“H-hey… It’s me… I-I was just… Just wondering if-if you could come get me… maybe? I’m… not really sure where I am… There’s a bakery and a flower shop here, they’re both closed though… I think I’m close by but… I’m not entirely sure… I-I know it’s late but, I don’t know who else to call… If-if you can… Please hurry…” Your voice shakes horribly and your words can only be described as desperate, broken.

It takes another three plays before the words fully register in Himchan’s groggy mind. Having just woken up, the shrill alert noise of his phone scaring him awake, he doesn’t realize it’s you who left the distressed voicemail. As soon as he does he jumps out of his bed and very nearly bolts out the door in his pajamas.

After throwing on clothes, literally the first things his hands could grab, he scrambles out of the dorm with a large umbrella and extra jacket. You are close, just three blocks away, and he wastes no time to sprint to where you are. It may be raining horrendously hard but it isn’t windy, thank god, otherwise his umbrella would be useless. That and at least you’re not getting attacked by the wind on top of being left out in the rain by yourself at almost midnight.

Himchan grits his teeth.

It was that bastard who did this to you.

He knows it, there’s no other explanation. Your jerk of a boyfriend left you out in the rain alone. Did he feel particularly douchey tonight? Did you two get in another fight? Did you break up with him—

He really, really hopes you did.

Although… It may not be for the noblest of reasons.

Sure, dumping that crap of a person would be best for you (he’s caused you more heart ache than happiness in the year you’ve been together) but, that’s not exactly the main reason why.

Let’s just say Himchan’s been ready to punch this guy unconscious for the past year and more than ready to make up lost time with you right after.

Not very civil but, the truth never is.

The pouring rain obscures his vision horribly but he doesn’t let that deter his determination to find you. He knows where you are, he just needs to get there. At least you lucked out when that jerk decided to kick you out nearby the dorms. Not that Himchan would let that stop him from going to get you. You could be on the other side of the world and he’d swim out to get you if he had to. He’d do anything for you, unlike that you’re dating.

Why can’t you just see that you deserve so much more than your hellish boyfriend?

Himchan swears on his idol status that if you don’t end things with your boyfriend after this stunt he’d going to lock you in his dorm room and personally drown that jerk in the middle of the Pacific.
 

 

The rain only seems to worsen the longer he’s out looking for you. He’s close now that much he can tell. It’s hard to be sure where exactly he is though, the usually bright signs are out and blurred in the darkness. That doesn’t discourage him. He just keeps looking for you, calling your name as loud as he can over the sound of the pounding rain.

”______-ah! Where are you? ______-ah, say something so I can find you! _______-ah!” he shouts squinting for any indicator of another person, the flower shop, bakery, anything.

 

Another unsuccessful ten minutes pass but Himchan hasn’t paused for even a second.

 

”______-ah!”

Another ten minutes pass.

”_______-ah, are you there? ______-ah!”

Fifteen this time.

”_______-ah!”

Twenty.

”______-ah, are—” Himchan cuts himself off. He swears he heard something.

”______?” he tries hopefully, finally stopping after nearly an hour of nonstop running. The pounding of his heart and cold stabbing his lungs goes unnoticed, the aches unimportant compared to finding you. He sees the vague lines of a person, approaching him slowly, tentatively.

“H-Himchan..?”

He wastes no time to reply and promptly goes to your side with three quick, long strides. With surprising coordination he manages to put the extra jacket he brought around you without the umbrella completely toppling over. You let him coax your arms through the sleeves and pull you to his side, your body an ungodly cold and shaking so badly it’s a wonder you’re still standing.

Himchan’s hate for your boyfriend increases significantly in that instant.

He lets that thought go in favor of you, keeping his arm around you protectively and comfortingly as he tries to offer as much heat as he can.

The walk back to the dorm is a slow but persistent one, Himchan leading as you hiccup and sniffle, clinging to him like a lifeline. He can’t decide if you’re sniffling because you’ve been standing out in the rain for so long or if you’ve been crying.

Probably both.

This further pisses him off.

How dare this waste of life do this to you?! How dare he leave you in the rain?! This bastard isn’t half the man he should be to you! You deserve more than this, more than the crap he makes you deal with—have dealt with for the past year. What’s worse is that you lethim treat you like this. You let him treat you like some thing, some useless accessory he’ll appreciate when he feels like it, which is never.

