the time & ages might not add up but idgaf because i wrote this at 4:06 am and my brain is closer to becoming the brain of a dog than a humans. 

This isn't really all that sad. Okay. 

and I count my sins

05. 14. 2003

The first time Luhan kisses him is when they're on the roof top, mouths frozen solid as they attempt to warm them up. It had been Luhan's stupid idea and Sehun has never been one to reject what he wants. 

It didn't work too well, and Sehun had ended up accidentally biting Luhan's lips and tongue in the process because he's never kissed anyone before even though he's already sixteen. When they pull apart, his lips feel blistered and Luhan looks too happy. Sehun scowls and decides he doesn't like kissing Luhan as much as he thought he would. 

"It's because I'm older," Luhan says with a superior tone to his voice as he cups Sehun's face again and leans forward, warm breath ghosting into Sehun's cold mouth. "I'm more experienced." 

Sehun swallows down his jealousy and whispers back, "kissing Minzy and Tiffany during spin the bottle doesn't count as practice, hyung." 

01. 21. 2001

When Luhan is about fifteen he comes out of the closet, quite literally. 

Sehun had just met Luhan recently and he has been eating lunch with him ever since last Friday, Jongin and some kid named Minseok that Sehun still somehow forgets the existence of sometimes (even though they've known each other since they were five). 

Luhan walks into the classroom's closet in the classroom silently without even saying Hi first before he closes the door, and then opens it again. 

Sehun his eyes blinking extra slowly just as Luhan says, "guys I think I'm gay." 

For some reason Sehun is the only one of all his friends that don't choke on their food and end up needing 2 days off from school because the news had apparently been that shocking. Still, even now, whenever Jongin asks him why he hadn't been surprised Sehun responds in his normal monotonous voice, "Luhan is too pretty to be straight."

Logic is Sehun's strong point. 

03. 19. 2004

It isn't like they're dating, Sehun thinks as he places a cup of water onto his table in front of Luhan as said male gulps it down in one go. Luhan just likes messing with him. 

Sehun has known Luhan for at least 2 years now, and not once has Sehun seen Luhan settle down with a boyfriend for more then a week. He goes through lovers like he does dirty socks. 

"You're a mess," Sehun says with a stoic face as he takes in Luhan and all his glory. His latest boyfriend had been some college student named Hyunsik, Hyunsik had apparently been quite angry with the fact that Luhan has been sleeping not just with Sehun behind his back, but Jongin and Jongdae as well (though Sehun likes to think Luhan has been sleeping with that University kid named Wufan or something, as well); his hyung has always been one to play around too much sometimes. 

Hyunsik had done a good job getting revenge, Sehun thinks with a tone of wistfulness as he runs his blunt nails over the blooming purple bruise on Luhan's right cheek and the scrape on his nose that he probably got trying to get away from Hyunsik's anger. 

"Am I?" Luhan says dully, placing the cup down onto the table before asking what he always asks when he comes over, "are your parents coming home soon?"

"I'm not sleeping with you" Sehun says with a raised brow, before poking the bruise on Luhan's pretty face ---such a shame, really,--- quite roughly. "You look like you just got dragged through an alley. I'm not that desperate." 

Luhan quirks an eyebrow at him before sticking out his tongue. "Kiss me, at least? I feel horrible."

"You cheated on him, you deserve it."

Luhan pauses briefly in the midst of him leaning over the table to grab the front of Sehun's plain white t-shirt, lips bruised as he looks up from under his eyelashes. "It isn't like you ever stop me." 

06. 03. 2003

"Do you sleep with anyone?" Sehun ends up blurting out as he picks his Social text book out of his locker, body crouched over as he tugs it by the tips of his fingers. He see's Luhan flinch from the corner of his eye before the pretty dirty blond merely shrugs his shoulders before diverting his eyes. 

"Why, want to sleep with me?" It has no bite or hook, but Sehun ends up throwing his bag over his shoulder before slamming his locker closed and turning around. 

"Sure," Sehun says without a beat of hesitation. "Might as well lose it to gain experience." 

Luhan scowls at him, "I wasn't actually offering, do you think I'm a ?"

Yes. Is at the tip of Sehun's tongue, but Sehun remembers Jongin reprimanding him about his all too blunt personality. Lies, in all, have never been his strong point. Sehun blinks lazily at Luhan in reply, wondering between Luhan's small breaths why the boy has such pretty long eye-lashes. Like a girl, Sehun ends up thinking just as the halls empty and he steps up close and personal, cornering them both into the groove in which the walls meet. 

"I'm not sleeping with you" Luhan says this time with more conviction, tilting his head the other way when Sehun attempts to sweep his head down to capture Luhan's lips. "I'm not sleeping with someone that has a horrendous lisp." 

