Donghae

The very first time I saw you was on a rainy day of October. One year has already passed since then, but the memory is still clear in my mind. It was during Junior year, in the middle of the crowded cafeteria of the high school. The day had started like any other day ; I went to school, coped with countless hours of lesson and then strolled toward the cafeteria with Siwon. I didn't see you at first, probably because you were surrounded by laughing and noisy kids at that time and because I had – and still have – the bad habit to ignore people I'm not familiar with. I remember I went straight to the line, waiting for my turn to buy lunch, so I could go up to the roof and rest until next period. It was already like a routine, even after a sole month since the starting of the school year. Everything was already painfully boring and meaningless for me.

I guess you were a new student, at that time, because I didn't know you ; I'm sure I would have noticed you anywhere and anytime. The first thing that attracted me was probably the sound of your laughter. A bright, cheery melody that had resonated clearly in the cafeteria, among the loud noise. It made me snap my head up and immediately I looked around me to find the source of this laughter. I remember that Siwon had looked at me with surprise, but I didn't care and kept frowning, still looking for the crystal-clear chuckles I could hear. Looking for you.

I guess I should say something romantic at this point, probably that as soon as my eyes landed on you, I fell in love and wanted to be by your sides for the rest of my life. It would be way more spectacular than what really happened, but I guess you can't change reality. The truth is, I didn't find you, because you were surrounded. I spotted Kyuhyun, at first ; that brunette kid who always brags about his Mathematics results and his many achievements in games. And then Sungmin, his pink-addict boyfriend, before I also recognized Henry, the transferred student coming from Canada. It was – and still is, if you ask me – an odd choice of friends, but maybe it's only my own opinion. I just had the feeling that those three boys were the noisiest guys I ever saw in my whole life, and if you happened to be hanging out with them, then surely you had to be as chatty as them. Will you forgive me if I say that I immediately ignored you? Because I did.

I'm not the type of guy who opens his mouth and splutters incoherent and useless things like they do, and you weren't in my section anyway. People usually say that I'm a man of few words, and I guess it's true. That day, after seeing the circle of friends you had, I just shrugged and turned around, facing my lunch once again. Siwon and I didn't say a word throughout the whole lunch, and I felt sort of sorry for him, because I was never a talkative friend.

I don't really remember what happened next, and it isn't that interesting either way. What I do remember, though, is the first time I began thinking about you. It was no later than the same day, during the afternoon. I don't know why I came to think about you – maybe I was bored or maybe I didn't want to listen to the History lesson of the day. Either ways, I did think of you while staring out the window, absently gazing at a forgotten ball in the middle of the courtyard. At that time, I still didn't know what you looked like, not to add I didn't even know your name. So the only think I thought about was your laughter. The cheery and joyful one, the same one that had perked up my curiosity during lunch. I remembered I frowned a little, because I didn't understand why I was thinking about someone I didn't even know. The sound of your voice kept playing in my head during the whole hour and by the time the bell rang the end of the period, it felt as if I could recognize the tone of it anywhere. It sounded so unfamiliar yet warm and calming, like a dream, those that you never remember upon waking up.

To be honest, I didn't like this feeling, at first. I've always been an independent guy and thinking over and over again about some random laughter seemed a little too weird for me. I can't even explain how frustrated I was while walking back home, since the only thing that filled my thoughts was you. Or at least, what I heard of you. Do you find it creepy? Maybe you will think that I'm weird and a bit of a stalker if you ever happen to read this, and I guess you would have every rights to believe so.

Because that night, I dreamt of you.

A week had passed since I heard you laugh. A long week, punctuated by rain, gray clouds and dark sky. I sort of like autumns, because it looks as if it reflects my inner mood ; nostalgic and gloomy. Kind of.

Nothing really particular happened during that short week, but I didn't dream of your laughter anymore. I actually forgot about you, truthfully. You just faded to the back of my mind and I didn't pay it any further thought, thinking maybe it was just a strange phase of my student life. A really strange one, if you ask me. Days were getting longer and longer and I think it's because I was bored out of my mind. Every days were exactly the same and it exhausted me. I wanted things to change, to be a little more exciting. But we weren't in a movie and I'm not the hero of a fiction ; although I craved for my life to be spiced up, I could only wait for hours to pass. It was painfully slow, and I think I would have exploded with frustration if it wasn't for our second encounter. If I were superstitious, I would have named it fate, but I will stick with coincidence.

