Ryuta had walked into the room, and had almost stumbled back out immediately, colour blooming on his cheeks, embarrassed to have walked in on a couple locked in such a passionate embrace. It seemed as if the man's arms were banded around the woman to hold her there permanently, and he was kissing her as if his life had depended on it. Briefly, his thoughts had wandered to Renn, and he shook his head at the thought of kissing her like that, berating himself for letting his thoughts stray that way. For a moment, his eyes landed on the side profile of the woman, and he thought he was seeing things when he saw Renn as the one being kissed-- no, ravished, by the guy who had the exact shade of hair as she.
 

Then realization hit, when he realized that it really was her, it felt as if he had slammed into a solid wall, and his very being, his soul had been wrenched out, and his body was empty. For a moment, he stood, numb and empty, frozen on the spot, his hands gripping the handle so tightly his knuckles were turning white. He could not move, could not scream, and he could not close his eyes against the sight of his nightmare coming to life. His conversation with his band members, what seemed like eons ago, echoed in his head, particularly what Kazuki said. If you let your guard down now, then someone will easily take your place. Some part of him wanted to pull them apart, and shake him, or her. But he could not. Ryuta could practically feel the energy draining out of him as he stood, unable to tear his eyes away, as if waiting for the two to realize his presence. He was empty-- until the pain hit, a huge wave crashing onto him and pulling him down, deeper and deeper until he was drowning in it, until it pressed at his chest, at his heart, and it was not just emotional pain. It hurt, physically.
 

Turns out Seiji was right too. You’ll never know how long she’ll wait. He was too slow, and she had given up on him. The woman he loved was in another man’s arms. What worse was that they fit perfectly together, as if they were of one entity. He thought he was incapable of feeling anything except the pain that was spreading so acutely throughout his body. But when they broke apart, breathless and delirious, and he watched a lazy smile spread slowly across her face, her lids fluttering open at half mast, staring dazedly at the man in front of her, Ryuta wished him dead. Kazuki always said he was incapable of hatred, but what was this burning disgust pushing at his throat?
 

It was then that Renn's eyes had flicked from the man in front of her over to him, and he saw the cloud of confusion over her eyes before it lifted, and those beautiful brown orbs gradually widened in shock. He turned as well, but Ryuta did not see surprise or shock in his eyes. Instead, there was only grim determination as his lips tightened and he shifted, as if to shield Renn from him. A bubble of laughter rose to his lips, and he fought to push it down. He was protecting Renn from him. But when he saw Renn grabbing at the ends of his shirt, moving so she was blocked from his view, a mixture of pain and anger welled up in him, ripping through the pain that was already there. She was afraid of him.  As if her actions had snapped his brain to awareness again, his hand dropped from the handle, and he had to move. He had to walk away, before he did something he would regret. So he turned, and walked away, fighting himself, the part in him that wanted to pull her away from him, to ask her why. To demand an explanation, a reason, an excuse. To beg her to come back to him.
 

What played in his head was not the passionate embrace, no. What he could not unsee was Renn's reaction when she saw him. The shock, then the fear, when she hid behind Wooyoung. Just thinking his name brought a fresh wave of anger, and he balled his hands into fists to stop them from shaking. The anger pulsed in him, pushed from inside, threatening to burst out of him, but he was too good at composing himself, too good at holding himself back. Was that not what he had been doing with Renn? Stopping himself, because he was afraid of what he might unleash if his control snapped. In his eyes, she was always Ai, the fragile girl in her neat uniform, her eyes brown and big and lonely. She had pushed her way into his heart, and when she left, he was lost. Still, she remained, the essence of her was in every song he wrote, and he refused to let go of the tight hold he had on hope, and it was as if he knew, as if he was expecting her to come back to him, no matter how many years had passed.

 

She did come back. Not like the Ai he remembered. Different, so very vibrant, but more beautiful than ever, and he just fell harder. Still, sometimes he would see loneliness in her eyes, and he had to fight against the need to hold her close, to tell her that he was here and now that she had come back, he would never let her go. There was still so much he did not know about her. He had missed out years with her, and it pained him that there was someone else who went through those years with her, someone else who witnessed her tears, understood her pain, and was there for her when Ryuta was not. And now that he was, he could not have expected Renn to immediately turn to him, could he? All those years wedged between them, how does he overcome it? But how he wished. How he yearned to see all of Renn. He would see her laugh, so bright, so radiant, and he wanted to hold her close, when his love for her just pulled at his heart. But just as much, he wanted to gather her in his arms when she cried, when her thoughts turned dark, and he wanted to be the one to shoulder her tears and lighten her burden, to blow away her doubts. He wanted to be her everything, but he did not know where to start.

