There is so much pain.  I can feel it, it’s inside of me, just building, like the way a balloon gets blown up with air.  I feel so hurt and sad.  I can’t make it go away, no matter what I do.  It’s never going to end, ever, unless… 

“Haneul~”  I felt warm.

“Haneul, get up please.”

I wake up fully and find myself lying in tall green grass studded with flower gems.  There is a tree and a stream next to me and everything is bright and glowing and warm.  I feel happy at the sight of this place.  My inside pain is still there, but I learned that you can feel happy and hurt at the same time.  The boy calling my name is sitting under the tree, and he gets up and walks toward me.  I feel sad again, I look ugly and fat, and he is gorgeous.  Why would he want to look at me?  He stands over me and looks down at me laying on the ground. 

“Well aren’t you going to get up?”

“I- I can’t, my legs are too weak…”

“Won’t you try Haneul?”

I was slightly confused but I tried to get up anyway.  To my surprise, I could stand, with a little help from the beautiful boy.  My legs were shaky and weak, but he let me lean on him till I could stand on my own.  After a little bit I could stand by myself, so we just stood there looking at each other for a few seconds.

“Haneul, walk with me”

“I- I can’t, my legs don’t want to move…”

He held out his arm for me to take and said “Won’t you try Haneul?”

So arm in arm we walked and I was still self-conscious, but less so than before.  We walked parallel to the stream.  It was sparkling and it reflected the sun.  I smiled a little bit at how pretty it was.  The boy look at me and said

“Run with me Haneul”  My smile faded and I shook my head

“I- I can’t, my muscles won’t work…”

He grabbed my hand and squeezed it “Won’t you try, Haneul?”

He started running, pulling me along.  His hand felt warm, like everything else here so I smiled a little.  I felt a small breeze ruffle my hair and I smiled wider.  I was running slow at first, but I soon got quicker and the faster I went, the better I felt.  The sun shined on my eyelids and the wind pulled uselessly at my hair.  The stream matched our pace.  I laughed.  It was a foreign sound to me, but not at all unpleasant.  It sounded nice and so I did it again.  The glowing boy joined with me and we created a flowing harmony of laughs, echoing off the sky.  I felt happy, and I was good.  I spoke to the boy for the first time other than to answer questions and said

“I can try.  I will try.  I won’t stop trying, ever.”

He turned to look at me while we were still running.

“Oh but Haneul, my love, you don’t have to try anymore.  You stopped trying, remember?  There’s only one more thing you have to try, then you’re done. “  He smiled dreamily at me and we were still running still getting faster, everything getting brighter. I was confused.

“What is it?”

My face was now in a frown.

“Try… to fly with me Haneul.” 

I shook my head, wanting to try other things, to see my other friends, to see my family, to see my cat.  To try for them.  I wanted to try again.  He saw my distress and looked sadly at me.

“Haneul, I can’t do anything else.  I can’t help you other than to help you fly.  I’m sorry baby, I love you, so please fly with me.”

I was sad for my loss.   I didn’t want to fly, but when he reached out his hand, I took it and our running feet left the ground, because the ground was light, and I felt one last tinge of goodbye.  Because I couldn’t ever go back.