just a thought.

“you don't know when it happens. it just does,” he said one day. it got into me so I tried to piece all of my thoughts up in a piece of paper.

 

try talking to myself, i guess?

 

-

 

there comes this time when you were still young – all innocent eyes and a lot of questions. you don't know what this is and what that is. all you know is that, you got to be happy.

 

girls have cooties; boys were strange. everywhere, one has the same opinion: having even a single friend means a smile all throughout the day.

 

everything was simple back then. you walk when you were told to walk. you run when you were told to run. skip, they say. skip, you do. everything was simple. one two three did not even make any sense.

 

but you grow old. you start to see the people around you and you realize that the world revolves around a star, and not you. (you learn that in school.) you start to be self-conscious. you start to wonder who you are.

 

who are you?

 

girls wore clothes to impress; boys played sports to be recognized.

 

everywhere, one has the same thought in mind: i need to be noticed.

 

then it all comes one day. you grow a little bit older and you start to mature and it just happens – the stage where you need to climb and to try reaching for a stable string that you can hold onto. the time when you fall in love (or you think you fall in love).

 

it starts with a crush.

 

then suddenly, you like.

 

then as if magic happened – i love you.

 

you don't know. it just happened.

 

it just does.

 

-

 

you grow older and older and older and older as time passes by.

 

you forget the possibilities and the bright dreams; all that is stuck in your mind are what ifs: what if I did this before? what if I do this now?

 

what if what if what if.

 

( dude, I don't even know but can't you just even try? )

 

step forward a little. just like when you were young. just like when you first started to fall in love.

 

-

 

you have this time when you're so confused or feeling so low you just want to climb up to the roof of your apartment or condo building and shout 'i will free fall from my apartment' or something. like you want to smash a bottle but you just can't because a bottle costs much even though it's just a bottle – a piece of scrap you call junk.

 

then the thought starts circling your brain once more. like a maze, it becomes more complex and you don't know where to go

 

what if what if what if what –

 

stop.

 

open your eyes.

 

try looking up.

 

you'll see the sky and the clouds and the sun shining so bright. or you'll see the moon (whatever shape it shows) and the thousands and millions of stars reaching out to you even though they're gazillion of light years away.

 

it's beautiful, is it not? just naturally beautiful.

 

-

 

everything happens for a reason.

 

it's a cliched thought – it's all around the net, the tv the blah and the blah. but it means something.

 

to be quite honest, if you've stopped for awhile and thought about something with a clear state of mind...

 

input – silence. silence. silence.

 

...you'll see a variety of things.

 

like how something so small can affect you in the most biggest of ways. how a glass that breaks cannot be put back together so easily without the help of something else. how that glass can be compared to a person's relationship with others and so on and so on and so on.

 

everything is connected. everything happens for a reason.

 

it just is because it just does.

 

-

 

we were given free will because, come to think of it, we aren't robots.

 

free will was a given, but do we experience freedom in its entirety? i think so not.

 

why? ask yourself.

 

you think so much.

 

it just does.

 

-

 

'you don't know when it happens. it just does,' i keep on repeating it in my mind.

 

it just does it just does it just does.

 

i sighed. it was starting to confuse me. i mean, how the hell did I even manage to write all of these?

 

mind in daze, i called him.

 

ringringring.

 

it was in the fifth ring when he answered with a yo.

 

me: why tell me this again? you're impossible.

him: what impossible? i'm possible, baby. you're talking to me right?

me: stop talking , kyungsoo.

him: yes, I love you. Mhm.

 

i stayed silent as i rolled my eyes.

 

him: I told you because you were on your weird mood swings, jong. in. nie.

me: and the connection is?

him: the connection is – it just does. and i love you. it's late. go to sleep, you idiot.

me: whatever.

 

he hung up with a soft laugh.

 

i laid on my bed a few minutes later with the paper in my hand. i crumpled it and threw it to the trash bin, not caring whether it actually went inside the bin or not.

 

i shift and hugged my pillow. feeling my lips curl a bit, i sighed.

 

yea. everything happens for a reason. it just does.