 

 

"Hey."

 

 

How he wished it was her voice that was calling him, and that if he turned she would be staring at him, and he needed no words. One look, he knew, and he would readily forget what he had just seen. But it was a man's voice, so he stopped, but he did not turn around. Ryuta was not a man of confrontations. He was not good with conversation; he spoke through his music. And he was sure he did not want to hear whatever it was that Wooyoung wanted to tell him. What he wanted to do was to walk away. And maybe if he walked far enough, the urge to smash something in Wooyoung's face would ease.

 

 

"It's not Renn's fault."

 

 

Ryuta did not react to that, only stood stoically, his balled fists shoved in his pockets. It amazed him, how Renn pulled at that instinct, how she made people want to protect her, and much as he did not want to, he understood what Wooyoung was feeling right now. It was impossible not to care for Renn.

 

 

When he got no reaction from Ryuta, he continued. "It's your fault, really."

 

 

Ryuta's stomach rolled, and his anger pushed to the surface. He did not need Wooyoung to tell him that. He did not need his enemy shoving everything that he did wrong in his face. He began to walk away, but Wooyoung's voice stopped him again.
 

 

"She loved you, but you did nothing. You don't even have the right to blame her."

 

 

Ryuta's eyes closed as he struggled through the flash of pain, a stab right through his heart. All the anger faded away, and he was again empty. Loved, he said. Past tense. Did it really mean Renn did not love him anymore? Had Wooyoung really taken her from him, body and heart? No. He needed to see Renn. He needed to ask her himself. He turned then, but of course, Renn was not anywhere to be seen. Ignoring Wooyoung, he stalked past him to come into the room where he had found them earlier, but she was not there either.

 

 

"It's ironic. The cause of her pain and hurt standing in the room where she seeked refuge from."

 

 

Again and again, everything Wooyoung said struck right at the heart and Ryuta braced himself against the doorframe as if to seek strength before he turned, and for the second time since the incident, he stood face to face with his enemy. His face was impassive, and he struggled not to reveal the extent of his pain.

 

 

Wooyoung stared disdainfully at the man, and Ryuta thought he saw hatred in his eyes. "You should let her go."

 

 

He had not planned to say anything, but words spilled out of his lips. "Until Ai tells me herself that she doesn't love me anymore, until she tells me that she chooses you over me, only then I will leave her."

 

 

Wooyoung’s eyes flashed and Ryuta was surprised to see the storm of emotions that raged behind those dark orbs. It was gone in the next moment however and once again Wooyoung retreated into his persona of indifference. “I love her,” he said.

 

 

The way he said it. The way those three words came tumbling out between his lips, so casually and without a tremble in his voice made Ryuta wonder if he really did. How can he utter it so calmly as if it was the most natural thing in the world when it was just the opposite for Ryuta? Loving Renn was like a dip in the stormy sea, in too deep and he would be swept away, lost and drowning.

 

 

"So do I. It's impossible not to love Ai." Ryuta answered quietly, almost calmly. Kazuki would be proud of him. He stared at the man who loved thre woman he loved. The girl named Love. Was there any surprise that Wooyoung had the same feelings he had for her? That her best friend had harboured for years?

 

 

"You love her?” Wooyoung sneered. “If you did, why would she have come to me? What makes you think she’ll go back to the very thing she ran away from?”

 

 

Ryuta could not answer, only closed the door softly in Wooyoung's face. Slumping on her couch, he felt the adrenaline and anger from his confrontation with Wooyoung seeping out of him, and he had no energy left. It was his fault that Renn had went to Wooyoung. Had he really not showed her that he loved her? His band members always berated him about it, but had he not, really? She knew, did she not? She knew how much he loved her. She should. All his songs, the way he sang it. You can't hide behind your guitar forever. His head dropped on the backrest of her couch, and his senses were immediately assaulted by her scent, blanking his mind for a moment. There was no pain, no confusion or anger, just pure need. A ball of want deep in his belly, and he could almost feel Renn with him, and... He wrenched himself off the couch, as if that would stop the fantasy forming in his head.

