ZhouMi remembered being a good child. He always did as his parents suggested, he watched over his younger brother and aided his elder when he needed to. He practiced archery and sword fighting with his older brother Kangta, and learnt tea crafts and embroidery with his mother. He knew that he would probably be married to a man, but that didn’t mean he had to settle into the role of a woman yet. He hoped whomever he married would love him for who he was, or more likely accept him, since he didn’t dare to hope for a love match.  To dream of love was foolish in this class, love was a dream that was rare. Marriages were political and about families, nobody would marry someone they couldn’t respect and respect was gained through family worth.

He remembered when he was 7 his father was placed in charge of the largest army in the North. His father, a valued tactician, had been noticed by the Emperor and been given a highly prestigious posting. He remembered moving on to the new estate, his mother automatically getting the largest quarters due to her position as the Di’fujin. The new estate was next to the barracks and you could hear the soldiers moving about and the calls of the sergeants if you were at the back of the gardens. The estate was large and lacked the fancy embellishments many politicians and officials coated theirs with; this was the home of an army man. Practicality and precision ruled this place. This was also the year he gained a younger brother. Kyuhyun came into the world but his mother nearly left it.

He remembered he was 13 when he mother finally succumbed to the illness that had been eating away at her for several years. She had been ill since the birth of her youngest, Kyuhyun. After her death, 6 year old Kyuhyun started to live with one of his father’s other wives, a woman with no children of her own; Mi followed him, agreeing to live in the same room as his little brother so as not to be separated. His father took the death of his primary wife harder than most would have expected from a man as cold and unforgiving as him. Mi remembered the man going from a hard man who rarely showed emotion to a blank slate, he seemed to become even more impenetrable and fierce. Maybe Mi’s mother was more influential than people realised. Mi’s father turned his army into one of the most impressive forces in the whole of China; his men were trained until they were the best. He threw himself into his work and was only occasionally seen to visit his house.

He remembered he was 14 when his father told him he would start training with the cavalry officers and would learn to ride like one of them. He remembered bowing to the man who was assigned to teach him and thinking that the captain had such a kind smile and a handsome face. Captain Kim would ride with him almost daily, teaching him to have complete control and stability. The Captain would gently coax him into standing on his horse’s back, first at a walk, then a trot, then a canter. The Captain would fill him with confidence, his smile making him believe that everything was okay. The Captain treated him like a younger brother, giving him advice and treats when he mastered a new skill.

He didn’t realise until a year later that maybe it was more than casual brotherly affection on his part; he liked his riding instructor. Seeing Captain Kim made him feel warm inside, warmer than he felt around anyone else apart from Kyuhyun. A smile from the Captain would lead to him smiling for the rest of the day and he loved the feeling of calm the Captain brought into his life. Mi spent most of his time training or attending to the aunt that he lived with. He spent the nights wrapped up in the blankets with Kyuhyun buried into his side. He thought constantly, trying to become brave enough to confess. He knew he was younger than the Captain by a few years and he thought that maybe this emotion would pass, maybe it was a fleeting fancy, a fickle crush. So he kept his affection secret, he thought that maybe with time it would go away. After all, he needed to be certain of his affections if he confessed. He didn’t know if the Captain felt the same, so he waited. But he found that instead of shrinking, his love grew. It deepened and Mi found himself panicking whenever he thought of life in the future without the Captain.

He remembered when he fell while he was performing a difficult movement and curling up in a ball, scared that he would be trampled and seeing the panicked face of the Captain above him; feeling the elder his face as if reassuring himself that the younger was alright. He remembered the warmness of the others hands, larger than his and with more calluses, having spent most of his life in the saddle. He remembered the feeling of the stubble on the other man’s face when he had been picked up and their cheeks had brushed against each other’s and he’d heard the hitch in the Captain’s breath when he had breathed on his neck.

