nostalgia flooded him, and the pain in his heart ebbed, even if it was just a bit. 

“Good,” Yixing smirked. “I still can’t forget how you sang W-What is Love so well a-and all that.” 

Jongdae chuckled, and against all his natural instincts, the fire in his bones, he held back from slugging Yixing’s shoulder. “You know what? Maybe I shouldn’t s-stay sick. I can’t hear the ‘C’mon gege, make f-food for us! D-duizhang’s cooking i-is horrible!’ from y-you…” Yixing gave a soft laugh and Jongdae retorted as he smiled. 

Yixing laughed weakly and he let his eyelids close. Beside the bed, Chen waited patiently. Another word not to be equated with Jongdae, but Yixing managed to bring that out of him.

∞

He could read him like an open book. He knew him inside out, and he knew about all his problems. 

No one else knew how close he came to the edge of the balcony, mere steps away from the end. No one else knew the hidden secrets hidden underneath his long sleeves. No one else knew how tempted he was, to just take those seemingly harmless, tiny pills, and just be done with it. 

Despite that, he didn’t know about his problem, his one little problem. 

Yixing was a jovial person, a permanent smile, carved into his beaming face. His brown eyes, radiant like the stars in the night sky, are able to illuminate even the darkest bowels of the earth. He doesn’t show his flaws easily. You see, fate has a cruel sense of humor, because life is a funny thing. One minute, fate smiles upon you with kind eyes, and in the next, it mocks you. It scoffs in your face, its cruel laughter filling you ears until they bleed. 

Life is screwed up, simple as that. 

Us humans created fairytales, and fairytales were made to serve one purpose. They are made so that they allow us to escape this world of cold harsh reality, and instead, enter a new world. One filled with magic and wonder, and of course, a happy ever after. In a grand castle; there lived the prince and his princess, living in pure bliss till the end of their time. 

The fictional tales mock us with their utopian society. It derides us, and tricks us, leading us to believe that there really is a ‘happily ever after’. And we live our life believing that lie. It ridicules us, because the cold hard truth is, this is reality we live in, not some written down fairytale in a leather bound book. This is life. 

And life does not have happy ever after. After the best 4 years of his life, just when Jongdae believed he could have a happy ever after, Yixing fell into remission. 

Yixing had cancer.

∞

The year they met, Yixing had just finished fighting cancer after half a year. He managed to tread precarious, fine line between life and death and came out on the other side victorious at the mere age of 20. 

He went through a lot at that tender young age, but it filled him with wisdom beyond his years. He learned the important lesson of life, and as such, he made a vow to re-visit the room he was confined before on the day he was released. For him, it was a reminder that he was living on borrowed time, and he had to live each day to the fullest.

Even though he was declared cured by doctors, a part of Yixing knew deep down in his heart, the cancer was still lurking deep within. Call it intuition, sixth sense, clairvoyance; it was just something Yixing felt. 

Jongdae would never forget that day. How could he? No matter how hard he tried to eradicate that wretched memory, it had already fused with his mind. 

He could remember the beautiful view they adored on that day. He can smell the crisp, fresh aroma of leaves wafting through the air, mixing with his ebullient laughter. 

Tranquility just before tribulation struck. 

A phone call was all it took to throw his life into whack. 

He refused to accept it. After all, there was supposed to be a happy ending for him, right? That’s what’s supposed to happen! Not this… 

For the first time in his life, Kim Jongdae was speechless. He did not have a witty comeback prepared for what hit him. So instead of allowing his brain to process it, he let it in one ear and out the other. He did not want to believe it. No, he could not let himself believe it, so instead, he tucked the feelings away, and buried them under layers of lies. His own lies. 

For the first month, he kept gorging herself on his lies. He’ll get better. I mean; cancer! Pfft! Nooo, that can’t happen to Yixing! Nah! No way! The same lies became his mantra. 

On the other hand, Yixing had already come to terms with his own demise. He was reassured. After all, death is the great equalizer. Therefore, He held dear the time he had left, and he drew those close to him and tried to live his last days to the fullest.

∞

“S-sorry, I kinda dozed off on y-you,” Yixing wheezed as he tediously re-opened his eyes. Jongdae merely shook his head and laughed. 

It had become hard for Yixing to stay awake lately and he had fared better than most other times. Jongdae squeezed his hand and Yixing rasped.

“Talk to me.” 