His lips quirked just as he wraps his fingers around Luhan's petite chin. "So, are you or are you not?"

"A ?" Luhan says with shining eyes, "of course I am." 

Sehun doesn't fail to see how dead Luhan's eyes actually seem under the fake shine. But Sehun has never cared for messy feelings like depression and self-hate; it anything, he'd prefer to be completely ignorant to the entire world if he could help it. 

06. 22. 2003

Luhan ends up graduating before Sehun, though Sehun had expected this and knew it'd come, but he didn't actually think he'd have to actually wait till after school to sneak kisses with Luhan, or anything like that. 

"This " Luhan says bluntly as he digs the dirt from under his nails. "I hate life."

"It'll be okay hyung" Sehun finds himself saying as he bumps shoulders with Luhan, "you have Minseok hyung." 

Luhan looks like he wants to say something, but the cheer of the crowd along with the loud screams of good bye! reach their lips and all Sehun is able to process is the fact that Luhan had grabbed his hand for a split second and squeezed it. 

04. 05. 2004

"You're really ing clueless" Jongin chimes happily as Sehun places a water bottle into the fridge, throat throbbing and lips bleeding. "He likes you, Sehun."

Sehun drops whatever he had grabbed (which now resembles ruined dinner, in Sehun's honest opinion) and he gives Jongin the stink-eye. "That's a bad joke."

Jongin frowns, taking a long swig out of his water before dropping the empty bottle into the trash beside him, voice low as he pushes his chair back, "I'm not joking. He's liked you before you even met him." 

Jongin leaves him like that, his mouth agape as he holds his cell phone in his sweating hands the message You like me? already typed out and in all seriousness, Sehun feels more terrified to send this message than that time he had been dared to e-mail Mrs. Chen I like men. 

His thumb skims over the send button before falling down on the cancel button and deleting the message. 

03. 03. 2004

"Why aren't you in your first year yet?" Sehun drawls lazily as he fans his red face with a binder Luhan had fished from his closet, "you're going to screw yourself over."

"Just a break, you know" Luhan chimes softly, seated in the kitchen as he messages someone about something and Sehun doesn't really care. "I have to go back to China when I start University," Luhan kind-of whispers and Sehun sits up abruptly.

"Really?" Sehun finds himself saying with a wide mouth, before, "why?" 

Luhan opens the cap to his water bottle, sad eyes looking way past Sehun. "Because I don't belong here." 

01. 03. 2001

"I have a crush on this guy," Jongin says with bright red-cheeks, placing his math textbook into his union jack backpack before flinging it over one shoulder compared to Sehun's contrasting good student look. "Name is Luhan."

"What?" Sehun asks, voice clipped with impatience as he tilts the screen of his phone to make his character on his phone jump over a pit of lava, he clicks a button before looking up with squinted eyes, "what did you just say?"

Jongin looks something like a kicked puppy, before he looks off to the side and mutters, "nothing." 

"Okay" Sehun says un-pausing his game. 

04. 02. 2004

I give you two options, the text message reads and Sehun can already sense the anger leaking behind each word, date me or I leave for China.

Sehun merely blinks at the text message because it's 6am and he has class in 30 minutes and he's sure his alarm should've went off 20 minutes ago, and wait, he pauses blinking at the message again, Luhan sent the message at 4:03 am. 

Sehun grabs a cup of hot coffee, rushing all over his house before replying back with a simple, think of your future, hyung. 

He pauses before sending another,

and you're dating Minseok hyung, aren't you? 

Sehun ends up 12 minutes late to first block calculus anyway. 

Minseok ends up messaging him at 4:05 pm, 3 hours late and Sehun merely taps his screen in dismay when his hyung finally had answered his question.

What do you mean am I dating Luhan?

Sehun blinks at the message, typing back with rapid speed, aren't you two dating?

The reply is No, just No. before Minseok completely ignores all of Sehun's panicked texts in favour of ing Jongdae that's technically dating Lee Yuri, but no one really knows to be honest, it's too confusing, those three. 

"He lied?" Sehun says with wide eyes when Jongin kindly explains Luhan's white lie that he's dating Minseok, actually, according to Jongin they've all been lies. Each. And. Every. One. "Why?"

"So he would seem like a , I don't know," Jongin says with a loud yawn, pen tapping against his desk as he groans out, "he told me he's heading back to China tonight."

"Oh." Sehun says blankly as he whispers a good bye and hangs up. He doesn't call Luhan, nor does he text him, because he knows he's the reason why Luhan is leaving in the first place. And truly, his hyung should think of his future. 

Sehun ends up going to the airport anyway, watching each plane fly into the sky until it's 7:09 am and he has class in an hour. 

the end