Fell in Love

Kyuhyun’s POV

I knew exactly when I had fallen in love Siwon. I know I loved that idiot a few months after I recovered from my accident. It wasn’t much of a revelation, actually. It was like a slow spark burning and getting bigger and brighter when more and more firewood is being added.  And once when the fire starts, it kinda consumes you, pulling you in and warming you instantly. And then you find that you would not want to leave the warmth ever.  

 Thinking back, he was the only person beside Donghae that cut me some slack when I first joined the group. Where the rest would shoot daggers at me as I fumbled over the dance steps, he could smile gently at me and encouraged me to practice harder. When others showed me their frustrations in having me around the dorms, Siwon would squeeze my shoulders and nod his head as if telling me to persevere on. He was not staying in the dorms then but I would feel much better when he dropped by and visit or just chill out. At that time, I looked up to him as an older brother. I still remembered him almost coming to blows with Kangin when he found out that the group pretended to not know I had yet have my dinner and finished up the food the management bought for us. Kangin had told him off “Don’t pretend that you care, Siwon. You had absolutely nothing to worry about while the rest of us worked our butts off and now HE could just come in and pretend he is part of the group? He don’t belong …”

Actually after that incident, Siwon seemed distant. As if he was trying to put some distance between himself and me, the group even. He gave us the reason that he was involved in a lot of overseas schedules and we hardly get to see him. I was disappointed but I tried to hide it. Well, I may be young but I am nothing, if resilient. Once I made up my mind, I will want to succeed. Maybe it was just the way I was brought up.  

Then the accident happened and everything changed. I am not sure if I should be thankful for the accident, but life with the group changed drastically for the better. I felt loved. And cherished.  I admit I was rather greedy and proud and did start taking everyone’s care for me for granted. In fact, I think I was a little manipulative and used them to my advantage: pouting, whining, sarcasm. I guess the guilt and all played a part, I was often pampered. Whatever Kyuhyun wants, Kyuhyun gets. Well, it took a sincere and heartfelt conversation with Siwon to make me see that I need not resort to ‘underhand’ methods to get what I want, I just have to be myself (still snarky and evil like hell) and by virtue of me being the maknae of the group, well let’s just say life becomes more than bearable. Siwon, went back to being the good old Siwon I know. Always sunny, always smiling, always helping and always indulging.

Now, Siwon has always been a skinship . I knew it the instant I joined the group. I did not take any notice of his touchy ways. As long as I was not at the receiving end. However, none of us could escape his habit. It would be a hug here, a kiss there, a ruffle of our hair, a squeeze at our waist. I was uncomfortable with the touches but bear with them cos I did look up to the older man after all. However, some months after my full recovery from the accident, my logical mind did signaled to me something illogical about my reactions towards Siwon’s skinship. Instead of craftily trying to shield myself from his touches, like some other members, I seemed to relish and lean towards his skinship, at times even surprising myself with my bold attempts to touch him or flick some dirt away from his face. It was not until our appearance at a China TV show that I was sure. It was the most horrible day of my life as I was suffering from heatstroke at the tiny studio, I had vomited back stage and felt faint with the surging heat. It did not help when there were hundreds of people squeezed in the small studio. My managers had told me to hang on and I did, I tried my best but I knew I was not myself, my smiles seemed forced and it did not help when I constantly want to throw up.  Siwon was so concerned for me after taking a look at my pathetic face.

“You alright, Kyu?” he asked as he felt my clammy hands “Maybe you should go back to the hotel…”

“No, “ I whispered “ I wanna be here…with you guys.” I was stubborn but I did not want to miss any of the promotion activities with the group, especially when we were just getting our first big break.

Shaking his head, Siwon proceeded to fawn over me the entire show. Ensuring that I had enough water, fanning me, allowing me to sit on his lap. Maybe it was the heat or the fact that I was unwell, his attentiveness was really appreciated and touched me. Then, my heart seemed to palpitate faster when he was near and when he touched me, I could feel the tingles at my toes. Seriously. It was one month after the incident when I was lying in my bed, almost drifting to sleep, when I mumbled his name before jolting awake suddenly. Face palming myself, I had uttered out loud “ Holy , I am in love with Choi Siwon.”

Even with that realization, I did absolutely nothing to express my feelings. I had calmly rationalized to myself that it was not possible for anything to happen and that I had too much to lose if things turn out differently. I was not ready to jeopardize the group’s future.  Also knowing that Siwon’s straighter than an arrow certainly helped in my decision. I know that despite his fondness for skinship, he would never like a guy. Why would he when he could have any girl he wanted? Honestly, I was secretly overjoyed everytime I came to know that he ended yet another relationship with his numerous girlfriends. I did ask him about them and his answer to me is always, “ Nope, not THE ONE.” So even after I knew I was in love with Siwon, I treated him as normally as I could. I think I became snarkier towards him, often directed my jokes and sarcasm at him.  Nothing seemed to faze Siwon however, he took all my nonsense and returned them with more cheesiness and care. So it was with a rude awakening after almost half a year down the road, that I still loved him, more than ever. It was almost with quiet resignation that I accepted what I feel for the ‘face’ of the group. Life still has to go on, right?

But then things started to change. I don’t think the others notice it. I do. I am very observant about my surroundings. Especially when it comes to him. It was just those little things. Like when I caught him staring at me when I was not looking and when I turned, he would always look the other way, as if embarrassed at being caught or when I touched him more than what I should, he seemed to blush slightly as if he was a little shy or he was just spending too much time at the dorms instead of his own apartment. I half suspect something when he did not date for almost half a year and had stuttered a little when questioned by the rest of the members. He caught my eyes after declaring that there was simply no one he was interested in. I think I smirked at his answer and went back to my game, whilst trying to stop the wide smile attempting to bloom on my face.

It took another three months on an ordinary day at the dorms when we were both alone for me to be sure that I had somehow managed to worm my way into his heart. I had thought that day that maybe, just maybe he had realized that he had fallen in love with me too. And I was right.