Why do you do this to yourself?

Why did you choose this jerk?

What does that scumbag have that he doesn’t?

Can’t you see how much better he’d treat you?

Can’t you see how much more he’d love you?

The way you should be…

The way he wants to…

Himchan’s heart hurts more now than after the unscheduled hour of cardio. It hurts for you, it aches for you. He just wants you to know how he feels, at the very least, how he knows you should be respected, appreciated, praised, complimented, comforted, protected, loved—

Is that so hard?

Obviously it is for that horrible boyfriend of yours.

Himchan’s silent anger dissipates when you speak up, voice faint and wavering. “T-thank you… Himmie, for coming out to get me… I’m so sorry I woke you I—”

“Don’t be sorry, I’ve told you before that if you ever need anything to call me and I meant and mean it. I don’t care what time it is or where you are, if you need me to come I’ll come.” he interjects with a sincere smile. You bite your lip and look down, nodding gratefully but unsurely. Himchan just tugs the borrowed hood over your head and replaces his arm around your waist. Unconsciously you sink into his touch, his jacket to take in his welcoming heat.

Himchan smiles to himself in spite of the situation, pleased with the reaction.

“Himmie,” you ask, voice just as small as before. He hums to let you know he’s listening, half-distractedly looking for the way back. He was running around in such a vague direction it’s a little harder to find his way back exactly. But, if he managed to find you finding the dorms shouldn’t be that much harder. “Did… Did I make a mistake..?” you ask, grip on his jacket tightening.

He pauses for a fraction of a second then recovers more-or-less nonchalantly.

“What do you mean?”

Nope, definitely not hoping that you mean your ideally, ex-boyfriend-to-be. Nope, not at all.

Not at all.

“Well… Everything..?” you say, voice softening more.

At this Himchan actually stops, turning to you bewildered.

“Why would you say that? ______-ah, did that crap boyfriend of yours say that? What the hell did he say to you?!” he demands feeling positively livid. It’s all this crap that your boyfriend pulls that absolutely infuriates him. He kicks you out in the rain, he leaves you to fend for yourself, he makes you feel worthless constantly—

Now what did that piece of crap say to you?!

Startled by his rising voice you fidget with the slightly too long sleeves of his jacket, conflicted and uncertain. You don’t know what to say, what Himchan expects. It was just a fight, granted a bigger one than usual but, nothing your relationship can’t recover from…

Right..?

Although… this time your boyfriend kicked you out of his car. You can’t even remember what you started fighting about (probably something small at first) but it wound up escalating to your worthlessness. He said that all you ever do is make mistakes. He said you weren’t worth the effort anymore. He said to get out and get lost. He said he never wanted to see you again. He said… He said…

“I’m a mistake…” you choke out, the horrible lump lodged back in your throat. Your heart hurts so much you don’t know what to do. It feels like you can’t breathe. A broken sob escapes you, a pathetic cry of your shattered heart and ruined self.

See, this is why Himchan hates that bastard so much.

All he ever does is make you cry.

Always.

Wordlessly Himchan pulls you to him with his free arm and gently prompts you to walk. You do, crying uncontrollably the entire way. His heart breaks more than yours, the sound of your tears for that undeserving wretch shattering piece after piece a thousand times over.

Himchan has truly never hurt this much for another person more in his entire life.

-

“Hyung, you don’t look too good.” Junhong points out over his bag of chips.

“Yeah, well, it’s way too early for you to be eating chips, maknae.” Himchan replies blandly, rubbing his eyes to only make Junhong’s point more obvious. The younger rolls his much better rested eyes and waves a chip in front of him.

“You’re just bitter you can’t have some without getting fat.” he retorts, eating the chip with a grin.

Himchan rolls his eyes half-heartedly back and glances down the hallway. Junhong follows his gaze, grin falling from his face.

“Is she okay?” he asks concerned for both you and his hyung.

Himchan sighs and rubs his eyes again.

“I don’t know, hopefully sleep will let her see that she shouldn’t keep putting up with that jerk.” he says staring up at the ceiling.

Hopefully…


“Himchan, you need to eat or do something. Just sitting there won’t do you or ______ any good.” Yongguk tells him for the tenth time in the past two hours.