It was a Tuesday. A Tuesday morning, to be exact. You wonder how I remember all of this? I don't know myself, honestly. What I do know, is that it was the first time I actually saw your face, after one long previous day only thinking about the sound of your voice. It was during the break of ten o'clock, on my way to Mathematics. As usual, the hallways of the high school were filled with loud noises coming from our classmates and strangely, it didn't bother me that much that day. Siwon wasn't with me at that time, apparently off to talk with a teacher, if I recall well. Anyways, he's not the point. The point is, I was absentmindedly making my way to the classroom at the very end of the hall, lost in my thoughts, when someone suddenly crashed into me. You crashed into me. You did with so much force that I stumbled, and if it wasn't for your hands holding me, I probably would have fell backwards.

"Sorry!" You quickly apologized, and if I didn't know you at first, the only word that left your lips immediately told me who you were. The guy with the cheery laughter, I thought dumbly, staring at you with wide eyes. I think you talked again, saying something like 'Are you okay?', but I don't remember.

I only looked at you and took note of your appearance. You were -... hypnotizing, to say the least. You were taller than me by a few centimeters and your bleached blond hair was nicely falling over your forehead. Your body was still the same as now, lean and slightly lanky, but well-built nonetheless – it was noticeable since your sleeves were a little rolled up -, your sharp, manly jaw line and your milky white skin that contrasted so much with my own tanned one. I think that what struck me the most were your eyes and your smile. I can legitimately say it made my heart stop in its tracks for a tiny second. You were brightly smiling at me, your lips stretching over your teeth and your gums. It had made appear cute little wrinkles at the corners of your single-lidded eyes, which were gazing straight at me.

It was truthfully the most beautiful smile I ever saw in my life.

I learned later on that your name was Hyukjae. Lee Hyukjae. I couldn't explain the reason why, but the fact we were sharing at least something, even if it was our last name, made my heart beat a little faster in my chest. If I had been thinking about your laughter for a day before, now I was thinking of your smile all the time. You can laugh, Lee Hyukjae, but it's the truth. I would never lie about this, and certainly not to you.

I won't say that it was love at first sight, because it clearly wasn't. At least, I don't think so ; I didn't feel the need to throw myself at you and propose to you, if it can reassure you. I guess I was just fascinated, at first. You were handsome, but not in the common sense of the word. You and your blond hair, and your loud and cheery voice, and your unusual gummy smile were striking.

The whole school had came to like you, you were getting more and more popular each day. It was well deserved, since you were as funny as you were nice with people. Moreover, people said you were smart and really respectful with elders. It had only been two weeks since you had arrived in our high school but you were already on every student's lips. You were the Lee Hyukjae.

I had first hoped that maybe we could be friends but I guess things didn't work for our favor. I'm not the type to laugh loudly and talk relentlessly like your friends do, and you were always hanging out with different people every time I saw you, making it difficult for me to approach you – I guess I'm a little shy. It's not your fault, Hyukjae ; you seemed happy and comfortable, who was I to try disturbing your joyful life?

As time went by, I noticed that the persons you were hanging out with the most were Sungming, Kyuhyun and Henry, the same guys you were having lunch with the day I heard you laugh. At that time, I couldn't quite define the feeling I had every time I saw you laughing wholeheartedly with each one of them ; it was as if something was pulling at my heart, making me frown slightly in frustration. You seemed to be having a good time with them, though. And seeing you always smiling so brightly made me grin weakly. So it was fine.

I don't even know how I came to like you. Because I do, Lee Hyukjae ; I do like you.

I think it began during the festival of the high school. A whole of six months went by, with me glancing at you whenever I could, and you getting more and more popular despite the fact you weren't doing anything to help it. April had came faster than I thought it would, and soon, the high school was busy with the preparations of the festival. My own class had to hold a small coffee shop, and since I was one of the only guys approximately able to cook something edible, the classmates had decided to put me in front of the stove to cook ramyeon and help the other guys for the drinks. It was okay, at first ; many people from our own high school and students from others were coming in and we were selling our goods pretty fast.

That is, until you decided to come in and get yourself a strawberry milk-shake. If you wonder where that wound on my right arm came from, it was because of you. You don't need to feel guilty ; your presence simply startled me. I do admit it stung like a , but after putting an ice bag on it, I was all good.

