It felt like falling. From the clouds going down, freely falling as the wind sliced through my skin with its crisp feel. I felt light yet heavy at the same time. I was no longer in control of my body, the wind carried me. It made me feel like I was flying.
 

But I was fooled. The wind had only eased me to the pain that was yet to come. I slowly fell to my demise, the cold hard ground of reality breaking me in to tiny pieces. My body felt beaten but it cannot compare to the ache in my heart.

It felt like falling.. Hard on the ground.

I curl up, hugging my knees; the sudden crash had broken me and left me feeling defeated.

“He left me..” I muttered, as the tears trickle down my face. I repeated the words until it made sense, until my brain could process why my whole being suddenly felt broken. Memories of his smile ran in my mind, how it felt reassuring and comforting, knowing that it’s his smile that will always be the reason for me to keep going..

For me to live this life..

His gentleness that made me feel secure. His arms that held me through the unbearable nights. His soft voice that soothed my troubled thoughts.

He is my everything. But now, he’s gone.

“Luhan left me..” I whisper to myself as the words slowly made its way in to my conscious mind, letting myself ease to the reality that Luhan had left me. Without a word. Without an explanation. Without even a good bye. All that once made sense to me crashed along with my heart.

Luhan was.. is my everything, he is all that I have. He is where I take my strength from. He is the source of my inspiration. He is why I strive harder and harder to the top. He helped me, carrying all the weight for me, helping me lift the troubles and letting my heart feel lighter.

I embraced my pillow, burying my face in it and muffling out the cries that escaped my throat. I cried all night, my breathing hitched and my whole body felt cold. I covered myself with my blanket and pulled some more pillows next to me. But it wasn’t enough. I still felt cold even with the blanket. I still felt that, even though I am surrounded by pillows, my bed grew bigger now that Luhan had left. I clutched on my pillow, embracing harder and harder, trying to find something to hold on to. Something that will stop the tears from falling. Something that will heal my wounded being. I needed to hold on to something.

..to someone.

I wake up with tears running down one of my cheek. It’s been three long years and even though my bed isn’t as cold as before, it is not enough to keep me away from my nightmares.

I stir to my side and I see a beautiful angel sleeping next me. Brown ruffled hair, soft features, and even softer pink lips. I sigh – the memory of my nightmare haunting me – and trace my finger on his cheek. He slowly opens his eyes and then smiles at me.

It been three long years and the nightmares wouldn’t go away. I wonder why it is not enough to be loved and cherished by this angel, why it is not enough to keep the nightmares away. He leans in and places a soft kiss on my cheek. He smiles at me lovingly as he traces his fingers on the hair draping on my face.

Even though it is not enough to keep the nightmares away, his smile is enough to make me forget about the pain.

I snuck in closer to him, feeling his warmth. It is mornings like this, when I wake up with cold sweat on my back and my hand gripping tightly on the blankets, that I ask myself when will I ever learn to love this angel like the way he loves me. Whole heartedly and unconditionally..

I smile back at him as he greets me good morning and tells me he loves me.

I arrive at the apartment an hour earlier than Junmyeon. The silence in the house isn’t at all unnerving but when the phone suddenly rang and it went straight to voicemail, the soft voice on the other line made me tense.

“Hi.. It’s.. me.. I’m glad you haven’t changed your landline number.. I.. um, wasn’t really sure how I could reach you.. I thought you’d.. I thought you’d change houses when you quit from KLH.. I.. um.. I wanted to talk to you..”

I zone out as the voice continued to speak and list his phone number so I could call him back. His voice was still as soft as I could remember and his the way he stutters have always told me that it means he’s nervous.

I could feel the blood from my face draining and then pooling in my stomach. I wanted to throw up because I was so afraid. He’s a dead memory or so I thought. His voice as he said his last message before hanging up, rang in my ears and then ran shivers through my entire body as if a ghost had whispered it..

“Call me back? I miss you..”

I had nightmares that night and not even the smile that Junmyeon gave me in the morning was enough to ease the pain.

I pull my jacket tighter to my body as I feel the cold breeze that suddenly passed by. There he is sitting in the cafe, drinking what I expect is bubble tea, and constantly checking his watch. He’s nervous. I am too.