He remembered he was 16 when Sunny was assigned to care for him and Kyuhyun. The girl babied Kyuhyun and ran after him constantly, yet also seemed to know straight away about Mi’s feelings. It seemed that the Captain’s eyes lit up whenever he saw Mi and Mi thought that maybe there was hope. Neither said anything though, it was as if they had silently agreed not to mention their feelings out loud but Mi could feel them, it was as if a physical bond was between them, a strange gravity which meant they drew together whenever they were close to each other. They saw each other every day and Mi wondered if they should speak of it. He knew that his father probably wouldn’t approve. The Captain got promoted and another man was assigned to ride with him but the Captain still seemed to turn up during his training session. He remembered how he wished this time would never end, where they seemed to know what each other were thinking and feeling. He knew that the captain was apprehensive about their relationship; the captain wanted to be sure before he brought his suit to the general. He knew that the Captain was a naturally cautious man and would plan before he approached the general for fear of being rejected straight away. Mi hoped that the promotion showed the general saw a bright future for the Captain.

Mi remembered he felt beautiful and graceful and perfect when the Captain gazed at him with adoring eyes.

He remembered in the summer of his 16^th year going with his father to the capital. He remembered being so happy because he felt loved and that nothing could go wrong.

He remembered he was 17 when he heard from his father that the Emperor had matched him with the Eighth Prince. He remembered his father telling him that it was obvious to nearly everyone that there was something between him and the captain. His father told him that he moved the Captain to a different department not only because he was a good officer but because he had hoped to break the attachment between them. He remembered crying and begging and sobbing and feeling like his world had ended. His father, the man who had lost his heart when his favourite wife had died, had hugged him briefly and told him that this was the way of the world before walking out and leaving him hunched over on the cold floor. He remembered his elder brother coming in and wiping away his tears, telling him that no one can defy an Imperial Edict, the Emperor’s word is law. He remembered Kangta taking him back to his room, his tears causing Sunny and Kyuhyun to stop their games and rush to comfort him. He remembered crying for days. He remembered not being allowed to approach the captain anymore; he only saw the Captain’s sad and drawn face from across the parade square. He remembered the weak smile the other gave him as if to say that everything would be alright as if trying to reassure him and how it just seemed to break his heart further.

Mi remembered he was 18 when in the middle of the night, a week before he was to be sent to the capital, he left his room and went to find the Captain. He remembered sneaking into the other’s room in the officer’s quarters. He remembered the paleness of the other man’s face as he kissed away his tears. Mi remembered begging him to run away but knowing that they would never be able to. An officer abandoning his post and a runaway noble boy, they would both be found easily and killed. He remembered losing himself in the captain that night, telling the other that he wanted this; if he was to get married to someone else he wanted one night.

Mi remembered being escorted by his elder brother to the capital, bringing Sunny along with him. Kangta had always been distant from his younger siblings and the distance had grown even further after the death of their mother. But his sympathetic face and his delicate handling of his younger sibling made Mi feel sad that they weren’t closer. He remembered feeling as if he was breaking into a million pieces as Sunny dressed him in the exquisite red wedding gown and veil. He remembered the Eighth Prince slowly entering the bed chamber with a happy smile and his face falling when he unveiled Mi and found him in tears. He remembered the Eighth Prince wiping them away and saying he wouldn’t force himself on Mi. He remembered feeling grateful though still angry that he was married to this man in front of him.

Mi remembered being introduced to Heechul, who glared at him as if he was the dirt beneath his shoes. He remembered having to adjust to staying to women’s clothing and wearing women’s shoes and having a women’s hairstyle. He remembered Sunny’s soothing words and comforting familiarity that stopped him feeling like he was so alone in a whole new world. He remembered that the prince visited him nearly every day, slowly ingratiating himself into Mi’s affections. He knew that the prince had as little choice as he did about this marriage and was being incredibly patient when others would have easily forced themselves on their new wives and no one would have questioned it. He remembered that he couldn’t banish his thoughts and dreams of what he had hoped his life would be like.

He remembered his first night with the prince who acted as if he was a piece of fragile pottery and treated him with such care that he cried as he realised that he wasn’t being fair to this man because he was thinking of another.  He remembered the following nights when the tenderness continued and he found himself thinking of the prince more instead of the other but during the day when the prince was not around he felt himself wracked with guilt, both towards his lost love, who he felt like he had abandoned so easily and also towards his husband, who was acted nothing short of perfectly gentlemanly towards him yet all Mi thought about was another.