I clearly remember the way you strolled toward me, as handsome as ever with your shirt slightly open and your hands shoved in the pockets of your jeans, while I was still hissing at the pain of my arm. You were looking around you with wide, cute eyes and I instantly felt the urge to squish your cheeks in my hands. Instead, I stayed emotionless. You asked me for your drink with a small, almost shy smile, and when I replied that your milk-shake would be done in a few minutes, your eyes lit up as if I just gave you the biggest present of the world. Your attire was contrasting so much with your sparkling eyes, and I found it adorable.

"Thank you!" You had exclaimed when I handed it to you. I had replied with a small grin, and you had smiled back. Unfortunately for the girls fangirling on your presence, and for me, too, you went out of the improvised coffee shop shortly after. I didn't say anything, and no, I didn't feel the urge to hug you tight or to cry. I was just a little disappointed, I guess.

The following hours went by quickly, and the only thing I recall is a row of blurry and incoherent images. I probably only made ramyeon and prepared drinks again and again, until the representative of our class decided I could take a well-deserved break.

It was around three o'clock in the afternoon, I think, when I finally went out of the building to stroll in the courtyard of the high school. Do you know that it was pure coincidence? Because at that time, I was supposed to go meet Siwon so we could spend our break together. Thankfully – or unluckily for him –, he was forced to spend the hour with his brother who had especially came for him ; I say unluckily because having Heechul hyung for an older brother is never a good thing.

Anyways, I walked out to the courtyard, appreciating the way the sun warmly bathed my face. The weather was good and the sky was incredibly blue, even for an April day. That's when I spotted you, while I was throwing the stick of my last meatball skewer to a nearby trash can and that a kid bumped against my shoulder – the rude guy didn't even apologize.

You were on the stage of the dance competition organized by the high school. I truthfully didn't know you danced, but it was a pleasant surprise. I tried to come closer, despite the big crowd that was waiting for the show to begin. When I managed to make a way closer to the stage, it was finally your turn and upon seeing you make your first move, I was already struck.

You dance like a ing God, Hyukjae. From down there, from the perspective of the public, you looked just perfect in every aspect. The music was resonating loudly and the sounds of the bass were thumping in my chest, and I only had eyes for you. You were moving with precision, snapping from a position to another one, your moves looking smooth and sharp at the same time. Your feet were perfectly following the rhythm of the song you were dancing on, your personal charisma giving a hypnotizing touch to the overall feeling of your choreography. A wild hip- made my heart jump in my chest as I slightly widened my eyes in admiration, before a sensual wave followed. The expression on your face was beautiful, too ; you looked so serious, so comfortable while dancing. It was y, very honestly. The intensity of your eyes, whenever it teasingly landed on the public you had completely conquered, was absolutely addicting. Your gaze was alluring, making the senses of every single person present burn up with the desire to touch you.

To see you dance this way, so close yet so far, was a pleasure and a torture at the same time. I felt as if I already knew so much of you, but reality was cruel, and truth was I didn't know you.

You probably didn't even know my name and I guess I can't blame you for it. After all, we never exchanged more than a few words, and I wasn't expecting much more of it.

Although, when the song came to an end and your body jerked toward the choreography's final move, and that your single-lidded eyes happened to meet my own for a short but perfect moment, I couldn't help myself but to crave for more.

And that's how I realized I liked you.

I'm actually quite popular, too. Like you, I've never given it much though. I've wondered a few times what people were finding something likeable in me, since I've never bothered talking with most students of our high school. I guess it's because girls said I looked 'mysteriously handsome' and that guys thought that I always looked cool whenever I got a good grade or aced a P.E test.

It's quite stupid, right? I've never asked to be popular and whatnot. I only want my life to be calm, but not too much either. Continuously going to school everyday isn't calm, though, but merely boring. At least, that's what I thought until I met you, Lee Hyukjae. I'm probably repeating myself, and I'm sorry for it, but I don't think you realize the impact you had on me.

I always found a way to have my eyes on you. Always. When Siwon had learned about my... obsession over you, he had said I sounded like a creepy stalker. I probably am, but it wasn't like you would know. I always made sure you didn't. My pride didn't allow me to let you know I was always gazing at you, with the hopes that maybe someday, we would be able to be friends and maybe more. I liked you, and sometime it was painful, because I knew nothing would ever happen between the both of us. I believed that our worlds were way too different and that you deserved someone better than me. I don't have low-esteem issues, don't worry, but you are so perfect I think you should find someone as perfect as you are – this is exactly why Siwon said I looked like a weirdo stalker.