I walk up to the cafe and push to hear the soft chimes welcoming me. He sees me and then he stands up from his seat when I started to walk up to him. After three long years without him, without a good bye, without anything about him – he shows up. I should be mad at him, yell at him for leaving me to crumble. I should throw that stupid bubble tea at his face. I should tell him how much he destroyed my heart and how much he owed me. I should be enraged.

However, I am not.

“Hi.” I could barely hear my own voice. We sit down in an awkward silence, eyes looking at any direction except each other. Admittedly, I’m waiting for him to say–

“I’m sorry.” His voice croaked. His trying to swallow something in his throat but he failed. I look up at him and I could see the tears welling up his eyes. I feel a clench in my heart and then I felt a sudden wave of guilt. I suddenly thought of Junmyeon..

“I- I shoud go..”

“Please.. Don’t leave.” His hand gripped tightly on my wrist and I almost laughed at what he said. Don’t leave.. How ironic.

“You know, if you had said good bye before, I would have told you the same thing.” I wriggle my wrist away, walked away from him and never looked back. It was a mistake meeting up with him. It was a mistake that I even listened to that stupid voicemail. It was a mistake because now I know he is still important to me. It was a mistake because now I know, even through all the pain and suffering, I am still in love with him.

I pull my jacket tighter to my body to keep the cold away. It’s creeping back again, the coldness I felt when he left me before. The coldness that I felt when I know that he’ll never be there to keep my heart warm.

But warm arms suddenly held me from behind and I sobbed. My eyes flooded with my bottled emotions as Luhan’s voice whisper in my ear. “I’m sorry.. I’m sorry..”

I shake my head roughly, convincing myself that I don’t believe him. I struggle out of his hold but his arms only held me tighter. We stand alone on the sidewalk, all tears and whispers. I face him and his eyes are puffy from all the crying. I know mine are too.

“I left because I wanted to be someone better..” He said, wiping my tears that would not stop falling. “You.. You’re amazing. You’ve achieved so much. You’re beautiful, you’re smart.. People love you and respect you. So I started to wonder, if I was enough for you..”

“I was just a singer. A singer at a local radio station.. And you were the big shot producer. I’ve always wanted to be more, to reach out and become someone greater. But I never had the courage to. That is until I realized I wasn’t good enough for you.”

“So I left. To be the Luhan that would suit you, and be able to protect you. I wanted to be perfect for you. I know I left without a word and I don’t have the right to say this but I’m here now, and I want to make things right again. Please.. Will you take me back?”

I stepped back, trying to process everything that he just said. He’s right; he doesn’t have any rights to tell me this. I didn’t want an explanation three years after he left. I didn’t deserve to be left out without a word. He doesn’t deserve a second chance. I should turn my heel, walk away, and cling on to Junmyeon’s warmth because right now, looking at Luhan with puffy eyes and clenched heart, I feel like I’m falling hard on the ground again.

But I didn’t. Instead, I took a step forward, closer to Luhan’s warmth as he envelopes me in his embrace.

I went home with Luhan that night. All the misery and all the remorse, washed away as we made love.

I rest my head on his chest and I could hear his heart beating, the familiarity and the way that his heart beats as if it was spelling out my name drowns away all the pain, all the suffering erased, and all the guilt being in another man’s arms, insignificant.

As Luhan wraps his arms around me, whispering, “I love you” over and over again, I close my eyes and let sleep engulf me. Because I know tonight, that Luhan’s presence is enough to keep the nightmares away.

A/N: This took a different direction than I thought it would. This is a little longer than Belong; it’s compensation since I was gone for a while. I’ll be making an alternate ending for this as well if you guys ask for it.

Again, this is a fic inspired by my daughter. She makes the concepts and she allows me to water the seeds for it to grow in to a plant story. Thank you, daughter, this fic is for you.

PS: To those following my fic “THE AFTER PARTY”. I am sorry. Updates will be sometime next week. I still have post traumatic stress about Yesung’s enlistment and what-not, so I can’t really focus on my chaptered stories. But do not fret, I will feed you with one shots. Because I love every single one of you, even though you guys are REALLY quiet. Shy maybe? Or just doesn’t give a damn to leave me at least one comment?

PPS: Maknae-ah, this is dedicated to you as well. Feed your Luhan feels.

*kisseu*

(05/17 there i fixed it. its not all over the place anymore ^^)