❝i want to go;
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                                                                         BUT I KNOW I CAN'T.

Taemin sighed as he entered the classroom, avoiding the stares of some of his classmates, while they feasted on him as a topic for their gossips, "He's really not coming?" "Oh, that's just sad; I wanted to take a picture with him so I could show it around." "That's such a bummer, and to think that high school's the time to make friends and memories; he barely has any of them." Dodging the rowdy boys running around the room, he held onto his banana milk tightly and slightly shut his eyes for a moment while walking past the tables. He was tired. Physically and mentally, yes, very much. But emotional-wise, it was on a different and a greater degree. He was exhausted up to the point that he wanted to break down and just give up. He had already sacrificed a lot of things but it seemed like the world was beginning to suffocate him.

"All of these will be worth it. All of these sacrifices will pay off." He mumbled to himself as he settled down on his own desk. He was resting his head on his desk while sipping slowly from his banana milk.

Taemin was a transferee. Due to his hectic schedule as an idol, he was forced to move to another school; a foreign place with no friends to talk to. He was yet another stranger to them and though his name was well-known around the place, it still wasn't his hometown and nobody knew about the real him. Most of the time, his status spoke for himself and made the population take him in the wrong way.

He has no friends. And it's because he thinks he's too good for anybody.

He barely made any remarkable memory here. Psh. What an idol.

Just because he's an idol, he's always excused, always treated like a prince, using that status of his to get his way around.

What an attention-. Trying to get all the girls' attention, thought I'm pretty sure he's gay. I mean, just look at him.

Wow. He even isolates himself from the student population, not joining any school activities. Who is he? The prince? Such a prick.

Voices echoed in his head. Stop. Please stop. Taemin sipped in the last of his banana milk, producing slurping sounds. He hadn't realized that he'd finished it; the voices were too distracting, disturbing, and more so even painful.

"I want to go," He blurted out softy, as if whispering it to someone. He then squeezed the bottle he was clutching, deforming its form. He wanted to go. He wanted to go to different places. He just wants to be free from all of these. Even if he had no friends, no one to go with, he still wanted to go to that school trip. Not just to say that he went to a school activity, but also for memories' sake. He wanted to have high school memories, just like any ordinary boy. He was fully aware that he'd have to give this up, too for his dreams, but can't a teenage boy like him still have fun? Can't he join a single trip to form a single memory in his dull academic life?

"But I can't." He sighed, placing his arm firmly on the desk and using it to push his seat away. He stood up and silently went to the trash bin just outside their classroom to throw the empty bottle away. On the way back, head still lowered and feet shuffling quietly, Taemin bumped into a group of his guy classmates. He just stared at their feet and mumbled a soft 'I'm sorry'. The boys were blocking the way and just like the humble and polite person Taemin is, he said a brief 'Excuse me' yet none of his classmates nudged a bit to make way.

"Excuse me." Taemin said once more, making it a little louder this time.

"What? We're not moving for you, little prince. Just because you're an idol, it doesn't mean that you'll get to boss us around." One of them told him with a piercing voice.

Please. Just please give me a break. I'm so tired of this. Taemin puffed his cheeks and slowly let the air out, his hair still covering his face because of his posture.

"Yah. Gow de ader weh, edyawt. (Yah. Go the other way, idiot.)" Another one said in a fail attempt to speak in English, while chewing his gum. Taemin just followed their demands and squeezed into the tiny space between the group and the desks. And still having not enough, the group shoved him sidewards, causing a collision between Taemin's hip and the hard wooden desk beside him.

"Who's so special now, huh? The school's no red carpet or stage for you to ramp on, prick! And what? You think you're so cool now that you're not going to a school trip and you eat at the teacher's lounge? Well, you're not, because you're as pathetic as any wanna-be can be!" Taemin winced at the sharp pain on his hip bone, but he still slowly walked back to his seat, deciding to just ignore the hurtful words thrown at him.

I'm used to this anyways. He thought.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Just focus on your footsteps. Concentrate on the rhythm and block all the noise out. Listen, Taemin. Listen to your footsteps. Taemin's thoughts urged him to go on. Keep moving. It was the only thing he held on to. Every school day, what he went through was so close to living hell and his mind was the only one that kept him alive. It was his only company. He was so lonely and sometimes, he wanted to quit it all and leave. Leave this stupid school. Leave this goddamn industry. Leave this life.

I just want to go.

***

Taemin closed the door to their dorm, placing the wet umbrella on a corner to let it dry.

"I'm back." He exhaustedly said out into the empty air, before combing through his damp hair. The dorm was completely devoid from any moving matter. It was filled with dry silence and no noise coming from any of the rooms nor light to brighten the place up from the ongoing heavy rain outside.

Are any of them home? A sigh escaped from Taemin's lips. He was starting to wonder how many sighs he let go in a day. He was alone again. He was alone even in the place he had to learn to call 'home'.

I really need to get used to being alone. I miss Taesun-hyung though. I miss Umma and Appa, and everyone back there. Taemin thought in the silence, walking past the other members' rooms and finally entering his own.

