Reality. ( 1/1 )
Reality
The room is cold. The furniture is all white, and the light is dim yet comforting. I would normally take advantage of my alone time to sing but not anymore. It was always my passion and I wanted to be a singer when I grew older. Practice is all I did and now I regret it.
With my back against the wall I sit on my bed, and as I look over I see him. Sun-kissed skin, dark brown hair that never seems to stay in tact, and a sheepish grin dancing across his wonderfully shaped lips as our gazes meet. I swallow hard, not noticing my throat is sore and dry, as I continue to stare into his beautiful eyes. I take a moment to notice he's wearing all black which contrasts my pure white attire. It's only spotless because I would nearly go crazy over a stain. I'm a clean freak, you could say.
The raven haired boy extends his hand and I hesitantly place mine in his, slightly afraid that if I dare to touch him he won't really be there, like he's just a figment of my imagination. This all feels like a dream but he's really here sitting next to me and it's unbelievable. In the back of my mind, my conscience is screaming at me to let go of his hand and not trust him again but I automatically spurn that thought as he gently tugs on my arm, urging me to sit in his lap.
As I do so and get comforatble with my back against his chest I feel him sigh with satisfaction, but I don't hear anything. With slightly furrowed eyebrows I suddenly feel relaxed in his presence, his arms oh-so-carefully wrapped around my waist trapping me in his warming embrace.
It has always been like this. We hold each other as if it were our last moment, and if we let go, either of us will disappear. With that thought, I never wanted to.
Heart pace quickening, cheeks tinting a light pink, with our bodies so close to one another the feeling seems alien. It's been so long since I've seen him and my heart feels like its about to explode. I feel his arms loosen the hold around me, his hands trailing down to find mine. Our hands sit in my lap as he plays with my fingers gently, his long ones intertwining with mine.
So badly I want to turn around in his lap and kiss him until we both end up running out of breath, holding each other as our soft chuckles and light panting gradually come to an end, but I cannot do it. I'm too nervous to even look at him again. Why? Not even I know.
He blows softly in my ear and I turn my head to feel his soft lips press against my temple. I catch a glimpse of his perfect smile before he nuzzles his blushed face into my neck, giving my hands a soft squeeze.
I like this, I think to myself.
No worries. No problems. And best of all, no distractions. It's just me and him. Like it was always supposed to be.
After a few minutes I finally gather up enough courage to turn around but my problem was, how do I do it? I've always been the shy and awkward one in the relationship. I don't know how he does it, but anything and everything he does is almost magical, putting me under the spell he used to make me fall in love with him. Sometimes I think he doesn't even need to use some spell. He's perfect to me.
Waiting for the right moment I softly whisper out his name, unable to trust my voice since I haven't used it in a while. I feel his head lift from the crevice of my neck and I'm finally able to move again. Reluctantly pulling my hands out of his - it's only for a moment, I remind myself - I pull myself out of his lap and stretch my legs out to lay down. This time it's me to tug on his arm, wanting him to lay down with me.
He scoots closer so our faces are only a few inches away. I could feel my cheeks burn as I watch his eyes crinkle into eye smiles, but like before, his chuckles are silent. They weren't just inaudible. Just, not there. He places his hand on my cheek and caresses it gently.
This is definitely real, I think to myself.
Placing my hand over his, I can sense that our feelings of missing each other are mutual. Darting my tongue out to moisten my lips I stare at his longingly, missing the feeling of his gentle kisses.
Now lying down I am able to see his face clearly now. I swear I could just lay here all day with him, but that's not possible. Not anymore. The dim lighting seems to have no affect on the lively and glistening spark of happiness in his eyes. His facial features now stand out more than ever; his cheek bones, jaw line, and then once again my eyes travel back down to his plump lips.
When he notices me staring he pouts softly. Oh god, never have I ever seen a pout so utterly perfect. I quickly lower my head but he uses his fingers to lift my chin, making me look back into his eyes.
The moment we make eye contact he leans forward, pressing our lips together in a short and chaste kiss. My eyes are wide open as he does so, but the moment he pulls away to see my reaction I lean forward to reconnect our lips. I miss this, how our lips fit perfectly together, and even the way he brushes his lips against mine just to tease me and make me whine. I hated it when he did that, but secretly it's what drives me crazy for him.
