Losing him was blue like I’d never known

Missing him was dark grey all alone

Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met

But loving him was red


20.

“Leave!”

“Leave?”

“Yes, leave!”

Her finger pointed at the door, her jaw tightened, lips pressed in a straight line. She’s never been one to conceal her emotions, happy, anger, sadness and tears, tears that streamed from those beautiful eyes, caressing her cheeks as it spilt onto the floor. She meant it this time, she really did. Staring squarely into his eyes she wanted him to know she meant this.

This time;

She wasn’t going to take it back.

“I’m leaving”

“So leave”

As the door shut behind him with a click she knew.

Joohee knew;

She wanted him back.

1.

The first time they meet is near the Han River, where she’s out for her morning jog and he’s trying to just keep up with anyone.

He’d be following her for the last ten minutes. It was a silent competition where both would acknowledge each other’s presence silently, but as strangers they felt this urge to simply outdo each other, for no particular reason than for their own pride.

“Your shoelace is undone” he’s the first to speak up, both continue jogging on the spot, looking at the ground where the white laces looked as if they were going to be a safety hazard. She smiles and gives him a little bow and salute to thank him.

“What’s your name?” she catches up effortlessly

“Lee Minhyuk – Yours?” he was trying to hide that he hadn’t worked out in a few months

“Joohee- just Joohee – also, your shoe lace is undone” she smiles and sprints past him.

Looking at the ground Minhyuk notices his shoe laces tied perfectly in two bows.

He’d realised he’d been duped

2.

He calls her that day, some time at around 8pm because he doesn’t want let her know that he was thinking about it all day.

“Hey – this is Minhyuk from the morning” he’s thankful she can’t see the ridiculous grin on his face at the sound of her voice.

“Minhyuk – Hi, how are you? You got home ok without the paramedics?” she teases

Minhyuk cringes at how she found him collapses in a heap, utterly and completely exhausted from their jog. Still he kept running, because for some reason Minhyuk was intrigued by this girl.

The conversation lasts all night, till 2 in the morning, and he goes to sleep that night with the sweetest of dreams.

3.

The first thing Minhyuk learns about Joohee is that she’s a guy’s girl.

She’s weird, or ‘whimsical’ is how she explains it.

He likes that when he takes her to the movies – the last thing they’d be watching is a chick flick, that on their first date she had a really big beef burger, with fries and ketchup to top.

It’s one of the first few things Minhyuk loves about Joohee

4.

Their first ‘disagreement’ goes a little something like this -

“I told you I wanted Mexican food”

“But we eat Mexican food each and every second night”

“But we can have Korean at home”

“Why do you call yourself Korean, when you don’t even like Korean food?”

There was something about her that always amused him. It was the way she spoke and what she said. It was the things she did that kept him on his toes.

“You such a boring person Minhyuk, really”

“You’re dating this boring person aren’t you?”

He whisked her closer to him, taunting her with his gaze and his breath on her neck.

“Sushi it is then” she presses a kiss against his lip

Leaving them both feeling a little flustered.

5.

The first time Joohee lets Minhyuk sleep over, she makes it clear that they’re just sleeping and nothing more.

“I’ve always slept on the right side of the bed”

“Me too”

She wasn’t going to give in this easy, not just yet.

“What happened to ladies first?”

“I don’t see any in this room”

He stands, feet planted into the ground, arms crossed over his chest.

They were like children, both of them - neither wanting to give in, neither wanting to lose.

As midnight dawned on them neither had shifted from their position

Minhyuk watched as Joohee’s eyes fell droopy and a smile upon appears his face as he realised how ridiculously adorable she looked struggling to keep her eyes opened “Just sleep on the left side ok”

“No you” she blinks her eyes furiously trying to rid herself of sleep.

Uncrossing his arms, Minhyuk rolls his eyes good naturedly and climbs into bed, pulling her down beside him.

He could get used to sleeping on the left side, if it was always her on his right.

6.

The first time Joohee remembers doing anything remotely fun and yet still absolutely terrifying with her boyfriend is with Minhyuk.

“You can’t close your eyes”

“I don’t want to do this”

“You can’t close your eyes”

“No! I don’t want to do this”

“You have to open your eyes!”