I miss them so, so much. He placed his bag on the desk, not minding the rain droplets that seeped into the paper underneath where he put it. He stared at the cork board posted onto the wall. It contained his schedule, a bit of notes here and there and the precious pictures of his family and old friends. He wanted to go back and leave the present. He longed for the freedom and joy he experienced before having this heavy title of being an idol on him. But this burden was his dream, and he had given up so much to reach it and now that he's finally here, he can't let go of all of these. But was it wrong for someone as young as him to wish for a little happiness? A little more color in his high school life?

He removed his cold and wet coat and hung it near his closet. I still have school tomorrow. He remembered as he clenched his fist and made his way to the kitchen, socks still wet and clothes unchanged. He boiled some water for a mug of hot chocolate.

I'm so tired. I want to take a break. I want to get out of this status just for once and be like any high schooler out there. I'm sick of being bullied even if I'm not at fault. I'm an idol, but I have not done any wrong, right? There's nothing wrong in achieving your dreams, right? Taemin ruffled the packet of cocoa powder and carelessly ripped it open with his shaky hands, spilling the contents onto the floor.

Just like how the powder spilled out of its packaging, Taemin's tears also started dripping. He crouched down to collect the powder, but it was too late, the powder was already mixing with his tears, which were now flowing continuously down his delicate face.

No. No. No. It's not my fault. It's not. No. No. No. Taemin repeatedly swiped the remaining powder, making a mess on the floor.

"It's not my fault!" Taemin suddenly screamed, his knees collapsing under his weight. His legs were now sprawled on the floor, his hands and dress shirt dirtied with a mixture of cocoa powder and tears. He covered his mouth as he sobbed, smearing the chocolate on his porcelain skin. The tears kept coming, rolling down and through his unclean fingers.

"Taemin? We're back! Are you home yet?" Taemin heard the dorm's door closing and his hyungs' voices booming in the empty place. He leaned against the cabinet behind where he was sitting and tried to muffle his loud sobs using his hands.

"Taemin? Are you here?" He heard the footsteps go to his room and then back near the kitchen.

"We know you're here. It's no time to make jokes, Minnie. We have to go to practice in a few." Minho's voice filled the kitchen, then later on the light was , making Taemin squint his eyes and curl up even more.

"Taemin?" It was Key's gentle voice this time. He kept his eyes closed, though the tears were still flowing, unable to stop. He  clenched his hand tighter, his nails digging into his skin and pressed the first harder onto his mouth.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Footsteps were nearing him and he stayed still, with his eyes closed and his sobs slightly muffled, but not enough to be not heard from where Jonghyun was. Jonghyun turned to where the soft sobbing sound came from and his eyes opened wide in shock.

"Taemin!" Jonghyun scurried over to the boy, avoiding the mess the boy made earlier.

Taptaptap. More footsteps followed and soon, Taemin felt arms shaking his shoulders. He couldn't make out the words they were saying, for he was crying even harder now. He was sobbing his heart out and his hyungs had no idea what to do.

Onew stepped up, just like the leader he was and moved closer to the boy. "Taemin. Look at me." Those were the only words that Taemin heard after he had calmed down a bit, tears still rolling down his cheeks, but not as much as before.

"Taemin." The youngest of them five sniffled and finally took a peek. It was Minho who spoke up this time.

"Minnie, are you alright?" Key's anxious voice rang in Taemin's ears. No. I'm not alright. I'm far from alright. Taemin answered his hyung in his head. His throat was too dry to speak.

"What did you do, Taemin? Why's there chocolate on the floor and on your hands?" He felt fingers slipping under his chin and nudged it upwards. The full scene came into view. It was Onew's firm yet soft voice that asked him.

It's not my fault. I've done no wrong. It's not my fault. Taemin's thoughts reeled and unconsciously, his mouth mumbled out what he was thinking.

"What? We don't understand you, Taemin. What do you mean by 'not my fault'?" Jonghyun asked as he sat beside Taemin, placing his warm hand on the boy's arm.

"Oh! You're cold, Taemin! And your hair's damp!" Jonghyun formed the realization after the brief touch. Key immediately left the kitchen and quickly returned with a towel in his hands.

"Here. Minho, dry his hair. I'll clean the floor." Key handed the towel to Minho and got the rag hung near the fridge and started wiping the chocolate off the tiled ground.

"How about let's go to the sofa instead?" Taemin stayed silent and just moved with his hyungs. Minho lead him to sofa and sat him down. The others just sat and watched as Minho wiped the chocolate off Taemin's face and hands.

"What's the matter, Tae?" Jonghyun asked, the younger boy responding with him only lowering his head and slowly shaking it from side to side.

"Come on, Taemin. You know you can tell us anything." Onew placed his hand on a small part of Taemin's back.

"I-I wanna go to the school field trip... B-but... I know I can't." Taemin forced the words out of his mouth. He had to get it out some way, right?