 

 

How could anyone understand it? Even he could not fathom the bottomless chasm of his feelings for her, and he was afraid of what might emerge from that deep, dark unknown, what he might unleash if he did not control himself, hold himself back from taking so much of her, because it would never be enough. There was nothing else that he wanted, that he so desperately needed. And if he let go, he might just destroy her, and himself. Only her scent, and he was crazy with want, parched for a taste of her. If he got more... He closed his eyes to stop the onslaught of sensations beginning to flood through him, but the scene from earlier flashed across his vision. How Wooyoung had ravished her lips until they were red and puffy, and he understood. Like an idiot, he understood what his enemy was going through.

 

 

Oh, he had tasted her once. Sweet, sweet poison that had left him lightheaded and blind with want, but he had held himself back. Stopped himself. Out of the want to protect her. The fear to protect himself. He had been looming over that dark chasm, one foot dangling over the edge. One step, one more taste, and he would have gone over the edge, taking her with him. He guessed it was safe to say that he had more self restraint than Wooyoung, at least. But so what? What good did that bring him? To protect Renn's virtue? Kazuki had always said that Renn was not the Oujo-san from years ago. She was a modern woman and she had her needs. But he had stubbornly insisted on protecting it. Now that it was not his to protect, what now? Could he really let go? Can he really close his eyes and let himself fall into that abyss that held so many secrets, too many risks? Was he willing to do that?

 

 

The door was pushed open, and she stood there, frozen as if mirroring his stance when he had been in her place earlier. He thought he saw a flash of panic in her eyes, but it disappeared just as quickly. She did not move, just stood there, wary of his presence, framed by the doorway, the fluorescent light of the hallway forming a halo around her shiny blond hair, and his heart ached at how beautiful she was. He could he think of ever letting her go, it was not even a choice, not if there were 10 Wooyoungs who claimed to love her. He had lost her once, and he never wanted to live through that hell again. Her presence, so close yet so far, tugged at him, at his heart, at his very being. Now, it seemed like they were at opposite ends of the chasm, and Ryuta could not bear the distance.

 

 

He stood, then strode to her, pulling her into the room. It was then that he noticed her red-rimmed eyes, and his hand reached up to touch them, but he hesitated-- as he so often did. No more holding back, Ryuta. So he closed the distance, and his hand cupped her cheek, his calloused thumb tracing the shape of her eye, gently, even as her lids fluttered close and a tear escaped. His eyes ran over her face in awe, and the other hand reached out so he held her face in his hands, and his heart soared despite the ache. How long had he wanted to do this, and did it really take this tragic circumstance for him to take that step?

 

 

Slowly, he lowered his head, until his lips were a breath away from hers, his nose brushing against the side of hers. He could hear her breath catch, then the soft whoosh of air as she exhaled, warm on his face. Closing his eyes, he caught her lips between his, and he felt the sweet poison spread throughout his being. No more holding back, not when this might be the last time he could hold her in his arms like this. Pain forgotten, his arms wrapped around her, and he was unaware of how very different he held her as compared to Wooyoung. Where he was hungry, Ryuta was gentle, so unbearably gentle as he drank her in, slowly, softly, sweetly. And he stepped over the edge, let himself fall into the abyss, leaving his heart bare and open as he forgot to think, pouring his heart into the kiss.

 

 

This was nothing like the first time. Then, it had been fresh and sweet, like spring water. But now, she could feel the desperation in his gentleness, and the pain. Oh, the sweet pain tore at her heart, and she could taste his fear, stark and fresh as he held her close, as if he wanted to take her in if he could. Even as his hands slipped from her back to her arms to pull her back, his lips still clung to hers, and when released them, she slowly opened her eyes. With Wooyoung, it had been electricity. Fast and primal. But now, she was lightheaded, dazed, as if the kiss had brought her to a new universe, a whole new plane where nothing else existed except them, and her world was thrown off balance, then righted again. His face swam into focus, and the first thing she saw his tortured expression, and was paralysed when a single tear slipped down his cheeks, a sparkle of diamond on porcelain.

 

 

When she opened her eyes, they were so close, so huge he was lost in it, but he could not. Not now, not yet. It terrified him, what he had felt in that few moments he had released his hold on control and had bared his heart to her. The pain was unbearable. And he had to stop, to scrabble for that hold on control, attached to a thin, short leash. He began to form his words, but it was she who spoke first.