Minhyuk’s fingers run down Joohee’s arms as the ride swings back and forth, each time the swing becomes greater till the point where Joohee feels like she could fall out of the seat. He grabs her by the hand and his fingers manage to intertwine with hers. Tossing them into the air, Minhyuk laughs out loud, he screams and screams until he’s certain he’s just gained enough courage to shout what he really wanted to shout.

“I love you Song Joohee”

7.

He meets her mother from the first time and he’s utterly confused as to how they are related.

“She’s not good for you Minhyuk” Except those words came from her own mother’s lips, he forces a smile, and turns to the restroom to see if Joohee was returning “I think you’re a sweet boy – but I know my daughter...”

He frowns “Frankly ma’am, I don’t think you do, and even if you do, you don’t know me, you don’t know what I like, or who I like”

He pulls his hand away from her grasp, her hand still lingering over his. He notices the look of annoyance on her face followed by a frown. “Well then I wish you two a happy life together,” she runs her fingers through her hair and stands up from the seat, leaving them with the bill and Minhyuk with a sour taste in his mouth.

“I think I just offended your mother” he confesses once she returns

“I think you mean step monster” she smirks “So what did you want to eat now? With her gone I think I can digest my food better” it’s the first time he notices what a bright smile she had.

Minhyuk knows he’s made the right choice

8.

Joohee doesn’t remember the last time someone’s doted on her as much as Minhyuk does.

“Dinner was delicious” he makes out the words despite her husky voice and blocked nose

“You’re welcome” he leans in slowly for a kiss but she pulls away

“You’ll get sick”

He shrugs his shoulders and leans in a bit closer, cool lips colliding with her warm ones.

9.

“Feeling better?” she presses her hand against his forehead testing the temperature

“Much” he places the tray of food on the table

“Told you, you shouldn’t of have had kissed me”

He shrugs his shoulders, a smile creeping up on his lips and she leans in a bit closer, cool lips colliding with his warm ones.

10.

“Don’t worry, she- they’ll love you” he smiles

She meets his parents when they’ve been dating for about six months. Her fingers are clammy, is a little raspy and… “My son, you’re home!” his mother braces her youngest, pats him on the back and bottom, and pushes him aside gently.

“Mum!” he sighs “This is Jo-”

“You must be Joohee…” she grins, wide and pulls her in for an embrace “My son has told me so much about you, he’s never been so fond of anyone in his life…” she whispers into her ear and Joohee can feel her cheeks turning a bright red.

Mrs. Lee reaches for Joohee’s hand and brings her into the house, leaving Minhyuk with their bags at the front door. “Old man, come meet your future daughter in law” Mrs. Lee shouts at the top of her voice.

“Mum!” Minhyuk sighs

“You’re really pretty” he hears his mother compliment her from afar “When will you two be having children?”

“MUM!” Minhyuk shrieks.

11.

It’s a lazy day, one of many, and they’re sitting on the couch in his living room, wrapped in warm quilts, and couple hoodies. “My mother loved you” he says, not taking his eyes off the television. “She asked me when we were getting married…”

Joohee laughs, partially because being married is still far away in her mind, but if there’s one thing Joohee likes doing, it’s teasing, and making Minhyuk blush “And when will that be Lee Minhyuk?”

“I told her after you agree to move in with me…” he says, eyes still fixed on the television screen “So will you?” he pulls a set of key from his pocket, all prepared with their own key chains and a key with the words ‘Our home’ on it.

Her fingers curl around the cold metal, she smiles, and blushes just a little bit as she snuggles up even closer to him, missing out on how his ears were glowing like a tomato.

12.

One of their bigger fights happens because of another person. Joohee forgets how Minhyuk gets really jealous and Joohee hates it when Minhyuk gets jealous. When the green monster comes out, there’s no point talking, because it’s not Minhyuk, sweet and level headed, its envy and it’s unattractive Joohee thinks.

But it’s not a pretty sight either when another man carries your slightly intoxicated girlfriend up to your house.

“Choose. Him or me”

It’s not one of those rhetorical questions where she doesn’t need to answer, but it doesn’t mean it’s a question she wants to either. “Don’t you trust me?” she says, hand running through her hair furiously.

“Him…or me” he asks again, slowly and ever so fiercely that it causes the hair on Joohee’s arm to rise.