"You're crying because of that?" Minho's head cocked sidewards, his gaze not leaving Taemin's face.

"I'm pretty sure it's not just because of that, Minho." Key finally entered the room and took a seat beside Onew.

"Did a noona harass you again? Did they keep on bugging you with their stupid excuses and childish favors?" Jonghyun asked with a harsher tone, fully facing the youngest. He remembered that time that Taemin came home from school, hunched and his spirit down more than the usual. It was also raining and his eyes were blood-shot from crying while the rain soaked his uniform on his way home. Taemin had no strength to carry the umbrella properly anymore, so he just let the raindrops mix with his teardrops.

"Taemin-ah~ When is Jonghyun holding his birthday party?" The noona asked Taemin, sheltering under his umbrella. Taemin stayed silent, still walking.

"Do you want to date noona? Why don't you hold my hand, huh? Why are you ignoring noona? Do you really hate noona that much?" She continued bombarding Taemin with questions.

"You hurt noona's heart, Taemin-ah."

"Are you not gonna answer me? Isn't Jonghyun having his birthday party?"

"I'm gonna scold you a lot for not answering my question about Jonghyun's birthday." The older girl took a snapshot of the defenseless Taemin, before a tear ran down his face.

Taemin clearly remembered the harassment he had experienced that day. Jonghyun, of course being the one pestered about, remembered Taemin's story as clearly as Taemin remembered the experience.

Is it because of me again? Or any of us? I'm so, so sorry, Tae." Jonghyun firmly placed his hand on Taemin's knee and gave him a sincere apologetic look.

"N-no, hyung. It wasn't because of you, or any of you hyungs. It-it was b-because of m-me," Taemin stuttered even more at the latter part of his answer.

"I-I'm a big-headed prick. That's w-why. That's people h-hate me. I'm an idol and I'm treated as a little prince. They all think it's my fault. It's my fault." Taemin's tone became firmer, his fists covering his face again as he bit on his lip to stop himself from shedding tears once again.

"Taemin. You've gone through a lot to reach this dream of yours, okay. You have every right to bathe in the limelight. It's what you deserve. But that doesn't mean that you've become a foul person. Actually, your classmates are the ones who are foul. You're not even asking for attention and yet they're the ones who say you're getting all of it." Onew told him slowly, rubbing circles on his back.

"T-They said that I wanted to excuse myself from the school trip, because I was special. But... I actually really want to go." Taemin sighed while explaining the events that occurred earlier.

"That's absurd! Did they hurt you, Taemin?" Key, of course concerned of the boy's state thought about physical bullying first.

"N-not really... They just pushed me a little and I hit my hip." The boy answered raising his dress shirt, revealing the big blue spot on his hip bone.

The older boys all winced at the sight and Minho stood up saying that he'll get ice for the harsh bruise.

"We need to report this, Tae! This is too much! Jonghyun shot up from his seat, but Taemin's hand held onto his wrist.

"No, hyung. Let's just let this go. I don't want to stir up any commotion. Please. They'll only treat me worse if we tell on them." Taemin begged Jonghyun, his eyes reflecting the cloud of intense emotion inside him.

"But how can we stop them from bullying you, if we don't tell the authorities or the school administrators?" Jonghyun shot back.

"It's no use, hyung. The teachers are either being kind to me for some sort of special attention or hating on me, doubting that I really go to school from the start of period one. Please, hyung. Please." Taemin gripped Jonghyun's wrist tighter.

"Fine. But you have to tell us if they do anything to you, okay?" Taemin nodded.

"Taemin. Stay strong. I know it's tough dealing with this everyday, but it'll be over soon." Key told him, giving his hand, which Key had been holding since a while ago, a reassuring squeeze.

Minho came back with the ice pack and he carefully placed it on Taemin's bruise, "We're always here, Tae. Always." He gave Taemin a tender smile.

"I think it'll be better if you lie down." Minho suggested.

"Yah. Hyung. I can treat my own bruise, okay? I'm manly Taemin, after all." Taemin gave them all a cheeky grin, his nose still red from all the crying. The mixture of bloodshot eyes, red nose and a cheeky grin looked silly and made the hyungs laugh.

"That's the spirit, Tae!" Onew raised a fist into the air and gave him his kind toothy grin.

"But god, Taemin, you look hideous. You better sleep a lot tonight." Key squirmed, but still laughed at the end.

"Never mind Key, Tae. You know we love you, right?" Jonghyun asked, raising his eyebrows at the members. They all had their minds in sync.

"Group hug!" The older four shouted before attacking the poor boy.

He may not have friends at school and everybody may be looking down at him there, but he had his hyungs. And that was more than enough. He now knew that they were his happiness, after all.

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✉(A/N).

It was painful writing this, having to bully Taemin and imagining the things he had to go through to be where he is now. It didn't come out as angsty as I wished it to be, but I tried my best *sigh*. I hope it's okay, though! I haven't written a one-shot in a while, so... ><

( h a r l e q u i n. )