“I can’t, I’m just…. I don’t know…. It’s-it’s hard to explain….” he mutters expelling a long dragging sigh. He’s exhausted, spent, and completely drained of all energy. It’s not the lack of sleep (he’s run on less for longer actually doing something). It’s waiting for you, hoping you’re not seriously sick or still pining for that jerk that’s killing him.

Himchan just wants you to be okay, be happy without that horrible guy.

It’s selfish but, he wants you to be happy with him. He’d at least treat you right even if he can’t offer you anything else. All he has is the ache in his heart for you, the biggest place you’ve taken in his life.

Yongguk puts a hand on his shoulder, entirely sympathetic and supportive.

“It’ll work out, Himchan. ______’s a smart girl, she’ll make the right choice.” his friend assures with an encouraging smile.

Himchan nods managing a small curve of his lips in return.

“Make the right choice for what?”

Himchan, after hours of waiting in a zombie-like state, finally moves. Springing up from the couch, his small smile breaks into a relieved and concerned one to see you up. He can feel part of the heavy burden on his shoulders lift finally seeing you. You look better than he thought you would. Though you look a little pale, you aren’t coughing and sniffling with the severe cold he was certain you’d contracted last night. Still, that you’re up and out of bed (not bedridden as he feared on top of everything else) with enough energy to mess around, for now at least, is a good sign.

(And you’re kind of in some extra clothes of his because yours were drenched and he’s just marveling how cute you look right now, which is completely adorable. His sweater hangs a little past your fingertips and just at your mid-thigh, the sweatpants—a pair that shrunk in the wash—are a little loose but fit for the most part. You just look so fluffy and cozy he can feel the cute making his stomach twist into knots because of how much he just wants to hug and cuddle you.)

Yongguk on the other hand just jumps a good three inches in the air and to the left. Putting a hand to his chest he takes exaggerated gasps of breath, though he probably was actually that startled.

”Dear lord, can you try not to sneak up on me like that? This old man can only take so much.” he exclaims giving you a jokingly stern look. You smile, not quite as fully as you do normally (so you are at least a little sick or fatigued, maybe both), and push his shoulder.

“Yah, what kind of leader are you if you can’t even handle me asking a question?” you tease getting a laugh from Junhong, who’s at the pantry with another bag of chips and hunting for more.

“What kind of fan are you, constantly hanging out in our dorm and abusing members? You’re like the sasaeng fan of sasaeng fans.” Yongguk retorts trying not to laugh at his own joke. There’s a collective eye roll from everyone present, Yongguk’s humor getting judged.

“I’m obviously the best sasaeng fan on the planet! How many of them do you know get to sleep in their oppa’s bed and in his clothes?” you retort pushing Yongguk’s shoulder, an amused smile tugging at your lips. Junhong chokes on his chips from laughing too hard, coughing but still cackling away. Yongguk chooses to help him as an excuse to avoid a clever retort. Himchan manages as small chuckle, glad that you’re still as spirited as ever.

That doesn’t mean he’s still not worried about you.

”_____-ah,” he asks, a light hand on your shoulder. You give him a small smile to let him know you’re listening. “Do you feel well enough to go on a short walk?” he finishes, prompting you to walk with him if you do. You nod and let him lead you out of the dorm, hovering near him unconsciously. Himchan tries not to let the fact that your arms are brushing distract him, he’s trying to be serious.

Honestly, he’s doing this more for his own sake than yours but, it must be done.

Once outside of the lively dorm Himchan turns to you while trying his best not to fidget or do anything else entirely awkward. You wait patiently for him to speak, your small smile becoming an encouraging one. This just makes it harder for him to spit out what he’s wanted to say since day one of your relationship with that jerk.

“Himmie, did sleeping on the couch get make you cranky? You’re usually a lot more talkative than this.” you joke, bumping him with your shoulder. At his lack of response you drop all the joking and put a worried hand on his arm. “Himchan, are you okay? Are you sick? Is everything okay—”

“Tell me you’re breaking up with him.” he blurts suddenly, startling you. Not expecting this reply you step away, take aback by his bluntness.

“W-what..?” you manage, bewildered.

Himchan sputters for a moment, unsure what else to say (not expecting to have said that either). How can he explain how much he wants you to dump this loser and move on with your life without being a complete jerk himself? The only way he can think of is confessing how he really feels about this—about you. But… That’d just make him sound even more selfish.

