First Snow First Kiss by kpop4evah

TITLE - 4/5

The title needs a punctuation mark in between First Snow and First Kiss. Maybe a comma? It's quite interesting, but there is another story with the same title, so I can't exactly say it's unique.

FOREWORD - 2/5

Description:
I've always wanted to have my first kiss during Christmas time. Too bad it would be by the person I hate the most. Or so I thought....
Your tenses are different in both sentences. This confuses your readers. Also, you should have an ellipse at the end of your last sentence, which means only 3 full-stops rather than 4. Furthermore, you should rephrase the second-to-last sentence because it sounds informal.
Maybe you could rewrite it as "I'd always wanted to have my first kiss during Christmas time. Little did I know that it would be by the person I hated the most - or so I thought..."

Foreword:
There shouldn't be a description about the characters. In my opinion, doing this portrays you as a weak writer - a good one would be able to weave the details of the characters into the story itself, in a way that would be clear to the readers. There isn't actually a need for a description of the characters of your story, as the readers will automatically understand the characters once reading - provided that there are enough details in your story. Actually, to certain readers, having a description of characters before the story is off-putting. So it's best to just leave that out.

LANGUAGE USE - 0/30

I realise that when you want to portray the character's thoughts, you do it by making use of asterisks. This isn't proper English. Also, to some readers who may not understand your use of asterisks, it will be confusing. What you should do is italicise the thoughts, rather than using asterisks.

As I was doing my work I could feel him smirking at me and I couldn't take it.
Put a comma after "work" and "me".

"What the hell could you possibly want."
Use a question mark rather than a full-stop after that sentence.

God, I HATE this guy.
Italicise the "hate" rather than capitalizing it.

Graphic? Yes. Do I care? No.
This is a continuation of her thoughts, so this should also be in italics. It should also be in its own paragraph.

He gave his 'killer smile' any girl would 'die for.'
The "h" in "He" needs to be in small letters. You should also rephrase that because it sounds awkward. Maybe, "he gave me his 'killer smile' which any girl would die for."

"Before you finish I guess you don't know the difference between girls and s. Another thing don't bother me again or I might hurt that pretty little face those girls love so much."
Comma after "finish", "thing", "again". Add "which" after "face".

"Don't worry you're time will come soon." He winked at me then went back to chair.
Comma after "worry". "You're" should be "your". The "h" in "He" should be in small letters. You have many of these mistakes, so I'm not going to point that out any more. After a speech, the sentence continues, so there shouldn't be capital letters even after the end of a speech. Keep that in mind.

"It's so cold maybe I can use their bodies for warmth.. It's probably that thick headed Jonghyun isn't it."
There should be only one period after "warmth". There should be a connecter like "besides" or even "and" before the next sentence. That way, these two sentences sound clearer to the reader.

I heard them scream "Oppa, oppa over here!"
You forgot the comma before the speech.

*Let's just hope this doesn't happen again..*
Same problem as before: put one period instead of two after "again".

"Crap...I need to get out of here.", I murmured.
There should be a comma after "here" instead of a full-stop and there should be no comma after the speech.

"EXCUSE ME! GET OUT OF THE WAY!!", I said.
Since it's in capitals, maybe you should say "yelled" rather than "said" because "said" is such a common word. Using varying words to replace that demonstrates a strong vocabulary. Also, there should only be one period after "way". This is also a very common occurrence in your story, so I'm going to stop pointing them out. Just remember that there should only be one period after every sentence, unless you're using an ellipse, where you can use three full-stops.

"I don't know who you think you are if you want to see MY Taemin!", a girl yelled.
There should be no extra commas after speech. Also, when you want to emphasize something, you should be writing them in italics rather than in capitals. These are another two problems you have, so I'll stop mentioning them.

I opened up my textbook and got ready for class but before we started Mr. Kim introduced a new student.
Comma after "class" and "started".

"Okay class I would like to introduced Lee TaeMin.", he said.
Throughout your story, you use Taemin, so you should be consistent and use that over here as well. Otherwise, your readers may get confused.

As soon as Mr. Kim said that the girls started whispering, "I hope he sits next to me!"
Comma after "that".

As for me I started doing my homework ahead of time as always.
Comma after "me" and "time". Commas are very important for the flow of your story, so don't forget to add them when they're needed!

"Kim SunHi raise you hand please. Taemin you will sit next to her.",Mr. Kim said.
SunHi should either be Sunhi or Sun Hi. You shouldn't put two capital letters in one word.

I obeyed and Taemin came and sat next to me.
Comma after "obeyed". Also, maybe you should change one of the "and"s because there are two in the same sentence, which is awkward. It could be "I obeyed, while Taemin came and sat next to me."

"Hi  I'm Taemin. I hope we can be good friends!" He smiled and opened his textbook. *Well at least he's not as annoying as Jonghyun.*
Comma after "hi" and "well".

"Hi Sunhi, hi Taemin." You turned around and saw Jonghyun.
Who is the "you"?

"Hi hyung!"
Comma after "hi".

I noticed the way Jonghyun said hi seemed different. I know usually you couldn't tell someone changed just by the way they talked but I could.
Add a "that" after "noticed", and quotation marks around the "hi". Also, reword the second sentence because that doesn't really make sense.