“Lee Minhyuk!” she hisses

They’re shouting so loud that they don’t really hear a word each other are saying. It becomes a battle of volume, not words and there doesn’t seem to be a winner in sight till Joohee stops.

“I’m leaving, I’m going to stay with Ara, and when you’ve got your head screwed on properly, come and find me” she huffs and storms out of the door with nothing but the clothes on her back and her wallet in hand.

13.

“Forgive me” the first words escape his lips and she’s already cooled down but she doesn’t let Minhyuk know that. Instead she turns around and marches back into Ara’s kitchen, and silence Minhyuk has learnt is Joohee’s strongest weapon because she knows he can’t stand it.

“Jjoohee” he pouts

She doesn’t let him see how her face changes from frustration into disgust and then a genuine smile that appears on the corner of her lips.

“But hey, you were sort of in the wrong too…”

Minhyuk has this terrible habit of always wanting to be right. She pouts, and puffs up her cheeks again, and just when Minhyuk is ready to duck for cover she breathes “I know, I’m sorry…”

14.

Secrets are terrible things for the people who have them – it feeds off love and gives birth to guilt. It keeps her up at night, the fear that he’ll figure out her secrets, that maybe she isn’t the type of person he wants to be with and that he’ll leave her. So she sits on the lounge outside, where she doesn’t have to watch his angelic face as he slept, staring at the moon in the sky. They have conversations, the moon and her, although she does most of the talking.

“Can’t sleep again?”

The clock on the wall reads three in the morning, but he looked wide awake. “Why are you up?”

“I was waiting for you to come back in”

Joohee wonders how long he had been waiting, and she feels guilt all over again. “Sorry”

“What for? If you can’t sleep you should’ve told me…” he walks over slowly with his blanket wrapped around his shoulders as he slides onto the couch beside her.

“And what would you have done?”

“Made you a glass of warm milk” he wraps her in the blanket with him as they fall back slightly against the chair. “What are you thinking of?” he breathes gently on her neck, face burying it in her hair.

“Stuff”

“And what would this ‘stuff’ be that it’s kept you up for so many nights over the past month?”

Joohee wants to ask him how he knows. Joohee wants to ask him so many things, although she knows that she doesn’t deserve that right when she hasn’t even told him everything about herself either.

Minhyuk kisses her bare shoulder, and makes his way up her neck, he kisses her gently, as he moves closer to her ear. She sighs “Would you still love me if I’m not the person you thought I was?”

“And what type of person is that?”

“A greedy person…a selfish person”

“But I already know that” he breathes into the nape of her neck “You’re so greedy that you’ve filled up my heart with nothing but you. I can’t bear to love another person like I do you – no – there is another person that I will love, just as much as I love you. But she’ll have your eyes, and your smile and maybe –” he smiles into her skin “My passion for music.”

Joohee grabs onto his hands that were making their way up her thighs, tracing over old scars she has never forgotten. She’s afraid he’ll turn away when he sees what she’s hiding beneath her layers. But he caresses them, each of his fingers tracing over each scar, without hesitation, like he’s reading each story behind them.

They make love with each other for the first time that night, as Minhyuk learns about Joohee’s past, and how those scars were formed out of self loathing. It makes him sad, and even more determined to love her, even though she’s already filled his heart, leaving it bursting at the seams.

15.

He misses her, when he’s all the way on the other side of the world, working, making a living for himself – for them. There are just some things he needs to do for himself first before he’s able to settle down with her – even if it means spending days 8853 kilometres away from her.

16.

“I’ve found someone mum” she smiles “You’d love him too – he’s got a lovely singing voice, he sings me to sleep with it. He’s a good cook, so I’ll never suffer from malnutrition again – he’s athletic, and so he takes me for bike rides, of course I sit at the back of his though. He’s the sweetest, most caring person I’ve ever met – he’s good looking too, although that shouldn’t matter” she laughs “But most importantly, and you’d agree, he loves me, whole heartedly – and I love him too”

She kisses her fingers, and presses it against her mother’s picture placed on the marble tombstone. She leaves her with a bunch of baby’s breaths, they were her favourite.

17.

“Do you really love her? Joohee” his best friend Eunkwang asks him on day out of the blue

“You’re being ridiculous again” Minhyuk laughs and takes a sip of his coffee

“Answer the question Minhyuk” Eunkwang insists

“Of course I do, why else would I be with her?”