He really got himself stuck this time.

Groping fruitlessly for the right words he at least attempts a plausible explanation. “I—you—what he did last night to you, how he left you out in the rain like that—are you really going to keep letting him do that to you..? What if he just keeps getting worse? What if… What if he actually does do something worse to you next time..? What if… What if he winds up hurting you..? Are you really going to keep putting up with him after all that he’s done..? All that he might do..?” Himchan’s voice softens to a murmur, his heart aching for you. He doesn’t want to see something else—anything else happen to you. What if worse does happen to you? What if you do get hurt? What if next time he can’t be there to come for you? To rescue you?

What if, what if, what if.

Himchan doesn’t even want the probability of that “if.” He wants you to be done with that jerk, for good.

“Himchan, I know you’re worried about me but, I know him well enough that he won’t hurt me. What happened last night was… a misunderstanding. It was a stupid fight and it’s not like we haven’t fought before—”

“Exactly, that’s all you ever do. You’re always fighting, don’t you think that’s not really what a relationship is about?” he cuts in, disappointed and a little annoyed. Why are you defending that ? What could possibly possess you to still be on his side after last night? He wants to know because he really doesn’t get what it is about him that keeps drawing you back.

Maybe the whole “opposites attract” thing is an actual phenomenon after all.

You purse your lips and narrow your eyes at him, on the defensive. “We don’t always fight, just sometimes. Okay so, he can overreact sometimes—”

”Overreact? He kicked you out into the pouring rain at almost midnight on your own. That’s just him overreacting? He wasn’t being a complete, insensitive jerk with no regard for his girlfriend’s well-being?!” Himchan scoffs incredulous.

That’s the best excuse you can come up with? Overreacting?!

You flinch, caught off guard by his steadily rising voice. Himchan doesn’t relent. In fact, he has half a mind to seriously list every horrible thing that’s ever happened to you and why you should dump him this instant.

And so, he does.

“How can you possibly be this dense?! All he’s ever done—all he ever does is make you upset or cry! The small handful of times he’s been a decent guy doesn’t make up for the he is to you at all times of the day! Don’t you want better? Don’t you think you deserve better? Honestly, what the hell were you thinking saying yes to this guy? What is it about him that’s worth it? What could possibly be good enough about him that you keep crawling back to him after another ridiculous fight? Don’t you get sick of fighting? Don’t you get sick of being treated like crap all the time? Why do you keep letting yourself be stepped on by him? He obviously has no problem with it and he’ll just keep doing it until you break! Do you really want that for yourself? Do you really want him that much? Do you? Goddamn it, ______, do you?!” Himchan’s shouting now, his pent up frustrations from the past year pouring out in you now. All those times he’s had to comfort you, all those times he’s had to come and get you, all those times his heart has broken for you—this is the result. There’s no relief letting this out, it just weighs heavier and heavier on his crumbling sanity.

It all hits you hard, stunning you into silence.

You didn’t realize this is how he felt—how he feels. The quick rise and fall of his chest lets you know how serious he is about this, how hard his heart is pumping blood that must be boiling. It’s unnerving. You’ve never seen Himchan like this before, not even when he gets angry with s (and he’s gotten pretty pissed at them before).

“I…” you don’t know what to say—is there anything to say? At the same time, you can’t help getting a little angry yourself. What right does Himchan have to say this to you? What right does he have to make all these assumptions about your boyfriend? He doesn’t know him like you do, he just doesn’t get him.

So, you retaliate.

“I’m more than capable of making my own decisions! If I’m still with him now what makes you think I’ll just drop him because of one stupid fight?! I don’t need to explain myself to you! You don’t get any say in this! You’re just bitter! You’re just jealous and insensitive!” you shout letting your own frustrations out on him. He’s been doing this for the entire year you and your boyfriend have been together. Frankly, it’s annoying and it’s been grating on your nerves especially as of late. You get that he’s worried about you, you get that he cares but, you don’t want him to be nagging you like he’s your mother or something. All he does is bash your boyfriend and tell you to dump him.

To be honest that’s the main reason why you’re still with your boyfriend now and you resent your pettiness.

Yet, you can’t just break up with him either—some part of you doesstill want to be with him.