He remembered starting to feel an acceptance of his life now and his new husband yet he had still didn’t feel happy. He remembered Sunny coaxing the first smile in a while out of him 2 months after arriving in this new environment. He remembered his joy when he was told by the doctor that he was pregnant when he had been living with the prince for 6 months. He remembered the prince’s smile and happiness at the news. He remembered feeling as if this might be the anchor to keep him from floating away like he sometimes feels himself doing. He remembered praying every day for his child’s safety and health. He remembered feeling the happiest he had felt since he arrived yet not quite the happiest he’d ever felt. He remembered feeling that though his broken heart may never fully heal he could at least live. He tried not to think of the Captain, yet whenever he closed his eyes or slept, the captain was there whispering loving words or just smiling his happy smile. He remembered praying for the Captain and his health and for his good fortune and for his happiness. He remembered laughing to himself that he prayed more for another man rather than his husband.

He remembered being in his third month of pregnancy when he got news that his brother had come to see him. He remembered entering his sitting room to find a grim looking Kangta frowning at the wall. He remembered the feeling of dread fill him at his brother’s tense countenance. He remembered the words that his brother said but he felt himself go numb and his already broken heart shatter and it felt as if the pieces were splintered and digging into his ribs. He didn’t remember fainting and being put to bed with a frantic Sunny ordering for the doctor. He was told that by the time the prince had arrived the baby was already lost. He awoke and stared at the walls as the prince visited for a short while. A few days later he asked to see Kangta. His brother had wanted to deliver the news in person rather than a missive he was told, his brother was angry at himself for telling him, he felt like he should have waiting til after the pregnancy. Kangta’s forlorn face didn’t provoke any feelings in him, he felt emotionless. Kangta told him that the prince had written to father to ask him why he was so depressed. The prince had been worried about him. Kangta told him that the prince sent someone to investigate Mi’s past. Their father, worried about how the prince would react to finding out his wife was in love with someone else sent the Captain out on one of the front line forays. The unit was attacked and the Captain was a casualty, he was hit by an arrow to the stomach. Mi remembered tuning out after hearing the story and rolling back into a ball. He didn’t remember Kangta leaving but he felt Sunny’s soothing caresses at times as well as hearing her begging for him to eat. He remembered being told that his brother had left him a present and the screen being placed before him, the screen which represented all that he had lost, all that he had wished for. He remembered having it placed where he could always see it.

He remembered the prince visiting him and looking at him with sorrowful and apologetic eyes and telling him that he was sorry. He told him that he would come again another day.

Mi remembered becoming numb to everyone and everything. He only felt the guilt and grief. It was his fault the beautiful man he loved was dead as well as the child he had pinned all his hopes on. He was silent whenever the prince came to see him, giving the expected answers, polite and to the point. He prayed for the captain and his child, he prayed for their forgiveness. He prayed for his father and brothers.

He remembered being sent the letter that Kyuhyun was being sent to stay with him for a while before entering the maiden selections. He remembered being curious over how his younger brother could have grown in the last 5 years. He read that the younger was unmanageable, especially after Mi and Sunny had left. He remembered the panic when Kyuhyun had fallen down the stairs. He remembered the returned feelings when Kyuhyun was around, the lightness and joy he brought with him.

Kyuhyun entered the room as Mi gazed upon the screen. He walked over to his brother and spoke the elder’s name. Mi looked up and smiled brightly for the younger, genuinely happy that the other was there.

A/N: I am really struggling with this... I have rewrote this so many times and I still feel like something is missing, lacking, whatever's wrong. So I decided to post it anyway and see what people think and also would love constructive criticism/general advice/comments. This is what I would consider my first story, more than Startling By Each Step which a consider more of an adaptation.

I plan to come back to this and maybe rewrite it all over again. I just want to focus more on the main story because this has been bugging me. I welcome all comments! I really really want feedback! *begs*