I don't even know if I'm gay, truthfully. I've never bothered dating anyone in the past, whether girls or boys, because I didn't have any interest into having a lover. That question, though, popped up upon meeting you. I liked you, and liking you implied that I had feelings for you. You, a man. I think the thought of being homoual, or biual at the very least, frightened me a little. And quickly I accepted it, surprisingly. You seemed like a good reason enough for me to go to the other side of the rainbow, I wasn't going to complain.

Therefore, when I heard from Siwon, who knew it thanks to Kyuhyun, that you were irrevocably and colorfully gay, I swear I could have went to heaven with happiness. Before crashing to hell with sadness. I don't know why my hopes rose up that quickly upon hearing about your uality. I know it's stupid, but nobody can control the way one's heart works.

I think I was a bit of a masochist, but I was fine with looking at you from afar. It seemed impossible for me that you would accept to be something such as my boyfriend, so being able to watch you, even if it was just slightly, was something I could live with.

Because I liked you, Lee Hyukjae. And only that was already beautiful.

I don't know when I became that cheesy. This is making me awkward and I really hate it. Saying this kind of line makes me want to puke all over myself, and I'm sure you would laugh at my face if I ever happened to splutter them in front of you. But when thinking about you, I just can't help it. I want to hit myself against a wall several times, but my head is already too messed up for me to be able fixing it.

Do you know how I realized that my case was already hopeless? It's because of you, of course. It's always because of you, but I don't think it's a bad thing. Do you think it is, Hyukjae?

It was approximately one month after the high school's festival. It was during May, and it was getting warmer and warmer each day. The classrooms were hot like the inside of an oven and several students – including me – had to take off the jacket of the uniform. Siwon had told me that the members of the soccer club took off their shirts while playing because it was too hot – you were part of the soccer club, and if it wasn't for my usual part-time job after school, I would have came just to watch you play and stare at your bare chest in all its glory. But I didn't, because like I said, I had to go to work – it wasn't as if I could just ditch a day at the CD store, the one squeezed between the fast food and the ramyeon shop next to the Game Arcade ; the money wasn't for me, but for my parents. We aren't particularly poor, but we're not rich either. It was natural for me to help them. Needless to say that since the day you had crashed into me in the hallway of the high school, I was getting less and less focused on the tasks my boss gave me. I had developed the bad habit to think of you whenever I felt a little bored, and I was often bored. Luckily, the owner of the CD store, who was around sixty, was nice and he always treated me like his grandson, therefore it was rare I would get scolded.

On that warm month of May, it was always with reluctance that I headed toward the CD store, every day after school, because I knew that instead of selling the newest albums of countless idols and helping people find a trot song I had never heard of, I could have been on the soccer field of our high school, watching you play.

I think that the day I cherished this job the most was a Friday. Or maybe a Saturday. Either ways, it was toward the end of the month, if my memory is good. I remember that I was settled down behind the counter, staring absently at the medieval computer the owner always let me borrow when I had nothing to do, while listening to my iPod. The shop was empty, except for me and the old man who was sleeping in a rocking chair in the backroom of the shop. When I first heard the doorbell ring, signaling that a customer went in, I had only glanced up briefly and I didn't recognize you right away under the dim light of the place. I mumbled a soft 'Welcome' and I think you replied with an equally quiet and polite greeting. I remember you strolling through the place, looking at some CD's before you stopped in front of the counter. I looked up and then I saw you. And I almost fell off my chair. Do you realize, now, how stupid I turn whenever you're around? I almost wanted to kick myself when I only managed to stare at you with wide eyes. You laughed, then, brightly and happily, and the memory of that rainy day of October, the day I heard the almost exact same chuckles leaving your plump lips, came back with a destabilizing force. I think I blushed a little upon seeing you smile that cheerful gummy smile at me. Don't mock me, Lee Hyukjae, this is already embarrassing enough. I was almost surprised that I didn't faint right away when realizing you were standing right in front of me, sipping from a pack of strawberry milk, a stupid wooden counter separating us.

“Hi,” You had said. “I didn't know you worked here.”