Another…

Well, it’s complicated.

Complicated enough that you let the part you do understand lead you, the one that wants it to work out with your boyfriend.


Himchan just stares. He’s not sure how to respond, he’s never gotten in a serious argument with you before. Is that what this is? An argument? Over your horrible boyfriend? Really… Is that what’s happening..?

Maybe you’re right.

Maybe he is just bitter.

Maybe he is just insensitive.

Maybe he is just jealous.

His burst of anger fades, deflating him with regret. He wishes he didn’t say anything, he wishes he just shut up and left you alone.

He wishes he didn’t feel this way for you, didn’t care so much for you, didn’t ache so much for you.

Himchan just… He just…

”_______-ah, I—”

”_______, what the hell?” Himchan clamps his mouth shut, startled by the all too familiar voice.

“You actually came… I didn’t think when I called you that you’d actually come this early.” you say just as surprised, though happily so. Himchan, on the other hand, can feel anger slowly seep back into his veins.

Stepping out of his car, the one he kicked you out of last night, your boyfriend hops up the steps and literally wedges himself between the two of you. It takes all of Himchan’s willpower not to strangle him to death right here and now.

“Of course I came I—What the hell are you wearing?” he asks, assessing you with what Himchan assumes must be his version of sarcastic concern. You shift from foot to foot, sheepish.

“I had to borrow some clothes… Mine got soaked.” you reply, completely disregarding the fact that it was his fault they got that way in the first place. Himchan wants to scream, maybe hit or break something, and lock himself in his dorm. It’s physically pains him to see you act like nothing happened, that everything is great and this jerk didn’t leave you to fend for yourself in the rain just last night.

For a smart girl you really need some common sense knocked into you.

“Aw, babe, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that, I felt horrible afterward. How about we go back to my place and we have a stay in day, huh?” your boyfriend suggests leaning his forehead against yours. Himchan can only watch from behind as you nod, at “how great” that sounds. He wishes he paid more attention in school during science lessons, particularly physics, then he’d know how hard he’d have to hit his head on the door to lose consciousness because this is the single most frustrating thing he’s ever had the misfortune to suffer through.

Taking your hand in his, your boyfriend gives you a quick peck on the lips (Himchan glares harder at the light pink of your cheeks) and pulls you to his car. You pause just by Himchan, opening your mouth to say something then thinking better of it, leaving him on the steps without so much as a goodbye.

Himchan doesn’t say anything, he lets you leave. In fact, he’s not going to say anything, he’ll regret it later but, he’ll just drop it—again. Ever the pacifist, Himchan watches you down the steps without even a goodbye in mind. But it’s the look that holding your hand gives him, that smug, mocking look, over his shoulder that pushes Himchan over the edge.

”________, don’t go with him!” he shouts rushing to stop you. Without much thought he stops you by the wrist and succeeds in pissing you off more than how surprised you are.

“Why, what now?” you demand jerking out of his grasp. He doesn’t let you, holding fast with his burst of courage (in retrospect it’s probably actually stupidity but, those go hand in hand sometimes). Before the words get stuck in his throat, like all those other times when he wanted to tell you—when he should’ve told you before you became this jerk’s girlfriend–he lets them tumble out once and for all.

“I like you—no, I think I love you.” Himchan confesses, finally confesses to you. It feels like he’s been relieved of all his burdens, all the crushing weight on his heart. Oh Goddoes it feel good to finally let you know how he feels—how he’s always felt and will always feel. As much as it’d hurt him, he could survive if you leave now, if you reject him, and decide to go with that jerk. At least now you know. That’s more than enough for him; it’s all he can offer anyway.

“H-Himchan… W-what do you…? I…” you stammer coming out of your stunned silence.

He-he likes you..?

He said he might actually love you..?!

Himchan, the Kim Himchan you’ve known forever, the Kim Himchan who’s been your big brother, the shoulder to lean on, the Kim Himchan who’s never… Never had a girlfriend… Who’s been telling you to break up with your boyfriend… Who’s always been there for you… Who’s never let you down… Who came for you in the pouring rain last night… Who… Who you… You…

“Come on, ______, let’s just go already.” your boyfriend complains pulling you less than gently by the hand. You don’t move. You don’t want to move.