 

 

"I'm sorry."

 

 

Ryuta could not hide the pain in his face, and he could not smile, not when he could still see it vividly, not when the pain still squeezed painfully at his heart. So he pulled her close again as he pressed her face to his shoulder, and held her, held her close, his arms winding around her back, and maybe if she was close enough, if he only thought about her being in his arms, maybe it would not hurt so much. "Are you?" he struggled to keep his voice steady, struggled to hold in the whirl of different emotions flowing through him, but over it all, of overwhelming love.

 

"Not really." her voice was muffled against his chest, and he wondered if she could hear how fast his heart still beat for her. Reluctantly, he pulled her away so he could look at her face. "I have only one question."

 

 

Renn looked up at him, and he had to step back, before those eyes unraveled him. His hands dropped from her arms, his heart already aching at the loss. "Answer me honestly."

 

 

It was difficult, mortifying for him to ask, straight out, especially since they have never talked directly about it, always going round in circles or going in metaphors, but this time Ryuta could not think of any metaphors. Nothing was more terrifying than not having Renn. He needed a clear cut answer. Yes, and nothing else mattered. No, and he would cease to matter. "Do--" his voice broke, and cleared his throat, struggling to steady it.

 

 

"Do you love me?"

 

 

Renn looked stunned, her reddened lips opened, but nothing came out. His heart hammered in his chest as he stared at Renn with such an intensity, as if to hypnotize her to say yes. And if she said no.. No, she could not say No. He took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly to steady his heart. "Because I do. Love you, I mean. When I saw you earlier..." he gulped as a fresh wave of pain stabbed at his heart. "I could not. I cannot live if it meant seeing you in someone else's arms. I cannot smile and let you go and tell you to be happy, and that I'll be happy if you're happy. Because I can never be happy without you by my side."

 

 

When Renn still did not say anything, Ryuta wanted to walk away. Leave. Maybe Wooyoung was right. It was his fault anyway. And he was too late. He had lost her again. His eyes were downcast; he did not think he could stand looking at her, not when he had to leave her and seeing her again would mean unspeakable pain. This time when he spoke, his voice was soft, like a dream. Something that he hoped would not come to be a reality. "But if it is Wooyoung that you choose, then I will try to wish you happiness. But you have to understand that I can never--"

 

 

Her fingers landed on his lips, and when that prove ineffective as he opened his mouth to continue to speak, she replaced her fingers with her lips.

 

 

There was no softness, not this time. Quickly getting over his surprise, Ryuta held on. There was desperation too, in this one. Renn never knew Ryuta could seduce, but it was as if he was seducing her, begging her to stay.

 

 

Again, it was he who pulled away, closing his eyes and laying his forehead on hers, damp heat against damp heat. "Tell me." he breathed, barely a whisper, and his lips brushed against hers as he spoke.

 

 

"It's you." Ryuta's eyes snapped open, and neither said anything. There was no need to. Renn saw hope, and a flash of grim determination is his eyes before he crushed her to him again, and she felt him press his cheek to her hair. "Then it's fine." he murmured. "As long as you still love me." The hurt was still there, but the pain had eased, and Ryuta's world righted itself again.

 

 

"Can you say that again?" Renn mumbled against his shirt.

 

 

"Say what?"

 

 

"That you love me." Renn delighted at the sound of his heart bumping against his ribcage, a thump as his heart skipped a beat right at her ear. He was quiet for a moment, and she pushed away to look up at him just as he took a long shaky breath. His long arms were caging her to him, lightly resting on hips, and hers were crossed across his, clasped at his back. His cheeks were tinged with pink, as usual, but his gaze locked fiercely on hers, and he was not stammering when he said it.

 

 

"I love you, Itooshi."

 

 

Renn grinned, then pressed a quick kiss to his lips, which began to curve up into a smile. "I love you too."

 

 

Gently, he gathered her into his arms again. He could never get enough of her now. And he prayed fervently that today would never happen again. The abyss was not as scary as he thought, not when the thought of losing her brought him shudders. There may be misunderstandings-- inevitable since their personalities were always clashing, but whatever it took, as long as they were together. He lowered his lips to press them against her forehead. "Tadaima."

 

 

"Okaeri."