How would you have known, though. We weren't friends, just students going to the same high school. However, the fact you sounded genuinely interested and curious about me made my heart flutter just a little, but enough to remind me that I had a crush on you for eight solid months. Do you know that some studies say that if you keep on liking the same person for three consecutive months, then it means that you love them? It was eight months for me, Hyukjae. But I don't think I loved you. Not yet, at least. After all, what was the point in loving someone I never had a real conversation with? I didn't want to fall in love with someone I didn't stand a chance with. I was firmly keeping my feelings for you at the state of a teenager crush, and nothing else.

“Hello,” I had replied, then, and I think it's the first word I've ever said to you. “How can I help you?”

Your smile widened and you turned slightly to point a ray packed with hip-hop CD's. “I was looking for a specific CD of hip-hop,” You replied. “But I don't know where to look.”

I recalled the way I got up from my stool and how I stumbled to join you at the other side of the counter. We walked off to the hip-hop section of the shop, and all I could think of was your strong and sweet scent I could smell every time the fan of the shop softly blew air towards us. I tried as best as I could to help you, because it seemed like it would be my one and only chance. You told me about your favorite singers and idols, your dream of becoming a professional dancer one day. I didn't say much, you were the only one talking. You didn't look as if it was bothering you and I liked to hear the melody of your voice ringing so close to me, so I didn't dare to stop you. Normal people would probably have tried to grab this opportunity to become your friend and get closer to you ; I didn't. Don't ask me why, because I won't be able to answer you.

You looked handsome as always, and so happy. I didn't want to break this borderline perfection surrounding you. I wanted you to stay as smiling and joyful forever, and I was sure I wouldn't be able to keep you so cheerful. I'm not a happy-going type of guy, Hyukjae. I don't talk a lot, and I don't smile a lot. I'm discreet, often mistook as rude and cold.

We are so different, Lee Hyukjae. Our worlds are so far apart, and I don't want you to be stuck in mine ; you would be so sad, so bored.

When you finally found that CD you were looking for, you gave me a blinding, thankful smile, telling me you would be more than glad to hang out with me one day. You paid your purchase, waving a last time to me, before you disappeared behind the door.

I knew I was screwed up when a sad smile spread on my lips, and I mumbled ; “See you soon, Hyukjae...”

Do you think I'm crazy? No? You should, Hyukjae. Sometimes, I even think myself that I should go to a shrink. Mom almost sent me, to be honest. Do you want to know why? It's because summer vacations were approaching, and as soon as school ended, I couldn't see you anymore.

Can you imagine? Two longs months, lost somewhere in the countryside of Korea, stuck with my parents and my grandparents, without being able to see you. Actually, spending the summer with my family wasn't such a bad thing – I like to go to Mokpo, especially when I know my grandmother will cook my favorite stews and that I will go fishing with my grandfather. Even helping them at the farm doesn't bother me. But what did bother me that year, was the fact you weren't there anymore. I had grown so used to easily spot your blond hair among the crowd of students of our high school, that not being able to see you, even from afar, was almost like a torture. I missed you so much, Hyukjae. You don't even realize how painful the first days of July were. I was like a little child who had lost its plushy, a lost kid who didn't know his way home.

The first week, I locked myself in my usual bedroom at my grandparents' house. I would only leave the dark and gloomy sanctuary I had created when it was time to eat, or when Mom practically dragged me outside. My grandmother told me I looked lifeless, and my grandfather kept repeating I had to eat more if I didn't want to collapse. Mom only frowned at me worriedly.

Things got better when my older brother, Donghwa hyung, arrived a week later. He talked loudly and laughing, just as always, and I just couldn't find it in myself not to smile back. He told us about his life, about his girlfriend and about his job, and I only listened to him absently. I wondered what you were doing, where you were, and if you were still as happy as you were back in high school. It had only been a few days since I didn't get to see your face, but it already seemed like an eternity. I remember I was tempted to call Siwon at some point, just to ask him if he knew where you were ; he has a good relationship with Kyuhyun, and I was sure the latter knew about you. I didn't, though, because my pride wouldn't allow me. I didn't want to let myself drown into a self-inflicted daydream ; maybe is he thinking about me? Maybe he actually likes me back? Maybe he's just shy. Those are a few things I forbid myself to think. I already had a serious case of infatuation over you, I didn't need to start hallucinating the possibility of a relationship between us.

Truthfully, I don't remember a lot of last year's summer vacations, simply because you weren't there. I do recall the first days, since they were the hardest, but the following weeks are just meaningless yet sweet memories of my family and I hanging out in my native countryside. I probably spent half of my time thinking of you, and the other half cursing mosquitoes and sunburns.