“Duizhang, Lu Han and Tao v-visited me earlier. T-too bad they can’t b-bring Lay. The hospital has s-some problems w-with pets.” Chen rolled his eyes and Yixing chuckled weakly. “S-say hi to them for me, w-will ya?” 

The younger chuckled, “Say it yourself when you get out of that bed.” 

Yixing smiled beside him, but something in his heart knew… this was it. He didn’t have the heart to tell Jongdae. He just couldn’t.

∞

Weeks went by, and eventually, all his pent up emotions came gushing out like a waterfall, and denial gave way to anger. 

And all hell broke loose. 

“Get the hell away from me! Get away!” yelled more obscenities to Lu Han. He’s forgotten about him, Minseok and even he couldn’t remember Wu Fan but frankly, he didn’t give a damn. He could feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins and he punched the wall in frustration. 

The blood flew like an open river and he did not flinch, oblivious to the pain as he repeated the action, causing it to crack just a little bit. He turned his fury from the wall and grabbed the nearest projectile. He hurled it and flew through the air. The vase collided mercilessly against the cold, hard, unforgiving wall, smashing in into a thousand shards of ceramic. Another lamp met the same demise as the vase.

 He balled his fists and ignored the throbbing pain as he clenched his jaw and furled his brow. He met the gaze of his hyungs and Junmyeon, now in the doorway; jaws open wide, face as pale as ghosts. Without a word, he slammed the window open. The glass cracked, but he ignored it and with the ease of years of practice, he climbed down. 

And he ran. He didn’t stop running until his legs buckled underneath him. As he reached the Hospital grounds, He crumpled to the floor, panting. He slammed his fist on the ground, causing the blood to trickle once again.

“Chen!” 

The voice of Yixing, of all the people in the world, cut through the still night air. Jongdae stood up and turned around, drawing a gasp from Yixing. 

He could see the fire in Jongdae’s eyes. It was anger, pure anger. Yixing felt a huge knot in his stomach, and he felt like hurling. And this time, it was not because of the chemo. Jongdae’s hands were caked with dried blood, and fresh blood was dripping from his re-opened wounds. His hair became unruly, some of the bangs, wounds and blood covering half his face, and his face… his beautiful face. Jongdae’s’ face was stained with tears and sweat. The bloodstains mixed with his tears, standing out on his white shirt. His face was contorted, showing his wrath. 

“Hi bastard,” he jeered, and he laughed, sending a chill down Yixing’s spine. “You! You’re a ing BASTARD! Do you know that gege?” 

Jongdae sneered, pointing his finger at the brunette, and he gave another sinister laugh. He made a small step towards him. He took one small dangerous step after another, till he was face to face with him. 

And he slapped his gege across his face, hard. 

To Yixing, it hurt more than all the chemo he went through. It hurt even more than the cancer. He felt his heart being ripped out of his chest, and it was being stabbed, again, and again, and again. 

“ChenChen… please, stop it.” Yixing’s voice cracked. He couldn’t stand this. He grabbed his wrists. 

“Don’t touch me! Get AWAY!” Jongdae struggled, and he tried to break free. 

“Chen-ah… please, for me… stop.” his voice was soft and he could feel the emotion coursing through his words. Jongdae froze. He looked up, and stared into his watery brown eyes.

He took advantage of Jongdae’s hesitancy and he pulled him into an enormous hug. Yixing leaned against him as he nuzzled his cheek on his hair and he just held him tight. 

That was when the younger lost it. 

The tears fell freely, and with each drop, he felt his anger slowly ebb away, only to find himself bargaining. Bargaining with sadistic fate for his gege’s life.

“Gege… p-please… please don’t go. I’ll… I’ll… I’ll do anything, please. You can’t… y-you just can’t” Chen managed to mutter as he let the tears fall into the latter’s shoulder, and he hugged his waist, afraid to let go, as if he would just float away right there. 

“Hey… you know I can’t do anything.” he sighed and hugged him tighter. “I’m sorry. I’m sooo sorry Chen.” he whispered as his own tears rolled down his cheek. 

The brunette placed his right hand on the Jongdae’s chin and tilted his face to meet his eyes. He stared into the iridescent, brown eyes, which only made him cry harder as he looked away.

Yixing smiled through his tears, and gently, he thumbed the former’s hair out of his eyes, and pushed them over his ears. 

“It’s not the end of the world Kim Jongdae,” he smiled weakly, gazing on those watery light brown eyes. 