“Himchan, do you—is that… Is that… True..?” you ask voice barely over a whisper. You still can’t believe what he said. You physically cannot bring yourself to let the true meaning of his words sink in.

With more confidence than he’s ever felt in his life he gives you the straightforward answer from his heart.

“I would never lie to you. I meant and mean it. ______, I love you, honestly. We’ve known each other for so long and we know each other so well I can’t say that this is just some crush because that doesn’t explain what I feel for you. I don’t care if you don’t feel the same way,” he brings up a cautious hand to your cheek, with a—sad? woeful? wistful?—smile, “I just want you to know that I truly do love you, ______-ah, with all my heart.” Briefly, very briefly, he searches your eyes for some kind of response, acceptance, rejection, anything. Finding nothing but surprise (which he should have expected now that he thinks about it) he figures this is good enough. Exhaling softly he lets you go, drawing his hand back unwillingly from your face. Stuffing them into his pockets he nods his head to your right. “Now get going, you have a date to get to.” he adds, turning back to the dorm. When you look to your right you’re surprised to see your impatient boyfriend, whom you entirely forgot about. He gives you a sour look and harrumphs to his car, gesturing for you to follow.

You don’t, you just stand in between the car and dorms trying to sort out your confused thoughts.

Himchan just confessed to you, confesses his love for you.

Your closest friend, your comforter, your protector, the one you can call on for help no matter what…

He… Loves you…

And you think, just maybe, you might—just might—feel the same way.

Maybe, that other part of you, the part that lost to the loyalty you have to your boyfriend, is actually for Himchan.

But…

Your boyfriend…

You can’t just dump him. It wouldn’t be right to just cut him off now because of what Himchan said… It wouldn’t be… As much as you want to…


Himchan hears the car drive away and smiles sorrowfully to himself.

Figures.

You went with him.

~One month later~

“Hyung, hyung, hyung!” Junhong shouts loudly as he bangs on his door. Himchan stares up at his ceiling and rubs his eyes, tired and annoyed by the lack of natural light from his window. It’s too early to deal with this.

“What do you want? Why are you bothering me this early? Why are you up this early? What the hell, man.” he calls back almost unintelligibly, words heavy with sleep. He turns on his side and snorts. Yongguk, the great lump he is, hasn’t even stirred in his bed against the other wall. Junhong just bangs on the door again.

“Hyung, get out here now, it’s ______!” Junhong yells with another excessive bang of the door. Himchan nearly falls on his face when he slips trying to scramble out of his room. Bursting through the door (and very nearly knocking Junhong’s teeth out) he grabs the maknae by the shoulders and demands what’s wrong and where you are.

Junhong grins, happily supplying, “Oh, she’s fine, she’s just waiting in the living room for you.”

Himchan’s panic and urgency dissipates and he sags back into his irritable state of sleep deprivation.

”Why were you trying to break the door in if she’s fine in the living room?” he asks pinching the bridge of his nose irritably.

Junhong’s grin just widens, “Because it was fun and I know how important she is to you.”

Himchan smacks him on the back of the head as he saunters past.

“You’ll thank me later!” the younger shouts from down the hallway. He rolls his eyes and pauses just before the living room. He hasn’t talked to you in a month, not since that day, the day he confessed. From what he’s aware of you’re still dating that jerk and was sick for a while (so was he but, that’s beside the point). He feels a little apprehensive, not quite nervous but, still worried about how you’ll react.

A month is a long time to think about… certain… things.

Taking a deep breath he steps out to face you.


It’s been a while. You haven’t seen each other in a month at least. It feels like longer, you’ve been suffocating without Himchan, if you’re being completely honest with yourself. There’s nothing to do and a constant heaviness settles on your shoulders when you’re not with him. It’s strange but, it’s like you need him sometimes—actually, probably always. You feel bad to show up unannounced so early in the morning but, circumstances just worked out that way.


Himchan clears his throat awkwardly and crosses his arms to stop from swinging them just as awkwardly.

“So, how have you been? I heard you got sick, it was that-that night, huh?”

Wow, way to go Himchan, way to be casual, wow.

You nod, very visibly just as uncomfortable.

“Yeah… It wasn’t too bad though, just a week. What about you, Junhong told me you were sick too.” you reply politely.

Politely, you two are making polite small talk.

Damn.

