Here is where the heart lies and the depths grow further upward, rather than downward.

--

Lee Howon is by no means a simple character. He has depths, some of them unexplored by anyone other than himself. Sungjong thinks he knows Lee Hoya of Infinite, and in some aspects, he does. But what he doesn’t know is Lee Howon, the farthest hidden piece of personality edged into the crests of the bottom of his heart. That was Lee Howon, all too casual and distant when cameras weren’t rolling and jokes weren’t necessary. Lee Howon appears during moments of exhaustion, where Hoya was too worn out to show any further and had to be called back in for a checkup. Lee Howon was his replacement and by now, Sungjong has come to a point where Lee Howon was nothing but silence and steady stares at nothing, of exhaustion and emotions too deep to comprehend, of zero tolerance for Sungyeol’s antics and whose arms couldn’t lift properly. That was Lee Howon, but only part of Lee Howon.

Sungjong has spent his free time gazing in the mirror of their practice room, exhausted but still admiring the way Hoya’s shoulders never slump, never slump until Howon appears—then his eyes are bleary with tears and uncertainty and Sungjong figures he likes Howon like that too.

Aside from his initial cockiness and attitude of wit set up for camera and lights and stages, Lee Hoya, Lee Howon, are practically inseparably different from one another. You can’t tell them apart with physical features, but the subtle movement of power that Hoya has and grace that Howon has, it’s distinguishable. Sungjong learns to read Howon, learns to interpret the twitch of his eyebrows and the corners of his mouth stretching upwards or downwards. Lee Sungjong becomes an expert at reading Howon, but he still hasn’t dabbled into the deepest and most vulnerable part of Lee Howon. This part of Howon makes Sungjong jittery, makes him panic because what is Howon going to do next? The part of him that Sungjong couldn’t ever possibly read—this part worries Sungjong because his eyes are always too sad and sweat always slicks his face and flattens his bang onto his forehead. This part is foreign and Sungjong has all but witnessed it twice, both times wishing he weren’t there and wishing there was something he could do other than offering a forced smile through clenched teeth.

Sungjong monitors their performance after a stage, monitoring Hoya’s effortless s and how his legs seem to be gliding and never picking up. Sungjong turns his eyes away from the monitor for a second and sees Howon sitting next to him, not Hoya. He sees the tired in his eyes and sees the angst that plucks at his heartstrings. Lee Howon was worn so thin, Lee Hoya was holding on by a string, and all Lee Sungjong could do was watch wide-eyes with clenched smiles. Because that was love and that’s the foundation of brotherhood Infinite was built on.

Myungsoo (not L, L was never there when there wasn’t a camera) comes in tumbling through the door of their dressing room and tells them it’s time to leave, that everyone is changed now (that everyone is themselves and exhausted) and they stride towards the van. There were fans and the smiles are back on everyone’s faces, exhaustion so evident it hurts Sungjong.

When they get home to the dorm, Woohyun calls the shower and Sungjong ponders over if this were really home (he hears Sunggyu yelling at Sungyeol and thinks for a second, this is right).

Howon drags himself to the shower after Woohyun gets out and Woohyun never takes long showers when he’s too exhausted to enjoy it. Everyone was in and out of the bathroom in less than ten minutes. Dongwoo falls asleep on the couch because Dongwoo uses up all his energy to try and act lively in front of fans. Woohyun carries him to bed and Sungjong pretends he doesn’t see it when Woohyun kisses Dongwoo on the forehead (friendly actions, he tells himself).

He crawls into bed with damp hair and he doesn’t care if the stylist noonas will have a fit with him, he’s too tired to care. He hears Sungyeol toss and turn and hears Hoya’s rap music and Howon’s snores. Before he completely slips out of consciousness, he hears Sungyeol get up from his bed and walk out into the kitchen (he hears Woohyun and Myungsoo, hears them laughing exhaustedly and he tells himself it’s none of his business.) Sungyeol pads back in when Sungjong is too tired to notice and feels Sungyeol wrap the blanket around him tighter and hears Sungyeol set Howon’s glasses on the table (Howon is terrible at remembering to take them off).

Sometimes, Sungjong lies in bed and tries to figure Sungyeol out, but Sungyeol is an even more difficult creature to understand. At least Howon and Hoya are two separate names and two separate entities—with Sungyeol, there was one and there was another, but which one is real, Sungjong doesn’t know. That was Myungsoo’s job and Woohyun’s job, to figure Sungyeol out. He needs two people, perhaps three to understand his entireness and Sungjong just wasn’t one of them.

So Sungjong dreams of Howon and his exhausted eyes and his graceful movement and not once has he forgotten the fact that Infinite was slowly crumbling into something that wasn’t fame or poverty, but love and broken shards of glasses. Tears and blood was what Infinite was built from and tears and blood is what Infinite will end in.

The beginning was the end, some say, and Sungyeol tosses and turns and Sungjong reminds himself that tomorrow is another day, not today, so he shouldn’t fuss too much.

The next morning comes all too quickly and Sungyeol wakes them gently, Howon fumbling for his glasses and Sungjong barely opening his eyes wide enough to squint through the darkness. Infinite is this—this is home—home is where the heart lies, and Sungjong feels Howon grabbing for his arm when he lies down and tries to fall back to sleep. “Wake up.” And he does. He wakes up to Sungyeol’s bright smile and morning breath, Dongwoo’s tinkering laughter, Sunggyu’s nags and glares, Woohyun hogging the shower, Myungsoo’s silence, and Howon’s warm hands. This is home. This is Infinite, and even if they are indeed slowly falling apart (falling deeper in the abyss of grown-up-ness) they are still one.

--

Howon watches Sungjong and he figures him out, bit by bit, pieces by pieces, he glues together Sungjong’s persona by his watchful gaze and his elegance. Because that’s how Sungjong does with him and Howon realizes he needs four or perhaps five other people to figure Sungjong out for him (for Infinite are seven and excluding anyone would be sin). That’s just how Infinite goes—forward, backward, upward, downward, to infinity and beyond.

a/n brotherhood feels tbh. "This is how Infinite works." says the wise brain of anonymous and THANKS FOR GETTING ME TO SIDETRACK. anywho, this is for you and you know who you are. <3 i love you and hate you at the same time because this wasn't supposed to happen but it did anyway so thanks, not.

you asked for exhausted infinite brofeels and here is what i made of it. also, I CAN BE YOUR PENGUIN, ANYONE'S PENGUIN, AS LONG AS I CAN STAY A PENGUIN BB. /bricked.