“C-close en-en-enough.” he replied, as he tried to stop the tears streaming down his face. “C-can I ask y-you s-some-something?” 

“Yes?” the latter asked breathlessly, as Jongdae forced himself to stare into his eyes, “Yixing…tell m-me, are you…yo-you g-g-g-gonna, d-d-d…” 

He just couldn’t place the words, ‘Yixing’ and ‘die’ in the same sentence. He tried to control his wavering voice, but to no avail. He took a deep breath and let out, “You’re not going to make it, are you?” 

Yixing cupped his face serenely, soft rays of moonlight accenting his face. As Jongdae regarded him, he swore he saw anguish cross his face, only to be replaced with calmness. It was a look of peace and tranquility. 

He held Jongdae’s gaze as he whispered softly with a crestfallen smile, “Sorry Chen, but this is life.”

∞

With that, for the first time in 4 years, Jongdae felt alone again. Yixing’s wasn’t gone yet, but he could already feel the empty void he was going to leave him, and it broke his heart. 

He was overwhelmed with waves of frustration, the feeling welling up inside him, suffocating him from the inside. The feelings that had evanescent when Yixing came into his life returned with a vengeance. 

To Jongdae, the worst part was that he couldn’t even do anything. He was stuck at the sidelines, a mere spectator as he watched Yixing fade away cell by cell in front of his eyes. Never in her life had Chen felt so weak and helpless. 

And so, he cried. 

He cried for what could have been, what should have been, and what would’ve been if Yixing didn’t have cancer. 

And once again, he found himself close to the edge. Steps away from the end. The hidden secrets slowly returning as he donned his long sleeves. The tiny white pills sitting on the table, tempting his resolve. 

He felt like the same little boy caged in by his father just before he met Yixing. 

It was hard for him to come to terms with Yixing’s ailment, but like everything else he did in his life, he helped him cope. 

Even if it was the last thing he did.

∞

“Xingie gege…can I ask you something?” he bit his lower lip as Yixing’s eyelids opened up at the mention of his name. He had a feeling he knew what was going to come, so he braced himself. 

“Aren’t you afraid of… you know…” Jongdae’s voice quivered as his hands started to tremble.

He looked at him in the eye and the corners of his mouth turned upward into a smile. 

“See! I don’t get how you can… smile! I mean… seriously gege! You have cancer! And you’re smiling!” Jongdae frowned as he knit his brows together and sighed exasperatedly, “How can you always be so…happy?” 

Yixing chuckled, unperturbed. He gazed into Jongdae’s brown eyes as spoke in a soft voice. 

“Cancer c-can be something beautiful if y-you let it be. Thanks to cancer, I-I know when I’m going to die. Since I know what’s coming, I’ve been a-able to live the last 6 months of m-my life fully. I’m thankful that I can die peaceful in a bed, not yelling or screaming in terror as I burn in a car crash. These 6 months, I’ve been able to prepare myself so I c-can go in peace. Chen, these 6 months have b-been the best of my life, cancer or no cancer.” 

He kept silent, and Yixing spoke again. 

“This is life. We’re mortals. I’ve come to accept my cancer. You s-should too. There are just th-things in life that happen, and you can’t do anything about it. You can’t change the facts, but the thing you can do is choose how you choose to act upon it, how you look at it.” 

Yixing continued smiling. 

“You know, it was my cancer that brought us together. That day we met… I j-just came out of the hospital. That’s why I am thankful for my c-cancer. It brought me you. I just… have one last thing to do before I’m at peace.” His eyes shimmered, and he began to speak again, but Jongdae cut him off. 

“Gege… I… I just want to say thank you. Thank you for helping me with my problems. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for understanding me. No one has ever really understood or really cared about me till I met you. The best day of my life was the day you came into it. I’m sorry for always making fun of you and hurting you… but I guess that’s just my reflexes. I feel… safe when I do those things, I’m sorry if you ever took it the wrong way, but that’s the way I am. You gave me strength and courage to do thing I could never imagine myself doing.” 

Jongdae couldn’t stop the tears as they came trickling down his cheek as he tried to keep a brave front, “You gave me a reason to live.” 

Yixing smiled softly, tears b in his own brown eyes. 

“Chen, death ends a life and n-not a relationship. Love is how you live on even after you die. I-I’ll be there for you. Always have, a-always will. I w-want to die in peace, knowing that I have nothing left to say. Y-you should never let the fear or failure or rejection stop you from d-doing what you want to, otherwise you will live your life forever wondering, ‘What If?’.  So Kim Jongdae, I want to die with y-you knowing, this.”