“Yeah, but it was only a twenty-four hour thing.” Actually, he was sick twice as long as you were, not that you need to know.

You nod, “That’s good.”

He nods and says nothing allowing a painfully awkward silence to fall between you. Himchan resists the urge to cringe. You two never have awkward silences, not since you first met anyway. But that was years ago, all in the past of secondary school.

Himchan clears his throat again.

“So, what are you doing here?” he asks glancing at you then away.

“I got in a fight with my ex-boyfriend.” you answer as he thought you would.

Of course, another fight with your ex-boyfriend this early in the—wait.

”Ex-boyfriend..?” he repeats cautiously, almost worried that he imagined the pre-fix. He looks up at you, surprised to see that you’ve risen. There’s a small smile on your face as you approach him, tentative, but hopeful.

“That’s why we got in a fight, I broke up with him.” you explain stopping in front of him. Himchan opens his mouth then closes it, unsure exactly how to respond.

“So, you and him—You’re saying that—ex-boyfriend, like, never-getting-back-together-ex-boyfriend-ex-boyfriend?” The words spew out before he realizes that he’s saying. Clamping his mouth shut he can feel a low heat rise to his face and Himchan avoids your eyes by lowering them to his feet.

You laugh softly.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.”

He glances up at you, still hesitant however encouraged.

“Well… Good, I’m glad to hear it—for your sake. I hope he regrets treating you so badly everyday he’s not with you.” Himchan mutters neglecting to add how glad he is for his own sake. You know he does this and push his shoulder lightly.

“Aw, I’m touched, Divachan is being nicer to me than himself.” you joke trying to break the unnecessary tension between you. He chuckles, grateful for your effort.

“Shut up, I’ve been good lately.” he retorts pushing you back.

“I’m sure you have.” you reply with innocent sarcasm.

Himchan purses his lips.

“I have, ask anyone. All I’ve been doing is what I’m told.” There hasn’t been much for him to do without you.

“Alright, fine, I believe you,” you tug on his sleeve with a playful grin, “how about we do something we weren’t told then? City walk sound okay to you?” you prompt pulling him toward the door.

“I need to change first! I will not be seen walking around in my sleeping clothes!” Himchan complains leaning back with all his body weight toward the hallway. You grin mischievously and let him go. Unprepared he falls right to the ground with a dignified squawk of surprise. It was entirely your fault but you laugh anyway, holding your stomach and trying to stay upright.

You’ve missed Himchan. You’ve missed just being around him so much. It feels good to be laughing at him again, laughing in general. It’s been a long, long month without him.


When you calm down (which takes a while) you roll your eyes at his look of betrayal. His expression doesn’t waver so you offer a hand to help him up. He takes it and rises, dusting himself off with his free hand. Even when he’s upright and dusted neither of you let go, your hands comfortable in one another’s grasp. You both stare at your joined hands, not sure what the appropriate response is.

Which is why, when in doubt you always go for the “what the hell” approach. That’s what Himchan thinks as he quickly laces his fingers through yours anyway. Before he loses his nerve he clears his throat for a third time and nods to the door.

“You know what, screw actual clothes, this is good enough. It’s early anyway and no one cares.” he says half-dragging you out of the dorm. You just smile and let him lead you out, enjoying the feeling of his hand in yours, heart skipping happily in your chest.

“Hey, Himmie?” you ask, diligently by his side. He hums to let you know he’s listening, avoiding having to look you in the eye. You smile more, amused. “Did you really mean what you said that day?” It’s an honest question, one that you want to be certain he truly, sincerely answers.

Himchan stops, glances at your joined hands, then at you. He doesn’t have to ask to what you’re referring, he knows. As cheesy as it is he takes your hand and places it on his chest, right over his heart.

“You feel that? It beats for you, it always has. That day I said I loved you. I do love you. I meant and mean it, every word.” he states with avid conviction and sincerity. There’s nothing else he’s ever been more serious or honest about in his entire life.

“I believe you, Himmie, don’t worry. I know you ‘meant it and mean it’.” you assure, leaning against him slightly as you resume walking.

And he does.

He meant and means it.

Himchan’s willing to wait until you do too.

It won’t be long until that day, he can tell by the way his heart pounds uncontrollably in his chest and you lean into him like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

It won’t be long now until you meant and mean it for each other.