I feel his arms tighten around my waist and my fingers are already tangled in his hair. Eyes fluttering close he smiles into the kiss, knowing I've never been a patient person. The sweet taste of his chap stick is unforgettable.
Cherry. My favorite.
For a moment I feel like everything has stopped around us, and we're the only ones left in the world. Nothing could ever tear us apart. The moment I saw him the butterflies have not stopped fluttering each and every time I'm around him. I've never felt such a strong connect with anyone else. I.. love him, but I've never gotten the chance to tell him that. One day it'll be too late, and the burning regret will never stop until I just go insane. I can only wish that won't ever happen.
I pull away once more, reluctantly. We're both breathless as he rests his forehead against mine. i wait until we have both caught our breath and our eyes have met once again. Holding his hand tightly in mine I bite my lower lip hard, something that has always been a habit of mine.
"Jongin.." I whisper softly and he looks at me, with a small smile on his face. "I love you."
***
"What's wrong with him again?" One of the doctors asks in the breakroom as he sits next to another doctor, drinking a coffee and peering over his shoulder at his records.
"According to his files, he continuously gets hallucinations of his past lover." The doctor replies, pursing his lips into a slight frown.
"Thats not too bad.." the man shrugs, trying to figure out why such a simple problem has him locked away here.
"His lover is dead." the doctor states simply, leaving the other doctor speechless.
The doctor grabs his files and waves to the other before leaving the room to check out the different cameras that monitor each room in the asylum. Stopping on Kyungsoo's room the audio turns on and his frown grows as he hears his soft words. Sighing he turns over to a nurse waiting at the door, and motions her off to go take care of him. The assistant bows quickly and slips through the door quietly, making her way down the white halls to the patient's room.
Stopping in front of his door she takes a deep breath before opening it.
***
"I love you," I say softly, my cheeks probably as red as a tomato. His soft smile turns into a bigger one, leaning forward to place a kiss on my forehead. Does he feel the same way? Why won't he just say something already?
I suddenly hear my room door open, and I tilt my head to see a nurse walk in resulting in a low groan escaping my lips. The boy in front of me frowns seeing the woman approach me from behind, a nervous look on her face.
"Come on Kyungsoo, it's time for lunch." I hear her say softly behind me. "Today they are serving spaghetti."
"Spaghetti.." I mumble. As I turn back to Jongin, who has a look of uncertainty plastered on his face, I can tell he doesn't want me to go, and I won't. "I'm not hungry," I lie, then almost as if on cue my stomach grumbles loudly. I forgot to eat my breakfast this morning, which is sitting over on my nightstand. I didn't forget actually, I just chose not to.
A sigh slips through the nurse's lips. "Come on, I know it's your favorite food." She continues to try to talk me into going, but I hold my gaze on him.
"I'm not going. He doesn't want me to." After that thought I had figured she'd leave me alone, but another guard from outside of the room grabbed me by my wrist and pulled me off the bed.
"There is no he and there never will be," I can hear in the tone of voice he was using that he was growing annoyed for taking so long. "He is dead, Kyungsoo."
I look at him with wide eyes, tears threatening to fall. "Dead..." I echo him. "He can't be dead, he's right-" I turn to point at him, but he's gone. My hand moves to my cheek in bewilderment. It all felt so real.
I feel like crying. The memories of the accident play like a movie in my head and it's painful to see it all over again. We were at home and I asked for him to go fetch me something cold to drink from the store since my throat was sore from too much singing. Then that was the last time I saw him, other than a terrifying picture of his bloodied face on the tv screen not even an hour later. He was in a car accident and flipped a few times. No one knows who the other victim was because his appearance was no longer recognizable.
I want to just fall off of a cliff, and when I hit the bottom it'll send me plummeting into the darkness where I can be with him. Maybe we can be alone together there. That would be nice.
"Now lets go eat lunch, okay?" He says in a softer voice, probably not wanting to hurt me even more in my current state.
I weakly nod in response as he pulls me towards the door and nurse follows with sad eyes. As I'm walking out I turn for a moment to close the door, and he's sitting there on my bed again, waving at me with a smile that makes my heart ache. My eyes shut tightly as tears finally roll down my cheeks. I shut the door and the nurse holds my hand gently and leads me to the cafeteria.
How disturbing it is that our illusions are often our most desired realities.
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