Zelo panted hard as he heard Daehyun belt out the last note. He held his cool pose and waited for the applause to subside and the lights to dim. Sweat trickled down his back as his eyes swept the room, trying to see clearly through the bright lights. Finally, when it seemed that he would collapse from exhaustion, the lights shut off and he ran towards the dressing room.

Coodi-noonas fluttered towards him with hands that worked furiously and incessantly over his face and body. They wiped sweat and makeup off him and slowly began taking his stage outfit apart. Zelo found his way to a chair and sat down, feeling a dull thumping in his legs as he finally took his weight off of them.

No matter how many times he looked, he never got used to the reflection in the mirror. Amid the hands and wipes, he could see his face; his skin was milk white and smooth, his eyes traced in blue eyeliner looked huge, his lips had been glossed, his eyebrows had been combed. He looked incredible, but he could barely recognize himself. But as the makeup was coming off, leaving colorful smears on the tissues, he could see Junhong peeking through.

The small indent on the left just below his lips that had been meticulously covered up by the BB Cream was starting to become apparent again. Zelo reached up to touch it, fearing that one day it would disappear forever. He ran his fingers over the ragged cut and smiled slightly to himself. He’d never forget the day he was marked forever like this. He had learned a lesson and this scar was the proof and reminder of that lesson.  He sighed unhappily as he pulled his hand away; it was sad that so many parts of him had to be covered up. Why was this scar even considered ugly?

To him it was beautiful; it represented who he was. And he had to hide himself to the public for them to love him. It made no sense to him. But his passion for music drove him to hurdle beyond this smothering of self-identity and accept that he would hide himself behind his stage name: Zelo.

“B.A.P!” Yongguk’s deep voice thundered through the room.

Zelo looked up at his coordi-noonas before joining his leader. He stood between Youngjae and Jongup, who smelled like sweat and makeup remover. He no doubt smelled the same way, but he was slightly repulsed and edged closer to Yongguk.

“Our van is a little farther out, and there are fans outside waiting. So please just be courteous. Although I’m not too worried, but still, just smile and wave.” Yongguk smiled at his group. Zelo always found Yongguk very comforting, and he fully understood why the fans called him the father of the group. Zelo almost wished Yongguk was his father. “Understand, Junhong-ah?” Yongguk looked at Zelo with happy eyes before dismissing the small, impromptu meeting.

Zelo let the coordi-noonas wipe off the last of his makeup before picking up his duffel bag and queuing by the exit door. He shifted slightly under the weight of his bag, nearly smashing into Himchan who stood in front of him. He was so close he could almost taste Himchan’s shampoo, but he couldn’t back up because tiny Jongup was lining up there. Heaving a sigh, he let himself be sandwiched between his hyungs.

Zelo squinted when the doors opened and harsh street lights came filtering in. The night air was crisp and dark, causing Zelo to latch on to Himchan’s shoulders, afraid he’d get disoriented.

The maknae heard the fangirl screams before he could see them. Whoever said light travels faster than sound was obviously wrong. From the corner of his eye he could see the girls and boys that had come out to wish them goodnight. He turned his head and took in the black poster boards with colorful Hangeul or Roman letters that spelled out his name. Some included pictures of him decorated with hearts and glitter. It warmed Zelo’s heart, to see how much time and energy the fans dedicated to them. But he couldn’t help feel that he was betraying them, showing them an image that wasn’t him. He was simply projecting what he had been manufactured to project. He was supposed to seem perfect in everyway, but in reality, Junhong was a giant wreck of a teenager teeming with insecurities. It seemed unfair that the fans couldn’t see the more human side of him.

He smiled sweetly and waved when the girls continued to scream; he wanted to make them feel special, so he carefully looked each one in the eye. Their excited energy was getting to him, his weariness from the performance was gone as he saluted fans. But his euphoric moment quietly slipped away as he heard a couple of older fangirls talking about his body. More specifically, his .

His heart sank as they objectified him, disregarding his talent and passion for music. But what could he expect? His pretty boy image was the object of desire for most girls, whether they listened to his art or not. He couldn’t hide his face in shame, he was expected to keep smiling.

“Junhong, sit next to me.” Jongup pat Zelo’s shoulder as he ducked to get into the van. Zelo nodded his head and picked a two-seater, waiting for Jongup. He was happy Jongup was sitting next to him, because he wasn’t sure if he could put up with chatterboxes like Daehyun and Himchan.

Zelo rested his elbow on the giant windowsill and placed his cheek on his fist. He stared longingly out into the still night of Seoul, and watched the street lights blur into neon stripes. Slowly he let the gentle hum of the car lull him to sleep.

Zelo felt strong arms lift him out of the seat and struggle to carry him inside their dorm. He opened his eyes slightly and was shocked to see Yongguk carrying him. Closing his eyes again, he thankfully melted into his hyung’s arms, feeling safe for the first time in a long time.

He felt his body being placed gently on the soft bed, Yongguk’s heat leaving him and for a moment he panicked. He needed to feel Yongguk’s warmth; without it he felt exposed and vulnerable. He was no longer Zelo. He had left his protective shell back at the music bank, and now he was Junhong again, small, weak, and afraid. All of his teenage insecurities were rushing back to him.

The lights went out and he immediately pulled out his cell phone. Amid the millions of twitter and instagram notifications, he found the only messages that mattered to him. He scrolled through his email and tapped once on an unopened letter. He felt satisfied when the little blue dot turned white, and the full message was disclosed to him. He read each word carefully, again and again. His eyes jumped to the bottom where his parents had signed their names with a cute message.

Junhong let tears run down his cheeks. He sniffled softly and tried to muffle his whimpers by gently biting his knuckles. He knew should just let it all go now because come morning he’d have to melt right into Zelo again; the untouchable poster boy.