"Taemin you're suppose to be helping me!", I shouted.
Comma after "Taemin".

"Sorry hyung but you didn't tell me she was so pretty!!" He tried to apologize but i ignored it.
Comma after "sorry" and "hyung". Also, your "i" needs to be capitalized because it is a proper noun.

"Hyung why don't you just tell her.", he said bluntly.
Comma after "hyung".

"Okay, fine. this is what I would do...."
"this" should have a capital "T", and your ellipse should be comprised of 3 periods.

After school I went home and finished my homework. When I was done I changed out of my uniform and went back downstairs. *YAY time for hot chocolate!!* I walked to the pantry and searched for some but their was none left.
Comma after "school", "done", "yay" (which should be italicized) and "some". Also, the thought should be in a new paragraph.

"I was looking forward to some too!", I huffed.
Comma after "some".

I plopped myself onto the couch reaching for the remote when the door bell rang. I fell on the floor and got up fixing my hair.
Comma after "couch", "remote" and "up".

"Who could it be? - . - .*
There shouldn't be any "-.-."

"Well it was colder than usual so I brought you your favorite hot chocolate.", he said. He smiled holding up the bag full of hot chocolate and marsh mellows. I couldn't help but smile back at his small act of kindness. Not to be rude I invited him in and made to cups of hot chocolate. I handed him a cup and we sat their in silence.
Comma after "usual", "smiled", "rude" and "cup". Your "to" in "to cups of hot chocolate" should be "two". In the last sentence, "there" should replace "their".

*Wow that came out wrong. Am I getting nervous or something?*
Comma after "wow" and "nervous".

"No problem." He didn't look up at me but stared at his hot chocolate.
Comma after "me".

"Umm Jonghyun was their another reason you came here?"
Comma after "umm" and "Jonghyun". "their" should be "there".

"Saranghae Jonghyun.", she said.
Comma after "Saranghae".

I blushed a little harder this time looking her straight in the eyes. She wrapped her hands on my neck and kissed me again on the lips. I kissed her back and smiled while still holding on to the kiss.
Comma after "time". Use " around my neck" instead of "on my neck". He can't really hold on to a kiss, so maybe you should rephrase that.

"So you used your fangirls to make me jealous, huh?", she smirked.
Comma after "so".

PLOT - 10/30

Chapter title for chapter 1: why is there a *teaser* in the title? The chapter itself is not really a teaser, but more like a real chapter, so actually, the *teaser* is not needed. Having it there just confuses your readers.

Also, there's nothing in your story about it being Sunhi's first snow, so having that in the title is very misleading. You're docked a large chunk of points for that.

Another thing is your description. It doesn't tie in with the story at all. Personally, when I read the description, I thought that Jonghyun would leave the country, or something dramatic like that. But he didn't leave at all. Similarly, the other parts of the description didn't match.

Furthermore, you started the idea in chapter 2 that Taemin had feelings for Sunhi. What happened to that? You left loose ends in the story.

The plot itself is good, but not very novel - it's an idea many have had and have used before.

Flow:

It clashed a little - there was an abrupt transition between chapters. Sometimes,  there were sudden changes in events, making the reader confused. What I'm referring to in specific was the part in chapter 3, where Sunhi suddenly remarks that there is something more to Jonghyun's visit, there is a change in point of view, and then she suddenly confesses to him. The thing is: readers don't expect Sunhi to be confessing all of a sudden. Throughout the story, she has been ignorant of him - she doesn't really care about him much, maybe to the point that she hates him. But suddenly in the end, she is the one who confesses her love for him first.

It is equally abrupt and confusing when you change to Jonghyun's point of view in the story. You basically disrupt its flow. For chapter 2, the change in point of view is completely unnecessary. Since she eventually reveals that she heard the conversation, you might as well just include her point of view while hearing the conversation. That way you also let the reader experience how her hate for Jonghyun changes to love while hearing the conversation between Jonghyun and Taemin. This makes for a smooth transition and makes your story sweeter and more fulfilling at the same time. Furthermore, doing this solves both problems I have mentioned so far.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT - 20/30

The characters here are less than substantial. Sunhi's feelings for Jonghyun changed in the blink of an eye - confusing many readers for sure. Jonghyun changes abruptly from a playboy to a sweet, caring person. At the same time, Taemin appears out of nowhere and develops feelings for Sunhi, then immediately tells Jonghyun to confess. That's not really anything someone would do. If you like somebody, you definitely wouldn't give them up by encouraging a competitor to confess, would you?

You can solve these by adding extra little paragraphs here and there. For Sunhi, a small paragraph maybe in Chapter 2 or 3, after she hears the conversation, could do it. It can be a very simple paragraph, like:

"After overhearing the conversation between the two, I felt my heart pang. Jonghyun really did have feelings for me? For some reason, I felt my heart soften towards him. Maybe I had judged him too harshly."

After that, when Sunhi eventually likes him, it wouldn't be too abrupt or confusing for the reader.

Basically, your characterization is alright - except for the part about Taemin - but you need to fill it in to make it less abrupt to the reader.

TOTAL - 36/100

OTHERS

I thought your story was very cute, and it's refreshing to read a story which goes straight to the point. I think that when you solve your glitches, you could become a really good writer. Good luck!