“The Deasang for the year 2013 goes to Super Junior”

“Standing here year after year shows how much we are loved. We are thankful for the love and support our fans have showered us with in all this years and hope they remain till the end. We would also like to take this award on the behalf of heechul and leeteuk hyung, I am sure they must be very happy and are excited to join us next year.”

“Thank you siwon; and congratulations Super Junior. That is all from the day one of Golden Disk Awards, see you tomorrow.”

Jaejoong sat on his bed, wearing his comfortable night clothes that had all of a sudden become constricting. The spacious room had become suffocating. Jaejoong was feeling a tightening feeling in his chest. He switched off the television and laid on his bed taking deep breaths to calm him down.

This was a routine, whenever he saw the man; but it had been a while since he was confronted with his past like this. It was not that he wished avoid seeing the male altogether, it would have been difficult, seeing how famous he had become; but it was not often that he actively sough his memories. The proof being, the awards show itself. He knew that he was going to be there and seeing that his group had sold the most albums this year too, he would definitely say the thank you speech in the absence of their leader. But he could not fight the urge of seeing the man once again.

He noticed that he had lost a lot of weight in the past year and his once famous muscular physique had become leaner. He had lost his deep dimples, but his smile was still enough for jeajoong’s heart to skip a beat or two, it was almost a reflex action that he still had no control over.

It was at nights like these, laying down on his bed and having his body washed by the gentle moonlight streaming through his open window and revelling in the cool breeze; that Jaejoong would often drift into the past, to the wonderful memories that he had once shared with his lover Siwon, and muse how now only the memories remain, like a well read dog eared yellowed book.

It was a night like this when he had first laid his eyes on his super man. He was still a trainee when he left the studio late one night after a practice. He was confident that he would reach home safe if he kept to the more crowded streets. Lost in his thoughts, Jaejoong almost did not realise when he had reached a seemingly deserted street, spotted with few anti social elements. With a prayer on his lips, Jaejoong stared manoeuvring his way through the street; when he was stopped by a group of delinquents, who then proceeded to verbally harass the boy. He was squirming in the intense glares of his attackers, and when he felt that he was going to either lose his dignity or his life or both; a tall guy came charging towards the group and effectively managed to scatter the group by breaking few teeth of supposedly the group’s leader.

 “Hey don’t worry those scumbags have ran away. Are you alright?” inquired his saviour. Jaejoong looked up and was met with the most handsome guy he had seen in his life. It was probably at that moment that the straight as a ruler Jaejoong bend into soft cooked spaghetti. “I am fine, thank you for saving me” beamed a smitten Jaejoong. “This is not the place to wander alone at night, let me find a cab for you” said the guy and almost immediately a cab appeared in front of them, much to jaejoong’s dismay. He was quickly bundled into the cab and the boy waved him goodbye. Watching the retreating figure of his first male crush, Jaejoong cursed his fate. He had not managed to introduce himself to the other and now he had no information of him that could be used to stage a meeting. Why did he have to meet him only to lose him? Jaejoong was feeling quite melodramatic thinking of his situation that was also quite dramatic to be true.

It was a new day at the company, the dance teacher had said that a new trainee had joined today and everyone was to make him feel welcome. Jaejoong was resting in a corner when the said trainee entered, the whole room erupted in soft murmurs, there were rumours that the kid was very rich and was also very handsome. Jaejoong was still sulking when the teacher entered and ordered the class to come to the front. Reluctantly Jaejoong went forward and heard the teacher asking the kid to introduce himself.

“Annyeong-haseyo, Choi Siwon-imnida”

Hearing the familiar voice jaejoong’s head sprung up and he was once again met with the kind eyes that were intently looking back at him. Jaejoong was melting under the intense gaze of siwon and suddenly he felt very hot. It could be said that this is where there love story began.

It is safe to say that the love they felt was mutual. Practising together, eating together, and living together only strengthened their bond. Siwon was there to soothe the frazzled nerves of Jaejoong before his debut, and standing by him when he was literally mobbed by his ever increasing fans. Jaejoong was his pillar of support when he had to undergo hardships form all the hate he received for being in a large boy group. He was there with him until siwon also found his day in the sun. They had decided to lead their life together, hand in hand, so that one day they could be standing at the same place and watching the same view.

But as it is said, all good things come to an end, and much to the grief of these two lovers, the hurdles that they were about to face was to determine if their love will swim or sink in the storm. It was in the year 2008 when, Jaejoong began suspecting that his company was not being fair to him and his friends. They were being worked tirelessly, with album recordings, concerts, CF recordings; they had very little time for themselves. But nobody complained, as they were glad to live their dream. But still something was not adding up. Whenever they were given their share of money for the albums or other activities, they were consistently less than what they had been expecting. It was not that Jaejoong was money oriented, but when he saw that some of s like Yunho or changmin were being paid more than him, junsu and yoochun he felt that his company did not value him more. Moreover the projects that were being offered to him were being given away to other artists in the company. Even after all this happened he kept his cool, siwon was by his side, he was being able to fulfil his childhood dream of performing; so he was happy.

However, the company took many a liberty when they refused to cancel his schedules for a week, when he requested to meet his ailing mother. After his father died in his childhood, Jaejoong was very close to his mother, and he literally pleaded his manager to let him leave only to be flatly refused.