“It’s been 2 years already, are you really not thinking about marriage?”

18.

“I want to ask you something” he says “But I want to tell you something first”

She looks at him, eyes filled with curiosity.

“I’ve enlisted into the army - I’ll be leaving in two weeks”

Joohee stops, cutting the steak in front of her, and holds herself together “Really?” There’s a crack in her voice, which lets through a sliver of her emotions. “Good for you” she smiles.

It wasn’t something neither of them had thought about, at least not when things were going the way they were.

“Are you not upset?”

“Why would I be? It’s mandatory”

He beams when he sees her cupping her cheeks, catching the tears that were rolling down her cheeks already. “I also have a question to ask you…”

“What?”

“But I don’t want an answer right now, can you promise me that?”

“What?”

“Will you wait for me?”

“Of course!” she shouts, offended he would even ask

“You weren’t meant to give me an answer” he pinches her rosy cheeks from across the table “It’s because I’m leaving that I don’t want to hold you to anything. It’s because I’m leaving that I’m setting you free. I don’t want to be sitting in there, wondering, hoping; being completely and utterly afraid of leaving you alone out here. I trust you Joohee and if two years from now, you decide that I’m not what you want, I won’t be upset or angry” he says “But I want you to know one thing, my feelings for you, will never change – and that’s not to guilt trip you, or keep you tied to me, it’s the truth”

“Silly” she croaks

“So I’m going to ask the real question now, and you have to promise me you won’t give me an answer, not until I come back” his lips curve into a smile, his eyes turn into crescents, and his heart starts racing wildly, “Will you marry me?”

19.

She picks fights because that’s what she does best. She doesn’t tell him straight up how she’s afraid of him leaving for 2 years (It’s really only 18 months) so she just keeps herself distant from him. She answers only when spoken to – and it leaves Minhyuk feeling frustrated, like he has been left out in the cold.

“Usually I’d let it slide, but today I’m not happy” he shouts

“This is stupid”

“Yes, it is – I tell you I love you, I ask you to marry me – I have to go, what can’t you understand?”

“I understand that you don’t consider me that important enough to discuss issues like this with me. You tell me you love me, ask me to marry you, but you can’t trust me enough to give you my word and stick to it?”

“I’m giving you a ticket out”

“Because you think I’d want that?”

Joohee marches out of her room in a huff.

***

Joohee’s had a longstanding history of trust issues with people who have cared for her especially when they show her an ounce of human failing. She retreats, she pushes them away and she can only imagine that one day, the people she keeps pushing won’t ever come back to her. People like Minhyuk are 1 in a million or like finding a needle in a haystack - they’re hard to come by. Especially when he puts up with her tantrums best and he knows how stubborn she gets, all of her insecurities and flaws, and he loves each and everyone of them because it makes her who she is.

He’s made her love herself and so she’s learnt to love him back in return. She loves how he plays with her fingers, as his eyes are fixed squarely on his books, how his lips curve into a perfect three when she smiles, how the brown in his eyes sometimes look like sandstorms, but sometimes, when he’s calm, and breathing slowly, looks like a place she wants to call home.

Joohee chases him to the front door anxiously, she hopes she’s not too late, she wishes he isn’t gone and she wants him to know how sorry she is. Instead she runs right into his arms, the same reliable ones she’s grown to love over the last two years. He slips his hands around her back and presses her head against his chest, “Joohee” he murmurs barely louder than the sound of his racing heart.

“Don’t leave, I’m sorry” she says.

“I won’t”

“Don’t say things you don’t mean – yes I’m afraid, frightened of losing you – but I’ve been abandoned before, people have just left and I don’t want-”

Minhyuk turns her face towards him, and tilts her head upwards – he kisses her, cutting her off. “I do mean it…” he says against her parted lips.

She kisses him again, gripping the back of his neck as she runs her fingers through his hair. It’s short and prickly to touch, but she embraces this feeling – like waves crashing on the shores violently as he grips onto her hair and her lips, leaving traces of him behind. That feeling like the ground is slipping beneath them, and yet Joohee has never felt so reassured in her entire life.

As they part he can feel Joohee’s smile against his lips “Yes” she says “I’ll wait for you and when you return, I’ll marry you”

In Minhyuk, Alice trusts.