Jongdae held his breath as he enunciated his words with tenderness, “I love you. I always have, always will.” 

Before Chen realized what was happening, he felt the hot breath of his gege on his face mere seconds before their lips connected. For that few seconds, the world faded away, the two in their own world. A world where fairytales and dream do come true. A world where a happy ending awaited them. 

Yixing pulled back and left Jongdae agonizing over the short, yet oh so sweet kiss as they were both thrown, spiraling back into our cold harsh world of reality. 

Jongdae smiled through the tears that stained his face, “I love you too.” 

In that moment, Yixing knew he could die. He could die and he wouldn’t feel any regrets. He was at peace. In fact, he could already hear fate banging on his door, but he ignored it, choosing instead to hang on. Hang on just a little longer. 

“Move over,” he ordered Yixing as he hauled himself onto the bed. He chuckled as he moved to the left, allowing Jongdae to join him. He rested his head on Yixing’s chest and he wrapped his arms around Jongdae. He couldn’t go now… not now… he would never be able to forgive himself if he were to let go with Chen in his arms. 

He could feel Jongdae slowly doze off as sleep overcame him. He was fighting the incessant urge to close his own eyes, but he knew if he did, he wouldn’t be able to open them, so instead, he watched. He watched Jongdae enter dreamland, and as he slept, for the first time in months, he had a smile on his face. 

Yixing bent over and kissed the top of his head, and he breathed in Jongdae’s scent. His scent, it reminded him of the spring leaves and he smiled. The humming of the machine that supported him was the only sound in the whole room, and Yixing contemplated his own life.

The hours passed as visiting hours drew to a close, and Yixing held no complaints over the life he lived. 

“Chen, w-wake up, you have to go.” Yixing whispered softly as he gently shook him. 

“Y-Yixing?” he rubbed his eyes as he came to and he suddenly sat upright facing the brunette boy, “, I fell asleep! I’m sorry!” he could feel the tears returning to his face.

Yixing laughed weakly as he grabbed his wrists. 

“It’s okay Chen. I had a fun time watching you drool over me,” Yixing breathed. “You’ve gotta go… v-visiting h-hours are over.” 

He gave him a hesitant look, but he jumped down from the bed. Suddenly, a weird feeling overcame him. Call it intuition, sixth sense, or clairvoyance; it was just something Jongdae felt, and it compelled him to say with a heart-felt smile… 

“Thank you for everything gege.” 

He grinned at him. “No, thank you.” 

With that he bent over and drew Yixing into a much longer kiss, and as he pulled away, he whispered… 

“I love you Zhang Yixing.”

“I love you too Kim Jongdae.” 

He finished packing his things, but as he stopped in the doorway somehow he knew in his heart, this was it. This was the end, so he stood in the doorway as he whispered into the cold still air of the hospital room. 

“Good bye gege, Wo Ai Ni.” He took one last pain filled glance at Yixing, who grinned at him, and he left, choking back tears. 

With every step he took away from Yixing’s hospital room, he felt fainter as he slowly slipped into the darkness, with one last, agonizing breath, he whispered… 

“Goodbye Chen.” 

When he was with Jongdae, he knew he couldn’t go. Only when he had finally left, did he succumb, and only did he allow himself to rest. Death had already been hankering since the day started, but still had unfinished business to attend to. 

Now he just felt tired. He wanted repose, and now he knew he could die without regrets.

And so, Yixing felt his arms go limp as he let his eyelids close the final curtain on his life, and he fell into eternal slumber, a smile on his cold lips. 

Unknowingly, he had flipped to the last page of his book and closed another chapter in Jongdae’s. 

Tragically, it was no fairytale ending for either of them but like any stories, fairytales do teach us something; they have lessons. And Jongdae learned the greatest lesson of all. 

He learned how to live. 

Kim Jongdae stepped outside the white, sterilized walls of the hospital with his heart at peace; with acceptance. He glanced upwards and as a gentle breeze blew his way, he swore he heard Yixing’s voice floating in the air. He whispered softly, the tears in his eyes b as the air laughed into his face, like a kiss on his lips. 

“Thank you Yixing, and goodbye. I love you.” 

Up above him, in the air, Yixing whispered back, “You’re welcome Chen, I’ll wait for you. I love you; I always have, and always will.”

 

originally posted on tumblr: [x]