It was during their stop in Japan for their concert, was he given the news that his mother had passed away. Jaejoong was heartbroken. A phone call was all it took for siwon to come rushing to be by his side. Siwon took over all the responsibility of the funeral, the wake and made sure that no undue stress was given to his lover.

It was a week after his mother’s demise that he called siwon to meet him at his apartment. Siwon was not sure as to why he was called but he came nonetheless. When siwon was seated, Jaejoong gave a piece of paper to siwon, puzzled as to what were the contents of the paper, siwon read it. It was a notice to Jaejoong, intimating of the fine that he had to pay to the company for failing in upholding his commitments. “I am leaving the company” Jaejoong said in a flat voice.

“But…why would they fine you? I don’t understand. There was a legitimate reason for you miss those commitments.” siwon was not sure what was happening. He knew that the company was very selfish in treating their artists, to the point they had become slaves, fulfilling every fancy of the company. But he could never imagine that they would do such a thing.

“Yeah. This is what i get for being loyal to the company for all this years. A 1 billion won fine for missing activities which were not affected by my absence.”

“Don’t make any rash decisions Jae. I told you that I would speak to them and sort this out.”

“Who are you going to speak to? Those people, who did not allow me to meet my mother at her death bed”

“Wonnie they knew, they knew that her condition was getting worse and the hospital also had called to let me know that she might not have much time left. But they did not say a word to me. Her condition took a turn for the worst when I was leaving for Japan; they did not breathe a word to me. They actually lied straight to my face. When I was at the airport, I asked permission to phone the hospital; you know what manager hyung told me ‘Jaejoong, I just spoke to the hospital your mother’s condition is improving, you can meet her after coming back to Korea. Ok.’ It was only when I came to the hospital to finish all the formalities, did the doctor tell me that me that my mother was in pain and called my name till the end. He said that I was not a good son, how could I not come to the hospital even after I was informed of her deteriorating condition.

“My world shattered right there wonnie. I failed to fulfil my duties as a son. I was not there for my mother, when she wanted me the most. She must have left the earth, thinking that her only son did not love her enough to be near her. I failed my mother.”

“I am so sorry jae .I didn’t know” Siwon whispered enveloping the now crying male into a hug, in an effort to console him.

“When I confronted manger hyung for the lies he fed me,. He said that it was done on the behest of Mr Lee Soo Man, that son of a B***h was the reason I could not meet my mother.” Siwon winced at the cuss words Jaejoong used.

“I am going to meet lawyer kim in two days time. Me, junsu and yoochun have decided to take a stand. I want to know if you will support me in my decision” Jaejoong said looking siwon squarely in the eye, to show how serious he was about his decision. Sensing hesitation in siwon’s eyes Jaejoong said “I will give you till tomorrow four o’clock, to reach your decision. I will wait by the NamSan tower for you. So you don’t have to decide today.”

Waiting for siwon to come was the most painful thing Jaejoong had to endure after his mother’s death. His friends though supportive were sceptical of siwon. They tried to warn him that he may not come. But Jaejoong was confident that if the love they shared, the memories that had together were true and pure than siwon would definitely come. Jaejoong reached the tower by 3:30 fully expecting a smiling siwon waiting there to greet him. He was ready to let the fate test his love as he knew that he and siwon would certainly pass with flying colours. But to his dismay he could not find anyone at the designated spot. He tried to console himself, saying that it was still early and siwon would definitely choose him over anything. The time of the meeting arrived, the clock struck four and jaejoong’s eager eyes canvassed the crowd to find the familiar handsome face. He was disappointed. The time to meet had come and gone and still there was no sign of siwon. Time crawled slowly, 4 turned into 5and 5 into 6 and like that Jaejoong waited for siwon near the tower in the increasingly cold climate till 1 in the morning. All his calls and messages to his lover went unanswered. With a dejected heart he finally left the place. He called up junsu to pick him up. That night he cried, more than he did at his mother’s death. His only hope, his reason to live was suddenly taken away from him. He was inconsolable for days.

It had been four years since that night. Jaejoong could say that he made peace with what had taken place. Now he was in a better place. The company had agreed to withdraw the counter case they had filed and everything was going to be as they were supposed to. But every once in awhile his facade that he had put up all those years ago breaks and he spends nights like this wondering, as to what had gone wrong. What would have happened if siwon had indeed come that night, would they still be together? But what pains Jaejoong the most was that he never got to know what was the reason that siwon had stayed away from him that night. If his career was important for him, Jaejoong would have understood he might have even supported his decision. Maybe not at that moment, but he would have calmed down eventually and see the reason in letting siwon continue with the company. But he had yet to find closure. Their paths were yet to intersect, all those dreams of walking the same path holding hands felt absurd, and were for naught.

Thinking about siwon always took a toll on him. He decided to rest tonight, if he had to put up the normal act that he was playing for the last four years, successfully fooling everybody near him, only his heart knew the truth and kept the secret of the broken Jaejoong safe from the world.

Seriously guys if no one supports by commenting and subscribing, it makes me very sad. If it is bad, say it. I won't have any problems. But do something to show you exist. 

Comment and subscribe