Most people would have forgotten about this kind of crush. Two months is generally more than enough to clear one's mind and head, to find somebody else to like and to forget the unrequited feelings we once had for that special someone. I honestly thought I would be able forgetting about you, Hyukjae. Do you know how hard I tried to erase you from my head and from my heart? I tried strolling around the nearest city – which was awfully small compared to Seoul – and find someone that could grasp my interest, girls or boys, but nobody attracted my attention. They weren't you, and all I wanted was you. It was utterly frustrating, to say the least. I think I willingly banged my head against the wall of the kitchen a few times – which is why Mom wanted me to go see a shrink, by the way.

Then came the start of Senior year. I think I never was as excited to go back to school than this particular year. Do you remember, Hyukjae, when four months ago we stepped in the courtyard of the high school, as if nothing had changed? Now, all of us are Seniors, slowly turning into young adults and letting behind our teenager's lives. We all know how important this year is, the challenge of the universities' competitive exams right ahead. I should have been nervous upon coming back to school, thinking about whatever universities or preparatory classes I wanted to get in, but all I could think about was you. I was excited to see you again, after two long, agonizing months. I wondered if you would be in my class this year, and if we would become friends. It was childish hopes, but it was pleasant nonetheless ; you're not in my class, and we're still not friends. I spotted you right away, that day. You were by the gates of the high school, talking with Kyuhyun and Henry. You were still the same, and the familiar smile you had on your lips made me grin with relief.

I didn't know that despite the incredible joy of being able to look at you again, a huge sorrow would fall on me no later than the following day.

I honestly think I cried when I heard the news. For how long, I don't know, but I know that it hurt. I wanted to hate you for making me so pathetic and miserable, but I couldn't find the strength in me to be genuinely upset at you. You didn't do anything wrong, after all. It was just me being stupid and over-dramatic.

Do you remember the second day of school, the last September? It was the end of the class, when I learned about it. Or rather, when I saw it. You and your boyfriend. You looked so excited to see that guy, and I first thought that he was just a close friend of yours. But then, your plump lips were pressed on his, and I felt my world shatter around me.

The scene crushed me and my heart, and I was almost surprised I could still breathe properly. I wanted to run away from you and your lover, but I just couldn't stop staring. To see you kissing him so passionately, just in front of my eyes as if you were taunting me, made anger boil in my veins. I was momentarily tempted to go and punch that bastard a few times, but instead I colorfully insulted him inwardly. What rights did I have toward you? None. I was frozen in place, unable to run or to even move. My eyes were fixated on you, his arms around your waist, and your hands in his hair as you continued kissing.

I don't even know how I managed to go back home, that day. All I know, is that as soon as I was in my bedroom, I collapsed on the mattress and cried all the tears I could pull out. It was so painful, I thought it would never stop hurting. I was sad, but I was happy, too. I didn't know you could feel those two completely different emotions at the very same time, before that night.

I was sad, because it wasn't me. I wasn't the one kissing you and holding you tight against me. I wasn't the one making your eyes sparkle with excitation and such strong feelings of adoration. It wasn't me who had the chance to taste your sweet lips, to hear you laugh and talk all the time, and to hold your hand whenever I wanted. I don't even know why I was this disappointed and heartbroken, when I already knew that nothing was possible between us. You're out of my reach, Hyukjae. You're just so perfect, in my eyes.

But at the same time, I felt happy for you. It was true my heart felt as if it had been crushed into million pieces, but you, you looked ecstatic. That guy seemed to procure you enough love, care and tenderness to keep you on smiling, maybe even brighter than before. If you were bright and sunny, then I had to be content. You seemed to be as happy as the day is long, and I was glad of it to a certain point.

I heard from Siwon that his name was Kim Kibum. I really hate to admit it, but he's handsome and looks like a nice guy. It looked like he was taking good care of you whenever I saw you together. What is funny in this whole mess, is that as soon as I learned that you had a boyfriend, I did my best to avoid you. Don't be mad, Hyukjae, it was only because I was scared to be even more hurt than I already was. You know I don't blame you for anything, but it was really painful. I didn't look for your blond hair anymore, and I did my best to be as far as possible whenever you would laugh that cheery laugh of yours. I didn't look for you among the crowd of students of our high school and I wouldn't try to catch a glimpse of you when soccer practice would begin anymore. Instead, I spent my time at the rooftop of the high school, mourning over my own pitiful life. It wasn't a good phase of my life, to be honest, and I would like to forget it as quick as possible, but since it involves you, I guess this wish won't be fulfilled.

I remember that you stopped by the CD store, one day of November. I don't recall what happened exactly, because I did my best not to talk too much with you, and thankfully, the old man had took care of you pretty quickly – he usually keeps on sleeping and snoring. I didn't want to talk to you and see your single-lidded eyes, because I was sure it would only make me fall deeper in my infatuation over you. I wanted to be strong, and even if I was only being weak, it gave me the slight illusion that you didn't have as much importance as you had in the past. But who was I trying to convince, really? You still had, more than ever actually, and I was just fooling myself.

Four long months went by like this, and now it's January. The Christmas break is over and we have to go back to school already. I still wonder how you are doing, what you were doing during the break and if you spent it with Kibum. I walk lazily toward the high school, the place where everything started ; where I began to look at you and to like you. You're the first thing I see when I go in the warm building of the school, and you're talking with Sungmin this time. Something makes me frown upon landing my eyes on you, and I wonder what it is. I stare at you, maybe too boldly, but something makes me uncomfortable when my eyes trail over your flawless face. Then, you lift your head and your eyes meet mine and that's when I realize ; you're not smiling anymore.

It's Siwon – again – who tells me the reason why your beautiful gummy smile is not plastered on your lips anymore. He tells me in Philosophy class, when the teacher is turning his back to us after loudly scolding a kid at the first row, and at first I don't believe him.

Did you really break up with him, Hyukjae? Is it true that you and Kibum aren't together anymore? Will you forgive me for being so... guiltily happy about it?

Donghae chews on his bottom lip with worry, hesitantly making his way up the stairs. The door leading to the forbidden rooftop of the high school is just in front of him, almost taunting him as he grips harder on the pack of milk in his hand. He wonders if it's a good idea, if he shouldn't turn back and go down the stairs instead. He's a little scared because he doesn't know how he is going to react, and he feels nervous because he's doing it because of him.

He stares at the door for a few minutes, deliberating for what seems like hours, until he finally decides to grab the door knob and turn it. He opens the door quietly, making hesitant steps outside. He shivers when a strong, cold wind makes his hair fly around his face and snowflakes fall on his head. He looks around him, looking for that particular head of blond hair, until he finally spots him, sitting on a very old bench, near the wire fence encircling the rooftop. Donghae immediately stops in his tracks, gulping down a knot of nervousness forming in his throat. He gazes at his back, biting on his lower lip with a mix of anticipation and apprehension. He doesn't move and he begins hesitating again. He looks so beautiful, just sitting there on that bench, his hair flying around him as small snowflakes fall around his charismatic figure.

Donghae doesn't know what he's supposed to do, so he just listens to his instinct and with a determined sigh, he walks again. Wordlessly, he sits down next to the blond boy, avoiding eye contact. He can feel his gaze on him, but he's too much of a coward to look back. Instead, he glances at the pack of strawberry milk in his hand and quietly puts it between them.

“Here,” He mumbles.

He hears a chuckle, then, and he immediately whips his head around because it has been a while since he has heard him laugh, even if it's a little. His eyes immediately meets Hyukjae's single-lidded ones, and the latter is smiling brightly. His lips are stretched over his teeth and gums, and cute wrinkles appear under his beautiful eyes, just like the first time Donghae saw his face, when he had crashed into him in the hallway.

“Thank you, Donghae,” Hyukjae says, and his smile widens.

Donghae didn't know he knew his name and it makes his heart flutters violently with happiness. He grins back, bashfully. “You're welcome, Hyukjae.”

I don't know how I came to love you, Lee Hyukjae, he thinks as Hyukjae opens the pack of milk, but I just know that I do.

I'm done with writing fluff until the end of the flipping week.

I spent almost a solid month on writing, proofreading, editing and panicking over this chapter, spazzing comments are really much appreciated ;) And thank you to my amazing Twin wan mei for all the bêta-ing!

And since I shamelessly advertise, please support this one-shot! I'll post the epilogue in two weeks, approximately, since I have exams. This was supposed to be a two-shot with epilogue, but I decided that a one-shot would be better. I'll make a sequel if anybody is interested. Also, please check out my other stories 8D Naughty Mouth ~

Thank you for reading ~ Comments, upvotes and subscribes?